The 3 Communication Secrets That Keep Him Interested

Show him how he adds to your life, rather than focusing on the things that bother you

Communicate with a man in this smart way and motivate him to invest in your relationship.

Have you ever tried to convince a man to do more in your relationship, only to see him pull further away from you? There's a smart way to communicate with a man and motivate him to invest in your relationship — without any convincing at all.

When you're frustrated that you're doing more than your fair share in a relationship, do you feel the need to take action and try to talk the man you're with into giving more? Sure you do — most women react the same way. And you don't need me to tell you that most men will resist your efforts.

That's because of something I call "the convincer". When you try to talk a man into doing what you want, he will naturally become "the resister". It's human nature.

Your convincing is a turn off for him, because he'll feel like he's being forced rather than making his own decision to invest in the relationship. If you really want to get a man to start putting in more effort, memorize these three key elements.

COMMUNICATION SECRET #1:  Truly Listen
In order for a man to respect your feelings and needs, he needs to feel safe to share his true feelings with you. And the way to do that is to show him you’re not just venting your feelings but rather truly interested in what he has to say.

Men — just like women — need to feel like it’s okay to have their feelings, and that they will be heard and respected. And when they realize their partner isn’t really listening or interested in who they truly are or how they truly feel, they will start to shut off bit by bit.

So, approach difficult conversations with a spirit of negotiation. Understand that he has his own reasons for feeling the way he does, and listen with the intent of reaching an agreement that pleases both of you. This kind of listening makes a man feel most comfortable to open up and respond with a deeper level of thought, care and honesty.

COMMUNICATION SECRET #2:  Quiet the Criticism
There’s something absolutely critical you need to get about men if you want to enjoy a lasting relationship that feels easy and like a fit for you and for the man you're with. It's this: men do not respond to criticism in relationships. Now, this might sound obvious; but women often accidentally end up criticizing a man in an effort to make the relationship better.  You'll say, "I think we need to do more romantic things together," and all he'll most likely hear is, "You're a lousy boyfriend."

In the end, even subtle criticism will motivate a man to distance himself from you and see your relationship as a negative place he needs to get away from in order to feel better about himself.

When you think about it, criticism is just one way to try and create change and to motivate someone (a man) to do something differently.

Can you think of a more effective way of communicating that will get you the response you really want in your relationship? Let me tell you about a way that works magic with a man ...

COMMUNICATION SECRET #3:  Show Appreciation
A man wants to be respected for his thoughts and actions, and the way you communicate this to him is by showing appreciation.

So start noticing the different ways he makes you happy, and thank him for it — often. Acknowledge even the smallest things he does that you like. Show him how he adds to your life, rather than focusing on the things that bother you.  Don’t worry about him thinking that you’re faking your appreciation; just genuinely be grateful for the good things he does, and he will be more inclined to keep doing them. When a man does not feel he is contributing positively to your life, his attraction for you wanes; and it will be much more difficult for him to stay engaged in the relationship. 

Appreciation is the fuel that feeds a man's passion for you and makes him not want to leave your side. Start showing him the appreciation he needs, and you'll find yourself with a man who starts showing up in your relationship ... wholeheartedly.

When you genuinely listen to a man, avoid making him feel wrong, and make a point of letting him know when he does things right, you will make him feel understood, respected and appreciated. He'll feel that he is making a positive difference if your life, and this will give him a sense of purpose that will encourage him to give even more of himself to the relationship and, in turn, to you.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/christian-carter/love-3-effective-communication-secrets-keep-him-interested

How To Be Honest With A Man

Can you really tell a man everything on your mind? Yes, as long as you know these critical elements.

Can you really tell a man everything on your mind — even the not-so-pretty stuff?  And can it bring you closer together? Yes ... as long as you know these critical elements about how to communicate with him first.

Has a man ever told you of some plans he had to hang out with his friends, or travel somewhere by himself for whatever reason, and you pretended to be perfectly okay with it because you didn't want to seem "needy?"

But then later, when he came back ... BAM!

All those hurt, angry feelings came out, he withdrew, and then there's a wedge between the two of you. You might conclude that you can't be honest with a man, when in reality a little tweaking in terms of timing and delivery can make all the difference ... 

