Why I compromise in my relationship and that's OK

Whoever said relationships were hard work was so right...

It's not about you anymore — it's about you and your partner. That's why the whole "don't settle for less than you want" in a relationship thing is such BS. Trust me, compromising is what got me a puppy!

THE LABOR OF LOVE

When my boyfriend Kenny told me he wanted to turn our master bedroom into a home office, I won't lie, I kind of mentally freaked out. Our other room (his current office at the time) was so tiny it could barely fit our California King bed and a nightstand in it, much less anything else for that matter. On some level, I almost felt betrayed by his request, like his business came first and our relationship wasn't even a priority. I knew this wasn't the case, of course, but I couldn't help but stew inside my head, envisioning his employees working in the very same place we both used to sleep. Our room, not theirs.

" ... compromising isn't about sacrificing your needs for the sake of his — it's about sacrificing for the sake of the relationship."

"Take some time to think about it, babe. If you don't want to do it, it's fine. Really, we don't have to," he tried to reassure me. “I just want you to be happy."

"OK fine," I said somewhat reluctantly, all the while thinking to myself, "Hell no! There's no way I'm giving up my big bedroom even if it means I get to pay less rent."

Still, I thought about it over the next couple of weeks, weighing all the pros and cons, because yeah, I love him and want to do what's in his best interest too. Would I genuinely be happy though? I wasn't sure at all, but I was willing to take a chance. Well, that is, on one condition…

"Let's compromise," I proclaimed. “I let you switch the rooms, and we get a puppy." I had been pushing the whole puppy issue for a while now with him not budging an inch. He wasn't ready for the responsibility apparently.

"OK, let's do it," he replied.

I couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. The very next day we switched the rooms though, and a few weeks later we became parents to the most adorable French Bulldog/Boston Terrier puppy ever: Whiskey. And I'm proud to say, Kenny's just as much in love with him as I am and the new room isn't so bad after all.

What I've learned through this entire process is that compromising isn't about sacrificing your needs for the sake of his — it's about sacrificing for the sake of the relationship. And when it all boils down to it, relationships are based on give and take (and trust, of course, too). So yeah, call me crazy or whatever you'd like, but I'd rather sleep in a tiny room than lose the man I love.

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1028785/why-i-compromise-in-my-relationship-and-thats-ok

The Day I Stopped Falling for Jerks

After years of dating charismatic, brilliant, slightly off-their-rockers men who were never that into her, Laura Fraser learned to quit chasing unavailable guys and embrace real love.

I recently came across a photo of a sexy Brazilian man I had an affair with a few years ago. (OK, I Googled him.) When I saw his sly smile and unruly black hair, I couldn't help thinking that, by comparison, my live-in boyfriend wasn’t quite as darkly seductive or exciting.

I met the Brazilian in line for a film screening while visiting Manhattan from San Francisco. I was convinced I'd found my ideal man: intellectual, witty, artistic, and hot. We spent a passionate week together, and when I left town, I thought I was leaving behind a new long-distance boyfriend—one who, it turned out, didn't like to call or e-mail...ever. I thought our fling was the start of a relationship; he thought it was a fling, period.

Disappointing, but it fit my usual pattern. I would fall for a brilliant guy with an irresistible smile who never quite fell for me but who possessed all the qualities I liked in a man: a sense of humor, certified smarts, smoldering looks. Each time, these men—dashing chefs, moody architects—would give me just enough attention to keep me in their narcissistic orbit. Whether or not they'd ever call was just part of the thrill, always keeping me on edge. Outwardly, I told myself I was having fun and it was just a matter of time before someone wanted to settle down; inside, I started to worry that I wasn’t lovable or exciting enough.

My friends were concerned. Sometime after the Brazilian, a buddy observed, "You need to be the Brazilian in your relationship." By that, she meant I needed a solid guy I could rely on. But was it possible to be stable and exciting? She had a point, but the kind of guy she described sounded so boring I figured I'd be better off getting a dog.

Then I met Peter—or, rather, re-met him. I had known Peter vaguely in college. He'd recently emerged from a divorce and onto a dating site where I'd been lurking. I passed over his profile, which depicted an earnest guy with bright blue-gray eyes wearing an old Guatemalan sweater. But he recognized me, and we started chatting. There were no witty phrases in his e-mails, no sense that he was teetering on that razor's edge between genius and madness.

