10 Things You Might Do That Will Make A Bad First Impression On Someone

Whether you’re going on a first date, heading to a job interview, meeting your partner’s parents or even just meeting your BFF’s friends, one things for sure: you probably want to make a good first impression. 

First impressions are obviously important because most people will judge you based on how you were when they first met you. They’re especially important when you’re doing something like an interview, where you really only have one chance to win someone over. But the pressure of making a good first impression can be a lot to handle, and so a lot of us end up making mistakes.

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m pretty bad a first impressions. It’s probably because I’m quiet and generally awkward, and I never really know how to act around new people I don’t quite feel comfortable with yet. I’m sure a lot of you are in the same boat. If you’re like me, here are 10 things you’re probably doing that are making a bad first impression – you might not even realize it’s happening!

Crossing Your Arms Over Your Chest

A very smart guy I dated a while ago once gave me a piece of advice I will never forget. I'm a shy girl, and I have a bad habit of standing in a public place with my arms crossed over my chest - it makes me feel safe. But one day we were out, and he pulled me aside, and said, "Why are your arms like that?" I had no idea what he meant, and he said, "Never stand with your arms crossed. It makes you look unapproachable, and you're not unapproachable! It makes people feel weird about getting to know you because it seems like you don't want to get to know anyone." I was a little taken aback, but I knew he was right. Body language is really important. Standing with your arms tightly crossed over your chest makes you look closed off - and when making a first impression, you want to look open and friendly.

Staring At Your Phone The Whole Time

It's rude to sit there and stare at your phone in any kind of social situation, but it's especially rude when you're in a situation where you're first meeting someone and trying to make a good first impression. If you're giggling at text messages or scrolling through Instagram, you look like you have zero interest in that person and what you're supposed to be doing. You look like you would rather be anywhere else. Even if you are listening, it seems like you're not. Put the phone down and focus your attention on the person, or people, in front of you. They'll be flattered that you seem interested, and that makes them like you.

Acting Fake and Trying Too Hard

Don't act like someone you're not to try to impress anyone. People can sense when you're trying too hard (even if you think you're being slick), and no one likes it or appreciates it. Be yourself! It's more genuine, and people can also sense when you're being genuine - and everyone likes that. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, then whatever, who cares.

Looking Like You Just Rolled Out Of Bed

As much as I'd like to say appearance doesn't matter, the fact is is that it does. People will judge you based on what you look like, and if this is someone you're really trying to impress, you should try to look presentable for them. It shows that you respect them and their time, and it also shows that you respect yourself enough to put a little time into your appearance. This doesn't mean you should dress up like someone you're not. Stay true to your personal style, but wear something a little special. Basically, stay away from sweatpants. Spritz yourself with a little perfume. Brush your teeth. Fix your hair. Easy stuff like that.

Making Inappropriate or Rude Jokes

When you meet someone for the first time, you have no idea what's going on in their life. You don't know what makes them angry, you don't know what is a trigger for them, and you don't know what kind of tough stuff they have to deal with. So it's best to steer clear of anything that could come off as offensive or inappropriate. Be polite. Don't make rude jokes that might portray you in the wrong way. Try not to be ignorant.

Not Making Eye Contact

Numerous studies have shown that making eye contact is super important when trying to make a good first impression. So, obviously, if you don't make eye contact, you're not going to make a good first impression. This one is really hard for me because I think eye contact is so awkward with anyone other than my boyfriend. But I just force myself to do it. It gives off an air of confidence and makes it seem like you're interested in getting to know this person. You shouldn't sit there staring into their eyes throughout the entire meeting - that's weird. I try to hold eye contact for about 30 seconds, let my eyes flit around the room, then go back to eye contact.

Not Smiling

Studies also always show that smiling makes for a good first impression. I mean, who thinks great things about someone they barely know who just stood there looking miserable? Not many people. You don't have to stand there with a huge grin on your face the entire time, but smile when you make introductions, and when it's appropriate throughout the conversation. Also, keep your face generally pleasant even when you're not grinning. Try to avoid bitchy resting face, something I struggle with.

Invading Someone's Personal Space

Personal space is important to some people, not so important to others. But you don't know what this person's deal is, so until you do, respect their personal space. I'm kind of okay with a stranger hugging me hello or goodbye, but a lot of people aren't. Just be polite without being too handsy.








http://www.gurl.com/2014/04/22/things-you-might-do-that-will-make-a-bad-first-impression/#8

How to Stay Happy when You’re Single

Spring is a happy season. There’s a little more sunshine, a little less darkness and the flowers are on their way out. In fact, March 20th was even declared International Happiness Day (did you feel it?).

But despite spring springing all around us, it’s not always easy to keep a smile on your face when you’re single. Whether you’re worried about finding The One or just fed up of everyone asking if you’re still single, we’ve put together a list of ways to stay happy when you’re flying solo.