Stop Avoiding The Issue And Start Speaking Up
Here's something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it's true ...

A man absolutely wants you to be honest and straightforward with him.

This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other. And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you aren't open and direct.

If they are planning something that you don't agree with, they want you to let them know at the start — as soon as possible — before it becomes a bigger issue or concern.

Here's the beauty of telling a man what you think early on: it allows you to communicate in a way that's less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while.

Understand The Real Reason He Gets Upset With You
Men don't "automatically" get upset when you let them know how you feel about something. They get upset when they see that YOU are upset.

See, for most men, when a woman tells them something that isn't great about their relationship, men take it very personally. He'll instantly feel like you are blaming him — even though you might not be.

Learn How to Be Honest With A Man

Why? Men like to think and believe that the woman they're with respects them and sees them as a great man. So when a woman shares something that isn't "perfect," a man will take it as you thinking that he is not good enough — and not just that something happened in your relationship that can easily be changed or improved in the future.

To stop this cycle of a man feeling criticized, or like he doesn't please you, you first need to find a "safe space" before you talk and share your feelings with him. Here's how to do it ...

Create A Safe Space For Both Of You To Open Up
By "safe," I mean telling a man that what you think, feel ,and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.

Here’s your action plan:  sit down with him today at some time when you're both settled and relaxed.  Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don't believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation — because you get what you give!)

Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness — yours and his.

What you're doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other's real feelings — regardless of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment. This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are heard and respected.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/christian-carter/love-relationship-dating-advice-how-be-honest-man

20 Signs He's in Love With You

• 
  

1. He looks up the movie you've been waiting to see and surprises you with a date night. He might not want to see it, but he knows all the show times in a five mile radius.

2. He brings you flowers for no reason. Some women think this is tacky. It isn't. 

3. He really tries to make you come. Even if he lacks talent in bed, he's making an effort to improve.

4. He doesn't look at his phone when you're around. Flappy Bird and status updates can't win out over you. Suppressing the compulsion to check his phone, that's love.

5. He texts you pictures of inside jokes and things that remind him of you. Somehow, he makes grumpy cat memes romantic.

6. He wants you to hang out with his friends. This might be hell for you, but he really wants you around.

7. He tries to hold you while you're sleeping. You might wake up annoyed and sweating, but he just wants to cuddle.

8. He wants to know you got home safe. Don't roll your eyes. There's genuine concern in that "r u home?" text.

9. He cancels plans for you. You take precedent over guy's night and sports schedules. 

10. He teases you, in a good way. He can make fun of you in a way that makes you laugh, not in a way that makes you cry quietly in the bathroom later.

11. He remembers every little conversation you've had. That time you rambled about your nail polish preferences? He was paying attention THE WHOLE TIME, and buys you the right ones for your birthday.

12. He actively tries to express his emotions. This can be difficult. Ignore all the awkward pauses and uncomfortable shifting, and what he's saying might be kind of sweet.

13. He compliments you when you're not wearing makeup. Hell, he might not even notice you're not wearing makeup.

14. He makes you dinner after a bad day. He might only know one recipe,  but it always cheers you up.

15. Even if he's not very emo, he has a sentimental streak when it comes to you. Dude has never cried, but he keeps a sweet love note from you in his wallet.

16. He surprises you with coffee. Just remembering your crazy convoluted order would've been impressive.

17. He thinks your annoying habits are cute. Even the thing where you separate all the foods on your plate with bread so they don't touch.

18. He loves showing off your accomplishments. "This is my girlfriend, she just got her master's and got a job a week later and is so smart and beautiful and it's she great?"

19. He remembers something you mentioned you hated one time, and never does it again. May you never fear sitting on a cold toilet rim in the middle of the night.

20. He begrudgingly gets into some of your girly habits. OK, a ton of pillows on the bed is pretty nice actually.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/ways-he-shows-he-loves_you

What his facial hair says about him

WHAT'S HIS BEARD STYLE?

Bye-bye, clean-shaven baby-faced dudes. Facial hair is back in a big way. Just ask any hot hipster with a woodsman’s beard on his way to the farmers market — or George Clooney sporting stubble as he saunters down the red carpet.