Unconvinced of his romantic potential, I invited him over for soup, less a date than a get-together with an old friend. From the moment he walked in, I felt like he'd been sitting in my living room forever. I didn't feel compelled to impress him; he seemed to genuinely like my apartment, my books, my soup...and me. We laughed easily and kissed each other good night. Surprisingly, given how kind he was, I didn't want to stop kissing him. The next day, he called to ask when he could see me again—unusual behavior, considering the guys I'd dated.

On our second date, we had a quiet dinner at a bistro. On our third, he told me he was only interested in a committed relationship. I'd never heard a man say such a thing. But even though it was what I'd always said I wanted, the word monogamy sounded a lot like monotonous.

Everything about Peter was steady. He used to own a recording studio and now had a less-exciting gig as a construction manager. He had a cheerful disposition and didn't swear at drivers. He’d raised a considerate daughter who shared his quirky sense of humor. My friends told me I'd totally scored, finding a smart, handsome, 6'4" man who adored me.

By our second month of dating, Peter told me he loved me, that I was beautiful, that he liked my shoes, and that he was the luckiest man in the world to find me. We didn’t always have the pyrotechnic chemistry of a one-night stand, but we had a constant warmth that made me want to cuddle up next to him. At the same time, it made me incredibly anxious: I loved hearing Peter's offbeat observations about music and architecture, watching him rewire the lighting in my apartment, listen- ing to his boyish laugh—but where was that manic streak of irresponsibility I craved? It seemed too easy. I didn’t have to try to pin down an artistic, wandering soul to persuade him to love me, or clamor for his attention. Without that, the romance seemed to lose a certain thrill.

One evening, after one too many drinks, some demon took over my brain and I con- fessed that I thought he was too boring for me. I gave him a long list of all the ways he wasn’t interesting enough: He was always even-tempered. He didn’t come up with crazy ideas, asking me, as other men  had, to take off for Argentina, ride the roller coaster in Santa Cruz, or swallow vision-inducing drugs with a shaman in the Amazon. He was predictable—showing up when he said he would, bringing flowers, picking me up at the airport. Peter looked crushed. "Are you breaking up with me?" he asked, near tears. I hadn't planned on it—inexperienced as I was with intimacy, I thought I was just airing my feelings. Breaking up was the last thing I wanted. I didn't know what I would do without his hugs and gap-toothed smile.

"No," I mumbled, embarrassed and worried that he was going to flee. But Peter pushed back. "Just because I’m not an asshole doesn’t mean I’m boring," he said

"You need to figure out the difference."

Now that was interesting. He left, pissed off, and I ruminated all the next day. Peter was right. When I considered it, most of the charismatic men I'd dated were actually jerks or bad boys, hardly relationship material. They’d subtly reject me but keep me around for fun, playing games where I always ended up the loser. I suppose I’d always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable. It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn’t fall in love with me. There was nothing to risk. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love.

The problem wasn’t that Peter was boring. It was that I was scared to be in a real relationship. Who cared if he didn’t speak three languages? Peter made me deeply happy, not constantly anxious that I wasn’t good enough. His solidity was exactly why, I realized, I loved him so much.

The next day, too scared to call, I texted Peter that I loved him, too. He came over and crowed about it, then insisted I tell him out loud. Now I say it all the time. And the more he feels secure, the more he’s game for new adventures: going to Patagonia and Mexico, hosting parties, learning to ski. These days, I feel silly for not realizing a long time ago what I needed: someone I could trust with my heart. 

And that beats a sexy Brazilian any day.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/the-day-i-stopped-falling-for-jerks

Six Lies People Tell You About Being Single

When searching for love, it feels like you can't win. You're told that to find a good relationship, you should first be happy alone. But if you are content solo, then you're "too independent." So you admit that being single can be lonely…and are informed that you reek of desperation!

Before I met my husband, Mark, my single friends and I would talk about the many theories our loved ones offered up about why we hadn't found someone. They meant well, but now I know they were just plain wrong (I wasn't afraid of commitment; I just hadn't found the right guy!). I talked to so many women about the clueless feedback they hear that I was inspired to write a book—It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single. Here, why the top "reasons" for why you're single are a bunch of bunk.