Remember What’s Real

First thing to do is to remember that books, movies and TV shows – they’re all fiction. That means that dashes to airports or physically bumping into a supermodel at the supermarket is unlikely to happen in real life – for one, can you imagine trying to find someone in the chaos of Heathrow? Quite often romances are written by people, just like you, fantasising about what the perfect man would say, or how the perfect woman would look.

Do You

Being single is the one time you can really do whatever you want. And we mean whatever. If you want to spend the weekend on the sofa watching a box set or spend five hours in the bath, you can. You won’t be single forever and it all changes when you’re in a relationship – although you’ll be happy to make the compromise, you’ll be even happier to know you took advantage of your own time when you could.

Be Serious About It

Be happy! Yes, it’s a classic example of easier said than done, but it is important to take your happiness into your own hands. We often forget it’s something we have power over, but we really do. A good place to start is by asking yourself what you would need to be happy – teleportation, EuroMillions and Brad Pitt not included. Often once you’ve identified which areas need focusing on, there’s some quick things you can do to make an instant improvement.

Take Positive Steps

Finding someone special can feel like an impossible task. And without trawling the bar scene, flirting with all of your colleagues or sticking an ‘I’m single’ badge on yourself, there aren’t many ways to get active about looking for a new boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s the best thing about internet dating, it’s a discreet and seriously effective way to find someone new. Even better, everyone is doing it, so you’ll have plenty of choice and none of the taboo – in fact, you’ll be one of 15 million in the UK looking for love online.

And Smile 

It sounds pretty crazy, but it’s the fastest way to make yourself feel better. Plaster a smile on your face and before long you’ll forget it was forced. Plus, it’s proven, there’s nothing more attractive than a big smile.

Ready to take a positive step towards the right relationship? Get the ball rolling and sign up to eHarmony now.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2014/04/how-to-stay-happy-when-youre-single#.U0FJq_ldXIM

DIY Soulmate: Design Him Yourself!

If you know what you are looking for, the task of finding your soul mate will be much easier and the journey will accelerate. Love is like a puzzle, so you seek a partner who provides a snug fit, not an identical copy of you. The more you both share as you discover each other, the greater your joy will be. You are looking for a partner and a friend. The physics of attraction are universal. If you focus on bringing something or someone into your life, you will attract him.

This guide will help you paint a portrait, to define the attributes and qualities of your ideal soulmate. This exercise is a breeze: it's all about you! Most fascinating, you will be surprised at what you will learn about yourself.

A deeply felt relationship will grow more beautiful and substantial over the course of your lifetime. Your team of two will face, overcome and survive the challenges life presents. Use your wish list wisely. When you can answer, "What will I bring to the table?" you can define the best person to call your partner.

This exercise must be an open and honest conversation with yourself. It cannot be done in a hurry. Spend as much time as it takes to flesh out the desired attributes of your partner. Make your list on paper. Hand write it, make it as long as you want and get specific. Focus. Take a break and come back to see your list in a different light. Do some of your requirements strike you as shallow or leftover from an old you? Discard them.

Above all, make sure you haven't forgotten a single thing on your list. Once you have envisioned the whole character of your soulmate, your wish list will offer an interesting reflection of you. Keep it on your altar or burn it on the beach in a ceremony. You will know the right way for you to offer your request to the Universe.

Here are a few questions to help guide your exploration of your soulmate list:

WORK

Does your soulmate work? Is he dependable? How does he value his work? Will he be a good provider? The importance that a man places on his employment often reflects his dependability. As you raise a family, how committed will he be?


LEISURE

How does he spend his free time hours? How do you? Is he project based, fixing this and maintaining that? Does he hunger for creative expression or for adventure and travel? Is he more of a homebody or a couch potato? Is he dependent on you for fun or does he have his own interests? How a man spends his leisure time is often an indicator of his potential performance as a father.


DRIVE

What is his general disposition? What is yours? Is he a go-getter? Is he reserved and cautious? Does he look before he leaps? Is he a sprinter or a long distance runner?


COMMITMENT

Does he keep his word? Does he follow through and do what he says he is going to do? Does he complete a project?


POSESSIONS

What does your mate own? What does he cherish? What is most important to him? How a man cares for his possessions is often an indicator of his potential as a provider. Does he keep his belongings in good condition?


HEALTH

How does your mate regard his body? How does he treat his temple? Is he hoping to be around awhile? And is he doing what it takes?


SELF-ESTEEM

How do you feel about yourself? How will your mate feel about himself? In life, we all go through ups and downs, at various times. In general, what is his outlook on life? Sunny or gloomy? What does he respect?


SPIRITUALITY

What is your spiritual core? How do you honor Life? How should he? It may be very important to you to find a man with the same religion. A deep spiritual sense, of another belief, may be just as good.


