Ask a Guy: Is It True That Guys Don’t Like Girls Who Are Smarter Than Them?

Source: ShutterStock

Dear Ethan,

I’ve been single for a really long time and I’m kind of confused as to why. My friends tell me it’s because guys don’t like girls who are smarter than them. Is this true?

Not true. So not true! Smarts are NEVER a bad thing – not in dating, nor in general. In fact, I personally find intelligence one heckuva turn on, and have gone out with plenty of ladies who I felt were smarter than me. So don’t ever think that brains are a hindrance to snagging a boyfriend – and don’t allow anyone else to tell you so, either.

Sure, there might be the occasional doofus out there who isn’t looking for any kind of mental stimulation. There will always be a handful of Hugh Hefner-wannabes out there only interested in snagging “trophy girlfriends.” But these guys are the exception to the rule.

Instead, what you’re more likely to have encountered are guys who are intimidated by your intelligence. Some dudes might feel embarrassed or nervous to approach you, given how eloquently you speak or how well you do in school. It’s hard enough asking a girl out – the task of impressing an especially admirable lady can be downright terrifying!

But an ideal suitor for a brilliant woman certainly doesn’t have to be packing the same intellectual heat she is. In any relationship, each partner will have different strengths and weaknesses, most of which will hopefully counterbalance one another. Having things in common is great, but going out with someone who sees and interacts with the world differently is often the most fulfilling part of any romance.

With that said, you also probably don’t want to go out with someone who can barely understand you – or worse, has no interest in listening to what you have to say in the first place. Such an incompatible simpleton might show you a fun time for a few weeks or months, but you’ll eventually tire of not being able to connect on any deeper level. Hold out for someone who has an appreciation for your wondrous abilities!

Good luck!
Ethan

Read more: http://www.gurl.com/2014/01/30/is-it-true-that-guys-dont-like-girls-who-are-smarter-than-them/#ixzz2sMbOiW38

8 Ways To Boost Your Dating Confidence

Diarising date nights in long-term a relationship is as recommended as booking in a monthly GNO – once you’re settled into the groove of a relationship making time to do something special can become more infrequent, yet it’s more important. My friend even block books a date week every season to shake up the sofa-snuggles-in-front-of-The-X-Factor routine. But while most of us in the coupled-up camp are aware of this, we don’t necessarily think we need to work on our confidence when going on a ‘date’ with our guys we’re totally comfortable with.
I didn’t. Not until I had a coaching session with dating guru (and head & shoulders Date Night Confidence Coach) Matthew Hussey who advised me that by putting 10% more planning into a special night with my fella (or fiancé as I should call him if that didn’t feel so cringey), I – we – could experience each other in a new way that was special, memorable, and sexy. Date booked.
He gave me these eight tips that act like triggers to boost my dating confidence:
Take care of you first, feelings follow actions. “Properly prepare before to get into a good state for the date. If he complains you’re taking too long to get ready, communicate to your partner how excited you are to get ready for the date!” I love this last tip but I’m ‘preparing’ at work. As someone who shuts down the computer at the very last second, still with a growing to-do list I’m usually late and arrive in a rush with slap-dash lippy and windswept hair. Instead I made the date half an hour later and used this time not to work late but to re-do my hair and touch-up my makeup properly, print out Matthew’s tips and arrive unrushed and unflushed.
Smell your best. “Smell creates anchors which are a gateway to emotions. Connect a special smell with you.” I didn’t have an old fragrance that would bring back a “when we met” nostalgia but I wore a different one to usual. The oil parfum version of Narciso Rodriguez For Her has a sensual intensity which didn’t go unnoticed. My boyfriend complemented me on it more than once. Matthew also said that hair can be a good flirting tool so I tried the new head & shoulders Apple Fresh (it has Scent Burst Technology – clever stuff!) which certainly upped my swish-factor.
Wear something special. “It could be something he gave you that you haven’t worn in a long time. Something that has an air of sexiness that gets him to look at you in a new way.” I wore my new go-to outfit this season that’s glam but comfortable. A few friends and colleagues had admired it but my boyfriend hadn’t seen it pre-date so it was new to him and I felt great in it, an emotion emphasised with flattery from him.
Complement your partner. “Long term partners don’t do this because they assume you know it but it doesn’t resonate as much as hearing it! Try saying something new. Never stop trying to impress your partner.” This rings true for me; we’re now at a stage of being able to finish each other’s sentences, so I’m guilty of assuming he knows what I’m thinking! I made a conscious effort to voice my appreciations and not just on his well-considered dress sense but his people skills, his laugh – things we take for granted. He was beaming.
Use affectionate gestures and be tactile. “A hand on the leg, touching the shoulder, leaning in close… these increases sensuality and sexual tension.” I thought I do this without realising but by becoming conscious of it, I instantly felt sassy, flirty and fun. Plus the more I gave, the more I received!
Live in the present but dream of the future. “Most long-term couples live in a nostalgic mood, but the right now makes you learn new things. Share your new knowledge like fun facts, life lessons. The future can be more exciting than the past”. This chimed with me, having recently returned from a round-the-world trip together we’re constantly referring to “this time last year”, reminiscing on then which makes it hard to enjoy the moment. I steered conversation to the vision we’re both excited about – our upcoming nuptials – and our goals, such as house buying. This instilled infectious positivity and excitement.
Take control and surprise your date. “Do something slightly unexpected. Go somewhere new so it doesn’t feel predictable. Write a love letter or get him his favourite chocolate bar.” I’m quite good at doing the latter, often bringing him small treats so I focused on the former and booked what will be the venue of our wedding party for our dinner date. Having never dined there before it felt super special and instantly had romantic connotations.
Initiate affection. “Sneak in a kiss, break your normal pattern with a passionate kiss that makes him remember that first one.” This totally worked, making things charged and alive. We probably weren’t tipsy enough for it to remind him of our first kiss (we were on a waltzer at Lovebox festival!), but the unpredictability felt like those early days which resulted in a new, giddy freshness.
My confidence, and his confidence, was boosted and the results were special. The date was perfect, as was the weekend that followed. These little triggers, that I will keep top of mind, were more effective than a quick confidence boost like having my hair done before the date. Although I’m a big believer that it’s hard to be loved if you don’t love yourself (and a good blow-dry can help that!), these other actions worked harder, giving a deeper confidence and a lasting positivity. Try them!

