10 Signs You're Becoming the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

ARE YOU GOING TOO FAR?

You might be justifying all of that Facebook stalking, the late-night texts, the lengthy emails and anonymous phone calls to his new girlfriend (who you're pretty sure he met while you were still dating), but have you gone too far? Have your friends been subtly hinting that you might be heading into crazy territory? We're sharing 10 signs you might be.

1

You think about him all the time

When you're thinking about your ex to the extent that these thoughts are interfering with your day-to-day life, he's become your focus, notes April Masini, author and relationship expert at AskApril.com. He shouldn't be your focus — you should be your focus. "It's understandable that breaking up requires a transition period, but after a few months, these thoughts should taper off, and you should focus more on what's in front of you that's possible, and not on what's behind you," she advises.

2

You still have him on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

Following a breakup, it's a good idea to cut social media ties with an ex. If you haven't, you're likely still too attached. "You're going to be tortured by his presence on your social media, especially when he starts dating," says Masini. "You won't be able to enjoy your social media friends and contacts when you're always clicking on his information."

3

You stalk him regularly on social media

As Masini tells us, keeping your ex on Facebook or similar can easily lead to stalking. The information is readily available and oh-so-tempting to pore over again and again. But, she warns that you won't get the whole story behind the photos or the tweets, just enough to lure you in and get you addicted: "Stalking means you've given up your power and you're investing it in a failed relationship."

True story: For about six months after my last breakup, the first thing I did every morning, even before coffee, was check my ex's Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Finally my best friend came over and deleted him from all platforms to save my sanity. I love her for it. Rochelle, 28

4

You ask his friends about him

Continuously asking his friends or your mutual friends for information about your ex is a mistake and a big step into crazy ex territory. "Before you know it, you're going to get a reputation, and you'll start noticing your invitations are dissipating," says Masini. "If you can't stop asking or wondering, make new friends who don't know him," she advises.

True story: I convinced myself it was better to ask about my ex than not talk about him because I thought it made me seem like I was more over it. But really I just ended up sounding like a broken record and if I'm honest, a bit of a stalker. Anonymous

5

You frequent places you might see him

Do yourself (and your dignity) a favor and stay away from places you know he'll be. "As soon as he realizes you're following him, or worse, showing up at his haunts before he even gets there, he's going to eventually find new places to hang out and you'll be out of the loop," warns Masini. She suggests using the breakup as an opportunity to find a better gym, a better coffee shop and a better dog park.

True story: I was so intent on seeing my ex I joined his gym. Big mistake. It was so awkward every time I saw him I could never concentrate on my workouts and I quit a month later.Deanna, 25

6

You still have all the things he gave you

Still have all his stuff? It's time to purge. "Keeping a shrine to your ex by maintaining a box of his stuff long after you've broken up with him is going to be weird at best, and obsessive at worst," Masini says. It also keeps you anchored in the past. She recommends getting his stuff together and mailing it back to him, his mom or donating it to Goodwill.

7

You text and email him

Women who chase men lose out, Masini says. And guess what? Texting, emailing and calling him count as chasing him — especially when you're initiating the chase, she explains: "I've heard from loads of women who justify doing this, but in the end, it catches up to them. If he's your ex, that means he's going to sleep with you if you make it that easy, but he's also going to be looking for relationships and sex elsewhere, too."

8

You're devising plans to get back together

People do reunite, but the circumstances need to be right and both people need to be ready. But, says Masini, if he's changed the locks, is dating someone else, and you saw them perusing rings at the mall, chances are, no matter how elaborate a plan you've hatched, he's moved on: "It takes two people to get together, and one to break up."

9

You want to sabotage his new relationship

The problem with sabotage, as tempting as it is when you find out he's dating someone else, is that you may end up driving him further away from you and more quickly into the arms of this new person. "You'll get a short-term boost and a long-term let down. The best revenge is living well, and that's a fact," says Masini. "If you really want to make him second guess himself, go have a great life and be gracious and polite."