What kind of scruff your guy chooses can speak volumes about him as a person, says Dr. Allan Peterkin,Dove Men+Care Face Range expert and author of One Thousand Beards: A Cultural History of Facial Hair. “Facial hair is pretty much across the board playful, sexy and rebellious all in one,” he says.
We’re getting excited just thinking about the brush of a guy’s whiskers on our necks. Check out our fun psychological diagnoses for every type of scruff.

If he has…

heavy sideburns/"mutton chops"

…he’s a free spirit.

Photo credit: Fuse/Getty ImagesFuse/Getty Images

You don’t see mutton chops that often these days, but post-Victorian times, in the midcentury U.S., both hippies and tough guys like Marlon Brando grew them to peacock — and to push back on the conservative establishment.

"I always think of Elvis,” Dr. Peterkin says. "Again, I think it's kind of a playful expression. You don't really see it; it's not a conventional look, so a guy is saying, 'I’m a free spirit, maybe I’m a hipster, but I’m sort of doing my own thing.' This is not mainstream facial hair."

We hope there's hip-swiveling ahead...

If he has a…

goatee

…he’s stable.

Photo credit: Blend Images/Peter Dressel/Vetta/Getty Images

Let's say your guy has been sporting a circle beard or a goatee since Nevermind was released. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, despite its reputation as a ‘90s relic. (Remember the lead singer of Everclear?) Especially in regions like the Midwest and among the country-western set, the goatee still registers as quite current and popular, Dr. Peterkin says.

If the goatee is your dude's signature look, it might even be the sign of a straight shooter who's not suggestible or flighty:

"Sometimes men will grow a beard quite young, and then it becomes like another limb — it's his life expression," he says. "It’s not about fads. He likes it, it works for him, and he sticks with it."

It's certainly treated Will Smith well all these years.

If he has a…

full beard, full mustache

…he wants you to know he’s a manly man.

Photo credit: Genevieve Morrison/Flickr Open/Getty Images

Often seen in tandem with a flannel shirt — but minus the tree ax — the urban woodsman’s beard is ultra-trendy right now, on college campuses and the streets of Brooklyn. Maybe he's not actually an outdoorsman, but he wouldn't mind if you thought so.

"I think a man is saying, 'I’m virile; I obviously have a lot of testosterone so that I can grow this full thing out," Dr. Peterkin says. "I may be a bit of a wild man, a natural man, a lumberjack, kind of a natural guy, back to nature, back to man's original state.' Some women might find it a bit caveman-y."

Hmmm, Stone Age or not, there is something hot about a lumberjack in the bedroom…

If he has…

stubble

…he values his masculinity — and he might be a little vain.

Photo credit: Tetra Images/Getty Images

Stubble has become the new normal, Dr. Peterkin says — so much so that when you flip through a men’s fashion magazine, you’ll see a model or actor with stubble more often than not.

"Guys can use facial hair to play up a strong feature or to conceal a weak chin or thin lips," he says. It’s definitely a masculine look. Keep in mind that [with] facial hair in pretty much every culture, or human culture, a very strong jaw is valued as a masculine trait, so facial hair, beards, even stubble, can define and make the chin look larger...a square jaw is a sign of masculinity and male beauty."

That explains our obsession with Jon Hamm's 5 o'clock shadow.

If he has a…

mustache, no beard

…he is confident and flirtatious.

Photo credit: Juanpablo San Martín/Flickr Open/Getty Images

Just reading the word "mustache” might conjure up an image of Burt Reynolds lounging on a bearskin rug in Cosmopolitan magazine. Or maybe you’re picturing a bad guy in a black-and-white movie twirling his handlebar mustache while hatching a devious plan. You wouldn’t be wrong to go there, Dr. Peterkin says.

"When we talk about the mustache historically, we talk about the 3 F's: The guy was either a fop, kind of effeminate perhaps or overly fussy; a foreigner, compared to the all-American sort of WASPy type; or a fiend, because villains in the movies always had mustaches," he says. "So it kind of had that negative overlay. And then in the '70s, it got really sexualized. It was sort of the porn star mustache, the swinger mustache and the gay/bisexual mustache."