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/how-to-boost-your-dating-confidence

A Shy Girl's Guide to Sex

It's not that she doesn't like sex; it's just that she prefers subtlety, indirection, holding off. A shy girl gets hot and heavy about her sex life.

I am not a prude. I like sex. But I would never say that to your face, and I'm actually cringing here at my computer at the thought that somebody could walk in... Well, you see where I'm heading. My own sexuality embarrasses me. When I was a young teenager, my mother used to tell me that the world was divided into breast men and leg men, and that I would attract the leg men. I don't remember being upset. Or pleased. I remember thinking, Well, that's it for shorts. In college I wore flowing, ankle-length skirts and beginning in my 30s, long pants. I'm the only person I know who can imagine adding a burqa to my wardrobe. I never want to be obvious, so when I'm feeling sexy I try to hide it—to the point where my husband can't always tell that I'm turned on; he once asked if I'd consider holding up a sign.

Okay, so I'm a little shy. That wouldn't have seemed so strange 50 years ago, when Victoria still had secrets, a kiss was still a kiss rather than an IOU, and holding back was still a viable sexual strategy. Today you're supposed to tell your partner exactly what will satisfy you. ("Excuse me, could you pass the multiple orgasms?") The very thought of it makes me blush.

Please don't get me wrong: I admire a woman who is sexually confident. I love it when movie stars strut and preen—not Gwyneth Paltrow bending like a willow, but Catherine Zeta-Jones leading with her chest. If you show up in four-inch heels and a see-through dress, I'll think you're hot. But I'll be more intrigued by the woman next to you who smolders quietly. In grad school my Victorian literature professor read us a scene in which a woman rolled up her sleeve, revealing to her suitor a seductive white arm. I thought the professor would faint, and who could blame him? When the boy I was dating brought over his favorite hard-core porno books for me to learn from, I put them aside in favor of A Man with a Maid, in which the innocent virgin is outraged by her captor's lewd behavior. Of course I got bored as soon as the lady became a libertine. I liked the Kama Sutra because it made sex seem ornate, exotic; words like penis and vagina were clinical, but lingam and yoni came (so to speak) with a little mystery. Sex toys—always gifts from men who wanted to make me less inhibited—went to a top shelf and stayed there. Only last week my husband reached for something on the top of a wardrobe and came back with an ancient vibrator. Did I want to dust it off and try it? What do you think?

Sometimes I break through my shyness. Sometimes the sun shines in Seattle. More often, though, I accept the way I am and work around it because, to tell you the truth, I really don't want to change. I don't want to be more aggressive. I don't want to turn myself on. Pick up any sex manual (something I'd never do in public—what would the bookstore clerk think?) and you'll find instructions on learning to love your own body. Asks one guide, "When was the last time you took a good look at your vulva?" Um, never? The idea of lying on my back, spreading my legs like a frog, and inspecting myself through a hand mirror has always seemed ludicrous to me. I don't have to look to know what's there, and if you tell me it's as lovely as a lotus flower, I won't believe you. (I wouldn't enter the penis in a beauty contest, either.) To quote the old Volkswagen ads, "It's ugly, but it works."