True story: My friends and I spent so many hours and consumed many bottles of wine, hatching schemes of sabotage to scare off my ex's new girlfriend. We never put any into action, but I'm still embarrassed I was so intent on breaking them up. Laurel, 32

10

Your friends are sick of hearing about him

You might be hung up on your ex, but eventually your friends aren't going to want to hear about it. "You'll know that your friends are sick of hearing about your ex because they'll stop calling you, the calls they do make will be shorter, and you'll be invited out less and less," says Masini. "You'll start hearing about fun times you weren't included in because they didn't want to hear tales of woe."

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1028515/10-signs-youre-becoming-the-crazy-ex-girlfriend

How to Tell if You're His Rebound

SIGNS HE'S
ON THE REBOUND

You meet a guy, he seems great, but something feels… off. You might be his rebound and we’re sharing some sure-fire ways to tell.

He's still in touch with his ex

He might claim they're "just friends" and his former girlfriend might feel that way, but if he's still in touch with his ex regularly, he's not over her or at least not over their breakup. "If you are dating a man that is still in touch with his ex, this is a sign that he has unresolved feelings about her, the relationship and the breakup," affirms Jennifer Kelman, a relationship expert on Pearl.com and certified life coach. "By being with you he may be trying to push those feelings away and force himself to feel something for another woman in order to prove to himself that he is truly over the ex," she explains. It's not uncommon for two people to remain friends following a breakup but that usually takes some time. Being in touch right after a relationship ends is a sign that there is unfinished emotional business that needs dealing with and he might not be ready to settle down with someone else just yet.

He talks about his ex — a lot

What's the number one rule we always hear about dating and starting a new relationship? Keep talk of your ex to a minimum, or better yet, stay mum on the topic. So if he's talking your ear off about his ex, whether what he's saying is good or bad, he's very likely on the rebound and needs to sort through his feelings. "Talking about his ex a lot is also a sure sign that he has unresolved feelings about her and may even desire to still be with her," says Kelman. "In some way he may even be drawing comparisons between the two of you, and even if on the surface you are coming out ahead, most likely he is longing for what he used to have." There's no way your relationship with him can thrive if he has his ex on the brain and can't stop mentioning her and his breakup in conversation.

He's over-eager

Some guys are really eager to start a new relationship directly following a breakup. This is so they don't have to deal with any emotions, feelings or unanswered questions they might have about their recent past. Marching excitedly right into another relationship provides distraction — but only for so long. "The whirlwind may feel great on the surface, but trust your gut here. If it feels like too much or feels like he may be running toward you as a way to run from something else, you just may be a rebound," notes Kelman. Eventually those feelings he's not facing will come up and he will have to deal with them — and you don't want to be there when he does. You want to be the person he meets after he's dealt with all that past-relationship baggage.

He's more into sex than romance

There are also guys who go a little nuts following making an exit from a long-term relationship and focus on sex — all the sex they weren't getting when they were with their ex. Not that sex is bad — it's a large part of a good relationship, but if he's really not focused on anything but sex, you might be a rebound girl for him. "A guy coming out of a relationship who has been tied to someone else may just be out there looking to play the field and enjoy sex with many women," says Kelman. "Again, this is the time to trust your gut. If it feels only like sex and nothing more, follow that feeling." He'll get that out of his system and then the next person he meets will be a more likely candidate for a serious relationship.

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1024437/how-to-tell-youre-his-rebound

The Day I Stopped Falling for Jerks

After years of dating charismatic, brilliant, slightly off-their-rockers men who were never that into her, Laura Fraser learned to quit chasing unavailable guys and embrace real love.

I recently came across a photo of a sexy Brazilian man I had an affair with a few years ago. (OK, I Googled him.) When I saw his sly smile and unruly black hair, I couldn't help thinking that, by comparison, my live-in boyfriend wasn’t quite as darkly seductive or exciting.