1. "You're Too Intimidating/Independent"

For years, people told Suzanne that her confidence and professional success made her intimidating. No, she wasn't the CEO of a multinational company—she was a communications consultant who owned a house and a couple of cars. She happened to enjoy the occasional dinner alone at a sushi restaurant.

"My male friends told me my life could scare men away, because where is there room for them? They said I needed to look more vulnerable. I didn't know what that looked like. How do you show someone there is room for them without also coming off as weak and needy?" she says. That's the problem, isn't it? Just when you start getting your act together—hitting your stride in your career, creating a nice home for yourself and a strong network of friends and family—someone invariably comes along to tell you that everything you've built will actually harm your chance of finding love.

Suzanne knew her friends had her best interests in mind, so when a new boyfriend acted wistful about his more passive ex-girlfriends, she decided to do an experiment. On a bowling night with friends, she decided to be his kind of girl—asking for lots of advice, including whether she should get a hot dog or a burger. "I kept getting gutter balls. He responded really well to that," she says. One female friend commented that she thought Suzanne's boyfriend was good for her because she was more vulnerable with him. "I remember thinking, 'So this is what I have to do? I don't know if I can sustain this,'" Suzanne says.

That's the first problem with advice that tells you to be someone you're not—even if it temporarily appeases the other person, it's not going to make you happy. But the bigger problem is that this idea that having a spine and a brain will hurt your chance of finding love is baloney. The truth is, women with college degrees and higher incomes are actually just as likely to marry as their less accomplished peers. They're also less likely to divorce.

Sure, there are wimps who can't deal with a woman who can fix a leaky faucet or buy her own house, but that's not all men. Instead of trying to squash your spirit to please some insecure dude, why not wait for a guy who has the cojones to cheer when you get a promotion or bowl a strike? That's what Suzanne did, and she's now happily married to a man with the confidence to let her pick her own damn sandwich.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I didn't realize so many guys were such delicate flowers! I think I'll hold out for one who's man enough to date me."

2. "You're Too Picky"

When I asked women what their friends and family said about why they were alone, this was the overwhelming favorite. It's a nice fail-safe, since it's pretty hard to prove wrong. If he was rude to the waitress last night, maybe he was having a bad day. "Give him another chance!" is the cry of the reasonable.

My single friends and I would puzzle over this: Were our standards too exacting? None of us had salary requirements. We weren't looking for men to support us, although they did need to be able to support themselves. In fact, the only standard that truly mattered to any woman I knew was the one articulated by my friend Caitlin. "I want to find a guy who is as sweet and surprising as my friends are but who I also want to make out with," she said. I have yet to meet a happily coupled person whose significant other fails to clear this bar.

Caitlin did indeed find a guy like this, and they've been happily married for years. But when we were single, this attitude made us nuts— "Are you sure? Why not just go on one more date?"

Here's what we failed to see: Our friends weren't trying to make us feel bad. After all, accusing a single person of being too selective is a compliment in a way. It assumes that scads of people want to be with you.

Plus, there is a reason we got so much feedback. We asked for it…or complained enough that our friends felt compelled to cough up some sort of wisdom. The solution: Stop talking about it. Relying on your own judgment rather than a survey of your 12 closest friends is liberating. You don't have to justify not going on that third OkCupid date if no one knows about the first one.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I'm choosing a life partner, not a couch."

3. "You Don't Know How to Play the Game"

The media treats dating like a cosmic tennis match—one in which women are always cast as the losers. Single men, meanwhile, are the great victors, feasting on their many dating options, reveling in their bachelor freedom, getting all that milk for free.

Because of this, there's a tendency for a girl to be on defense. He postponed a dinner date? Failed to call at the appointed time? Then, sister, you are outta there! To win at love, women must put themselves on a pedestal—demanding free dinners and accepting only dates booked far in advance.

Lost in all this defensive dating is the fact that men and women are both looking for the same thing: a partner in this confusing life. So how do you know if you're making excuses for a douche bag or being overly harsh about a guy who's just a little forgetful?

For me, the best guide was How does he make you feel? Was that thoughtless remark a fluke from a guy who's genuinely into you or does it set off alarm bells? Anyway, maybe you will misjudge a guy who turns out to be a rat. But instead of arming yourself with commandments about what you won't accept, isn't it braver to date knowing you could get hurt but you will survive?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"That's because it's not a sport to me—I'm looking for a boyfriend, not a trophy."