I guess getting naked can be fun, but I'd rather keep my body under wraps. I don't mind being secretly sensuous, the woman who lets down her hair when she wants to and afterward pins it right back up again. And if I'm buttoned up in bed, that's not indifference: That's being so turned on that I don't know what to do—yet. But I'm in no hurry. If I did hold up a sign (well, dear, you asked), it would say: GIVE ME TIME, AND SPACE. HOLD BACK A LITTLE, MAKE ME GO AFTER YOU. When a shy girl and a shy guy get together, anything can happen.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/A-Shy-Girls-Guide-to-Sex

12 Relationship Truths I Wish I Knew 12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago I was eighteen and just entering college.  Since then, friends and acquaintances have come and gone, girlfriends have come and gone, and I met the love of my life, Angel.  I’ve found through my years – through my experience with my own personal relationships – that there are certain undeniable truths that affect the quality and longevity of our relationships, and the resulting impact they have on us.  I share them with you today in hopes that they save you from a little heartache and confusion.

1. You have to love yourself first. – In order to truly have a loving, supportive, and long-lasting relationship with someone else, you need to learn how to be your own best friend first.  It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.  
2. You get what you put in. – In twelve years, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, which car you drove, and maybe not even your full name.  But in twelve years, they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them.  The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you.
3. What most people think of you doesn’t matter. – You wouldn’t worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew just how seldom they do.  No one is ever going to care about your life and the way you choose to live it more than you will.  That is a beautiful thing – never forget how beautiful.  Follow your heart, and take your brain with you every step of the way.  Get to know your true self.  When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit.
4. Friends and family won’t always support your goals, but you must pursue them anyway. – Follow your intuition.  Following your intuition means doing what feels right, even if it doesn’t look or sound right to others.  Only time will tell, but our human instincts are rarely ever wrong.  So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks; keep living and speaking your truth.  The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.  
5. Life doesn’t always change as fast as people do. – Learn to accept that not everyone is who you once knew.  And realize that sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the feeling you had when you were with them.
6. Some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life. – If you’re having a tough time letting go of someone who left you, realize that if they wanted to stay they would still be there.  Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next.  It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still hoping for the impossible to happen.  Yes, it will hurt for awhile, but you have to forget about the person who forgot about you, and move on.
7. Everyone has baggage, just like you. – The minute someone decides to walk out of your life, that is the same moment in which the opportunity and space opens up for someone who actually deserves your love to finally walk in.  Remember, everyone has baggage, so don’t be ashamed of yours.  Be patient and find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
8. Love doesn’t hurt.  Love is not the problem. – Don’t blame love if a failed relationship interfered with your other important relationships, or robbed you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it wasn’t love that stole from you.  It was possession.  It was obsession.  It was manipulation.  It was confusion.  Love had nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.  It opens it wide to let more goodness in.  Love creates freedom and abundance. 
9. Forgiveness is always the right choice. – Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with strong character to forgive.  When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK; and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.
10. Love requires three things: acceptance, honesty, and commitment. – Love comes when you care more about who the other person really is, rather than about who you think they should become.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and vulnerable over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.  Remember, the most romantic love story is not Romeo and Juliet who died young together; it’s the story of grandma and grandpa who helped each other through life, and grew old together.
11. A big part of who you become is who you choose to surround yourself with. – Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.  Surround yourself with people who make you a better person, and let go of those who don’t.
12. A soul mate is a person who brings out the best in you. – They are far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Remember, every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/10/08/12-relationship-truths-i-wish-i-knew/

How To Accept Yourself As You Are Now

It’s an old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else, but some people find this almost impossible. They think they need to find someone else to accept them first before they can believe that they’re a lovable and worthwhile human being. Self acceptance is the key to dating success but how can you achieve it?

How do you talk to yourself?

Many people are experts at beating themselves up. They criticise, complain, judge, condemn and berate themselves from morning until night. They talk to themselves in ways that are so harsh and cruel that they would never speak to anyone else that way. If that inner voice were a separate person from them they wouldn’t want to spend a single day together, let alone a lifetime!

We all have shortcomings, habits we want to change, difficulties we can’t seem to overcome or beliefs which hold us back. Beating ourselves up over them only makes matters worse, never better.

Become your own best friend

It will take a concerted effort to change that inner voice but one way of doing it is to imagine you’re your own best friend. What would your friend say when you made a mistake or didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning?