So what’s a modern guy — who’s not Magnum, P.I. or a silent-film sleazeball — trying to say when he sports a ’stache?

"A guy who grows one I think is probably pretty playful and pretty confident, and he expects to be asked about it,” Peterkin says. "He's saying, 'Well, I know there’s been all this negative rap about the mustache, but I’m good to go.'"

And if he's just starting to experiment with facial hair?

Give him a break and let him have fun, even if you're not a fan at first. He might be working through some emotional issues.

"Psychologically, men often grow facial hair to mark a transition," Dr. Peterkin says. "So they're leaving a job, they're leaving a marriage or a relationship. Remember when Al Gore grew his beard after losing the election?.... I think for some guys, it is a new start."

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1032853/what-his-facial-hair-says-about-him

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1032853/what-his-facial-hair-says-about-him

21 Things Men Do That Women Don't Understand

21 Things Men Do That Women

Don't Understand

How are you not freezing? I'm freezing. WARNING: Generalizations ahead.

1. Go to sporting events. Especially when it’s cold and/or rainy out, and you’re just sitting in a stadium trying to flag a hot dog vendor down and freezing your dick off.

2. Adjust their balls in public. Are you just touching it to make sure it’s still there?

3. Make business deals at strip clubs. Tony Soprano? Sure. The rest of you? No. You have offices. Or go to, like, Arby’s. You do not need to expense boobs.

4. Absurd methods of hiding hair loss. That comb-over looks worse than if you just shaved it all off.

5. Give each other dumb-ass nicknames. The silly name your bros gave you might seem fine when you’re all hanging out, but I cannot in good conscience let someone who goes by “J-Dog” inside me.

6. Act like babies when they’re sick. They don’t have to deal with continuing life as usual while suffering mind-numbing cramps, so a cold every six months feels like The End Of The World.

7. Cat-call women. All the way from the caveman era to now, there has never been an instance of successful cat-calling. And yet, it prevails.

8. Pursue a woman intensely and then drop her when they get her. What the shit! Katy Perry even wrote a song about it.

9. Not constantly texting somebody. How are you and your best friends not having hilarious, nuanced conversations over chat for 24 hours a day? How can you only use text messaging for things like “on my way” or “running late see u soon?!” I don’t understand.

10. Drinking from kegs. Drinking Jaegerbombs. And conscious, competitive binge drinking, in general. When girls do it, it’s more like “Let’s have a glass of wine during House Hunters! Oh wait, we finished a bottle. Oh wait, we finished two bottles.”

11. Not "getting" some of their girlfriends' friends. And it's always her favorite friends.

12. Not talking to their parents as much as we do. Is the weird, awkward way grown men interact with their parents the way they interact with their parents even when their girlfriends are NOT present? How can they not be BFF with their mom like I am?

13. Their motorcycle/gun obsessions. Yuck.

14. How they idolize Bruce Willis. I feel nothing. Guys feel EVVVVERYTHING, because Die Hard is their Dirty Dancing.

15. How they're all obsessed with Jennifer Love Hewitt.Because they remember her status as Alpha Hotness from their adolescent days, circa Can’t Hardly Wait. We know her as that handjob-hawking lame-o on The Client List.

16. Wearing briefs. Because they are basically binding your junk to your body. When boxer briefs are available, not to mention way sexier, why not wear them?

17. Not being cold when you’re freezing. I wonder how many couples have wound up separating over a fight that started as the woman being cold and requesting the thermostat be turned up.

18. Wanting to skip foreplay. It’s the best part. Or at least gives the other part a run for its money.

19. Watching football for hours. Days, if it’s one of those big football things that goes on for days. What’s that called? The Megacup? The Uberdish? Oh right, the Superbowl.

20. Not caring how they look when they go to nice things.We're going to a party! Half the fun (for us) is getting ready. It's often more fun than the party itself, sadly.

21. "Dancing." Awkwardly swaying and rubbing your boner on a woman's back/butt is not dancing. 

http://www.love.com/sex-love/advice/things-women-dont-understand

Signs He’s Not Into You

Yes, the old clichés are true: the truth hurts — and it also sets you free. Here are 10 signs that he’s not into you.