I met the Brazilian in line for a film screening while visiting Manhattan from San Francisco. I was convinced I'd found my ideal man: intellectual, witty, artistic, and hot. We spent a passionate week together, and when I left town, I thought I was leaving behind a new long-distance boyfriend—one who, it turned out, didn't like to call or e-mail...ever. I thought our fling was the start of a relationship; he thought it was a fling, period.

Disappointing, but it fit my usual pattern. I would fall for a brilliant guy with an irresistible smile who never quite fell for me but who possessed all the qualities I liked in a man: a sense of humor, certified smarts, smoldering looks. Each time, these men—dashing chefs, moody architects—would give me just enough attention to keep me in their narcissistic orbit. Whether or not they'd ever call was just part of the thrill, always keeping me on edge. Outwardly, I told myself I was having fun and it was just a matter of time before someone wanted to settle down; inside, I started to worry that I wasn’t lovable or exciting enough.

My friends were concerned. Sometime after the Brazilian, a buddy observed, "You need to be the Brazilian in your relationship." By that, she meant I needed a solid guy I could rely on. But was it possible to be stable and exciting? She had a point, but the kind of guy she described sounded so boring I figured I'd be better off getting a dog.

Then I met Peter—or, rather, re-met him. I had known Peter vaguely in college. He'd recently emerged from a divorce and onto a dating site where I'd been lurking. I passed over his profile, which depicted an earnest guy with bright blue-gray eyes wearing an old Guatemalan sweater. But he recognized me, and we started chatting. There were no witty phrases in his e-mails, no sense that he was teetering on that razor's edge between genius and madness.

Unconvinced of his romantic potential, I invited him over for soup, less a date than a get-together with an old friend. From the moment he walked in, I felt like he'd been sitting in my living room forever. I didn't feel compelled to impress him; he seemed to genuinely like my apartment, my books, my soup...and me. We laughed easily and kissed each other good night. Surprisingly, given how kind he was, I didn't want to stop kissing him. The next day, he called to ask when he could see me again—unusual behavior, considering the guys I'd dated.

On our second date, we had a quiet dinner at a bistro. On our third, he told me he was only interested in a committed relationship. I'd never heard a man say such a thing. But even though it was what I'd always said I wanted, the word monogamy sounded a lot like monotonous.

Everything about Peter was steady. He used to own a recording studio and now had a less-exciting gig as a construction manager. He had a cheerful disposition and didn't swear at drivers. He’d raised a considerate daughter who shared his quirky sense of humor. My friends told me I'd totally scored, finding a smart, handsome, 6'4" man who adored me.

By our second month of dating, Peter told me he loved me, that I was beautiful, that he liked my shoes, and that he was the luckiest man in the world to find me. We didn’t always have the pyrotechnic chemistry of a one-night stand, but we had a constant warmth that made me want to cuddle up next to him. At the same time, it made me incredibly anxious: I loved hearing Peter's offbeat observations about music and architecture, watching him rewire the lighting in my apartment, listen- ing to his boyish laugh—but where was that manic streak of irresponsibility I craved? It seemed too easy. I didn’t have to try to pin down an artistic, wandering soul to persuade him to love me, or clamor for his attention. Without that, the romance seemed to lose a certain thrill.

One evening, after one too many drinks, some demon took over my brain and I con- fessed that I thought he was too boring for me. I gave him a long list of all the ways he wasn’t interesting enough: He was always even-tempered. He didn’t come up with crazy ideas, asking me, as other men  had, to take off for Argentina, ride the roller coaster in Santa Cruz, or swallow vision-inducing drugs with a shaman in the Amazon. He was predictable—showing up when he said he would, bringing flowers, picking me up at the airport. Peter looked crushed. "Are you breaking up with me?" he asked, near tears. I hadn't planned on it—inexperienced as I was with intimacy, I thought I was just airing my feelings. Breaking up was the last thing I wanted. I didn't know what I would do without his hugs and gap-toothed smile.

