I just got out of a long-term relationship. I still talk to my ex all the time and we’re really good friends right now, even though we live in different cities. He and I never had the most exciting sex life while we were together, but now that I’m single, I’m ready to have my sex life back! So I was just wondering what your advice would be for someone who is newly single and physically ready, but maybe not entirely emotionally ready?
Thanks!
Liz
Dear Liz,
I think it’s great that you’ve pinpointed exactly where you’re at right now, no strings attached sex, or commonly known as a “Friends With Benefits” relationship. Remember that even though you say you’re not emotionally ready, it can be challenging to balance the physical with the emotional. After having sex, we sometimes get prematurely attached.
In biological terms, the female orgasm releases a burst of oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone. It’s what makes you feel warm and fuzzy and what facilitates a sense of attachment. If there’s no deeper emotional connection or meaningfulness, an orgasm can become a regretful reminder of the hollowness of the sex that preceded it. This is called “post-orgasm regret,” and it typically manifests itself in the form of sadness or anger. So be aware that although you’re not looking for a relationship now, biology might trump your intentions. Remember to be mindful every step of the way and keep a close tab on your feelings.
For a man, nothing is sexier than a woman who is loud in bed and participates in a little dirty talk. Below are five things your man is dying to hear you mouth off about.
Him
Men want to know that you're not visualizing someone else when you're with them or just phoning it in, so although it may seem basic, saying (or screaming out) his name in bed is a good way to ease into dirty talk. Punctuate it with a few "ooohs" and moans and it will be more than enough to get him going.
The Action
If you're being a tad quiet, many men will take the initiative and let you know what they'd like to hear by peppering you with questions, such as "What am I doing to you?" and "How does that feel?" In this case, simply describing the mise en scène and how you feel will suffice. However, don't feel like obligated to use cuss words if it's not your style. Instead, take a cue from romance novels and utilize under-used verbs like "pulse," "swell," and "throb."
Your Fantasies
Nothing counts when it's said in between the sheets, so if you're feeling confident, why not seize the opportunity and tell him all of your craziest fantasies and dreams? If the thought leaves you tongue-tied, try practicing in front of a mirror – especially the particularly naughty parts – until you are able to say them without feeling embarrassed or laughing.
Stock Dirty Phrases
Sometimes just having sex is intimate enough, and the idea of pouring out all of your deepest desires, especially in a new relationship, is too much. However, you don't want to be mute. For those times, any of the following stock sexy phrases will work: "Oh, yeah, right there!" "That feels amazing" "Don't stop, harder" "I want you so bad" "Give it to me!" "You animal!"
Get Creative
Men can be just as insecure as women; so sometimes a little vocal encouragement is all that's needed to let them know that you are enjoying what they're doing. Sometimes a few soft purrs can be just as effective as a well-rehearsed speech, so don't be afraid to get creative. Whatever you do to cheerlead them along will make your bedroom romp all the more exciting.
Having sex for the first time with someone new commonly breeds a combination of exhilaration, nervousness and excitement.
The question of when to have sex with your new guy is an important one with several key factors to consider.
Ladies, I want to let you in on a few of the best-kept secrets among men. This is the good stuff they don’t want us to know:
Secret 1:
We all know men are sexual beings and they act like they want you to have sex with them right away. Some of them are as bold as making you believe they expect sex on the first date.
What they really want is for you to respect yourself enough to make them wait.
To be sexually desirable to him and to also be the woman he sees long-term potential with, you are better off taking your time to get to know him on an emotional level before engaging in sex.
In fact, men commonly report they get bored of women who give it up too soon and are less likely to commit to these women long term or view them as marriage material.
Men report if it seems easy to get you in bed right away, they do not put you in the long-term potential category because they admit to being more attracted to women who exhibit self-worth, self-respect and confidence to make decisions on their own.
Secret 2:
Just because he sleeps with you does not mean he cares about you or you have won him over. Biologically, men are wired differently than women, and unfortunately they do not equate good sex with caring about a woman.
Women, on the other hand, are prone to getting more attached to their guy after sleeping with him.
“The guy who is willing to wait
is the guy you are looking for.”
