8 Ways To Boost Your Dating Confidence

Diarising date nights in long-term a relationship is as recommended as booking in a monthly GNO – once you’re settled into the groove of a relationship making time to do something special can become more infrequent, yet it’s more important. My friend even block books a date week every season to shake up the sofa-snuggles-in-front-of-The-X-Factor routine. But while most of us in the coupled-up camp are aware of this, we don’t necessarily think we need to work on our confidence when going on a ‘date’ with our guys we’re totally comfortable with.
I didn’t. Not until I had a coaching session with dating guru (and head & shoulders Date Night Confidence Coach) Matthew Hussey who advised me that by putting 10% more planning into a special night with my fella (or fiancé as I should call him if that didn’t feel so cringey), I – we – could experience each other in a new way that was special, memorable, and sexy. Date booked.
He gave me these eight tips that act like triggers to boost my dating confidence:
Take care of you first, feelings follow actions. “Properly prepare before to get into a good state for the date. If he complains you’re taking too long to get ready, communicate to your partner how excited you are to get ready for the date!” I love this last tip but I’m ‘preparing’ at work. As someone who shuts down the computer at the very last second, still with a growing to-do list I’m usually late and arrive in a rush with slap-dash lippy and windswept hair. Instead I made the date half an hour later and used this time not to work late but to re-do my hair and touch-up my makeup properly, print out Matthew’s tips and arrive unrushed and unflushed.
Smell your best. “Smell creates anchors which are a gateway to emotions. Connect a special smell with you.” I didn’t have an old fragrance that would bring back a “when we met” nostalgia but I wore a different one to usual. The oil parfum version of Narciso Rodriguez For Her has a sensual intensity which didn’t go unnoticed. My boyfriend complemented me on it more than once. Matthew also said that hair can be a good flirting tool so I tried the new head & shoulders Apple Fresh (it has Scent Burst Technology – clever stuff!) which certainly upped my swish-factor.
Wear something special. “It could be something he gave you that you haven’t worn in a long time. Something that has an air of sexiness that gets him to look at you in a new way.” I wore my new go-to outfit this season that’s glam but comfortable. A few friends and colleagues had admired it but my boyfriend hadn’t seen it pre-date so it was new to him and I felt great in it, an emotion emphasised with flattery from him.
Complement your partner. “Long term partners don’t do this because they assume you know it but it doesn’t resonate as much as hearing it! Try saying something new. Never stop trying to impress your partner.” This rings true for me; we’re now at a stage of being able to finish each other’s sentences, so I’m guilty of assuming he knows what I’m thinking! I made a conscious effort to voice my appreciations and not just on his well-considered dress sense but his people skills, his laugh – things we take for granted. He was beaming.
Use affectionate gestures and be tactile. “A hand on the leg, touching the shoulder, leaning in close… these increases sensuality and sexual tension.” I thought I do this without realising but by becoming conscious of it, I instantly felt sassy, flirty and fun. Plus the more I gave, the more I received!
Live in the present but dream of the future. “Most long-term couples live in a nostalgic mood, but the right now makes you learn new things. Share your new knowledge like fun facts, life lessons. The future can be more exciting than the past”. This chimed with me, having recently returned from a round-the-world trip together we’re constantly referring to “this time last year”, reminiscing on then which makes it hard to enjoy the moment. I steered conversation to the vision we’re both excited about – our upcoming nuptials – and our goals, such as house buying. This instilled infectious positivity and excitement.
Take control and surprise your date. “Do something slightly unexpected. Go somewhere new so it doesn’t feel predictable. Write a love letter or get him his favourite chocolate bar.” I’m quite good at doing the latter, often bringing him small treats so I focused on the former and booked what will be the venue of our wedding party for our dinner date. Having never dined there before it felt super special and instantly had romantic connotations.
Initiate affection. “Sneak in a kiss, break your normal pattern with a passionate kiss that makes him remember that first one.” This totally worked, making things charged and alive. We probably weren’t tipsy enough for it to remind him of our first kiss (we were on a waltzer at Lovebox festival!), but the unpredictability felt like those early days which resulted in a new, giddy freshness.
My confidence, and his confidence, was boosted and the results were special. The date was perfect, as was the weekend that followed. These little triggers, that I will keep top of mind, were more effective than a quick confidence boost like having my hair done before the date. Although I’m a big believer that it’s hard to be loved if you don’t love yourself (and a good blow-dry can help that!), these other actions worked harder, giving a deeper confidence and a lasting positivity. Try them!