"No," I mumbled, embarrassed and worried that he was going to flee. But Peter pushed back. "Just because I’m not an asshole doesn’t mean I’m boring," he said

"You need to figure out the difference."

Now that was interesting. He left, pissed off, and I ruminated all the next day. Peter was right. When I considered it, most of the charismatic men I'd dated were actually jerks or bad boys, hardly relationship material. They’d subtly reject me but keep me around for fun, playing games where I always ended up the loser. I suppose I’d always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable. It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn’t fall in love with me. There was nothing to risk. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love.

The problem wasn’t that Peter was boring. It was that I was scared to be in a real relationship. Who cared if he didn’t speak three languages? Peter made me deeply happy, not constantly anxious that I wasn’t good enough. His solidity was exactly why, I realized, I loved him so much.

The next day, too scared to call, I texted Peter that I loved him, too. He came over and crowed about it, then insisted I tell him out loud. Now I say it all the time. And the more he feels secure, the more he’s game for new adventures: going to Patagonia and Mexico, hosting parties, learning to ski. These days, I feel silly for not realizing a long time ago what I needed: someone I could trust with my heart. 

And that beats a sexy Brazilian any day.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/the-day-i-stopped-falling-for-jerks

What to Do When You're Devastated After a Breakup

Most of us have experienced the devastation of a heart-wrenching breakup. Moving on from a hurtful split can be difficult work, but there are steps you can take to make the healing begin. According to Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity, these steps can help the process of healing begin.

Ask For Help
Now's the time to reach out to your friends and family. Don't be afraid to depend on others when you need it. Invite your sister over or take a walk with a friend—just be sure to get out of the house, eat well, and move. Doing so will get you to the next stage.

Use Your Time
In bad relationships, we often tend to fall into patterns of trying to fit into the relationship instead of considering what our own purpose might be. Now that you're out of the relationship, use the time to re-identify and reshape who you are. Use your emotional energy to ask some of the big questions: What do you want to be? What do you want to do? If you don't have an answer, think about your dreams and talents from childhood. Those early desires might reawaken something within!

Give To Others
Do something kind for other people. You might visit sick children in a hospital or help the homeless. Remember, as difficult as this time might be, your life is still valuable. There's a lot of important work to do, and a lot of people who you can help.

Create New Traditions
Use this time to get closer to the people you love, especially your children. Even if you need to be sad with them, you can come together to support each other. Try to create new traditions (like a regular movie night or volunteer time) with your family. Say to yourself, "In a year, I want to look back on this time and realize that I was changing my life for the better."

Educate Yourself Financially
A bad breakup affects emotions, but it also affects your finances. Go to the library and read books on managing your money. Feel secure so that you can create a financial future.

A Final Word
After a bad breakup, it's normal to experience feelings of sadness, loss, and anger. But if you feel yourself falling into despair, or you can't function, it may be time to speak with a counselor, minister, rabbi, or other trusted person.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Get-Over-a-Breakup

Divorce Survival Tips

Experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you're getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets - you're not as powerless as you may feel.

1. Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
2. Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
3. Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse's social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
4. Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
5. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
6. Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
7. Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don't co-sign for your spouse.
8. Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
9. Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
10. Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won't beat you to it.
11. Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it's discretionary, and it won't last forever.
12. Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It's better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
13. Don't put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don't involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It's bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
14. Don't alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it's bad for the children.
15. Child support is mandated by law " don't worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
16. Document any type of abuse.
17. Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won't talk to your spouse.
18. Don't fall for the hype. Don't let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn't make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/619

How to Tell If You're Dating Prince Charming or Prince Harming

According to ancient philosopher Aristotle, there are three kinds of relationships, only one of which will bring you true happiness. Find out how your relationship measures up!

1. Relationships of Pleasure
Partners who are about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. You share soulless, passionate sex and playful banter—but they're about the body or ego. They never soul-nurture you with insight and growth, so they never bring real-deal happiness.

2. Relationships of Utility
Partners you spend time with in hopes of garnering status, power, money and beauty like the rich guy with a trophy girl. Again, this is about body or ego and doesn't bring true joy.

