Dr. Phil: How to Know When You Can Really Trust Someone

Isn't it a nice idea to be open with everyone we meet, to give people the benefit of the doubt and always assume they have only good intentions? Nice indeed—except I don't believe it for a second. 

I think you have no business taking others into your confidence until you really know what they're all about. How do you get that critical information? By listening, not by talking. You can always learn something when you're listening. But as soon as your lips start moving, you're disclosing, and whenever someone knows what you're thinking or doing, there's risk involved. Now, that may sound cynical or overly cautious—but I believe you need to approach life with a strategy in mind. Consider this wisdom attributed to Cardinal Richelieu, a 17th-century French statesman (who knew a thing or two about strategy): "If you give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest of men, I will find something in them which will hang him." That guy was onto something. So was my dad, who said it a bit differently: "Never miss a good chance to shut up!" 

Words are powerful, and so is knowledge. When you tell people what you're thinking or doing, you are making a decision to empower them with information—and you may be unintentionally giving them ammunition they can use to exploit you, compete with you or somehow get in your way. I once knew a guy who casually mentioned to a coworker—who he thought was also a friend—that he was applying for a job that was an incredible opportunity. Next thing he knew, that coworker had been offered the position instead. True story. 

Do I think everyone is out to take advantage of you? Absolutely not. But I do believe that people need to earn your trust from the get-go. Don't just give it away freely until someone abuses it. You need to operate with a level of awareness about what you're disclosing every time you open your mouth and make sure you're not giving away information indiscriminately to people who aren't worthy of it. 

I'm not saying you have to give up friendly chitchat or meaningful talks with people you know well. There are healthy reasons to converse, and there are unhealthy ones. It's your job to recognize the difference. Think about this: How often do you hear yourself talking just to fill silences? Do you ever discover that you're revealing something you never intended to share just because you're uncomfortable with a lull in the conversation? I want you to know that it's perfectly okay to be quiet. Maybe you've heard me say, "You can't take back stupid." Once those words come out, you can't retrieve them—so when in doubt, keep your cards close to your vest. 

Personally, I'm always evaluating why people say what they say. Nobody does anything without a reason, so when I'm faced with a question about something that matters, I ask myself: "Why does that person want to know? Is he trying to manipulate me? Is he just being friendly? What's his true motivation?" Maybe it sounds paranoid, but I think it's just a smart, thoughtful way of engaging with the world. Before you talk about your feelings, plans, priorities, values—anything at all of substance—ask yourself: "Whom am I sharing this information with, and do they deserve it? Why are we having this conversation?" Engage your brain before you put your mouth in gear. And never miss a good chance to shut up! 


http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Know-When-to-Trust-Power-of-Silence

Change Your Mindset to Find True Love

Your mindset is everything when it comes to helping you find love. I’m not just talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love, overall. Love is a state of mind that either is or isn’t something you cultivate.

Wikipedia defines mindset as:

A set of assumptions, methods or notations held by one or more people, that creates a powerful incentive within these people or groups to continue to adopt or accept prior behaviors, choices, or tools.

Your mindset is how you approach the world. If you let it run wild, it will compel you to make the same choices over and over again. No one is exempt from having a mindset. We all have one. It’s like a filter through which you perceive your reality.

Your mindset, like a bad habit, has a shadow side. The shadow is devious and makes it tough for us to see that we have any particular mindset at all. It tricks us into believing that ”it’s just the way we think.” No big deal.

If you’re having trouble in your romantic life, it’s time to see if your mindset needs an adjustment. If you think your mindset might be causing problems, you have the power to change it. Like breaking any habit, it demands a great amount of effort and determination.

1. Have you created the right environment to attract love?

Answer the following three questions to see if your mindset is on the right track to finding love:

How you set up your life and personal space will tell you a lot. If you don’t pay attention to how you’re living and what you come home to at night, you aren’t “setting the stage” for the love you want.

Surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Make it a priority to always be around things that you consider beautiful. Your bedroom should be restful and inviting. Your home space should be free of clutter. Changing your home environment will change your energy and create a new mindset towards love.

2. Are you surrounding yourself with people who support you?

If you’re not seeking out positive, supportive people in your life, you will feel overwhelmed. None of us can do it alone. Regardless of how strong you think you are, we all need outside input and camaraderie to remind us that we are valuable and special people.

If you spend time with friends who love to gossip and complain, this negativity will rub off on you. These kinds of interactions support a mindset of being a victim to outside circumstances. You must find people who have a positive outlook on life and love. Surround yourself with people who see you as the wonderful person you are.

3. Do you take courageous action on your own behalf?

As women, we were not really taught the value of courage. Courage was something reserved for boys. But, being fully committed to loving someone and being vulnerable (which true love requires) demands that you have courage.

It’s not easy to trust another human being with your deepest self. It can feel risky. A romantic relationship will require you to have the courage to face the ups and downs of life. Other courageous actions you will need to take include speaking up for yourself, honoring your boundaries and telling the truth.

Your mindset to find love will change as you take action. It will be your greatest ally to help you find your perfect partner.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/22/change-your-mindset-to-find-true-love/

Low Self Esteem and How It Affects Dating Relationships

Low self esteem doesn't see race, sex, age, religion, martial status, height, weight, or any other label or category you could possibly attach yourself to. Unfortunately, low self esteem isn't something you can plan for, either. But low self esteem is something you can change - with a bit of hard work and patience. First however, let's discuss how low self esteem affects dating relationships.