Secret 3 (aka the good news):
If he really likes you, he will be absolutely fine waiting for sex.
If he is into you, he will be happy getting to know you, spending time with you outside of the bedroom and letting your relationship develop naturally without pressure.
Now that you have gotten an inside peek at the male perspective of sex and commitment, here are a few questions to consider in assessing your readiness:
Are you sure you are the only one he is sexual with? Are you exclusive? How do you know?
Are you aware of your own feelings about him? Do you genuinely like him?
Does he treat you like the deserving, intelligent and beautiful woman you are? Is he worthy of you?
Do you feel in control of your decision-making and readiness, or are you being pressured? Does sex with him feel right to you?
Sleeping with him should be enjoyable and the way to make it most enjoyable is to have it feel right for you.
Waiting until you are ready and trusting yourself with your choice works to your advantage because it allows you to learn about him and gain awareness of your feelings toward him without the distracting nature of sex.
It is also useful to be in control as a woman.
Men are funny, sneaky, mysterious and tricky (or at least they can be).
The good old “Can I use your bathroom?” question after your first several dates is not about the bathroom most of the time. It is his way of creatively (or so he thinks) getting one step closer to being intimate with you.
If he is aggressive or pushy, this is a major red flag. Don’t let his charm or slick moves fool you, and absolutely don’t fall for all of his moves if you need more time.
You know deep down if you are ready to sleep with him, so trust your gut on this. Avoid sleeping with him to please him or to get him to like you or because you pity him and have trouble saying no.
Be in control and know your worth to ensure you act in ways that make him respect you in the present and future. The type of guy who is willing to wait and slow down the pace is also the type of guy you are looking for, right?
When you are ready, be in the moment, enjoy it and be safe!
When was the last time you made the first move during sex?
If you had to think about it for longer than 5 seconds it’s probably been awhile.
Well, here’s some news: the biggest complaint I hear from men is that their girlfriend or wife doesn’t initiate sex enough, or at all.
It’s not entirely your fault. Many women are taught from a young age to have the guy take the lead, pay for the date, plan the date, open all the doors, and make the first phone call. He probably even asked you out on the first date. It would follow then that many women don’t feel it’s acceptable to initiate sex. Ever.
The problem is whether you follow all these ‘rules’ or not, this type of chivalry shouldn’t carry over into the bedroom.
It’s not that women don’t want to have sex—trust me, women like orgasms too—but women are more likely than men to become complacent and more passive about their sex lives.
Much of this has to do with women prioritizing men’s pleasure over their own.
Men are more likely to decide when to have sex and how they want to have it.
Playing by a men’s rules in the bedroom leaves many women dissatisfied with their sex lives and unmotivated to have sex. Sex doesn’t feel worthwhile when you don’t feel like you have any control over your own sex life.
So today (or tonight!) it’s time to take back your sex life. Oh, and this is supposed to be fun. You’ll realize how empowering it is to take the lead and initiate the kind of sex you really want.
No you don’t have to cook him dinner half naked in fishnet stockings (although I’m sure he would appreciate it). You just have to make the first move. That’s what initiating is all about.
The best part about initiating sex is that you’re both getting what you want: He feels like you actually want to have sex and desire him and you get to do whatever it takes to have a mind blowing good time.
While you’re watching television together or just hanging on the couch, gently put your hand on his lap. You know where I’m talking about. Look into his eyes and tell him you want him. Trust me, if you start touching his penis he’s probably not going to reject you, unless of course you’re watching the Super Bowl and then all bets are off.
If the hand in lap doesn’t feel right to you, simply turn to him and start kissing his neck.
Or the next time he comes home from one of those stressful days, tell him you’re giving him a massage and slowly undress him. Extra points if you set the atmosphere by using a sensuous massage candle on his body and play some of his favorite music. Having an activity first like a massage makes it even easier for you to initiate sex.
Now that you’ve got his attention, you can start to gently plant kisses down his back and turn him over to continue the kissing. When it’s time, take the initiative to climb on top and have sex straddled on top of him. The key here is to direct the movement the way you want it, not the way you think he wants it. Gyrate in circular motions, up and down and any way that feels good.