CHALLENGES & VICTORY

How does your man face uncertainty? When times are tough, how does he react? Fear is a normal and everyday part of life. Insecurity is nothing to be embarrassed about. Conversely, how does he win? With grace and humility? Or does he strut and gloat? Victory and defeat are fascinating aspects of a person's character.


FUN

How does he define fun? Does he laugh? What type of humor makes him laugh loudest? And you? Do you prefer a partner who brings a healthy dose of sarcasm? Is his humor clean or dirty? Is it offered in kindness or out of spite?


TRADITIONS

You can learn much from one's respect and understanding of tradition. Are family or religious customs important? Does he hold dearly certain practices that are handed down over time?


YOUR SOULMATE WISHLIST

Realistically, you may not find a bull's-eye, a man who meets every one of your requirements. Aim for a majority, not perfection. When you honor your list and refuse to settle, you may wait longer, but you will be happier in the long run. Don't give in to loneliness and choose the wrong mate.
Your list is a road map that leads you in the right direction. It will help you manifest and conjure. Finding a soulmate is an exercise in compatibility. As co-captains in Life, you will sail your ship over calm and stormy seas. Do you work well together? Yes! You are soulmates!

The ‘Must Haves’ List That Every Single Girl Needs

Mr. Right might be right under your nose.

I like to have my clients make a list of the 50 qualities they want in a future husband or life partner. From there, they identify which qualities are “non-negotiable”, or the qualities they absolutely must have in a man. This exercise helps them get the deal-breakers on paper, to refer to and use on their search for Mr. Right.

This list isn’t a new idea — but it’s one that works. A counselor asked me to make a similar list 20 years ago when I was single and looking for love. There’s a reason she asked me to do this, but it wasn’t why I thought. As it turned out, what I wrote on my list revealed more about me than it did the man I thought I wanted.

How so? Writing down the 50 qualities you want in a man is heady stuff. It starts you daydreaming about how good it will feel when you meet your ideal partner. You start imagining the wonderful life you’ll share as a couple. He suddenly begins to feel real.

But there’s a catch. And what was true for me then could be true for you now: This man is off your radar. You wouldn’t recognize him if you bumped into him. You might work with him or he could live next door, it doesn’t matter; he’d be a blur to you. Why? Because when it comes to choosing men, we tend to choose what’s familiar, what we know. It’s like we have blinders on.

So, unless you’ve cultivated the qualities you’re looking for in a man in yourself, you won’t be able to recognize a man who has them. He’ll walk right by you and you won’t even see him.

Let me give you an example of why this happens. I’ll use a non-negotiable quality most women put on their list: honesty. Naturally, you want a man who’s honest, a man who’s going to tell you the truth about himself and his feelings. Yet, how many times have we not spoken up to tell a man when something isn’t working for us? How many of us have avoided asking a man about the future of a relationship? Or been too scared to ask him about his intentions before giving our hearts away? How many of us have put up with bad behavior hoping it would change without us having to say anything? If we haven’t developed this level of honesty ourselves, we’ll attract a man at our level. We won’t recognize when he’s being less than truthful because we are so used to being that way ourselves. We need to cultivate honesty in ourselves before we can require it of our man.

Another non-negotiable quality women put on their list is: emotionally available. We want a man who can share what he’s feeling and be vulnerable enough to open his heart to us. But it’s not easy being vulnerable if we’ve been hurt. Many of us act like the walking wounded and find ourselves on the defensive in love. We protect our hearts by being overly cautious, and brace ourselves for the hurt we think is coming. We don’t express our fears and insecurities, and we hide behind a wall of phony confidence. We hide our emotions and don’t let a man in.

Once again, if we don’t take some risks by being emotionally available, we’ll attract a man at our level. If we are protecting our feelings, we’ll pick a man who’s doing the same.

Sometimes, we have too much of the qualities we want. For example, we write on our list that he must be attentive to our needs. We want a man who’s considerate of our feelings and desires. But many of us, myself included, can be overly concerned about what we believe a man needs — and end up over-delivering at our own expense. Being the nurturers we are, we can give a man much more than he is giving us, and end up single and alone.

We can use our list of non-negotiables to change ourselves for the better. Any of the qualities you identify for yourself, even the three I’ve mentioned here, can be cultivated without a man in your life. Practice them with your family, your friends, and even at work. The more you improve on the non-negotiable qualities you lack or overdo, the better a woman you’ll be… and the better man you’ll choose.