4. "You Should Have Married That Guy"

When Julia broke up with Joe, her mom and sister told her she expected too much from relationships. Julia agreed with them that Joe was a great guy. That's why she had spent two years with him—she wanted it to work. But she also didn't feel a spark, and she refused to settle.

Isn't it funny? At the same time women are expected to be superhuman—nailing the perfect balance of sexy yet modest, independent yet vulnerable—we're also supposed to be grateful for any scrap of male attention that comes our way. So what if he's dull in bed? You can't have it all!

Julia worried her standards were too high…until she met Matt, who confirmed that "I wasn't crazy. I knew what this would feel like and was holding out for it!" she says.

Laurie, a TV exec, admits she was pretty exacting: Her future boyfriend would have to love the arts, not be religious, and live in Manhattan. Then she met a hilarious man named Dave—a Christian who lived in the suburbs and couldn't care less about museums. They've been married for 10 years. Did she settle? "Absolutely not! I feel lucky," she says. Laurie's list was off, but her instincts weren't. She finds Dave smart and attractive, and he treats her like the most desirable woman in the world. Who cares if he doesn't dig the symphony? So how do you know if you're settling? Easy. You're settling if you thinkyou're settling.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I decided that years of quiet desperation followed by divorce just wasn't for me."

5. "You're Too Available"

Rose's relationships typically didn't last long. Apart from one three-year romance, most lasted only three to six months. She often asked her married friends for advice.

The diagnosis? "That I was caring too much, trying too hard, and not playing hard to get," says Rose. This is classic dating-guide advice: If you love someone, don't you dare let him know. Keep him guessing, because men love the hunt.

This idea is presented as empowering—appear so confident that you're invulnerable to his opinion. There is a kernel of wisdom in there: Don't let another person determine your worth. But in telling women to act like unavailable ice queens, the message is: Hide your true feelings, because if he sees how you really feel, he will leave. How is that supposed to make you feel confident?

Bitchiness is false confidence. Making someone feel insecure, withholding kindness—this is not how truly confident people behave. Think about the most self-assured people you know. Are they inconsiderate? Do they try to make you feel small? And think about yourself when you've gotten a promotion or a great compliment. Does this wellspring of self-worth make you aloof or are you more likely to say, "You look fantastic!"?

For all of Rose's self-doubt, she also had a small but fierce instinct that one day she'd meet someone who wouldn't need to be manipulated into liking her. She was right. She's now married to a man who adores her…and the fact that she's not afraid to express her feelings. Can you prolong a relationship with an ambivalent dipshit by withholding your affection? Possibly. But why would you want to?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I'm a person, not reservations at a hot restaurant. I'm pretty sure there's a guy out there who's smart enough to know the difference."

6. "You Have Issues"

Are you commitmentphobic? Afraid of intimacy? Too close to your father? Not close enough? If you're a single woman who would rather not be single, the pathologies you're accused of are endless.

There's nothing wrong with working through your issues. If you want to conquer your fear of heights, go for it! The problem arises when you try to eradicate your hang-ups as a prerequisite to finding a relationship. Let's face it: If everyone had to shed their psychological baggage before finding a partner, there would be a lot more unattached people in the world. As I'm sure many of your partnered friends demonstrate, it's very possible to be in a happy relationship even if you get anxious at parties or hate your thighs.

Sure, there are those whose emotional issues—from garden-variety intimacy fears to full-blown personality disorders—prevent them from being in committed relationships. The problem is, this pat conclusion has been lobbed at all singles seeking love.

Think about it this way: What if your only issue is the belief that you have issues and that they're keeping you from a relationship? What if you stopped defining yourself as someone with a bad-boy addiction or low self-esteem? What if you instead saw yourself as a flawed but lovable human being? What if the only reason you're alone is because you just haven't met the right partner yet?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"And you don't?"

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/six-common-reasons-why-youre-single

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Committing

You’ve been on many dates. You laugh at each other’s jokes. You find their quirks endearing. And you’re excited to see where the relationship might lead. Before you take that leap into a serious committed relationship, here are some questions to ask yourself.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Do we share the same views on monogamy, marriage and children?

The big-ticket items, like family, marriage, and views on monogamy are conversation-topic musts before leaping into serious commitment. Differing values on these areas are often non-negotiables. It’s better to know he doesn’t want kids or that she’s not interested in ever getting married now than get further invested in a relationship that, ultimately, can’t have a future.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Are we spiritually compatible?