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/how-to-boost-your-dating-confidence

How To Accept Yourself As You Are Now

It’s an old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else, but some people find this almost impossible. They think they need to find someone else to accept them first before they can believe that they’re a lovable and worthwhile human being. Self acceptance is the key to dating success but how can you achieve it?

How do you talk to yourself?

Many people are experts at beating themselves up. They criticise, complain, judge, condemn and berate themselves from morning until night. They talk to themselves in ways that are so harsh and cruel that they would never speak to anyone else that way. If that inner voice were a separate person from them they wouldn’t want to spend a single day together, let alone a lifetime!

We all have shortcomings, habits we want to change, difficulties we can’t seem to overcome or beliefs which hold us back. Beating ourselves up over them only makes matters worse, never better.

Become your own best friend

It will take a concerted effort to change that inner voice but one way of doing it is to imagine you’re your own best friend. What would your friend say when you made a mistake or didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning?

Your best friend will usually have your best interests at heart and will approach difficulties with kindness and compassion. Their aim will be to find ways to encourage and motivate you rather than make you feel worse about yourself.

Take action

Giving yourself a hard time for being overweight for example, will do nothing to solve the problem. If anything you’re more likely to over-indulge if you are living with the daily assault of a harsh inner critic. Self-blame gets in the way of constructive action. Only by becoming more compassionate and self-accepting will you ever be able to find the strength and motivation to tackle whatever problems are holding you back in life.

Get some balance

Most people are well versed in listing their own faults but seem blind to their assets. A helpful exercise can be to list your faults on one side of a page and then write the opposite of that fault on the other e.g. the opposite of irresponsible is responsible. If you think about it you’ll no doubt find many instances where you have been responsible.

You will possess both the positive and negative characteristic but often won’t recognise or focus as much on the positive. All of us have the full spectrum because we are all human. The characteristics that we focus on the most usually get out of balance. What you resist persists. If you’re constantly trying to stop being lazy it will probably make you lazier. If however you accept that you’re sometimes lazy and that it’s okay, the inner battle will stop and you’ll have more energy to do the things you want to do.

Focus on what you have to offer rather than what you want to get

When you begin dating it’s much easier to focus on all the qualities and attributes you want a new partner to have – they’re usually things that you feel are lacking in you.

A great short cut to self acceptance is to begin to focus on what you would bring to a new relationship and how these things could enhance someone’s life. Things like a love for cooking or decorating for example, are important assets which could enrich a relationship.

Write down these assets and if you get stuck ask your friends and family what they like about you. They may notice things that you are completely unaware of and it will boost your confidence to hear them.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2013/07/how-to-accept-yourself-as-you-are-now#.UfjnaI21Hnc

Low Self Esteem and How It Affects Dating Relationships

Low self esteem doesn't see race, sex, age, religion, martial status, height, weight, or any other label or category you could possibly attach yourself to. Unfortunately, low self esteem isn't something you can plan for, either. But low self esteem is something you can change - with a bit of hard work and patience. First however, let's discuss how low self esteem affects dating relationships.

Characteristics of Someone With Low Self Esteem

In general terms, people who suffer from low self esteem may feel or behave in some of the following ways:

• Practice a larger-than-normal amount of negative self talk, such as, "Why would anyone ever want to date me?" or, "I don't deserve a loving partner";


• Act destructively towards oneself and/or others, such as self-sabotaging behaviors or being overly critical;


• Apologize frequently and/or exhibit self-doubting behaviors;


• Need constant feedback from outside sources;


• Unable to receive or accept compliments;


• Focus on one's perceived flaws; and


• Become so much of a perfectionist that basic tasks don't get finished for fear of failure.

Did you recognize yourself in any of those points? Its nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, many people suffer from periodic bouts of low self esteem. Recognizing that you may be on a bit of a downswing is ok, because at least you can see there is an issue and work towards doing something about it.