Your best friend will usually have your best interests at heart and will approach difficulties with kindness and compassion. Their aim will be to find ways to encourage and motivate you rather than make you feel worse about yourself.

Take action

Giving yourself a hard time for being overweight for example, will do nothing to solve the problem. If anything you’re more likely to over-indulge if you are living with the daily assault of a harsh inner critic. Self-blame gets in the way of constructive action. Only by becoming more compassionate and self-accepting will you ever be able to find the strength and motivation to tackle whatever problems are holding you back in life.

Get some balance

Most people are well versed in listing their own faults but seem blind to their assets. A helpful exercise can be to list your faults on one side of a page and then write the opposite of that fault on the other e.g. the opposite of irresponsible is responsible. If you think about it you’ll no doubt find many instances where you have been responsible.

You will possess both the positive and negative characteristic but often won’t recognise or focus as much on the positive. All of us have the full spectrum because we are all human. The characteristics that we focus on the most usually get out of balance. What you resist persists. If you’re constantly trying to stop being lazy it will probably make you lazier. If however you accept that you’re sometimes lazy and that it’s okay, the inner battle will stop and you’ll have more energy to do the things you want to do.

Focus on what you have to offer rather than what you want to get

When you begin dating it’s much easier to focus on all the qualities and attributes you want a new partner to have – they’re usually things that you feel are lacking in you.

A great short cut to self acceptance is to begin to focus on what you would bring to a new relationship and how these things could enhance someone’s life. Things like a love for cooking or decorating for example, are important assets which could enrich a relationship.

Write down these assets and if you get stuck ask your friends and family what they like about you. They may notice things that you are completely unaware of and it will boost your confidence to hear them.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2013/07/how-to-accept-yourself-as-you-are-now#.UfjnaI21Hnc

7 Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

Ten years ago I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart and become a young bride, which made it all the more devastating when happily ever after didn't pan out. When we broke up, I felt literally like I lost a limb, complete with phantom sensations of his hand in mine.

It didn't take long for a dark guilt to bubble up—a constant festering reminder of all the mistakes I’d made. I was highly unstable and insecure back then, and most of my relationships revolved around holding me up.

In the ruins of that romance, I didn't know what scared me more: that someone else might hurt me again or that I might hurt them enough first to deserve it.

I simultaneously felt an aching need to fill in the hole where he’d been and an overwhelming sense of nausea at the thought of being with someone else.

For eight years I ping ponged from fling to fling and extreme to extreme—putting myself out there far too soon or completely hiding my authentic self; expecting mountains to move or anticipating the worst; choosing the wrong people and refusing to let go, or choosing the right people and running away.

In each case, I either burdened the guy with a body bag full of my fears and insecurities, or dragged it around myself wondering why dating felt so exhausting.

I learned every lesson the hard way after first proving myself completely insane by doing the same things and over and over again and expecting different results.

I’m now a little less than two years into a peaceful, loving relationship, and I realize the journey to this connection had more to do with loving myself than finding him. No relationship with someone else can ever compensate for secretly believing you don’t deserve it.

While I by no means know everything, I feel the hard part isn't knowing what makes a healthy, happy relationship but actually applying that knowledge consistently. It’s a lot easier to make a laundry list of lessons than it is to put them into practice, especially when heightened emotions are involved.

So I've done something a little different to explore the different ideas that support healthy relationships. As I often do, I put a question out to the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: what’s the key to a happy relationship?

I took a sampling of the nearly 200 responses and grouped them into 7 tips. For each one, I listed a few simple ways to apply those ideas right now. If you’re not currently in a romantic relationship, a lot of these can still apply to the other relationships in your life.

7 Important Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

1. Practice self love first.

It seems like you can only have happy relationships if you can be happy with or without them. ~Erika Gonzalez

Know that it is not the other person’s job to make you happy. The only person who can do that is you! ~Christi Emmons

The ultimate kicker: be honest with yourself about who you are. ~Kelly Bell

Know that you can be yourself and still be accepted. The best relationship is when you bring out the best in each other, and you are purely content when neither has anything to say. ~Stephanie Schwenning

Take it off the page:

• Make a list or mental note of all the things to appreciate about you. Realize everyone has flaws, and there’s a lot more right with you than wrong with you.
• Work on forgiving yourself. The past is the past and you deserve to put it behind you, but no one else can let it go for you.
• Be good to yourself today. Practice yoga, meditate, or take a walk.