Maybe you’ve already talked about your faith backgrounds some, but articulating what your spiritual life looks like on a day-to-day basis — and what you aspire it to become — is an important step in determining when to get serious with one another. If one of you eschews organized religion and the other wishes they could attend orthodox services more often, you’re likely going to hit major roadblocks later on. Talk about these differences and determine if your differing faith systems are compatible with one another.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Are family and friends supportive of the relationship?

Does your mom like him? Does your roommate think she’s awesome? Positive feedback on the relationship from family and friends can help give you the green light in moving forward. If loved ones agree that the person you’re seeing is a good match for you, you’re committing to a relationship with a built-in support system.

If you sense hesitancy or wariness from loved ones, try to determine why they’re not as gung-ho about the relationship as you are. Maybe they’re just looking out for you following previous heartache. Maybe they have some serious reservations. Consider their yellow and red flags seriously before committing.

Question to ask yourself before committing: How do we deal with conflict?

Have you fought yet? Have you seen him upset? Establishing healthy conflict-resolution patterns is essential in cultivating a solid relationship.

Talk about conflict when you’re not in the middle of it. What often triggers defensiveness in you? What angers you? When do you feel most misunderstood? Do you tend to fight about the same things over and over? Establish rules for “fighting fair.”

Before committing, ensure that you’re both determined to always do right by the other person — and can compromise, apologize, and reassure when times get tough.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Can we communicate honestly about uncomfortable topics like money and sex?

The two biggest conflict topics in committed romantic relationships are money and sex. You’ll be setting your new relationship up for success if you start talking about these things early on. If you handle money differently, feel uncomfortable revealing spending philosophies, have different expectations when it comes to splitting the check or sharing a bed, now is the time to talk.

Practicing openness and honesty about private matters can build trust and prevent conflicts that arise from misunderstandings and assumptions. If you find you’re not compatible in these areas, be cautious about moving forward. Many find these differences to be irreconcilable.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Have we both dealt with our “baggage”?

Make sure you’re entering into this relationship for the right reasons — and without the past tagging along. Don’t commit as a knee-jerk reaction to your ex finding love elsewhere, or just because you hate being alone.

Have you both dealt enough with your relationship “baggage” that neither is comparing the other to a past relationship? If there’s still a “one that got away” in your life, you won’t be giving your all to the new relationship.

For a relationship to thrive, you need to be fully present. Before you commit, make sure this specific person is the one you want, and that your past, while important in terms of life lessons and character building, isn’t interfering with you giving your best to someone new.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Can I see myself with this person in the future?

If you can’t see yourself with this person in a few months, let alone a few years, you’re not ready to commit. And if you can already identify things that might derail the relationship, you need to talk. You don’t have to know, without a doubt, that this person is “the one,” but if you already know they’re not, why are you investing your time, energy and heart on someone you don’t want to be with in the future? It’s not fair to either of you.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Have we established mutual trust and respect?

Do you treat each other well? Do you feel like the person you’re with wants the best for you? Are you excited for each other’s dreams?  Would you describe the person you’re with as trustworthy, respectful and considerate?

A relationship missing these ingredients is already filled with red flags. You want to be with someone who treats you well, and with someone whom you deeply respect.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Do I really like this person?

It sounds trite, but it’s so important that you actually enjoy spending significant amounts of time with the person you’re about to commit to. Do you really, really like him? Do you care about the details of his life? Does she preoccupy your thoughts? Are you just interested in being in a relationship, or are you craving a relationship with this particular individual? If you like the person you’re dating, in a Bridget Jones “just as you are” kind of way, keep moving forward.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/questions-to-ask-yourself-before-committing/#.UjrMXMZ6bnc

Relationship Expert Advice For Happily Ever Afters

You may have found your prince, but what happens when he begins looking more like a toad?

Where is my happily ever after? We have all been exposed over and over to romantic stories from movies and television, and the story always ends when the romantic partners finally get together and live happily ever after. In actuality, this is when the realrelationship story begins. There are several stages that relationships go through over time, but most of us want the happily ever after — and believe our relationship should be easy. This is a myth. Satisfying, mature, relationships happen when both people work hard to maintain a sense of safety with each other.

According to Stan Tatkin PhD, there are a few stages in love relationships. These stages will help you identify where you are in the development of your own relationship. All three involve very different emotional states, so they require an adjustment with each transition.

