5 Lies You Hear About Finding Love After Divorce

When you start all over after a divorce you get a lot of misinformation about what's out there -- and what you deserve. After I split with my husband of 16 years I was almost certain I'd just spend the rest of my life single. I was ready for that. And it's because of everything I was hearing about dating and relationships after divorce. I have to say, the landscape looked treacherous from where I stood. But maybe I was listening to the wrong voices? It turns out, when it comes to finding love again after divorce, it's not as complicated or difficult as you'd think. Forget the unhelpful noise you hear -- like these 5 bits of popular wisdom.

1. You're damaged goods. Something about surviving a bad relationship makes people feel less lovable, for some reason. The stigma of divorce is fading (finally, thank goodness!) but it's still hard to shake that feeling that you deserve less. But that's bunk. You are a survivor, and you deserve good love. Period.

Instead, consider your experience and what you have to offer your "social price," as Dr. David Anderson puts it. "The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price."

2. It's slim pickings out there. That's what I hear all the time, especially from my single friends. And to a certain extent, they're right. Dysfunctional man-baby knuckleheads abound. But there are also men who are kind and mature; They've had the same kinds of ups and downs in love that all of us have, and that's why they're still single.

3. Time is running out. Just after I split with my husband I felt this pressure, like I had just a couple years left of being attractive before I hit my old hag years. That's bananas. I mean, I should have more faith in my ability to age well. But that aside, this isn't a race. The men my age are getting older, too. We're aging together. And you need to let thing unfold in their own time or risk making a hasty mistake: The rebound relationship.

4. You're going to ruin your new relationship with your old baggage. You're not -- if you've done the work and are paying attention. Be present in the moment so you can be aware of old patterns of thinking or feeling creeping in. Remember you're dealing with a new person, not your ex. Also, everyone has baggage, not just divorced people.

5. A new relationship will make you whole again. It won't. You need to find out how to be a whole person on your own, first, before you find a new person to love. You can't use a new relationship to heal from the last one.

What's the most surprising thing you learned about finding love after divorce?

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/171526/5_lies_you_hear_about

Debunking the Biggest Myth of Dating Over 40

Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? I know. I did it for about 30 years and I experienced all the hurt, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, boredom, and exhaustion that comes with it.

So what’s the thing about dating that bothers you most? As a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I conducted a survey and asked women to tell me their biggest dating challenge as a woman in her 40s, 50s and beyond.

The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men.

Yah, I know. Not having quality men to date really sucks. It WOULD suck, that is…IF it were true. The idea that there aren’t any quality men is a myth.

There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States, about 7 million in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And these are just the ones using online dating!

And before you say…but, Bobbi, these aren’t quality men. All the good ones are taken…check this out:

If you live anywhere near a major metro area, and are looking for a man over 40,  5’8” or taller,  college educated, non-smoking, making a higher than median income…statistics say that there are over 2000 of these guys within 20 miles of you looking for love online. 

No good men? Really? And, remember girlfriend, you only need ONE.

Why do you hold on to this as if it were truth; like it’s a reality of life that you must endure? If you’re like I used to be as a single gal, it’s because it gives you permission to stay the same and stay single.

As long as you let yourself believe that your lack of connection with a good man is about T-H-E-M…then you don’t have to take responsibility. You are merely a victim of nasty and sad circumstance, rather than a strong, smart woman in charge of her life.

Take some advice from a gal who has been there, finally figured “the man-thing out,” got married at 47 and now enjoys a stellar relationship with the perfect man…for me. There are two things you can do that will immediately improve your experience with men:

1. Be a good picker.

Know what you want and must have, and make sure it’s the “Grownup You” doing the picking; not the 18-year-old who still expects all kinds of wacky things that no longer matter and wouldn’t make you happy anyway.

Be willing to forgo the idea of perfection and find a REAL man. He doesn’t have to be flawless to rock your world. (And btw how flawless are you? Aren’t your “quirks” what you want men to love about you?)

Here are some action steps to get you started:

•  Get honest with yourself by getting to the core of your belief that there are no quality men. When did you start believing this and why? Are these beliefs still true?

•  How does this belief impact your actions (or inaction), and how is that affecting your outcomes? If you believed otherwise, how would it change your dating experiences?

•  Make a choice. If this belief is working for you, great. If not, choose to let it go.

2. Give him a chance.

DO NOT tell me that in the first 10 minutes of meeting a man you can know that he is a potential suitor or life partner. If I hear this one more time….I’m going to burst.