3. Relationships of Shared Virtue
Partners who challenge and inspire you to grow into your highest potential and nurture your soul. A good example is when Jack Nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets says, "You make me want to be a better man." When you prioritize seeking a partner who supports you becoming your best self—instead of crushing on "superficial lures"(hotness, funniness, smartness, success, etc.)—you wind up with a soul mate/a Prince Charming/a definite keeper!

With this in mind, if you want to be happy in love, you must take time to see past a guy's "superficial lures" and look inside his "superinsidehimself." Unfortunately, those fumes of chemistry can often dizzy a gal into making stupid love choices. That's why it's important to remember: Hot, steamy chemistry eventually fades—and what's always left beneath is a person's true soul.

Yes, if you want to be happy, you must seek a good-hearted, ethical soul who brings you great growth—not simply a hottie who brings great grope!

Confession time: Another superficially alluring quality I've been suckered in by is humor. I am Silly Putty in a friggin' funny man's hands. I once had a boyfriend who teased me that the secret to getting me into bed was to crack five good jokes in a night. He'd count down his jokes as the night progressed. Unfortunately, funniness is a mere decorative quality —sometimes developed to avoid talking about real-life issues. Which is why in the past, after a few months of dating a friggin' funny guy, I've witnessed all that fabulous ha-ha-ha laughter often gives way to tears when the guy's true character—true soul—shows up as one that avoids honest communication, warm empathy and the desire for growth. Then, when I try to connect soul to soul—heart to heart—I am greeted by a gigantic, unmovable whoopee cushion wall.

Basically, friggin' funny is only the tiniest tip of a person. Meanwhile, a person's soul is a person's foundation!

For the record: Aristotle wasn't against finding someone friggin' funny or friggin' sexy or friggin' rich. He believed these pleasure-bringing qualities were good for stirring up passion, which humans need to be our fullest selves! But Aristotle recognized "superficial lures" and material goods were simply what he called "means to the ends" of happiness, not "the final ends," which is always to grow into your most esteemed self.

As Aristotle said: "Men imagine the causes of happiness lie in external goods. That is as if they were to ascribe fine and beautiful lyre playing to the quality of the instrument rather than the skill of the player."

Or as I like to say, "It's just as easy to complain about a rich man as it is to complain about a poor man."

Basically, it doesn't matter how rich a guy is if his behavior makes you twitchy and miserable.

While on the subject of money, Aristotle was no fan of slackers either. He recognized that being or dating poor brought its share of problems. He even admitted the lack of a certain amount of wealth was as much an obstacle to happiness as deprivation of freedom. He gladly accepted that some wealth was needed to be happy—just as exciting bodily pleasures were needed. But again, wealth and bodily pleasures were mere means to the ends of happiness—these ultimate ends being to nourish your soul, so you can reach your most esteemed level of self.

A big secret to happiness? Stop focusing on finding a Mr. Right! Start focusing on finding Life Plan Right. When a Mr. Potential Right comes along, you must ask yourself if this guy will lead you to Life Plan Right or Life Plan Wrong.

As you get to know the guy, look to see if he:
1. Offers you exciting growth as well as exciting grope
2. Has developed good character—so he'll be a positive influence on your character development.

If the guy scores two for two, you're likely in Prince Charming territory.




http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Are-You-Dating-Prince-Charming-or-Prince-Harming/4

The Relationship Repeater: How to Stop Seeking Out the Wrong Partners

Everyone has had a relationship that doesn’t work out, but not everyone repeatedly starts and ends relationships that so closely resemble the last one that failed.

What separates people who have good relationships from people who have bad ones? The degree of repetition and frustration. If you’re someone who keeps feeling frustrated that you’re not meeting The One, you might be what I call a “Relationship Repeater.” Simply put, a Relationship Repeater is someone who is stuck in a rut, making the same type of bad relationship decisions over and over.

