5 Lies You Hear About Finding Love After Divorce

When you start all over after a divorce you get a lot of misinformation about what's out there -- and what you deserve. After I split with my husband of 16 years I was almost certain I'd just spend the rest of my life single. I was ready for that. And it's because of everything I was hearing about dating and relationships after divorce. I have to say, the landscape looked treacherous from where I stood. But maybe I was listening to the wrong voices? It turns out, when it comes to finding love again after divorce, it's not as complicated or difficult as you'd think. Forget the unhelpful noise you hear -- like these 5 bits of popular wisdom.

1. You're damaged goods. Something about surviving a bad relationship makes people feel less lovable, for some reason. The stigma of divorce is fading (finally, thank goodness!) but it's still hard to shake that feeling that you deserve less. But that's bunk. You are a survivor, and you deserve good love. Period.

Instead, consider your experience and what you have to offer your "social price," as Dr. David Anderson puts it. "The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price."

2. It's slim pickings out there. That's what I hear all the time, especially from my single friends. And to a certain extent, they're right. Dysfunctional man-baby knuckleheads abound. But there are also men who are kind and mature; They've had the same kinds of ups and downs in love that all of us have, and that's why they're still single.

3. Time is running out. Just after I split with my husband I felt this pressure, like I had just a couple years left of being attractive before I hit my old hag years. That's bananas. I mean, I should have more faith in my ability to age well. But that aside, this isn't a race. The men my age are getting older, too. We're aging together. And you need to let thing unfold in their own time or risk making a hasty mistake: The rebound relationship.

4. You're going to ruin your new relationship with your old baggage. You're not -- if you've done the work and are paying attention. Be present in the moment so you can be aware of old patterns of thinking or feeling creeping in. Remember you're dealing with a new person, not your ex. Also, everyone has baggage, not just divorced people.

5. A new relationship will make you whole again. It won't. You need to find out how to be a whole person on your own, first, before you find a new person to love. You can't use a new relationship to heal from the last one.

What's the most surprising thing you learned about finding love after divorce?

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/171526/5_lies_you_hear_about

Divorce Survival Tips

Experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you're getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets - you're not as powerless as you may feel.

1. Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
2. Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
3. Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse's social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
4. Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
5. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
6. Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
7. Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don't co-sign for your spouse.
8. Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
9. Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
10. Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won't beat you to it.
11. Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it's discretionary, and it won't last forever.
12. Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It's better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
13. Don't put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don't involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It's bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
14. Don't alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it's bad for the children.
15. Child support is mandated by law " don't worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
16. Document any type of abuse.
17. Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won't talk to your spouse.
18. Don't fall for the hype. Don't let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn't make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/619