How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships

In a nutshell, when you think poorly of yourself, it shows. Like a bad stain smack in the middle of a white t-shirt, low self esteem is hard to miss, offputting, and ultimately detrimental to any and all relationships, dating or otherwise. So trying to attract a loving, beneficial partner when suffering from low self esteem is an uphill battle, at best.

As well, a nasty side effect of having low self esteem is the uncanny ability to find love in all the wrong ways and places. Think about it: how many times have you given parts of yourself to another in the hopes that they'd love you in return? Unfortunately, many people with low self esteem admit that they have.

In a way, low self esteem in a dating relationship becomes a sort of a push-pull: the person suffering from low self esteem has convinced themselves that they aren't lovable, yet attempts are made to get the person they are dating to try and prove otherwise. This is a potentially self-defeating, demoralizing and damaging state of affairs, and one that may repeat until the person afflicted chooses to do something about it.

http://dating.about.com/od/confidenceselfesteem/qt/lowselfesteem.htm

7 Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

Ten years ago I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart and become a young bride, which made it all the more devastating when happily ever after didn't pan out. When we broke up, I felt literally like I lost a limb, complete with phantom sensations of his hand in mine.

It didn't take long for a dark guilt to bubble up—a constant festering reminder of all the mistakes I’d made. I was highly unstable and insecure back then, and most of my relationships revolved around holding me up.

In the ruins of that romance, I didn't know what scared me more: that someone else might hurt me again or that I might hurt them enough first to deserve it.

I simultaneously felt an aching need to fill in the hole where he’d been and an overwhelming sense of nausea at the thought of being with someone else.

For eight years I ping ponged from fling to fling and extreme to extreme—putting myself out there far too soon or completely hiding my authentic self; expecting mountains to move or anticipating the worst; choosing the wrong people and refusing to let go, or choosing the right people and running away.

In each case, I either burdened the guy with a body bag full of my fears and insecurities, or dragged it around myself wondering why dating felt so exhausting.

I learned every lesson the hard way after first proving myself completely insane by doing the same things and over and over again and expecting different results.

I’m now a little less than two years into a peaceful, loving relationship, and I realize the journey to this connection had more to do with loving myself than finding him. No relationship with someone else can ever compensate for secretly believing you don’t deserve it.

While I by no means know everything, I feel the hard part isn't knowing what makes a healthy, happy relationship but actually applying that knowledge consistently. It’s a lot easier to make a laundry list of lessons than it is to put them into practice, especially when heightened emotions are involved.

So I've done something a little different to explore the different ideas that support healthy relationships. As I often do, I put a question out to the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: what’s the key to a happy relationship?

I took a sampling of the nearly 200 responses and grouped them into 7 tips. For each one, I listed a few simple ways to apply those ideas right now. If you’re not currently in a romantic relationship, a lot of these can still apply to the other relationships in your life.

7 Important Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

1. Practice self love first.

It seems like you can only have happy relationships if you can be happy with or without them. ~Erika Gonzalez

Know that it is not the other person’s job to make you happy. The only person who can do that is you! ~Christi Emmons

The ultimate kicker: be honest with yourself about who you are. ~Kelly Bell

Know that you can be yourself and still be accepted. The best relationship is when you bring out the best in each other, and you are purely content when neither has anything to say. ~Stephanie Schwenning

Take it off the page:

• Make a list or mental note of all the things to appreciate about you. Realize everyone has flaws, and there’s a lot more right with you than wrong with you.
• Work on forgiving yourself. The past is the past and you deserve to put it behind you, but no one else can let it go for you.
• Be good to yourself today. Practice yoga, meditate, or take a walk.

2. Focus on compatibility.

Be best friends first. ~Wendy Nicholson

Have an incredible “like” for each other. ~Diane Bateman

Have shared (or at least compatible) values and communication. Everything else can be forgiven, accepted, or put aside, however values are the root of how we relate to all beings. ~Frank Ra

Find the person who inspires you to be a better you, and always encourage them to become the best them. ~Corinne Morrill

Take it off the page:

• If you’re single, do something social that you love. You’re more likely to meet compatible people if you get out there and foster your  interests.
• If you’re in a relationship, spend some time sharing something you both enjoy. My boyfriend and I met at karaoke, so singing together is a great way to connect.
• If you’re in a relationship with someone and it always feels like hard work, ask yourself: are you trying to jam a square peg into a round hole? It can be scary to walk away from the wrong person, but it’s the only possibility of meeting someone who will feel right.