The 3 Love Relationship Stages

1. Romantic Love
You are driven in this stage to idealize your potential partner. You experience the emotions of joy, and excitement. The novelty of a new love leads you to think about your partner day and night, imagining all the possibilities of how this person can fulfill your deepest desires. You want to spend every moment of every day with your new partner in the bliss of newly discovered love.

Here, you should remember the saying, "If it's too good to be true it usually is." There's a reason for this adage. In this stage of romance, your brain is not able to access and incorporate red flags, or flaws in your potential partner. You only see their potential and how you feel when you are with them. Your brain is literally addicted to the feeling of being in love. In this stage, you biologically lose your brain's prefrontal lobes' (the thinking and logical part of the brain) ability to reason.

Romantic love is the fodder of Hollywood movies and stories. Romantic love sells, and we can't get enough of it. But media representations of these stories give a false sense of what a relationship should look like, and set us up for disappointment in real relationships.

2. Realistic Love 
As a counselor, I hear the same story over and over, "Our relationship is not easy or fun anymore." This is the beginning of the second stage of love relationships, which is realistic love. It is most often in this stage that people get stuck. Idealization of your partner diminishes and you begin to see who your partner really is — and they begin to see you. All your flaws are exposed to each other and it is here when couples start really being challenged in the relationship.

It is in this stage where couples either make it or break it. The time frame for this stage varies wildly. Some relationships are ditched immediately, others endure bickering and unmet needs for many years. If you only believe in romantic love, your bubble will undoubtedly be burst in this stage. You will begin to feel cheated, or that you "settled" for a partner who is not the person you fell in love with. You will begin to feel resentful, and resort to blaming your partner for your unmet needs. Thus starts a cycle of blaming, hurt and despair. If you feel this is you, contact a marriage counselor sooner rather than later.

In my experience, couples wait too long to seek counseling. They live for years with blame, resentment and hurt before they seek help. Sometimes one partner is doing all the work to keep the relationship together and ultimately this strategy results in feeling depleted and frustrated. Eventually the depleted partner will decide they are totally done, and their partner will be surprised when the relationship ends. Some partners will step up to the plate and begin giving to the relationship when they realize they can no longer just take from it.

There is a healthy way to transition through this stage of realistic love relationship and move to a more mutually safe and secure functioning. I encourage any couple that recognizes they are living with negative patterns of behavior to get help with their relationship. This help will involve learning about yourself and your partner at a fundamentally deeper level. Find out what your unmet needs are, and work to feed your partner's unmet needs too.

Moving through this stage and staying together is a choice. According to MailOnline Blog, the UK's Leading sexpert Tracey Cox states long-term relationships need commitment. It is commitment to stay together no matter what obstacles are thrown your way that makes a difference. You both choose to work on the relationship. Over time, you can enjoy the benefits of this work by moving into mature love.

3. Mature Love
This stage is marked by safety and security in the relationship. Both people feel fulfilled and cared for by the other person. Isn't that what you want and desire? The only way to get obtain mature love is to work through the previous stages: there are no shortcuts. In this stage you and your partner know each other at a deep and intrinsic level. You know your own desires and wounds, and you choose to accept your partner's desires and wounds in turn. In other words, you have each other's backs — for better or worse.

Every one is human and makes mistakes. Each stage of love is wrought with mistakes; the important thing is that the two of you commit to working through the mistakes and building safety together. In this stage, love is an action and a feeling word. No longer worried about losing the relationship, you can experience this type of love as safe, satisfying and passionate.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/teresa-maples/where-my-happily-ever-after

5 Things You Should Know About Him Before You Move In

Moving in together is like getting engaged but without any jewelry. If you know me, you know that I don’t recommend a move without a ring. But if you disagree with me on that, at least take into consideration some things you should know about him before you move in together to make sure that it happens only once and only with the right guy. 

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His finances

I know, money is an icky topic. And asking someone point blank if they have any debt and how they invest is a total nightmare conversation. But you know what’s a bigger nightmare? Having to call your boyfriend’s mom because he owes you $2,500 for covering his rent and utilities because he’s “in between jobs.” That happened to a friend of mine. It turns out that when she met him and he had a job, he was actually “in between unemployment stints.” He could never keep a job and was chronically in debt. She had no idea because for the six months they dated, he was employed and seemed to be doing fine. There was no way for her to know unless she asked, and she didn’t. So take a lesson from my poor friend (who never got the money back, not even from his mother) and have the yucky conversation to avoid a yuckier situation.