Unless he spits when he talks, smells, or is drunk; give him a chance. Quick judgments are often more about you than the man sitting in front of you. 

Quickly dismissing men is most often about self-protection and reliving past experiences in the present. I mean, after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.

(Listen, I was the master of this, but finally learned how I consistently self sabotaged. And when I saw it, and dealt with it, my life changed. Yours will too.)

Here are your action steps:

•  Write your list of qualities, values, and behaviors that attract you and that you expect in a man with whom you spend time.

•  Review your list and decide: does this man exist? Are these qualities I’m looking for directly related to a man’s ability to make me happy? Are these truly requirements and worthy of dismissing a man who does not possess the quality? Out of this you will begin to refine your list of must-have’s, nice to have’s and who cares/what was I thinking.

If you are serious about finding a life partner, or at least a man to have some fun with, letting go of the idea that there are no good single men for you is a first critical step.

When your belief shifts, the good men will be there waiting for you. Ask any one of my coaching clients. After working on this for just a week or two, they  “miraculously” see nice guys everywhere.

What you believe is your truth. And what you put out and expect is what you get. I’d love to hear how this (pretty simple) shift works for you. Happy dating! 

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/debunking-the-biggest-myth-of-dating-over-40/#.U1kTrfldXnc

Tips on Dating a Younger Man

Pros and cons of dating a younger man!

Let's be honest, the main reason a woman will date a younger man is because physically it's very appealing. But there could be more than meets the eye. Here are four good reasons to allow yourself to jump into the kiddie pool.

The Pros:

1. Younger men are more energetic. They still have a thirst for life that hasn't been jaded yet. They are still climbing in an upward motion and aren't settling into the stereotypes of the men before them.

2. Appearance is very important to them. These men are not afraid to tap into their feminine side when it comes to grooming. And exercise is incorporated into their daily routines -- unlike an older man who is more set in his ways and more content to grow old just like his father did. Their style is set by what is seen in the media and they are much more fashion savvy.

3. Many younger men seem to be enraptured by older women. They have a certain amount of respect that differs from an older man. They see these women as experienced and knowledgeable in the bedroom -- as if they have mysterious tricks up their sleeves. Don't forget, as teen boys, usually their fantasies were that of models, movies stars and centerfolds -- many of which were older women.

4. Dating a younger man also makes the woman feel that she has more control of the relationship. In truth, with age does come experience and a certain sense of power. She can feel comfortable in setting the rules and doesn't need to feel like she is not in control of the situation.

The Cons:

1. A younger man still may be afraid of commitment. They are still enjoying the variations of different women. If commitment is something you may be looking for, you might want to opt for an older man.

2. Communication is still not at its optimum peak in a younger man. Either they aren't yet comfortable with it or they haven't been able to tap into their resources yet. As we all know, bad communication in any relationship is a recipe for disaster.

3. The mother figure often comes into play in this kind of relationship. Some younger guys are very needy and are looking to be "mothered" by an older woman. Many times the man will have jealousy issues and are not trusting of the woman. This kind of attachment is not healthy and can lead to a lot of pain on both sides.

4. Younger men are not looking into the future yet. They are still often living in the moment. They aren't too concerned with financial stability and future security. Older women know how fast time goes by and how important having this security is -- especially as we age. This difference can be a major cause of friction.

When the spark of romance blossoms between two people sometimes age does not matter. But it's good to have these guidelines to make you aware of the possibilities that could arise in these relationships.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meryl-hartstein/dating-a-younger-man_b_3751493.html

The Single Mum’s Dating Guide!

Whether your children have flown the coop, or they’re still in nappies, it can be a little tricky navigating the dating scene when you’ve got kids in tow. So here’s a few tips we’ve picked up from eHarmony’s single mothers to help you find the perfect man for you (and your family!).

You first

Putting yourself second and your kids first seems to be an inherent part of being a mother. Which is fine when it comes to letting them have the last slice of cake, or sitting through hours of Disney films (which, if you admit it, probably isn’t such a bad thing). But there’s no space for the children-first approach when it comes to online dating – this, at the very least, is all about you. So embrace a little me-time and enjoy talking about yourself for once – you’ve earned it!

In your own time 

There’s barely enough hours in the day as it is when you have children. Let alone, time to search for, date and fall in love with the perfect partner. That’s why single mums are turning to internet dating to find someone special – it’s a little easier to fit your dating activity around nap times, school picks-up or after your kids have gone to bed when the action is happening online. And if you’re with eHarmony there’s even a handy app you can download, so you can reply to messages or check out your matches without even turning on your computer. How’s that for efficiency?