Sign he’s just not into you: He says he’s not relationship material.

Listen to what he says. If he says that he’s not looking for a relationship, he doesn’t believe in marriage, he’s not relationship material, or he’s just “having fun,” don’t try to read beyond those words. Either he’s not into you, or he’s not into commitment in general. Take him at his word and move on to someone who values relationships the way you do.

Sign he’s just not into you: He encourages you to date other people.

If your date encourages you to date other people, it’s not because he wants to experience the enlightenment that comes with multiple dinner-plans partners; he’s just not into you enough to want you all to himself. If he’s still dating other people — and you’re at a stage where you feel you should be exclusive — then he’s not ready to commit to anyone. If he talks about those other girls, then he tells them about you, too. A man who is into you will want you exclusively and would be incredibly uncomfortable at the thought of you making romantic plans with other men.

Sign he’s just not into you: He won’t hold your hand in public.

You kiss in private, but he won’t go near you when you’re out in public. If he doesn’t want people to think you’re a couple — he probably introduces you to people you run into as his “friend,” right? — you probably aren’t one, or shouldn’t be. Even PDA-phobes should be okay with the occasional hand-holding or back-touching. You want to be with someone who’s proud to be associated with you.

Sign he’s just not into you: He’s available — at midnight.

Unless your date works super-crazy hours and literally gets off work at midnight, there’s no reason why the object of your affection should only make time for you late at night. Don’t become his booty call, his backup plan for when cooler plans fall through, and don’t settle for the less-than-prime hours of the day. If he’s into you, he’ll prioritize you at an hour that doesn’t inconvenience you or make you feel insecure.

Sign he’s just not into you: He won’t make plans in advance.

Sure, it might be a little much to expect your new boyfriend to commit to a weekend getaway nine months in the future, but if he’s hesitant to agree to dinner next weekend or a friend’s wedding next month, he’s probably not invested in the relationship. If he’s “keeping his options open,” then you’re not his priority. If he’s into you, he won’t have a problem adding a few future dates into his calendar.

Sign he’s just not into you: He avoids introducing you to his friends and family.

If he cancels on your family, or neglects to tell you his parents are in town until after the fact, he’s probably not into you — especially if you’ve been dating for a while. No, you don’t need to meet Mom and Dad after date two, but when you sense an avoidance strategy, he likely has one foot out the door. A guy who’s nuts about you will want his family and best friends to know how great you are, too.

Sign he’s just not into you: He guards his computer and phone when you’re around.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. No one should feel obligated to give up passwords or make their personal email account accessible to anyone. However, if your date consistently closes his laptop when you enter the room, keeps his phone with him when he goes to the bathroom, and behaves in a paranoid manner when you get close to his tech devices, he might be the untrustworthy one, not you. If his behavior is making you feel uneasy and insecure, speak up. If he’s into you, he’ll want you to feel secure and at peace. Side note: If you’re madly in love and in a super-healthy relationship, the computer/phone secrecy could be a sweet “researching engagement rings” thing. So don’t freak out if this is the only sign he’s not into you and everything else about the relationship remains solid.

Sign he’s just not into you: It’s always your house or his, never both.

If you’ve never been invited to his place, he’s keeping you at arm’s length for a reason. Yes, he might have the grossest roommate ever and he’s just trying to protect you from rabies or something, but even gross roommates are worth meeting at some point — and hopefully even leave the apartment on occasion. If he can’t share his home with you, he’s not interested in letting you get to know him. Likewise, if the two of you only spend time at his place — at his insistence — watch for relationship laziness. It’s more convenient that you come to him. He’s not willing to put any effort into tying his shoelaces and visiting your abode. If you spend all your time at chez boy and he still opposes you leaving anything there, he’s not into you enough to want a daily reminder of your awesomeness.

Sign he’s just not into you: He tells the same stories over and over again — and forgets the important stuff.

Some guys are just forgetful. Some, however, are not invested enough in a relationship to remember any details. Does he tell the same stories over and over, so disconnected from conversation that he’s not even listening to himself? Are important dates repeatedly forgotten or shrugged off? It’s one thing to forget a birthday; it’s another altogether to forget a birthday and not really care.