Now, the next time you find yourself bumping into Mr. Right you’ll recognize him — and be prepared to give him a big, beautiful smile.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/dating/2014/01/the-must-haves-list-that-every-single-girl-needs#.UvDy8fl_vnc

How To Stop Thinking You’ll Be Alone Forever

 Forever is an incredibly long time. I think, apart from our own company – nothing in our lives really lasts forever. But when we’re looking for a partner and not succeeding, and we feel we’ve been single for way too long (Months? Years? – definition of “a long time” can be very subjective), that horrible thought almost inevitably creeps in: ‘Will I ever find someone? What if I stay alone forever?’

I could bet you right here right now for any amount – you won’t stay single forever, unless you really want to. And if you could step away from the fear, you would know, deep down – it’s very unlikely you’ll stay alone for the next 10 or 60 years of your life. Maybe a few max. Two or three. If you are actively looking, it will very rarely be much longer.

I know it’s hard to listen to the voice of reason when emotions are shouting louder. And that’s fine. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there – there were periods of my singleness which – of course – never lasted longer than those few years, but there and then they sure seemed like they will go just go on and on… forever. Desperation takes over easily when you feel you’re trying so hard and nothing is happening.

I can’t tell you when you’ll meet your next long-term partner – but I can give you a few tips to manage that fear better. I do believe it’s the anxiety of not knowing “how long” that creates most of the singleness-misery, not the actual wait itself. If you knew the exact date in the future when you’ll meet your match, you’d probably feel pretty OK about your life right now. Am I right?

But since neither of us knows that, let’s see what else we can do… while we’re waiting.

Step one – change your thoughts: do a reality check. What grounds you have to believe you will stay single? Think about your life 5 or 10 years back. All the big things that happened in that period. Were you single all the time? Most likely no. Most likely A LOT happened in your life in 2 years, let alone 10. Jobs, schools, places, friends, partners – all change. Even faster than we sometimes want them to. So if all those things happened then, why wouldn’t they happen in the next 10 years of your life? Where’s the proof that everything will stay as is? I dare you find one.

Another reality check: if you see a lot of people around you settling down, that doesn’t mean everyone but you is hooking up, you are just noticing those people more. Try looking for single people instead – in real life, in media, anywhere you can spot them. Count them against the ones who are not. Do that for at least few weeks, or until you have enough evidence that the world is not comprised only of couples. Especially not happy couples. Yes, people in couples are not necessarily happier than you either. (But that’s a whole other topic… for another post.)

Step two – change your life: put the rest of your life under control, as much as you can. That will make you feel less hopeless and helpless. If you get what you want in other areas of life, you will feel more confident you can do it in your love life as well.

Focus on doing more things you love and enjoy. If you are unhappy in your job – look for one that will make you feel better. If you want to lose some extra weight – go ahead, make a plan and lose it. If you are passionate about any sports/art/craft/music/hobby – do it. Take classes. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your life. Make your single days count.

The more you feel you are in control of your life – the happier you feel, the better you look, the more you smile, the more fun you have. More moments of genuine bliss. Less time to pity yourself for being single. And you’re not putting your life on hold while he or she arrives.

As you do that, you’ll start attracting a much more interesting bunch of people in your life. And yes, that includes potential partners too. People get drawn to your energy, liveliness, your confidence, your spark. When you feel you are in the right place, and you believe love can happen for you: the right partner will come, without a doubt.

LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS

Are you afraid you’ll stay single? Please share why you think this way. Thank you!

http://petralovecoach.com/2013/05/28/how-to-stop-thinking-youll-be-alone-forever/

Five Big Online Dating Profile Mistakes Made by Women over 40

Is your profile withering away online? Is it attracting the interest of couch potatoes, the chronically ill or the guys just looking for a little action? If so, you are likely making at least one of the mistakes commonly made by women over 40 who are using online dating as their new discos. (Really…where do you meet men these days?)

Unfortunately, all it takes is one major profile mistake to potentially sabotage any chance of finding love — or even a few good dates. Because, let’s face it, the odds are not in our favor, ladies. As we get older the man-to-woman ratio moves more and more lopsided. Some statistics show that for every man over 50, there are up to 5 women; over 60, ten women, and so on. Ugh! The days of sitting back and waiting for anything incoming are over. If you want to be noticed and rise to the top, it pays to create the best possible profile and keep it polished and shiny. Because if it doesn’t catch his interest right away, it only takes a single click for him to find one that does.

The good news is that unlike a lot of things in life, your profile is easy to change and update. And once you know how it is inadvertently turning off the men who are looking for a positive, fun connection, it’s really not that difficult. Here are the top five profile mistakes common to women over 40, along with specific tips to make your profile more appealing and reflective of the best you.

1) It’s a shopping list. Your profile is your calling card, not a wish list. Once you’ve hit your 40s and beyond, you kind of know what works for you and what doesn’t. Many women use their profile as a list of their likes and dislikes. That can be a turn-off. The purpose of your profile is to market you. If you do a good job describing yourself and painting a picture of what it feels like to be in a relationship with you, it will attract the right men and repel the wrong ones. So focus more on what you have to offer, and less on what they can do for you. I guarantee you’ll see the immediate payoff in the quality of men you attract.