You’re in good company

Another great thing about dating online is that there are plenty of men in the same shoes as you. Divorced or separated – many of them are just as keen to take things slowly and have the same worries about introducing new people to their families as you do. Besides respecting your time-frame, there’s other advantages to dating someone who’s a parent too – for one, there’s a good chance they already like kids.

You deserve fireworks

It can be tempting to settle for something safe, when it comes to dating as a single mum. But don’t forget that you deserve something special, something fun, and something that ticks all the boxes too. In fact, you deserve fireworks. So although you may feel like you’ve got a long list of things your new partner needs to have, don’t let chemistry be the thing you compromise on!

Be prepared for questions about your ex

Anyone you date will wonder what’s happening with your ex partner or husband – it’s only natural. The best thing you can do is be prepared, and be honest. Let them know where the relationship stands, and give them the opportunity to figure out if they can fit in with your arrangement – chances are they will, but everything will be easier if you’re up-front from the get go.

Trust that it will work out

First-time dating with children can be a steep learning curve, and we can’t guarantee it’ll always be a comfy ride. But, if you’re taking positive steps toward finding new love, you’re doing all the right things.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2014/03/the-single-mums-dating-guide#.U0FJRfldXIM

Six Reasons to Pursue Love After 40

What if I told you that falling in love when you are 40, 50, 60 or beyond is the BEST time? Better than when you are 18 and hot to trot, better than in your 20s when you didn’t know yourself from a hot rock or your 30s, when your baby and/or career clocks were ticking so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think.

This is the best time in your life to find and nurture true love and a great relationship…if you let it be. All of your experiences to this point have been preparation for finding fabulous, grownup, lasting love. And, yes, it’s true even if you've never fallen in love, picked the wrong partner time after time, been on hundreds of crappy dates or been dumped by your last 3 loves. I got married for the first time at age 47, and am now a dating and relationship coach for women over 40. So I know of what I speak; both personally and professionally.

So here are 6 reasons why love is so much lovelier for the over 40 single:

1) You are good on your own. You now know that your happiness can’t be wrapped up in one single person. The fantasies of finding your perfect “10” and all of the sudden becoming whole have long since passed – and good riddance. You’ve had years of creating your own happiness and contentment. You have a support system that has gotten you through the tough times and stable friendships that celebrate and cheer you on. You and your life are terrific, but The Right Someone” can make it even better. Now that’s a great basis for a relationship!

2)  You know what’s real. You are less emphatic about hanging on to romantic notions of what love should be. Stability and compatibility become more important than butterflies and chemistry. You have accomplishments under your belt, and you’ve experienced some bumps and bruises along the way. You know life is not always fair and that people are fallible and complicated. What 25-year-old can say that? Your life well lived has honed your ability to empathize and show patience and understanding; which you gladly pass on to your mate. A more realistic view of love and romance takes a lot of pressure off a relationship, so you can focus on what counts.

3)  It’s all about you (and him). As you mature, other areas of your life require less attention. There is space for playfulness, love and sex. You are not running after little kids anymore, having to prove yourself in a career or trying to keep up with the Joneses. You have given yourself permission to make your life about You. (You haven’t forgotten everyone else, you just no longer feel responsible for their happiness.) You have time in your schedule and room in your finances to splurge a bit more, and struggle a bit less.

4) Science is on your side. As we approach and cross through middle age, our brains tend to become more like the opposite sex. Gail Sheehy (remember Passages?)  contends that middle age is an opportunity for women to enjoy “postmenopausal zest” and for men to explore “serene potency.” The volatility of the reproductive years is ending and your brain biochemistry is re-balancing estrogen and testosterone. Men relax and become more comfortable with their feminine side and women often seek fulfillment in their lives from a sense of mastery. It’s a wonderful opportunity for men and women to move closer together. If you are looking for love at this time in your life, you can enjoy compatibility with the opposite sex like you never have before.

5) Your passion is in overdrive. Your body may be aging but your capacity for romantic love remains intact.  An AARP study of men and women over 50 found that 70% of 50-64 year olds and 63% of people 65+ report being currently in love. And of those over 65, 46% reported being passionately in love. Don’t underestimate the intensity with which we can both give and receive love later in life. The need to love and be loved remains strong, if you’re willing to nurture it.