Men and women who get stuck in this way aren’t crazy – just rigid and too set in their ways for their own good. They keep repeating the same mistakes because they have been unable to glean emotional lessons from their past relationships and learn from them. Healthy lovers, on the other hand, try to avoid what didn’t work the last time.

So, are you a Relationship Repeater? Ask yourself if you meet any of the following criteria:

•  You find yourself attracted to partners who don’t meet your emotional needs.

•  You find yourself attracted to the same characteristics that ultimately made you unhappy in the last relationship.

•  Your friends and family tell you that you prioritize the wrong characteristics in potential partners.

•  You struggle to find a partner who truly understands or ‘gets’ you.

•   You feel like you lack the ability to detect warning signs early, or you notice them but try to deny them or make excuses for them.

How to Get Un-Stuck:

If you’ve been unlucky in love so far, don’t worry: The truth is that you have complete control over your romantic future. Aren’t you tired of saying goodbye? Don’t you get sick of starting over with someone new? Follow the tips below and your future will thank you for it!

1. When dating someone new, keep the frequency of dates to a minimum, at least for a while.

There are so many rules about dating. There are rules about the rules, and rules about what happens if you don’t follow the rules. Well, here’s one rule I insist on: When you find someone you like, don’t see him or her too much in the beginning. If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships and you start seeing someone new too frequently and too intensely, I’m sorry to tell you that you are probably going to mess things up. It’s not your fault, but odds are that you will revert to your old, familiar behavior. The key is to slow things down so that you don’t blindly – or impulsively – make the same mistakes over and over again.

2. Gain insight into your problem and practice the art of detaching.

It’s normal to attach to someone you know and trust; it’s also normal to detach when someone hurts you and has shown a pattern of hurting you. The problem with men and women who are stuck seeking out the wrong partners is that once they attach to someone, they have a hard time detaching later when the relationship has stopped working. In other words, once they get attached to someone, they get stuck and cannot disengage or pull themselves apart – even if they’re unhappy.

You might wonder why people wouldn’t want to detach if they’re unhappy, but the sad truth is that having bad relationships is par for the course for Relationship Repeaters. In fact, most Relationship Repeaters came from families where there was significant chaos, addiction, or a painful separation (e.g., having an absent parent).

Relationship Repeaters don’t want to end their romantic relationships – even if they’re bad – because they’re sick of separations and they crave consistency, which they often haven’t had in their lives previously. If you have a problem detaching once you have already attached, you need to start engaging in behaviors that give you a greater sense of independence and inner peacefulness. Start on this course by going to the movies on your own or staying at home on an evening night when you would normally go out and socialize with others.

3. Talk to your primary care physician about obsessive-compulsive symptoms.

Men and women who have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder have a much more difficult time than others in having romantic relationships, as they tend to get stuck obsessing about things both big and small. Abbey and colleagues (2007), for example, found that the more severe one’s obsessions were, the more dissatisfied and less intimate the individuals’ romantic relationships were. It makes sense, too, if you think about it!

The vast majority of readers don’t have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but if you keep getting stuck repeating bad relationship patterns, you may have one or more obsessive-compulsive traits. Talk to your physician about whether you might have some of these symptoms, and whether these symptoms may negatively impact your approach to romantic relationships. If you do happen to have some obsessive-compulsive symptoms, there are lots of ways to reduce the severity so that you can function well in all parts of your life: medication therapy, talk therapy, or even spiritual or religious guidance from a professional who can help you meet your life goals.

4. Read a good book about how to stop repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

I’m a psychologist so I make referrals for psychotherapy in my sleep. I love therapy and think it is one of the most helpful things a person can do in his or her life, but I don’t underestimate the power of a good book in helping people change. I wrote an entire book on how to stop repeating toxic relationship patterns, which is called Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. You might find another book helpful, as well, which is called Obsessive Love, by my friend and colleague, Susan Forward.