2) It’s too needy. Here are some statements I see every day in women’s profiles: “I’ve waited so long for the right relationship and I hope it’s finally my time.” “I’m ready to be his everything.” “I’m looking for a relationship where we are totally devoted to each other.” While some of this may be true for you, it’s not something to put in a profile. The man reads this as you having incredibly high expectations and reliance on your relationship for your happiness. Remember, he doesn’t even know you. If you wouldn’t say it on your first date, don’t write it in your profile.

3) It’s not needy enough. Women in their 40s, 50s and beyond are particularly guilty of this. After all, you’ve probably accomplished a lot in your life without a man and are prepared to continue doing so. Be careful not to sound like there is no room in your life for a relationship. It often goes something like this: “I spend my days as a busy lawyer and my evenings teaching courses at the local college. Many weekends are spent training for my next marathon and singing in my church choir.” Whew!  You can go on to say that you look forward to a relationship, but really…where can a man possibly see time for himself in that picture? Also, avoid these statements: “I don’t need a man, but it would be nice to have one in my life.” Or, “I’ve been fine all these years without a man but I’ll make room for the right one .” Men, just like women, don’t want to feel like an accessory in someone else’s life. They especially need to feel needed and like an important contributor to your life. If you make it sound like you can take it or leave it, they are likely to help you leave it.

4) It’s too boring. “I love spending time with my friends, volunteering and reading novels.” When a man reads this his eyes glaze over and he moves on to the next profile. It’s too generic, common and, frankly says nothing about you that’s interesting. Instead, be more specific and paint a picture for him. Such as, “A great evening for me is trying out the newest ethnic food restaurant with a few good friends and disagreeing about the controversial exhibit at the art museum.” Or, “Sunday mornings you’ll find me at the SPCA walking dogs and then off to my favorite breakfast joint for their fresh brewed coffee and chile relleno. I like mine extra spicy.” (Okay, doesn’t hurt to flirt a little.)

5) You sound like a Debbie Downer. Does your profile sound like someone who likes to have a good time? Don’t be negative or too serious. “I’ve tried online dating before and it didn’t work, but I’m trying it again.” Or “I’ve had a lot of challenges and hardships over the last 20 years and now I’m ready for a change.” Or “I’ve devoted my life to my children and caring for my elderly parents…now it’s my turn.” Again, this all may be true, but it’s important to let your prospective match know that spending time with you will be enjoyable…otherwise why would they want to contact you? When was the last time you read a man’s profile and thought “Wow, he sounds like he really needs me to cheer him up…I definitely want to meet him!” Spend your initial time letting him know how you relax and enjoy yourself and how being with you will add positively to both of your lives. You can roll out the “heavy” information as you get to know each other.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/five-big-online-dating-profile-mistakes-made-by-women-over-40/#.UqufEfRdXnc

7 Signs You're Acting Like a Crazy Girl

The first thing every girl should know about a guy is that they are born to hunt and that they can sense when a girl is acting crazy. Boys love to chase and accomplish things, especially women. When we stop playing hard to get, and start acting like a needy child, boys lose all interest in us! That's why when a girl is acting crazy, most guys will just take off.  So ladies, do you know when a girl is acting crazy?  Or when you are acting crazy?   Heres a list of the top 8 signs to tell if you've lost your cool, and gained some crazy!

   1.CONSTANTLY CALLING AND TEXTING A GUY

Having to text a guy first, shame on him, having to text a guy four times, shame on you. Ladies, when you text a guy four times in a row and he hasn't texted you back, this is absolutely one of the signs that you're acting crazy!   A lot of guys are unsure if you are into them or not so It's a way to let him know you're approachable, but having to text him more times then that just screams needy. If he isn't making the effort to contact you first, or even respond to you at all, he's most likely not interested or scared of you.

2. ASKING EVERY PERSON IF "HE'S INTO YOU"

Yes, we all love to tell stories of that cute boy we hung out with or are talking to. What else are girlfriends for? But constantly having to ask other peoples opinion if he's into you should show you a sign that you're acting crazy. When someone is into us we know it. Having to tell the same story over twenty times to people makes you look a little nuts. Girls, if he is into you, you'll know it, no need to keep asking!  This is totally one of the things girls do when they are a little nutty!

3. PHYSICAL AND CYBER STALKING

There is a difference between checking out your crush online, and spending 2 hours learning everything about him before getting to know him in person. One of the signs a girl is acting crazy is stalking him on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr -- all night long!  With all of the different ways to see where your crush is hanging out, it's easy to stalk him, but that can be a little creepy on his part.  Just play it cool ladies!

4. ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR HIM

Another sign a girl is crazy is that she is constantly available to him, whenever he asks to do anything.  Make your crush wait a bit before you answer the phone, try a different day if he asks you out.  You don't want him to think that your schedule is constantly clear!

5. EMOTIONALLY INVESTED TOO SOON

Oh ladies, this is absolutely one of the biggest signs a girl is crazy when they instantly become in love with any guy that shows them attention.  Keep yourself a little more guarded, a little more reserved and don't become emotionally invested right away and it'll be better in the long run ladies!

6. PERSONALITY CHANGE

When you're dating a guy, you never want to morph into someone completely different.  Ladies, he likes you for a reason, why would you need to change?  Just because he likes cars and trucks, doesn't mean you have to too!  Have your own likes, dislikes and opinions!

7. CHECKING YOUR PHONE EVERY FIVE SECONDS

Oh the phone, I actually do this a lot now and I've been in a relationship for a while!  Checking your phone constantly see if he has called or texted is another sign a girl is acting crazy.  Just calm down, no need to constantly check your phone!

We all know what its like to have those crazy butterflies that make you think, dream, and breathe only about that crush you have. If you're going to act like a crazy girl the best way to do it is in hiding because of course there is a little crazy in all of us. Remember to play it cool, stick to being yourself, and remember you're more then enough for any guy. What other ways have you found yourself acting a little nuts?

http://love.allwomenstalk.com/signs-youre-acting-like-a-crazy-girl/7/

The Relationship Repeater: How to Stop Seeking Out the Wrong Partners

Everyone has had a relationship that doesn’t work out, but not everyone repeatedly starts and ends relationships that so closely resemble the last one that failed.

What separates people who have good relationships from people who have bad ones? The degree of repetition and frustration. If you’re someone who keeps feeling frustrated that you’re not meeting The One, you might be what I call a “Relationship Repeater.” Simply put, a Relationship Repeater is someone who is stuck in a rut, making the same type of bad relationship decisions over and over.

Men and women who get stuck in this way aren’t crazy – just rigid and too set in their ways for their own good. They keep repeating the same mistakes because they have been unable to glean emotional lessons from their past relationships and learn from them. Healthy lovers, on the other hand, try to avoid what didn’t work the last time.

So, are you a Relationship Repeater? Ask yourself if you meet any of the following criteria:

•  You find yourself attracted to partners who don’t meet your emotional needs.

•  You find yourself attracted to the same characteristics that ultimately made you unhappy in the last relationship.

•  Your friends and family tell you that you prioritize the wrong characteristics in potential partners.

•  You struggle to find a partner who truly understands or ‘gets’ you.

•   You feel like you lack the ability to detect warning signs early, or you notice them but try to deny them or make excuses for them.

How to Get Un-Stuck:

If you’ve been unlucky in love so far, don’t worry: The truth is that you have complete control over your romantic future. Aren’t you tired of saying goodbye? Don’t you get sick of starting over with someone new? Follow the tips below and your future will thank you for it!

1. When dating someone new, keep the frequency of dates to a minimum, at least for a while.

There are so many rules about dating. There are rules about the rules, and rules about what happens if you don’t follow the rules. Well, here’s one rule I insist on: When you find someone you like, don’t see him or her too much in the beginning. If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships and you start seeing someone new too frequently and too intensely, I’m sorry to tell you that you are probably going to mess things up. It’s not your fault, but odds are that you will revert to your old, familiar behavior. The key is to slow things down so that you don’t blindly – or impulsively – make the same mistakes over and over again.

2. Gain insight into your problem and practice the art of detaching.

It’s normal to attach to someone you know and trust; it’s also normal to detach when someone hurts you and has shown a pattern of hurting you. The problem with men and women who are stuck seeking out the wrong partners is that once they attach to someone, they have a hard time detaching later when the relationship has stopped working. In other words, once they get attached to someone, they get stuck and cannot disengage or pull themselves apart – even if they’re unhappy.

You might wonder why people wouldn’t want to detach if they’re unhappy, but the sad truth is that having bad relationships is par for the course for Relationship Repeaters. In fact, most Relationship Repeaters came from families where there was significant chaos, addiction, or a painful separation (e.g., having an absent parent).

Relationship Repeaters don’t want to end their romantic relationships – even if they’re bad – because they’re sick of separations and they crave consistency, which they often haven’t had in their lives previously. If you have a problem detaching once you have already attached, you need to start engaging in behaviors that give you a greater sense of independence and inner peacefulness. Start on this course by going to the movies on your own or staying at home on an evening night when you would normally go out and socialize with others.

3. Talk to your primary care physician about obsessive-compulsive symptoms.

Men and women who have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder have a much more difficult time than others in having romantic relationships, as they tend to get stuck obsessing about things both big and small. Abbey and colleagues (2007), for example, found that the more severe one’s obsessions were, the more dissatisfied and less intimate the individuals’ romantic relationships were. It makes sense, too, if you think about it!

