Is Your Hair Color Keeping You from Mr. Right?

I've always felt like a redhead, though I certainly wasn't born one. 

In fact, I've been dyeing my once-mousy hair this crazy red shade — think Moira Shearer in The Red Shoes — for the past decade. 

Do you know how difficult this color is to maintain? Within two weeks there's more bright sienna on my towels than on my head, and the whole effect is muted considerably. 

And while maintenance may be cheaply and easily acquired (thanks, Garnier Hot Tamale), finding a man who can commit is not. 

I live in New York City, which has a surplus of 200,000 single women to available men, and I have a history of attracting musicians on tour, homeless artists, polyamorist DJs, and, well, you get the picture. Until my male friend brought it up, I never considered the fact that my hair could be partly to blame.

"Go on."

"Well, when your hair is so vivid a color, it's kind of like a tattoo. It suggests an alternative lifestyle."

"Alternative to boring!"

"Alternative to serious. A lot of men are just intimidated by flashy. They want understated and down-to-earth."

He has a point. My personality seems big enough without the added Lucille Ball reference. And while it suited me as a girl of 29, now that I've entered my 30s, I'll admit it: I actually want to find a nice doctor to settle down with. A mere glance at my Facebook wall reveals that all my friends in new relationships are blonde, and all the engaged-to-be-marrieds just happen to be brunette. Coincidence? I think not! It is clear: I have to change my hair color.

My journey begins at Eva Scrivo's Bond Street salon, a welcoming space with very few men around. (I love an all-female environment when it comes to my salons — blame Steel Magnolias.)

In the flesh, Eva is one of the most glamorous-as-she-is-brilliant women I've met. Imagine Catherine Zeta-Jones wielding scissors with surgical precision and mixing color like Vermeer. When I confess my newfound theory that my hair color might be a man repellent, Eva suggests I test more than one makeover: Over several weeks, I would try both blonde and brown hair colors and see what happened to my love life.

Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?

In college, my platinum hair went with all my vintage dresses. My hair muse then was Courtney Love, and I exclusively dated guys who rode skateboards. I loved the look of the punk debutante, but bleach is a bitch on hair, and I eventually had to cut mine super-short to prevent the breakage that came with repeated use. Eva and I agree that in the interest of not changing its length, she will dye my hair a less damaging brunette, and that we'll try out a honey-colored wig in the interim.

Made of human hair, the wig is custom dyed and highlighted before Eva cuts it into my usual style. It's a shade that will transform me into something of a California girl, albeit without a tan. In order to ease my transition, Eva's cool makeup artist sister, Vinnetta, gives me some beauty tips for blondes looking to catch a husband.

"Men like dewy skin," Vinnetta says as she applies a mix of serum and moisturizer to my face after misting it with water. "It works on their subconscious to remind them of what you might look like after sex. Like you just finished running up a hill — flush and moist." This means a focus on skincare and less makeup overall.

"Your date probably doesn't appreciate your expertly applied Russian Red lipstick," Vinnetta continues. "They just want a little gloss. Nothing to interfere with the kissing."

I like the sound of that, but I wish that men understood that modern technology now allows us to attain a matte, nontransferable stain, because red lipstick looks so pretty with a little black dress. Alas, their subconscious minds have not gotten that memo.

In public, I don't really recognize myself with light hair. I suddenly feel much older, like the kind of woman who doesn't walk her own dog. I worry the rest of my look doesn't really live up to my hair.

"You look like a lady attorney who just had a couple of drinks, and I'm a little intimidated by you," says Adam when I see him for dinner.

"Well, I am a lady, and I did just have a couple of drinks," I reply. "But is this a different kind of intimidating than the red?"

"It's more sexually aggressive, and yet, it's kind of icy at the same time," Adam says.

Undaunted, I say yes to a guy who randomly asks me out online. I just updated my profile picture and clearly, the blonde is working! "I date mostly brunettes, but I tend to notice blondes more often," Sean, a carpenter with a full head of curly brown, tells me over tapas. "They're just brighter somehow."

I suppose this is why I stood out on nerve.com? I ask Sean, who probably thinks I am oddly obsessed with my hair (wait, I am!) if he thinks brunettes are more relationship-oriented.

"I think the issue is hair dye," he says. "Everybody does it, but with brunettes, you often can't tell. I usually associate blonde with 'fake,' and that leads to this presumption of unwholesomeness. I would guess that most men have a blonde fantasy, but brunettes seem closer to nature."

This is a polite way of saying that women who appear to dye their hair seem sluttier to dudes, even if they are naturally towheaded. Watch out, Swedes! And "streaky-stripey" hair (Sean's word for highlights) also connotes a loose woman. Definitely the image I was happy to project back in the day, but I'm starting to think going blonde might not be the change I'm looking for.

A Serious Woman

The day I go brunette, my hair undergoes three processes. First, a balancing shade of red is applied to fill in the accidental two-toned look on the bottom of my hair. Then, Eva mixes a rich, neutral brown by L'Oréal Professionnel INOA, and follows with a shine-boosting glaze. Because INOA is ammonia-free, you can color your hair till the cows come home and there won't be that telltale burn on your scalp. As I contemplate the reality that these curtains might finally match the drapes, Eva offers up her patented dating advice.