Sign he’s just not into you: He doesn’t return calls within 24 hours.

First, if you’re the only person calling and texting, evaluate your date’s interest in the relationship. Secondly, if your texts are consistently not getting responses within 24 hours, he’s not into you. When you’re crazy about someone, you can find thirty seconds to respond, even if it’s just a quick explanation as to why he’ll have to respond in greater detail later. Don’t hound the object of your affection, but expect him to be respectful enough to respond when you try to contact him. If he only answers your calls when he’s somewhere where call-display isn’t available, it’s probably time to find a new boyfriend.

Biggest red flag ever: If he doesn’t actually ask you out, he’s not into you. A man who wants you will make sure you know it.

Looking back, what were signs in your past relationship that he wasn’t interested? How long did it take you to see the red flags?

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/signs-hes-not-into-you/#.UxOCCPl_vnc

Is Your Hair Color Keeping You from Mr. Right?

I've always felt like a redhead, though I certainly wasn't born one. 

In fact, I've been dyeing my once-mousy hair this crazy red shade — think Moira Shearer in The Red Shoes — for the past decade. 

Do you know how difficult this color is to maintain? Within two weeks there's more bright sienna on my towels than on my head, and the whole effect is muted considerably. 

And while maintenance may be cheaply and easily acquired (thanks, Garnier Hot Tamale), finding a man who can commit is not. 

I live in New York City, which has a surplus of 200,000 single women to available men, and I have a history of attracting musicians on tour, homeless artists, polyamorist DJs, and, well, you get the picture. Until my male friend brought it up, I never considered the fact that my hair could be partly to blame.

"Go on."

"Well, when your hair is so vivid a color, it's kind of like a tattoo. It suggests an alternative lifestyle."

"Alternative to boring!"

"Alternative to serious. A lot of men are just intimidated by flashy. They want understated and down-to-earth."

He has a point. My personality seems big enough without the added Lucille Ball reference. And while it suited me as a girl of 29, now that I've entered my 30s, I'll admit it: I actually want to find a nice doctor to settle down with. A mere glance at my Facebook wall reveals that all my friends in new relationships are blonde, and all the engaged-to-be-marrieds just happen to be brunette. Coincidence? I think not! It is clear: I have to change my hair color.

My journey begins at Eva Scrivo's Bond Street salon, a welcoming space with very few men around. (I love an all-female environment when it comes to my salons — blame Steel Magnolias.)

In the flesh, Eva is one of the most glamorous-as-she-is-brilliant women I've met. Imagine Catherine Zeta-Jones wielding scissors with surgical precision and mixing color like Vermeer. When I confess my newfound theory that my hair color might be a man repellent, Eva suggests I test more than one makeover: Over several weeks, I would try both blonde and brown hair colors and see what happened to my love life.

Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?

In college, my platinum hair went with all my vintage dresses. My hair muse then was Courtney Love, and I exclusively dated guys who rode skateboards. I loved the look of the punk debutante, but bleach is a bitch on hair, and I eventually had to cut mine super-short to prevent the breakage that came with repeated use. Eva and I agree that in the interest of not changing its length, she will dye my hair a less damaging brunette, and that we'll try out a honey-colored wig in the interim.

Made of human hair, the wig is custom dyed and highlighted before Eva cuts it into my usual style. It's a shade that will transform me into something of a California girl, albeit without a tan. In order to ease my transition, Eva's cool makeup artist sister, Vinnetta, gives me some beauty tips for blondes looking to catch a husband.

"Men like dewy skin," Vinnetta says as she applies a mix of serum and moisturizer to my face after misting it with water. "It works on their subconscious to remind them of what you might look like after sex. Like you just finished running up a hill — flush and moist." This means a focus on skincare and less makeup overall.

"Your date probably doesn't appreciate your expertly applied Russian Red lipstick," Vinnetta continues. "They just want a little gloss. Nothing to interfere with the kissing."