The best part about initiating sex is that you’re both getting what you want: He feels like you actually want to have sex and desire him and you get to do whatever it takes to have a mind blowing good time.
Takeaway:These sex-themed apps prove the old theory that there really are apps for everything!
Source: Eduard Bonnin Turina/Dreamstime.com
Purists might argue that cell phones have no place in the bedroom, but with one in five young people admitting to playing with their phones during sex, it's clear that not everyone agrees. If you can’t bear to put your phone aside for some nookie, at least make sure it’s loaded with these sexy, educational apps. (And if you're into high-tech sex, you should also check out Get Your Geek On - and Get Off!)
Kahnoodle
Kahnoodle markets itself as more of a relationships app than a sex app, but it has an important part to play if you hope to get to the bedroom. It helps couples remember the art of romance with digital love "koupons" and thank-you notes known as "kudos". Do enough thoughtful things for your partner to keep your "love tank" full.
Much of the app is centered around sweetness, but koupons for bubble baths and a place for secret instant messages have sensual potential. The extra injection of romance should also help you feel more like intimacy.
Kahnoodle is available for the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch - and it's free. Its creators are set to launch an Android app soon too.
Spreadsheets
Calling all sex geeks! Ever wonder what your loving is like for your partner? If the feedback your partner offers isn’t specific enough, Spreadsheets might be the app for you. It uses your phone’s accelerometer and microphone to analyze your sex speed, thrusts per minute, and even how loudly you moan.
Spreadsheets also contains a calendar function for scheduling in sexy time and cataloging memorable trysts. Competitive types are likely to love the scoring system, which awards 10 points for morning quickies and 20 for leisurely weekend sessions.
Spreadsheets is available for the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch for $1.99.
Passion
If all the detail provided by Spreadsheets is a bit too technical for you, Passion might suit you better. It similarly judges the duration of your sexual encounters, the power of your thrusting, and the volume of your orgasms. Then, it condenses all this data into a simple score out of 10.
Of course, not every madly thrusting lover with an ear-shattering scream is truly worthy of a high score, but this app is a fun gimmick. If you’re feeling good about your score you can also compare it with other couples around the world.
Passion is available for the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch for 99 cents.
Sex Drive
Sex Drive uses binaural beats technology to improve your sex life. These beats of various frequencies are said to be scientifically calibrated to impact brain waves and arouse emotions in the listener. Without any large-scale research the jury’s still out on the effectiveness of binaural beats, but the app’s cheap enough for anyone interested to take a gamble.
It’s also worth noting that Sex Drive was designed for men, although the creators claim women "may get enjoyment" from the audio as well. Scientific or not, if you think sexy, sexy things are bound to happen.
Sex Drive is available for the iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch for $1.99.
iKamaSutra
The ancient Eastern lovemaking art of Kama Sutra has gone digital with the launch of theiKamaSutra app. Users are encouraged to master more than 100 sexual positions in nine categories, and to progress from novice to Kama Sutra master. Exhibitionists can even share achievements with Facebook and Twitter friends!
It might have been deemed too saucy for iTunes, but the simple, silhouetted illustrations ensure there’s nothing too scandalous about this app. It aims to inform rather than titillate, with clear instructions and accompanying diagrams demonstrating the Kama Sutra's time-honored positions. You can save your favorite positions to try again later or put the ones that intrigue you on your to-do list.
The full version of iKamaSutra, with extra positions and three-dimensional illustrations, is available for Android devices and Windows phones for $2.99. A free lite version is also available. (Or check out Kinkly's very own Sex Position Playlist. Just sayin' ...)
iCondom
Safer sex is sexy sex. The iCondom app aims to make your sex life safer by becoming the world’s largest condom distribution map to ensure you’ll never be caught without contraception again. The app is a joint effort between its creators and MTV’s Staying Alive campaign, a global initiative that promotes HIV prevention and safe lifestyle choices.
iCondom uses GPS technology to track your location. It then maps your nearest condom dispensers and retailers. Users can add additional locations and comment on dispensaries with details such as opening hours or out-of-order machines.
iCondom is available for the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch for free.