His cleaning habits

Picking up your dude’s dirty underwear gets very old very quickly. If you’re a neat freak and he’s Oscar the Grouch personified, your living situation is going to be full of resentment and fights. And that also goes for if you’re a messy person and he’s Mr. Clean. Does it mean that it can’t work between a hot mess and a neat freak? No. But it’s only going to work if you talk about it and set some serious boundaries and rules that you both agree to.

Your relationship

He asked you to move in with him! He thinks you’re the one! Start subscribing to those bridal magazines! Not so fast, sister. Has he actually said that to you? Don’t assume anything. In a perfect world, yeah, he wants to move in with you because he sees it as a step forward in your relationship. But people aren’t always perfect. Or really ever perfect. He could be doing it for financial reasons, for convenience, because he’s lonely. Talk about where he sees your relationship going first and make sure you two are on the same page as far as what moving in together actually means.

His future

Here’s another crap-tastic question I’m telling you to ask your man: What’s his five-year plan? I know what you’re thinking, “This is a relationship, not an interview, Patti!” But you need to know where he’s planning on going before you hitch your wagon to his ride. Just be sure that you both see the same future or at least the same gist of a future. You don’t need to know all the details, but you do need to feel like you can be happy and satisfied in his gist of a future and that it hazily looks like your gist of a future.

His ideal weekend

Going from dating to living together is a big jump. As is going from “practically” living together to actually living together. Find out what he enjoys doing when you’re not around. Another tale from the friend crypt: One of my girlfriends knew that her man was into video games, but until she moved in, she didn’t know that he spent every waking minute he wasn’t on dates with her playing them. It led to some ugly fights, and let me tell you that in the battle of woman vs. video game, woman rarely wins.

Who here has moved in with someone recently? What’s the biggest lesson you learned?

http://www.pattistanger.com/things-you-should-know-about-him-before-you-move-in-together/

7 Signs You're Acting Like a Crazy Girl

The first thing every girl should know about a guy is that they are born to hunt and that they can sense when a girl is acting crazy. Boys love to chase and accomplish things, especially women. When we stop playing hard to get, and start acting like a needy child, boys lose all interest in us! That's why when a girl is acting crazy, most guys will just take off.  So ladies, do you know when a girl is acting crazy?  Or when you are acting crazy?   Heres a list of the top 8 signs to tell if you've lost your cool, and gained some crazy!

   1.CONSTANTLY CALLING AND TEXTING A GUY

Having to text a guy first, shame on him, having to text a guy four times, shame on you. Ladies, when you text a guy four times in a row and he hasn't texted you back, this is absolutely one of the signs that you're acting crazy!   A lot of guys are unsure if you are into them or not so It's a way to let him know you're approachable, but having to text him more times then that just screams needy. If he isn't making the effort to contact you first, or even respond to you at all, he's most likely not interested or scared of you.

2. ASKING EVERY PERSON IF "HE'S INTO YOU"

Yes, we all love to tell stories of that cute boy we hung out with or are talking to. What else are girlfriends for? But constantly having to ask other peoples opinion if he's into you should show you a sign that you're acting crazy. When someone is into us we know it. Having to tell the same story over twenty times to people makes you look a little nuts. Girls, if he is into you, you'll know it, no need to keep asking!  This is totally one of the things girls do when they are a little nutty!

3. PHYSICAL AND CYBER STALKING

There is a difference between checking out your crush online, and spending 2 hours learning everything about him before getting to know him in person. One of the signs a girl is acting crazy is stalking him on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr -- all night long!  With all of the different ways to see where your crush is hanging out, it's easy to stalk him, but that can be a little creepy on his part.  Just play it cool ladies!

4. ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR HIM

Another sign a girl is crazy is that she is constantly available to him, whenever he asks to do anything.  Make your crush wait a bit before you answer the phone, try a different day if he asks you out.  You don't want him to think that your schedule is constantly clear!

5. EMOTIONALLY INVESTED TOO SOON

Oh ladies, this is absolutely one of the biggest signs a girl is crazy when they instantly become in love with any guy that shows them attention.  Keep yourself a little more guarded, a little more reserved and don't become emotionally invested right away and it'll be better in the long run ladies!