Characteristics of Someone With Low Self Esteem

In general terms, people who suffer from low self esteem may feel or behave in some of the following ways:

• Practice a larger-than-normal amount of negative self talk, such as, "Why would anyone ever want to date me?" or, "I don't deserve a loving partner";


• Act destructively towards oneself and/or others, such as self-sabotaging behaviors or being overly critical;


• Apologize frequently and/or exhibit self-doubting behaviors;


• Need constant feedback from outside sources;


• Unable to receive or accept compliments;


• Focus on one's perceived flaws; and


• Become so much of a perfectionist that basic tasks don't get finished for fear of failure.

Did you recognize yourself in any of those points? Its nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, many people suffer from periodic bouts of low self esteem. Recognizing that you may be on a bit of a downswing is ok, because at least you can see there is an issue and work towards doing something about it.

How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships

In a nutshell, when you think poorly of yourself, it shows. Like a bad stain smack in the middle of a white t-shirt, low self esteem is hard to miss, offputting, and ultimately detrimental to any and all relationships, dating or otherwise. So trying to attract a loving, beneficial partner when suffering from low self esteem is an uphill battle, at best.

As well, a nasty side effect of having low self esteem is the uncanny ability to find love in all the wrong ways and places. Think about it: how many times have you given parts of yourself to another in the hopes that they'd love you in return? Unfortunately, many people with low self esteem admit that they have.

In a way, low self esteem in a dating relationship becomes a sort of a push-pull: the person suffering from low self esteem has convinced themselves that they aren't lovable, yet attempts are made to get the person they are dating to try and prove otherwise. This is a potentially self-defeating, demoralizing and damaging state of affairs, and one that may repeat until the person afflicted chooses to do something about it.

http://dating.about.com/od/confidenceselfesteem/qt/lowselfesteem.htm

How to Prepare for Being in a Good Relationship

Being in a good relationship takes work. So does starting one. But it’s absolutely worthwhile. Not only does it steer you in the right direction for a fulfilling relationship, it also helps you get to know yourself.
Here, Mark E. Sharp, Ph.D, a psychologist in private practice who specializes in relationship issues, shares what makes a good relationship, and how you can prepare for one.

What Defines a Good Relationship

In a good relationship, according to Sharp, both partners feel connected. They respect each other and their differences, enjoy each other’s company and feel a sense of security and safety, he said.
Sharp said there’s also a good balance between wanting to make your partner happy but knowing that you’re not responsible for their feelings. He believes that relationships consist of three things: each person and the relationship. And couples in a good relationship have a strong sense of “we.”

Take the example of one partner getting a new job in another city. Both partners wouldn’t just consider the effect on them as individuals; they’d need to consider the result on their relationship as well, he said.

Preparing for a Good Relationship

One of the biggest barriers people face in preparing for a good relationship is vulnerability – or lack thereof. Many people prefer to wait to open up until they can trust a potential partner. This makes sense, especially if you’ve been burned before.
But many people construct sky-high, sturdy fences, and don’t feel comfortable sharing a smidge of themselves. And many get defensive, Sharp said.
That translates into paying attention to everything that’s wrong with a potential partner or creating inconsequential rules for rejection, he said. For instance, you might exclude an entire group of people based on their profession, interests or a physical attribute like height.
Attraction is important, but “if those rules are very strict and very rigid, it is often a case of either setting up walls or barriers for connection or looking for some sort of external validation [such as] ‘I want people to see me with this hot person so they know how great I am.’”
And, as Sharp said, “Nobody is perfect so you can find a reason to not pursue a relationship with everyone.” Plus, not opening up at all can be a turnoff. “If you don’t open up some emotionally you come across as someone who is distant and not particularly interesting,” Sharp said.
People usually have a hard time being vulnerable and fear rejection because they put the relationship on a pedestal, he said. “Some people depend on the validation, or love, of others in order to feel OK about themselves. That puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and makes rejection more intolerable, leading to a more protective, and less effective, stance toward relationships.”
One of the best ways you can prepare for a fulfilling relationship in the future is to lead a fulfilling life right now. “Too many people put their lives, and the experiences they would like to have, on hold while they wait for a relationship,” Sharp said.
For instance, he’s met people who love to travel but don’t because they’re single. “Single people should approach life with the idea that if there is something they would like to experience, it is worth experiencing it by themselves.”
Examining your own sticking points also helps you prepare yourself. Start by looking at yourself, your relationship history and the expectations you have for relationships, Sharp said.
He suggested these additional strategies:

• Look for problematic patterns in past relationships. If it’s a problem that’s followed you into more than one relationship, it’s probably an issue you need to work on, Sharp said.
• Examine how you grew up, and compare it to other families. Many of us assume that how we grew up is the only right approach. And we typically take these ideas and expectations into our romantic relationships. The problem? All families are different. Thinking that your family’s ways are best can lead to conflict and sabotage relationships.
• Specifically, examine what you learned about conflict and problem solving; expressing anger; sharing personal information; expressing affection; and gender roles and behavior, he said. This can help you negotiate issues in your future relationship more effectively, and not take it so personally when you’re not treated the way you expected, Sharp said.
• Ask honest friends for feedback. Ask close friends who can be honest with you and have good relationships themselves about your weaknesses and sticky points, Sharp said.
• Pay attention to your emotions and triggers. “The stronger [your] responses, the more likely it is that you are dealing with a hot issue that may provide some problems,” Sharp said. Learn to spot the signs your body gives when you’re starting to experience an emotion, he said. This helps you figure out your triggers.

As you prepare for a healthy relationship, explore your own expectations and sticky points. Focus on becoming “the best possible and most confident individual [you] can be,” Sharp said.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/11/11/how-to-prepare-for-being-in-a-good-relationship/