Sexy Vibes
With the advent of vibrating ring tones it was only a matter of time before someone (officially) turned our smartphones into sex toys. The creators of Sexy Vibes have done it and more than 1.5 million fans are glad they did!
The app offers plenty of vibrating modes including the gentle "Fluffy Bunny" and the intense "Washing Machine." You can even remote control the phones of others using the app, and chat with them. How's that for a sexy night in? (Just make sure you invest in a waterproof case before firing this app up!)
Sexy Vibes is available for Android devices for free.
Spice It Up
There's nothing wrong with adding a new tool to spice up your sex life, but whether you pick up a sex toy or your smartphone, it should never steal the show. The real magic will be between you and your partner, not you and your phone.
Arguing can be an aphrodisiac, but it's also a bummer. Here's how to get the passion minus the screaming (the bad kind, anyway).
Walking home after dinner one night, my fiancé, Christopher, and I started debating the location for our wedding ceremony. After going several blocks without an agreement, he proclaimed, "Look, I'd be happy marrying you on a pile of dirt." That stopped me right in my tracks. I should have focused on the sweetness of his sentiment — that all he cared about was our commitment to each other, so it didn't matter where we said our "I-dos" — but that was lost on me. Instead, all I heard was "Our wedding means so little to me that it would be fine to have it in a mud puddle." All I could say was "Are you [bleeping] serious?!" We walked the rest of the way home in silence.
But a funny thing happened when we got there. Perched in our bed, my arms wrapped tightly around my knees while he paced the room, I broke the chilly standoff. I started to cry. "I just want to feel like we're on the same team again," I said. He softened. "Me too, babe." We started touching tenderly, like we hadn't seen each other in months. Clothes hit the floor, and you can guess what followed. It was one of the most passionate and frenzied encounters we've ever had. We weren't just having sex, we were making up … and it was hot.
Make-up sex is legendary for being spicy. Psychologist Seth Meyers (not to be confused with the SNL cutie), PsyD, says it's because couples "hunger to switch gears from the negative emotions that come with fighting to the opposite end of the spectrum." Basically, they want to feel the warm high that comes with making up. That high can be so good, people will seek out arguments to get to the make-up sex — we've all met (or heard) those couples, at least the ones who duke it out in public. But there must be a way to experience the ecstasy of make-up sex without the shake-up beforehand, right? Here, tips from experts and real women on how to fan the flames of passion without lighting any dangerous fires first.
1. Get Your Blood Pumping
First, you have to find a way to spike your adrenaline without spiking your dishes on the kitchen floor. Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and coauthor of The Getaway Guide to the Great Sex Weekend, says to "do something exciting together, and the sex you have afterward will be life affirming." Yes, she means daredevil activities like skydiving or bungee jumping, but a roller-coaster ride together will also do the trick. You'll still get to yell at the top of your lungs, just not at your boo. Not an adrenaline junkie? Simply going for a run together works too. You'll get all red in the face but only in the best way.
2. Ditch Each Other
A postfight romp is a reunion of sorts — you're coming together after being emotionally distant, right? So instead of arguing, try planning physical time apart. Hollie S., 25, has mastered this trick. "I look forward to solo trips because I get to do something I really enjoy, plus my husband and I really get to miss each other, which leads to hotter sex when we get our hands on each other again," she says. Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, PhD, author of In the Name of Love, agrees. "In a flourishing relationship, the importance of personal space cannot be exaggerated." So plan a weekend getaway with friends, pronto.
3. Inspire Some Harmless Competition
You know how hot you feel when you're dressed up and turning a few strangers' heads in a bar? Ari B., 34, suggests tapping into that emotion and "going out and getting attention from someone else. Showing him you're in demand with others is a foolproof way to instigate some jealousy and motivate him to win you over again," she says. Plus, flirtation with a stranger can cause your man to see you with new eyes. Recently, Ari's husband got turned on when a woman flirted with her at a party. "She was actually straight. She just wanted to have fun and complimented my curves," Ari says. "He thought it was hot that a woman was attracted to me, and it reminded him that he faces competition from all genders, which made the sex that night super hot."