You know what the worst consequence is when you keep seeking out the wrong partners again and again? You stop trusting yourself and your instincts, and you become haunted by a tiny voice in the back of your head that tells you that you’re programmed to fail in love. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, lock the doors and block out that voice. No one was put here on Earth to suffer repeatedly in relationships. We must learn from our mistakes and do better the next time. The final takeaway? Stop chasing, surrender, and let yourself have a consistently good relationship for a change.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/the-relationship-repeater-how-to-stop-seeking-out-the-wrong-partners/#.UgzbkZK1Hnc

7 Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

Ten years ago I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart and become a young bride, which made it all the more devastating when happily ever after didn't pan out. When we broke up, I felt literally like I lost a limb, complete with phantom sensations of his hand in mine.

It didn't take long for a dark guilt to bubble up—a constant festering reminder of all the mistakes I’d made. I was highly unstable and insecure back then, and most of my relationships revolved around holding me up.

In the ruins of that romance, I didn't know what scared me more: that someone else might hurt me again or that I might hurt them enough first to deserve it.

I simultaneously felt an aching need to fill in the hole where he’d been and an overwhelming sense of nausea at the thought of being with someone else.

For eight years I ping ponged from fling to fling and extreme to extreme—putting myself out there far too soon or completely hiding my authentic self; expecting mountains to move or anticipating the worst; choosing the wrong people and refusing to let go, or choosing the right people and running away.

In each case, I either burdened the guy with a body bag full of my fears and insecurities, or dragged it around myself wondering why dating felt so exhausting.

I learned every lesson the hard way after first proving myself completely insane by doing the same things and over and over again and expecting different results.

I’m now a little less than two years into a peaceful, loving relationship, and I realize the journey to this connection had more to do with loving myself than finding him. No relationship with someone else can ever compensate for secretly believing you don’t deserve it.

While I by no means know everything, I feel the hard part isn't knowing what makes a healthy, happy relationship but actually applying that knowledge consistently. It’s a lot easier to make a laundry list of lessons than it is to put them into practice, especially when heightened emotions are involved.

So I've done something a little different to explore the different ideas that support healthy relationships. As I often do, I put a question out to the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: what’s the key to a happy relationship?

I took a sampling of the nearly 200 responses and grouped them into 7 tips. For each one, I listed a few simple ways to apply those ideas right now. If you’re not currently in a romantic relationship, a lot of these can still apply to the other relationships in your life.

7 Important Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

1. Practice self love first.

It seems like you can only have happy relationships if you can be happy with or without them. ~Erika Gonzalez

Know that it is not the other person’s job to make you happy. The only person who can do that is you! ~Christi Emmons

The ultimate kicker: be honest with yourself about who you are. ~Kelly Bell

Know that you can be yourself and still be accepted. The best relationship is when you bring out the best in each other, and you are purely content when neither has anything to say. ~Stephanie Schwenning

Take it off the page:

• Make a list or mental note of all the things to appreciate about you. Realize everyone has flaws, and there’s a lot more right with you than wrong with you.
• Work on forgiving yourself. The past is the past and you deserve to put it behind you, but no one else can let it go for you.
• Be good to yourself today. Practice yoga, meditate, or take a walk.

2. Focus on compatibility.

Be best friends first. ~Wendy Nicholson

Have an incredible “like” for each other. ~Diane Bateman

Have shared (or at least compatible) values and communication. Everything else can be forgiven, accepted, or put aside, however values are the root of how we relate to all beings. ~Frank Ra

Find the person who inspires you to be a better you, and always encourage them to become the best them. ~Corinne Morrill

Take it off the page:

• If you’re single, do something social that you love. You’re more likely to meet compatible people if you get out there and foster your  interests.
• If you’re in a relationship, spend some time sharing something you both enjoy. My boyfriend and I met at karaoke, so singing together is a great way to connect.
• If you’re in a relationship with someone and it always feels like hard work, ask yourself: are you trying to jam a square peg into a round hole? It can be scary to walk away from the wrong person, but it’s the only possibility of meeting someone who will feel right.