6. PERSONALITY CHANGE

When you're dating a guy, you never want to morph into someone completely different.  Ladies, he likes you for a reason, why would you need to change?  Just because he likes cars and trucks, doesn't mean you have to too!  Have your own likes, dislikes and opinions!

7. CHECKING YOUR PHONE EVERY FIVE SECONDS

Oh the phone, I actually do this a lot now and I've been in a relationship for a while!  Checking your phone constantly see if he has called or texted is another sign a girl is acting crazy.  Just calm down, no need to constantly check your phone!

We all know what its like to have those crazy butterflies that make you think, dream, and breathe only about that crush you have. If you're going to act like a crazy girl the best way to do it is in hiding because of course there is a little crazy in all of us. Remember to play it cool, stick to being yourself, and remember you're more then enough for any guy. What other ways have you found yourself acting a little nuts?

http://love.allwomenstalk.com/signs-youre-acting-like-a-crazy-girl/7/

6 Secrets to a Great Long Distance Relationship

Traditionally long distance relationships have been unlikely to last beyond 6 months, but in the age of the internet, Skype and mobile phones they have more chance than ever of being successful. The challenges facing people engaged in a long-distance relationship are unique. It can take more careful planning, time and attention than a traditional relationship but if you are both committed to making it work there is no reason why it can’t be just as fulfilling and satisfying as any other relationship. To give your long distance relationship the very best chance of success here are our top 6 secrets.

1.      Creating clear parameters

Early on you both need to decide where you would both like this relationship to go. This will happen in a traditional relationship but there isn’t the same urgency. If you are going to invest time and effort in keeping in contact; money travelling to visit each other and emotional energy in establishing a bond over a distance you want to know early on that you are both heading in the same direction. Are you going to give it 6 months of you both giving it your very best shot and then get together to review how it is going? Are you working towards living together one day?  Do you know what level of commitment the other person wants from you and whether you can give it?

You don’t need to make all these decisions straight away but you do need to both have the ability to say what you want and need and articulate how you are feeling as the relationship goes on.

2.      Keeping regular contact

In order to make a long distance relationship work you need daily contact so that you become part of each other’s daily lives. This is easier than it used to be with the internet and Skype – no more huge phone bills!

Talk on the phone or online; write emails; send love letters; Skype or instant message – it is all great for your developing relationship but even the most talkative of people might run out of things to say. Try doing things together – watch a film at the same time and then talk about it; play Scrabble, chess or some other online game; learn a language together and then practice your skills while planning a trip to that country – there are no end of things you can engage together in online which will give you plenty to talk about every day and deepen your bond and connection with each other.

3.      Have face to face contact – as much as possible

Although you can develop a great virtual relationship it is really important that you set regular dates to meet up and see each other face to face. The physical contact of your partner is the glue that binds all the other things together – the smell of their skin; the touch of their hand; the kisses that say more than words ever could – it is vital to the success of the relationship that these meetings happen. When one visit has ended plan the next so you both have something to look forward to.

4.      Develop trust

Trust is the cornerstone of all healthy and lasting relationships but it is particularly important when it comes to long distance relationships – there is so much distance between you it is easy to become insecure or unsure about your partner’s commitment. This is why having clear parameters and daily contact is so important. It’s unrealistic to think that you won’t both get insecure at different times but if you are in daily contact you will be able to talk about how you are feeling rather than having days or weeks feeling unsure and insecure.

5.      Nurture security

Feeling secure in a relationship comes from being really clear with each other about what is happening and where you are going. Firm plans, definite times arranged when you will meet online; a willingness to talk about the future and, most importantly, an agreement that if it isn’t working you will tell each other – all of these things will create the security you need in order for your relationship to survive and thrive.

6.      Have an attitude of gratitude

Many long distance relationships don’t survive because the distance between them becomes a painful experience and when the couple talk it is about how awful it is that they can’t be together, how much they miss each other and how difficult it all is. Watching your partner suffer emotional pain is horrible and will lead some people to conclude it is better to finish it rather than prolong the agony.

When you talk try to focus on what is great about your relationship and although it will be painful at times don’t wallow in it or you might risk losing them altogether.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/relationships/2012/10/6-secrets-to-a-great-long-distance-relationship#.UgoCHpK1Hnc