I like the sound of that, but I wish that men understood that modern technology now allows us to attain a matte, nontransferable stain, because red lipstick looks so pretty with a little black dress. Alas, their subconscious minds have not gotten that memo.

In public, I don't really recognize myself with light hair. I suddenly feel much older, like the kind of woman who doesn't walk her own dog. I worry the rest of my look doesn't really live up to my hair.

"You look like a lady attorney who just had a couple of drinks, and I'm a little intimidated by you," says Adam when I see him for dinner.

"Well, I am a lady, and I did just have a couple of drinks," I reply. "But is this a different kind of intimidating than the red?"

"It's more sexually aggressive, and yet, it's kind of icy at the same time," Adam says.

Undaunted, I say yes to a guy who randomly asks me out online. I just updated my profile picture and clearly, the blonde is working! "I date mostly brunettes, but I tend to notice blondes more often," Sean, a carpenter with a full head of curly brown, tells me over tapas. "They're just brighter somehow."

I suppose this is why I stood out on nerve.com? I ask Sean, who probably thinks I am oddly obsessed with my hair (wait, I am!) if he thinks brunettes are more relationship-oriented.

"I think the issue is hair dye," he says. "Everybody does it, but with brunettes, you often can't tell. I usually associate blonde with 'fake,' and that leads to this presumption of unwholesomeness. I would guess that most men have a blonde fantasy, but brunettes seem closer to nature."

This is a polite way of saying that women who appear to dye their hair seem sluttier to dudes, even if they are naturally towheaded. Watch out, Swedes! And "streaky-stripey" hair (Sean's word for highlights) also connotes a loose woman. Definitely the image I was happy to project back in the day, but I'm starting to think going blonde might not be the change I'm looking for.

A Serious Woman

The day I go brunette, my hair undergoes three processes. First, a balancing shade of red is applied to fill in the accidental two-toned look on the bottom of my hair. Then, Eva mixes a rich, neutral brown by L'Oréal Professionnel INOA, and follows with a shine-boosting glaze. Because INOA is ammonia-free, you can color your hair till the cows come home and there won't be that telltale burn on your scalp. As I contemplate the reality that these curtains might finally match the drapes, Eva offers up her patented dating advice.

"You really should be dating four or five guys at once. How else are you to know what attributes are most important to you? Most people only click over one thing — intelligence, conversation, adventure, great sex, whatever — it doesn't mean you'll fall in love. The person you give up all the variety for should be spectacular."

Four or five guys — was she for real? Single, qualified, willing men in New York City are notoriously hard to find. But my friend Janet, a natural blonde who owns an art gallery, assures me it's easier for brunettes.

"I'm the first blonde my fiancé ever really dated. His preference has historically been for Little Browns. That's America's Girlfriend right there." Janet is convinced the transition will be the best thing I've ever done for my love life.

After the blowout, my hair is super-glossy. I never expected a color I'd always associated with mice could have such a dramatic effect. It's sophisticated yet approachable. Perhaps I can assimilate into "natural beauty" territory after all! Guy next door, here I come.

It doesn't take long before I have ample evidence that men are in fact down with the brown. Guys openly flirt on the elevator and in line at Chipotle. I get several compliments on my eye color. It's as if stripping away the distractions allows people to notice my face.

My newfound confidence inspires my engaged bestie to set me up with a single friend of hers. Elliot is a handsome English teacher who — hold the phone! — seems really, really nice. We meet at a crowded restaurant, and the hours fly as we quickly realize we have a lot in common. As it gets late, we even make plans to see each other again, and I'm feeling comfortable enough to tell him that I'd recently made a drastic change to my look. I ask him what he thinks of my newly dyed dark-chocolate-brown hair.

"It's nice," he says. "I don't know that it makes a difference, though. I think I would have been into you no matter what."

When he says it, I realize it's something I really needed to hear. I've always used my beautifully fake, bright hair as a way to stand out, and wrapped inside that was a fear of not being seen. What I notice about having brown hair is that I'm more confident and less conflicted about the attention I get from strangers. Now when somebody stares at me, I have to assume it's not because of my hair. It's just me. I think I'll stay brunette for a while.

http://www.marieclaire.com/hair-beauty/trends/hair-color-dating