3. Practice acceptance.

Accept that not everyone or everything is perfect. We are all perfectly flawed. ~Simon Kirk

Be non-demanding of your partner—partners don’t tell each other what to do. ~John Bigl

Mutual adoration and acceptance of the differences that make each of you individuals are keys to a phenomenal relationship. ~Casey Kimes

Happiness is a choice, as are all things in life. I choose to see and feel grateful for all of the best qualities in my partner, rather than focusing on shortcomings. ~Emily Roberts

Take it off the page:

• If you feel yourself focusing on everything someone appears to be doing wrong, ask yourself if there’s something else upsetting you. It’s easier to blame other people than it is to look in ourselves, but oftentimes that’s where the problem is.
• If you feel like changing something about someone else today, ask yourself what change you can make in yourself instead. If you feel unappreciated, show appreciation. It’s more empowering and productive to show people how to treat us than to complain about what’s lacking.
• If there’s something you just can’t accept, ask yourself if you’re willing to walk away because of it. We can’t change other people, but we can change our relationship to them.

4. Have realistic expectations.

Don’t expect it to be happy all the time. ~Stephanie Goddard

Don’t sweat the small things and speak up when it really is important to you. ~Elizabeth Sadhu

Remember that it isn't always happy, but get through those not so happy moments together or apart, whichever is needed. ~Jessica Duff

Keep realistic standards for each other. ~Ashna Singh

Take it off the page:

• Eliminate the word should today—how a relationship should work, how people should act if they love you.
• Notice when you’re projecting something onto the other person that has nothing to do with them, like a fear from a past relationship. Then make an effort to let it go.
• Recognize when you’re looking for that person to do something for you that you need to do for yourself, like make you feel lovable or take care of your needs. Then release those expectations and do it for yourself.

5. Be kind in words and deeds.

Think about the person’s feelings before you speak or criticize them. ~Dana Brewer Covey

Have a fast ear and a slow tongue. ~Mark Ward

Have compassion and grow together, not apart, as the years go on. ~Krista Tverdak

Love must be bigger and stronger than anything else. Never keep any record of your partner’s mistakes and faults and be ready to forgive. ~Mel Escobar

Take it off the page:

• Make an effort to really listen—not just wait to talk.
• See the other person as if for the first time. It’s all too easy to take someone for granted. Really notice all the wonderful things they do, and let them know what you see.
• If you get frustrated with each other, ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I’ve cooled down?”

6. Be honest.

Talk about things that leave you vulnerable from the heart. ~Cheryl Floyed

Compromise and dream together. ~ Becca Stinson

From my grandparents, who have been happily married for 60 years: the three C’s: caring, communication, and compromise. ~Emily Larsen

Don’t sweat the small stuff, and if something really is bothering you talk about it in a calm controlled manner. Leave drama in the theaters and movies. ~Ben Reyna

Take it off the page:

• Open up about something that you've been keeping to yourself. It doesn’t have to be big and dramatic. People can only be there for us if we let them.
• If something’s on your mind, express it without implying the other person is responsible for your feelings.

7. Remember to act.

When you’re bored, do something about it. ~Ernie Somers

Adjust to change. Adjust to moods, lifestyle changes, and new additions, and always remember to love. ~Elysia Cordero

The rest comes and goes as we change and grow and struggle, but being able to laugh together brings you back together. ~Kerry Kokkinogenis

Have rich individual pursuits and pursue things together. ~Laura Texera

Take it off the page:

• If you haven’t in a while, take time to do your own thing today—completely on your own or with friends.
• Take time to laugh together, whether it’s watching funny YouTube videos or trying something new together.
• If you feel dissatisfied with your life, don’t assume it’s your relationship. What other adjustments could you make to feel happier with your place in the world? Maybe you need to take a small step toward a hobby or more fulfilling job.

And lastly…

Start over again and again. ~Miguel Angel Carrillo Infante

It’s a new day–a new chance to practice giving and receiving love.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-vital-choices-for-happy-relationships/