"You really should be dating four or five guys at once. How else are you to know what attributes are most important to you? Most people only click over one thing — intelligence, conversation, adventure, great sex, whatever — it doesn't mean you'll fall in love. The person you give up all the variety for should be spectacular."

Four or five guys — was she for real? Single, qualified, willing men in New York City are notoriously hard to find. But my friend Janet, a natural blonde who owns an art gallery, assures me it's easier for brunettes.

"I'm the first blonde my fiancé ever really dated. His preference has historically been for Little Browns. That's America's Girlfriend right there." Janet is convinced the transition will be the best thing I've ever done for my love life.

After the blowout, my hair is super-glossy. I never expected a color I'd always associated with mice could have such a dramatic effect. It's sophisticated yet approachable. Perhaps I can assimilate into "natural beauty" territory after all! Guy next door, here I come.

It doesn't take long before I have ample evidence that men are in fact down with the brown. Guys openly flirt on the elevator and in line at Chipotle. I get several compliments on my eye color. It's as if stripping away the distractions allows people to notice my face.

My newfound confidence inspires my engaged bestie to set me up with a single friend of hers. Elliot is a handsome English teacher who — hold the phone! — seems really, really nice. We meet at a crowded restaurant, and the hours fly as we quickly realize we have a lot in common. As it gets late, we even make plans to see each other again, and I'm feeling comfortable enough to tell him that I'd recently made a drastic change to my look. I ask him what he thinks of my newly dyed dark-chocolate-brown hair.

"It's nice," he says. "I don't know that it makes a difference, though. I think I would have been into you no matter what."

When he says it, I realize it's something I really needed to hear. I've always used my beautifully fake, bright hair as a way to stand out, and wrapped inside that was a fear of not being seen. What I notice about having brown hair is that I'm more confident and less conflicted about the attention I get from strangers. Now when somebody stares at me, I have to assume it's not because of my hair. It's just me. I think I'll stay brunette for a while.

http://www.marieclaire.com/hair-beauty/trends/hair-color-dating

DIY Soulmate: Design Him Yourself!

If you know what you are looking for, the task of finding your soul mate will be much easier and the journey will accelerate. Love is like a puzzle, so you seek a partner who provides a snug fit, not an identical copy of you. The more you both share as you discover each other, the greater your joy will be. You are looking for a partner and a friend. The physics of attraction are universal. If you focus on bringing something or someone into your life, you will attract him.

This guide will help you paint a portrait, to define the attributes and qualities of your ideal soulmate. This exercise is a breeze: it's all about you! Most fascinating, you will be surprised at what you will learn about yourself.

A deeply felt relationship will grow more beautiful and substantial over the course of your lifetime. Your team of two will face, overcome and survive the challenges life presents. Use your wish list wisely. When you can answer, "What will I bring to the table?" you can define the best person to call your partner.

This exercise must be an open and honest conversation with yourself. It cannot be done in a hurry. Spend as much time as it takes to flesh out the desired attributes of your partner. Make your list on paper. Hand write it, make it as long as you want and get specific. Focus. Take a break and come back to see your list in a different light. Do some of your requirements strike you as shallow or leftover from an old you? Discard them.

Above all, make sure you haven't forgotten a single thing on your list. Once you have envisioned the whole character of your soulmate, your wish list will offer an interesting reflection of you. Keep it on your altar or burn it on the beach in a ceremony. You will know the right way for you to offer your request to the Universe.

Here are a few questions to help guide your exploration of your soulmate list:

WORK

Does your soulmate work? Is he dependable? How does he value his work? Will he be a good provider? The importance that a man places on his employment often reflects his dependability. As you raise a family, how committed will he be?


LEISURE

How does he spend his free time hours? How do you? Is he project based, fixing this and maintaining that? Does he hunger for creative expression or for adventure and travel? Is he more of a homebody or a couch potato? Is he dependent on you for fun or does he have his own interests? How a man spends his leisure time is often an indicator of his potential performance as a father.


DRIVE

What is his general disposition? What is yours? Is he a go-getter? Is he reserved and cautious? Does he look before he leaps? Is he a sprinter or a long distance runner?


COMMITMENT

Does he keep his word? Does he follow through and do what he says he is going to do? Does he complete a project?


POSESSIONS

What does your mate own? What does he cherish? What is most important to him? How a man cares for his possessions is often an indicator of his potential as a provider. Does he keep his belongings in good condition?


HEALTH

How does your mate regard his body? How does he treat his temple? Is he hoping to be around awhile? And is he doing what it takes?


SELF-ESTEEM

How do you feel about yourself? How will your mate feel about himself? In life, we all go through ups and downs, at various times. In general, what is his outlook on life? Sunny or gloomy? What does he respect?


SPIRITUALITY

What is your spiritual core? How do you honor Life? How should he? It may be very important to you to find a man with the same religion. A deep spiritual sense, of another belief, may be just as good.