The vast majority of readers don’t have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but if you keep getting stuck repeating bad relationship patterns, you may have one or more obsessive-compulsive traits. Talk to your physician about whether you might have some of these symptoms, and whether these symptoms may negatively impact your approach to romantic relationships. If you do happen to have some obsessive-compulsive symptoms, there are lots of ways to reduce the severity so that you can function well in all parts of your life: medication therapy, talk therapy, or even spiritual or religious guidance from a professional who can help you meet your life goals.

4. Read a good book about how to stop repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

I’m a psychologist so I make referrals for psychotherapy in my sleep. I love therapy and think it is one of the most helpful things a person can do in his or her life, but I don’t underestimate the power of a good book in helping people change. I wrote an entire book on how to stop repeating toxic relationship patterns, which is called Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. You might find another book helpful, as well, which is called Obsessive Love, by my friend and colleague, Susan Forward.

You know what the worst consequence is when you keep seeking out the wrong partners again and again? You stop trusting yourself and your instincts, and you become haunted by a tiny voice in the back of your head that tells you that you’re programmed to fail in love. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, lock the doors and block out that voice. No one was put here on Earth to suffer repeatedly in relationships. We must learn from our mistakes and do better the next time. The final takeaway? Stop chasing, surrender, and let yourself have a consistently good relationship for a change.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/the-relationship-repeater-how-to-stop-seeking-out-the-wrong-partners/#.UgzbkZK1Hnc

12 Relationship Truths I Wish I Knew 12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago I was eighteen and just entering college.  Since then, friends and acquaintances have come and gone, girlfriends have come and gone, and I met the love of my life, Angel.  I’ve found through my years – through my experience with my own personal relationships – that there are certain undeniable truths that affect the quality and longevity of our relationships, and the resulting impact they have on us.  I share them with you today in hopes that they save you from a little heartache and confusion.

1. You have to love yourself first. – In order to truly have a loving, supportive, and long-lasting relationship with someone else, you need to learn how to be your own best friend first.  It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.  
2. You get what you put in. – In twelve years, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, which car you drove, and maybe not even your full name.  But in twelve years, they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them.  The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you.
3. What most people think of you doesn’t matter. – You wouldn’t worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew just how seldom they do.  No one is ever going to care about your life and the way you choose to live it more than you will.  That is a beautiful thing – never forget how beautiful.  Follow your heart, and take your brain with you every step of the way.  Get to know your true self.  When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit.
4. Friends and family won’t always support your goals, but you must pursue them anyway. – Follow your intuition.  Following your intuition means doing what feels right, even if it doesn’t look or sound right to others.  Only time will tell, but our human instincts are rarely ever wrong.  So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks; keep living and speaking your truth.  The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.  
5. Life doesn’t always change as fast as people do. – Learn to accept that not everyone is who you once knew.  And realize that sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the feeling you had when you were with them.
6. Some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life. – If you’re having a tough time letting go of someone who left you, realize that if they wanted to stay they would still be there.  Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next.  It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still hoping for the impossible to happen.  Yes, it will hurt for awhile, but you have to forget about the person who forgot about you, and move on.
7. Everyone has baggage, just like you. – The minute someone decides to walk out of your life, that is the same moment in which the opportunity and space opens up for someone who actually deserves your love to finally walk in.  Remember, everyone has baggage, so don’t be ashamed of yours.  Be patient and find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
8. Love doesn’t hurt.  Love is not the problem. – Don’t blame love if a failed relationship interfered with your other important relationships, or robbed you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it wasn’t love that stole from you.  It was possession.  It was obsession.  It was manipulation.  It was confusion.  Love had nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.  It opens it wide to let more goodness in.  Love creates freedom and abundance. 
9. Forgiveness is always the right choice. – Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with strong character to forgive.  When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK; and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.
10. Love requires three things: acceptance, honesty, and commitment. – Love comes when you care more about who the other person really is, rather than about who you think they should become.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and vulnerable over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.  Remember, the most romantic love story is not Romeo and Juliet who died young together; it’s the story of grandma and grandpa who helped each other through life, and grew old together.
11. A big part of who you become is who you choose to surround yourself with. – Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.  Surround yourself with people who make you a better person, and let go of those who don’t.
12. A soul mate is a person who brings out the best in you. – They are far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Remember, every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/10/08/12-relationship-truths-i-wish-i-knew/

Change Your Mindset to Find True Love

Your mindset is everything when it comes to helping you find love. I’m not just talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love, overall. Love is a state of mind that either is or isn’t something you cultivate.

Wikipedia defines mindset as:

A set of assumptions, methods or notations held by one or more people, that creates a powerful incentive within these people or groups to continue to adopt or accept prior behaviors, choices, or tools.