2. Focus on compatibility.

Be best friends first. ~Wendy Nicholson

Have an incredible “like” for each other. ~Diane Bateman

Have shared (or at least compatible) values and communication. Everything else can be forgiven, accepted, or put aside, however values are the root of how we relate to all beings. ~Frank Ra

Find the person who inspires you to be a better you, and always encourage them to become the best them. ~Corinne Morrill

Take it off the page:

• If you’re single, do something social that you love. You’re more likely to meet compatible people if you get out there and foster your  interests.
• If you’re in a relationship, spend some time sharing something you both enjoy. My boyfriend and I met at karaoke, so singing together is a great way to connect.
• If you’re in a relationship with someone and it always feels like hard work, ask yourself: are you trying to jam a square peg into a round hole? It can be scary to walk away from the wrong person, but it’s the only possibility of meeting someone who will feel right.

3. Practice acceptance.

Accept that not everyone or everything is perfect. We are all perfectly flawed. ~Simon Kirk

Be non-demanding of your partner—partners don’t tell each other what to do. ~John Bigl

Mutual adoration and acceptance of the differences that make each of you individuals are keys to a phenomenal relationship. ~Casey Kimes

Happiness is a choice, as are all things in life. I choose to see and feel grateful for all of the best qualities in my partner, rather than focusing on shortcomings. ~Emily Roberts

Take it off the page:

• If you feel yourself focusing on everything someone appears to be doing wrong, ask yourself if there’s something else upsetting you. It’s easier to blame other people than it is to look in ourselves, but oftentimes that’s where the problem is.
• If you feel like changing something about someone else today, ask yourself what change you can make in yourself instead. If you feel unappreciated, show appreciation. It’s more empowering and productive to show people how to treat us than to complain about what’s lacking.
• If there’s something you just can’t accept, ask yourself if you’re willing to walk away because of it. We can’t change other people, but we can change our relationship to them.

4. Have realistic expectations.

Don’t expect it to be happy all the time. ~Stephanie Goddard

Don’t sweat the small things and speak up when it really is important to you. ~Elizabeth Sadhu

Remember that it isn't always happy, but get through those not so happy moments together or apart, whichever is needed. ~Jessica Duff

Keep realistic standards for each other. ~Ashna Singh

Take it off the page:

• Eliminate the word should today—how a relationship should work, how people should act if they love you.
• Notice when you’re projecting something onto the other person that has nothing to do with them, like a fear from a past relationship. Then make an effort to let it go.
• Recognize when you’re looking for that person to do something for you that you need to do for yourself, like make you feel lovable or take care of your needs. Then release those expectations and do it for yourself.

5. Be kind in words and deeds.

Think about the person’s feelings before you speak or criticize them. ~Dana Brewer Covey

Have a fast ear and a slow tongue. ~Mark Ward

Have compassion and grow together, not apart, as the years go on. ~Krista Tverdak

Love must be bigger and stronger than anything else. Never keep any record of your partner’s mistakes and faults and be ready to forgive. ~Mel Escobar

Take it off the page:

• Make an effort to really listen—not just wait to talk.
• See the other person as if for the first time. It’s all too easy to take someone for granted. Really notice all the wonderful things they do, and let them know what you see.
• If you get frustrated with each other, ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I’ve cooled down?”

6. Be honest.

Talk about things that leave you vulnerable from the heart. ~Cheryl Floyed

Compromise and dream together. ~ Becca Stinson

From my grandparents, who have been happily married for 60 years: the three C’s: caring, communication, and compromise. ~Emily Larsen

Don’t sweat the small stuff, and if something really is bothering you talk about it in a calm controlled manner. Leave drama in the theaters and movies. ~Ben Reyna

Take it off the page:

• Open up about something that you've been keeping to yourself. It doesn’t have to be big and dramatic. People can only be there for us if we let them.
• If something’s on your mind, express it without implying the other person is responsible for your feelings.

7. Remember to act.

When you’re bored, do something about it. ~Ernie Somers

Adjust to change. Adjust to moods, lifestyle changes, and new additions, and always remember to love. ~Elysia Cordero

The rest comes and goes as we change and grow and struggle, but being able to laugh together brings you back together. ~Kerry Kokkinogenis

Have rich individual pursuits and pursue things together. ~Laura Texera

Take it off the page:

• If you haven’t in a while, take time to do your own thing today—completely on your own or with friends.
• Take time to laugh together, whether it’s watching funny YouTube videos or trying something new together.
• If you feel dissatisfied with your life, don’t assume it’s your relationship. What other adjustments could you make to feel happier with your place in the world? Maybe you need to take a small step toward a hobby or more fulfilling job.

And lastly…

Start over again and again. ~Miguel Angel Carrillo Infante

It’s a new day–a new chance to practice giving and receiving love.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-vital-choices-for-happy-relationships/