4. Ready Your Imaginary Boxing Gloves
When all else fails, play-fight! Myriad M., 30, suggests staging a make-believe tiff about something trivial that doesn't really matter to either of you, like who's the better twerker. "Pick sides, and fight to win!" she says. It doesn't hurt to get physical either. Playfully lob a pillow his way, or tackle him onto the bed. There's nothing like a wrestling match to arouse some playful feelings of competition … and, ahem, some other types of feelings too.
How soon is too soon? Guys get honest with us about sex on the first date.
Times have changed, ladies, and with it, the dating rules. We're embarking on a new kind of relationship and with it, a newer type of woman. But as all the traditional rules change, should the sex?
How soon is too soon — or is it okay to ask for it on the first night? We asked the dudes in our lives to dish on when they think it's appropriate to do the deed — and their answers, well, they'll surprise you.
Sex Is A Yes, But The Type Of Woman Matters "I'm going to get so much sh*t for this," says Ben, 27, "but I've dated a lot of artists — and I've found that they're way more free-spirited when it comes to the sexual aspects of a relationship. As a guy, there's something about being with someone who's so carefree — and it's something you feel immediately, so yes, sex on the first night is okay … with the right woman. I don't feel like having sex on the first night will challenge, or compromise, what happens afterward." He adds, "I'm not saying that it's only artists! Just speaking from personal experience."
"I think sex on the first night depends on whether or not you're going to regret it," says Mark, 25, "I'm really attracted to the type of girl at the bar that looks like she's a little aloof to the whole scene. I'm not trying to be an ass, but I don't want to take home a good girl on the first night. I think it would ruin my chances with her."
"If I'm feeling you — and you're feeling me — we're both adults, right? So getting it on should be our decision; and well, if we both want it and are clear about our feelings, then I don't see the point in putting it off until the second or third date," admits Josh, 33.
There's Something About A Woman Who Makes You Wait The guys I spoke to that were okay with holding out for a few dates really surprised me. Their answers were candid, honest and they proved that though the times, they are a-changin' there's definitely still something to be said about passion, patience and keeping it in your pants until the clock strikes hot.
"The first time I went out with this girl I was really into, I had high hopes that she'd invite me back upstairs after dinner was over. When she didn't, I was pleasantly surprised, despite what I'd originally banked on. I realized that I wanted to wait for it, too — and the harder she was willing to make me work for it, the more attracted to her I was," Ethan, 29, says.
"It's refreshing to meet someone who doesn't want to give it up all at once. I don't think it means you're easy if you want to have sex on the first date or even after the first night, but I'm way more attracted to a woman who knows how rare it is to have something to look forward to. Everything we do is geared toward instant gratification — and I don't mean that after having sex I think of girls in a way like 'what else do you have to offer?', because I definitely don't — but it's really nice to have time to get to know someone and put some room in between deciding to ask them on a second date and deciding between missionary and doggie," says Tony, 31.
"When my girlfriend and I first met, we left the bar making out and I was sure we were going to end up at her apartment having sex. Then, she asked for my number and hailed a cab, leaving me in the dust. I was caught so off guard — I kinda thought that was the kind of sh*t you only saw in movies — but I couldn't stop thinking about her all night. The next day, when she texted me, I was that much more interested in her. It was unexpected but totally awesome to have to wait on someone else for once," Madison, 26, says.
You Can't Date The Girl You Take Home "If you want to have sex the first night we meet, I'm down," says Travis, 23, "but just don't expect me to call you the next day — or any day after."
"I think a lot of guys would stray from saying this because it would make them sound soft or too sensitive, but we don't really want the girl who sleeps with us on the first night. Okay, fine, some of us really do, but the majority of us are just saying that we do. We don't. We want the waiting period, the getting-to-know-you period. We want to take you to overpriced dinners and then complain about it behind your back. We want you to keep denying us, because it's sexy as f*ck, until you're ready. At least," Sam, 29, said, "I do."