Your mindset is how you approach the world. If you let it run wild, it will compel you to make the same choices over and over again. No one is exempt from having a mindset. We all have one. It’s like a filter through which you perceive your reality.

Your mindset, like a bad habit, has a shadow side. The shadow is devious and makes it tough for us to see that we have any particular mindset at all. It tricks us into believing that ”it’s just the way we think.” No big deal.

If you’re having trouble in your romantic life, it’s time to see if your mindset needs an adjustment. If you think your mindset might be causing problems, you have the power to change it. Like breaking any habit, it demands a great amount of effort and determination.

1. Have you created the right environment to attract love?

Answer the following three questions to see if your mindset is on the right track to finding love:

How you set up your life and personal space will tell you a lot. If you don’t pay attention to how you’re living and what you come home to at night, you aren’t “setting the stage” for the love you want.

Surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Make it a priority to always be around things that you consider beautiful. Your bedroom should be restful and inviting. Your home space should be free of clutter. Changing your home environment will change your energy and create a new mindset towards love.

2. Are you surrounding yourself with people who support you?

If you’re not seeking out positive, supportive people in your life, you will feel overwhelmed. None of us can do it alone. Regardless of how strong you think you are, we all need outside input and camaraderie to remind us that we are valuable and special people.

If you spend time with friends who love to gossip and complain, this negativity will rub off on you. These kinds of interactions support a mindset of being a victim to outside circumstances. You must find people who have a positive outlook on life and love. Surround yourself with people who see you as the wonderful person you are.

3. Do you take courageous action on your own behalf?

As women, we were not really taught the value of courage. Courage was something reserved for boys. But, being fully committed to loving someone and being vulnerable (which true love requires) demands that you have courage.

It’s not easy to trust another human being with your deepest self. It can feel risky. A romantic relationship will require you to have the courage to face the ups and downs of life. Other courageous actions you will need to take include speaking up for yourself, honoring your boundaries and telling the truth.

Your mindset to find love will change as you take action. It will be your greatest ally to help you find your perfect partner.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/22/change-your-mindset-to-find-true-love/

How To Accept Yourself As You Are Now

It’s an old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else, but some people find this almost impossible. They think they need to find someone else to accept them first before they can believe that they’re a lovable and worthwhile human being. Self acceptance is the key to dating success but how can you achieve it?

How do you talk to yourself?

Many people are experts at beating themselves up. They criticise, complain, judge, condemn and berate themselves from morning until night. They talk to themselves in ways that are so harsh and cruel that they would never speak to anyone else that way. If that inner voice were a separate person from them they wouldn’t want to spend a single day together, let alone a lifetime!

We all have shortcomings, habits we want to change, difficulties we can’t seem to overcome or beliefs which hold us back. Beating ourselves up over them only makes matters worse, never better.

Become your own best friend

It will take a concerted effort to change that inner voice but one way of doing it is to imagine you’re your own best friend. What would your friend say when you made a mistake or didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning?

Your best friend will usually have your best interests at heart and will approach difficulties with kindness and compassion. Their aim will be to find ways to encourage and motivate you rather than make you feel worse about yourself.

Take action

Giving yourself a hard time for being overweight for example, will do nothing to solve the problem. If anything you’re more likely to over-indulge if you are living with the daily assault of a harsh inner critic. Self-blame gets in the way of constructive action. Only by becoming more compassionate and self-accepting will you ever be able to find the strength and motivation to tackle whatever problems are holding you back in life.

Get some balance

Most people are well versed in listing their own faults but seem blind to their assets. A helpful exercise can be to list your faults on one side of a page and then write the opposite of that fault on the other e.g. the opposite of irresponsible is responsible. If you think about it you’ll no doubt find many instances where you have been responsible.

You will possess both the positive and negative characteristic but often won’t recognise or focus as much on the positive. All of us have the full spectrum because we are all human. The characteristics that we focus on the most usually get out of balance. What you resist persists. If you’re constantly trying to stop being lazy it will probably make you lazier. If however you accept that you’re sometimes lazy and that it’s okay, the inner battle will stop and you’ll have more energy to do the things you want to do.

Focus on what you have to offer rather than what you want to get

When you begin dating it’s much easier to focus on all the qualities and attributes you want a new partner to have – they’re usually things that you feel are lacking in you.

A great short cut to self acceptance is to begin to focus on what you would bring to a new relationship and how these things could enhance someone’s life. Things like a love for cooking or decorating for example, are important assets which could enrich a relationship.

Write down these assets and if you get stuck ask your friends and family what they like about you. They may notice things that you are completely unaware of and it will boost your confidence to hear them.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2013/07/how-to-accept-yourself-as-you-are-now#.UfjnaI21Hnc