6) You don’t sweat the small stuff. Your experience with your aging and departed parents underscores the limits and fragility of life. You’ve experienced illness and debilities – your own and/or your peer’s — and it’s a clear reminder that you don’t have forever to get it right. Being more cognizant of your mortality, along with the perspective gained from the most consequential of experiences, does wonders in helping you not sweat the small stuff. (That, by the way, was the only advice my 75-year-old Father gave me at my wedding: “Just don’t sweat the small stuff, sweetie.”) 

Your life experience, physiology, self-knowledge, realistic expectations and capacity for love make your middle to later years the absolute best time to enjoy all that companionship and partnership has to offer. Finding love later in life can feel like a little miracle, but the reality is that this joy is found by many. Frank Sinatra was right. Love is lovelier the second (or 3rd) time around.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/six-reasons-to-pursue-love-after-40/#.UvwIufl_vnc

Ten Great Things about Dating in Your 40s and 50s

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For those of you in your 40s or 50s who are recently divorced, widowed, or just eager to re-partner, dating again can be daunting. Perhaps it’s been a while since you’ve been “on the market”. You may want to think and act like a 25-year-old, but your seasoning tells another tale and may actually improve the chances for success.

The truth is that dating does change when you get older…and, in many ways, for the better. The paradox is that your maturity offers you many advantages over the youthful daters. Here’s why.

1. There is no ticking of the biological clock. Without the pressures of getting married and having children, you can enter into relationships for the “right” reasons, not because you are running out of fertile years.

2. Men and women in their 40s and 50s are generally more self-assured. They know what they want out of a relationship, what they are looking for in a mate and are not afraid to ask for it.

3. Your identity is more clearly defined. You are, therefore, more likely to depend on yourself, not your partner, to solve your own dilemmas.

4. You have learned from your previous relationship experiences. You can take inventory of what time has taught you so that you do not fall into old traps. Knowing yourself better and being able to size up others more skillfully gives you a big advantage.

5. You likely have greater financial freedom to enjoy fancy dinners and getaways. The days of scraping together enough money for a movie are over!

6. Romance is more enjoyable. You are more sexually confident and liberated than you were in your youth.

7. You have figured out what is important. You can put away the “list” of perfect characteristics that you are seeking in your date. Physical appearance, the type of car one drives and other status symbols take a back seat to more important personal attributes.

8. You have gained perspective. Not every aspect of your romantic life feels critical.

9. Your personal power is solid and secure. You have won and you have lost. You have made friends and let them go when they were not supportive. You can handle life’s ups and downs with grace.

10. As two independent people with separate lives, you are probably more capable than your younger counterparts to nurture the three entities needed for a healthy partnership; “I,” “You,” and “We.”

With enhanced self-awareness and father/mother-time on your side, there is a greater likelihood that you will make better choices, avoid previous destructive patterns, and build more lasting relationships. However, in some respects dating in your 40s and 50s is quite similar to dating in your 20s and 30s. The following are some common sense dating principles that apply across the generations.

1. Profit from your past mistakes. Know what baggage to check at the door. History has a way of repeating itself unless you mindfully replace your old dependencies and fears with new patterns of behavior.

2. Be proactive in creating opportunities. Whether you are engaging in online dating or joining a group where you will meet people with similar interests, don’t wait for something to happen.  Seek out as many opportunities as possible.

3. Recognize the power you have to be successful in your dating pursuits and use it. Seek out people who interest you, with eye contact, a smile or a simple “hello” rather than waiting for them to choose you.

4. Don’t waste time with people who don’t treat you well.

5. Even if you are not interested, be kind and respectful to people who show an interest in you.

6. Try not to focus heavily on the negatives. Not everything your date says or does will sit well with you. Try to see your potential partner as a whole person, recognizing the things you find endearing as well as the ones you see as negative.

7. Communicate. Silence is not always safe.  Don’t assume you and your partner see things in the same way or that your partner can read your mind. Take ownership of what is yours and communicate it honestly and directly.

8. Don’t assume the worst. Moments will arise when your judgment about your partner will be put to the test. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions. Like you, your partner is imperfect and deserves the benefit of the doubt.

9. Don’t rain on your partner’s parade. It is not possible that your “I” and your partner’s “I” will be perfectly compatible. Keep in mind that a good relationship is based on each person’s ability to be supportive of those differences.

Those of you in your 40s and 50s are in a wonderful period of your lives. You are beyond the confusion of your 20s and 30s and have clarified many of your major life values. Your priorities are in order and you know the benefits of being real. Go for it! You are in the driver’s seat!

What do you like about dating as you get older?

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/ten-great-advantages-to-dating-in-your-40s-and-50s/#.UuWRBBDFKM8