"You know that expression 'You can't turn a hoe into a housewife'?," asks Quinn, 26. "I'm not saying that you should by any means call a woman a hoe, but I think that the point of the saying is pretty true. If I sleep with you on the first night, that's awesome, but I'm never really going to see you as much more than that. You'll be the girl that gave it up the first time we met."
Forget sex. Kissing can be one of the most intimate, sensual, and just plain fun things you can do with another person. And as anyone who is sex-educated knows: the better the foreplay, the better the sex. Read on to discover ten unusual kissing facts, and be grateful that locking lips no longer leads you to the guillotine.
1. According to anthropologists, 90 percent of people kiss. But that doesn’t mean that kissing is the same for everyone. Kissing customs vary across the world.
For instance, certain African tribes literally kiss the ground of their leaders, while in many parts of Europe, it is not unusual for men to kiss each other. Kissing people on both cheeks as a form of greeting is another popular custom in many parts of the world, and both Eskimos and Egyptians "kiss" by rubbing noses, hence an "Eskimo kiss."
2. PDA was strictly forbidden in old-school Italy. In 16th century Naples, the punishment for kissing was the death penalty. We bet there were a lot of unhappy women. And a lot of hangings.
3. Be careful where you kiss. Though the punishment's not quite as harsh as our Italian predecessors, kissing is still illegal in some parts of the United States.
Those in Cedar Rapids, Iowa are not allowed to kiss strangers and women in Hartford, Conn. are not legally allowed to lock lips with their husbands on Sundays. And mustached Indiana men can forget about ever becoming "players." According to Indiana law, it is illegal for men who have a mustache to "habitually kiss human beings."
3. Let's talk science. Kissing generally uses one muscle, called the orbicularis oris, that is responsible for puckering your lips when you kiss. The science of kissing itself is called philematology.
4. Making out can be healthy for you. Kissing for one minute burns 26 calories. So enjoy that chocolate cake, and make up for it later with an extended make-out sesh with your partner.
6. It is considered good luck to kiss the Blarney Stone, but you may die trying. Kissing the Blarney Stone located in Cork, Ireland, is no easy feat. One poor pilgrim even fell to his death trying to accomplish the task.
To kiss the stone, you have to sit with your back facing the stone while someone holds your feet. Then you lean backwards, hold on to the handrails placed specifically there for this purpose, and lower yourself until you can reach the stone and kiss it. Sounds simple enough, right?
7. The world record for longest kiss goes to Americans Rich Langley and Louisa Almedovar for a session lasted 30 hours and 59 minutes. No word on if they got food and bathroom breaks.
I hear so many of my friends talking about how they met a guy and had wonderful sex and then the guy only calls or comes by when he wants sex. Ok honey what you need to know is that what you had with him was a physical attraction that magnified feelings of a deeper nature. Now let me make myself clear he is not a bad guy, for the most part, he was simply thinking “it’s just sex.. what’s the harm in that?”. So here are some super signs to look for to see if it is just sex:
1.
Every time you see each other it’s only to have sex. So many women and men are having this type of relationship thinking that it’s more and it’s not. It’s just sex.
2.
Only comes over at night. They call you around 10 pm or later asking if you can come over or if they can come over around midnight. A lot of people think “oh they are just really busy” no they are calling for a booty call. It’s just sex.
3.
Doesn’t want to go out anywhere. Yes staying at home is nice sometimes but there is a whole world outside of the bedroom. It’s just sex
4.
Never talks about family and friends. Think, do you even know if their parents are alive, do they have siblings. If you don’t know it might just be sex.
5.
Doesn’t want to hear about your family and friends. Are you bummed out about your family and want to talk about it and they don’t want to hear about it. It could be just sex
6.
Phone conversations or text messages are only in a sexual nature. Some relationships are like this but others are just sex.
7.
You only meet at places where sex can occur. Only going to their house/apartment or vice verse might just be sex.
8.
No sleepovers. They come over at midnight have sex and then around 2 am they want to go home or send you home. Oh yeah it’s just sex.
9.
You don’t eat together. Ever hear that old saying “a couple that eats together stays together”.
10.