3. Practice acceptance.

Accept that not everyone or everything is perfect. We are all perfectly flawed. ~Simon Kirk

Be non-demanding of your partner—partners don’t tell each other what to do. ~John Bigl

Mutual adoration and acceptance of the differences that make each of you individuals are keys to a phenomenal relationship. ~Casey Kimes

Happiness is a choice, as are all things in life. I choose to see and feel grateful for all of the best qualities in my partner, rather than focusing on shortcomings. ~Emily Roberts

Take it off the page:

• If you feel yourself focusing on everything someone appears to be doing wrong, ask yourself if there’s something else upsetting you. It’s easier to blame other people than it is to look in ourselves, but oftentimes that’s where the problem is.
• If you feel like changing something about someone else today, ask yourself what change you can make in yourself instead. If you feel unappreciated, show appreciation. It’s more empowering and productive to show people how to treat us than to complain about what’s lacking.
• If there’s something you just can’t accept, ask yourself if you’re willing to walk away because of it. We can’t change other people, but we can change our relationship to them.

4. Have realistic expectations.

Don’t expect it to be happy all the time. ~Stephanie Goddard

Don’t sweat the small things and speak up when it really is important to you. ~Elizabeth Sadhu

Remember that it isn't always happy, but get through those not so happy moments together or apart, whichever is needed. ~Jessica Duff

Keep realistic standards for each other. ~Ashna Singh

Take it off the page:

• Eliminate the word should today—how a relationship should work, how people should act if they love you.
• Notice when you’re projecting something onto the other person that has nothing to do with them, like a fear from a past relationship. Then make an effort to let it go.
• Recognize when you’re looking for that person to do something for you that you need to do for yourself, like make you feel lovable or take care of your needs. Then release those expectations and do it for yourself.

5. Be kind in words and deeds.

Think about the person’s feelings before you speak or criticize them. ~Dana Brewer Covey

Have a fast ear and a slow tongue. ~Mark Ward

Have compassion and grow together, not apart, as the years go on. ~Krista Tverdak

Love must be bigger and stronger than anything else. Never keep any record of your partner’s mistakes and faults and be ready to forgive. ~Mel Escobar

Take it off the page:

• Make an effort to really listen—not just wait to talk.
• See the other person as if for the first time. It’s all too easy to take someone for granted. Really notice all the wonderful things they do, and let them know what you see.
• If you get frustrated with each other, ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I’ve cooled down?”

6. Be honest.

Talk about things that leave you vulnerable from the heart. ~Cheryl Floyed

Compromise and dream together. ~ Becca Stinson

From my grandparents, who have been happily married for 60 years: the three C’s: caring, communication, and compromise. ~Emily Larsen

Don’t sweat the small stuff, and if something really is bothering you talk about it in a calm controlled manner. Leave drama in the theaters and movies. ~Ben Reyna

Take it off the page:

• Open up about something that you've been keeping to yourself. It doesn’t have to be big and dramatic. People can only be there for us if we let them.
• If something’s on your mind, express it without implying the other person is responsible for your feelings.

7. Remember to act.

When you’re bored, do something about it. ~Ernie Somers

Adjust to change. Adjust to moods, lifestyle changes, and new additions, and always remember to love. ~Elysia Cordero

The rest comes and goes as we change and grow and struggle, but being able to laugh together brings you back together. ~Kerry Kokkinogenis

Have rich individual pursuits and pursue things together. ~Laura Texera

Take it off the page:

• If you haven’t in a while, take time to do your own thing today—completely on your own or with friends.
• Take time to laugh together, whether it’s watching funny YouTube videos or trying something new together.
• If you feel dissatisfied with your life, don’t assume it’s your relationship. What other adjustments could you make to feel happier with your place in the world? Maybe you need to take a small step toward a hobby or more fulfilling job.

And lastly…

Start over again and again. ~Miguel Angel Carrillo Infante

It’s a new day–a new chance to practice giving and receiving love.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-vital-choices-for-happy-relationships/