They take a shower right after sex and send you on your way. Normally you want to rest a bit and maybe talk. When they all of a sudden they want you to leave it’s probably just sex.
11.
Never talk about life outside the bedroom. There are so many other things going on that you could talk about.
12.
You only have a cell phone or beeper number. It could be just sex
13.
When you talk it’s only to setup a sex time. You call them and setup a time to meet and you end up having sex. It’s just sex.
14.
They avoid you in public. You see them and you know they saw you and they turn away. It’s just sex.
15.
Only spends a couple of hours with you. Only spend enough time with you to have sex. Then it’s just sex.
It's not that she doesn't like sex; it's just that she prefers subtlety, indirection, holding off. A shy girl gets hot and heavy about her sex life.
I am not a prude. I like sex. But I would never say that to your face, and I'm actually cringing here at my computer at the thought that somebody could walk in... Well, you see where I'm heading. My own sexuality embarrasses me. When I was a young teenager, my mother used to tell me that the world was divided into breast men and leg men, and that I would attract the leg men. I don't remember being upset. Or pleased. I remember thinking, Well, that's it for shorts. In college I wore flowing, ankle-length skirts and beginning in my 30s, long pants. I'm the only person I know who can imagine adding a burqa to my wardrobe. I never want to be obvious, so when I'm feeling sexy I try to hide it—to the point where my husband can't always tell that I'm turned on; he once asked if I'd consider holding up a sign.
Okay, so I'm a little shy. That wouldn't have seemed so strange 50 years ago, when Victoria still had secrets, a kiss was still a kiss rather than an IOU, and holding back was still a viable sexual strategy. Today you're supposed to tell your partner exactly what will satisfy you. ("Excuse me, could you pass the multiple orgasms?") The very thought of it makes me blush.
Please don't get me wrong: I admire a woman who is sexually confident. I love it when movie stars strut and preen—not Gwyneth Paltrow bending like a willow, but Catherine Zeta-Jones leading with her chest. If you show up in four-inch heels and a see-through dress, I'll think you're hot. But I'll be more intrigued by the woman next to you who smolders quietly. In grad school my Victorian literature professor read us a scene in which a woman rolled up her sleeve, revealing to her suitor a seductive white arm. I thought the professor would faint, and who could blame him? When the boy I was dating brought over his favorite hard-core porno books for me to learn from, I put them aside in favor of A Man with a Maid, in which the innocent virgin is outraged by her captor's lewd behavior. Of course I got bored as soon as the lady became a libertine. I liked the Kama Sutra because it made sex seem ornate, exotic; words like penis and vagina were clinical, but lingam and yoni came (so to speak) with a little mystery. Sex toys—always gifts from men who wanted to make me less inhibited—went to a top shelf and stayed there. Only last week my husband reached for something on the top of a wardrobe and came back with an ancient vibrator. Did I want to dust it off and try it? What do you think?
Sometimes I break through my shyness. Sometimes the sun shines in Seattle. More often, though, I accept the way I am and work around it because, to tell you the truth, I really don't want to change. I don't want to be more aggressive. I don't want to turn myself on. Pick up any sex manual (something I'd never do in public—what would the bookstore clerk think?) and you'll find instructions on learning to love your own body. Asks one guide, "When was the last time you took a good look at your vulva?" Um, never? The idea of lying on my back, spreading my legs like a frog, and inspecting myself through a hand mirror has always seemed ludicrous to me. I don't have to look to know what's there, and if you tell me it's as lovely as a lotus flower, I won't believe you. (I wouldn't enter the penis in a beauty contest, either.) To quote the old Volkswagen ads, "It's ugly, but it works."
I guess getting naked can be fun, but I'd rather keep my body under wraps. I don't mind being secretly sensuous, the woman who lets down her hair when she wants to and afterward pins it right back up again. And if I'm buttoned up in bed, that's not indifference: That's being so turned on that I don't know what to do—yet. But I'm in no hurry. If I did hold up a sign (well, dear, you asked), it would say: GIVE ME TIME, AND SPACE. HOLD BACK A LITTLE, MAKE ME GO AFTER YOU. When a shy girl and a shy guy get together, anything can happen.
Him