CHALLENGES & VICTORY

How does your man face uncertainty? When times are tough, how does he react? Fear is a normal and everyday part of life. Insecurity is nothing to be embarrassed about. Conversely, how does he win? With grace and humility? Or does he strut and gloat? Victory and defeat are fascinating aspects of a person's character.


FUN

How does he define fun? Does he laugh? What type of humor makes him laugh loudest? And you? Do you prefer a partner who brings a healthy dose of sarcasm? Is his humor clean or dirty? Is it offered in kindness or out of spite?


TRADITIONS

You can learn much from one's respect and understanding of tradition. Are family or religious customs important? Does he hold dearly certain practices that are handed down over time?


YOUR SOULMATE WISHLIST

Realistically, you may not find a bull's-eye, a man who meets every one of your requirements. Aim for a majority, not perfection. When you honor your list and refuse to settle, you may wait longer, but you will be happier in the long run. Don't give in to loneliness and choose the wrong mate.
Your list is a road map that leads you in the right direction. It will help you manifest and conjure. Finding a soulmate is an exercise in compatibility. As co-captains in Life, you will sail your ship over calm and stormy seas. Do you work well together? Yes! You are soulmates!

The Day I Stopped Falling for Jerks

After years of dating charismatic, brilliant, slightly off-their-rockers men who were never that into her, Laura Fraser learned to quit chasing unavailable guys and embrace real love.

I recently came across a photo of a sexy Brazilian man I had an affair with a few years ago. (OK, I Googled him.) When I saw his sly smile and unruly black hair, I couldn't help thinking that, by comparison, my live-in boyfriend wasn’t quite as darkly seductive or exciting.

I met the Brazilian in line for a film screening while visiting Manhattan from San Francisco. I was convinced I'd found my ideal man: intellectual, witty, artistic, and hot. We spent a passionate week together, and when I left town, I thought I was leaving behind a new long-distance boyfriend—one who, it turned out, didn't like to call or e-mail...ever. I thought our fling was the start of a relationship; he thought it was a fling, period.

Disappointing, but it fit my usual pattern. I would fall for a brilliant guy with an irresistible smile who never quite fell for me but who possessed all the qualities I liked in a man: a sense of humor, certified smarts, smoldering looks. Each time, these men—dashing chefs, moody architects—would give me just enough attention to keep me in their narcissistic orbit. Whether or not they'd ever call was just part of the thrill, always keeping me on edge. Outwardly, I told myself I was having fun and it was just a matter of time before someone wanted to settle down; inside, I started to worry that I wasn’t lovable or exciting enough.

My friends were concerned. Sometime after the Brazilian, a buddy observed, "You need to be the Brazilian in your relationship." By that, she meant I needed a solid guy I could rely on. But was it possible to be stable and exciting? She had a point, but the kind of guy she described sounded so boring I figured I'd be better off getting a dog.

Then I met Peter—or, rather, re-met him. I had known Peter vaguely in college. He'd recently emerged from a divorce and onto a dating site where I'd been lurking. I passed over his profile, which depicted an earnest guy with bright blue-gray eyes wearing an old Guatemalan sweater. But he recognized me, and we started chatting. There were no witty phrases in his e-mails, no sense that he was teetering on that razor's edge between genius and madness.

Unconvinced of his romantic potential, I invited him over for soup, less a date than a get-together with an old friend. From the moment he walked in, I felt like he'd been sitting in my living room forever. I didn't feel compelled to impress him; he seemed to genuinely like my apartment, my books, my soup...and me. We laughed easily and kissed each other good night. Surprisingly, given how kind he was, I didn't want to stop kissing him. The next day, he called to ask when he could see me again—unusual behavior, considering the guys I'd dated.

On our second date, we had a quiet dinner at a bistro. On our third, he told me he was only interested in a committed relationship. I'd never heard a man say such a thing. But even though it was what I'd always said I wanted, the word monogamy sounded a lot like monotonous.

Everything about Peter was steady. He used to own a recording studio and now had a less-exciting gig as a construction manager. He had a cheerful disposition and didn't swear at drivers. He’d raised a considerate daughter who shared his quirky sense of humor. My friends told me I'd totally scored, finding a smart, handsome, 6'4" man who adored me.

By our second month of dating, Peter told me he loved me, that I was beautiful, that he liked my shoes, and that he was the luckiest man in the world to find me. We didn’t always have the pyrotechnic chemistry of a one-night stand, but we had a constant warmth that made me want to cuddle up next to him. At the same time, it made me incredibly anxious: I loved hearing Peter's offbeat observations about music and architecture, watching him rewire the lighting in my apartment, listen- ing to his boyish laugh—but where was that manic streak of irresponsibility I craved? It seemed too easy. I didn’t have to try to pin down an artistic, wandering soul to persuade him to love me, or clamor for his attention. Without that, the romance seemed to lose a certain thrill.

One evening, after one too many drinks, some demon took over my brain and I con- fessed that I thought he was too boring for me. I gave him a long list of all the ways he wasn’t interesting enough: He was always even-tempered. He didn’t come up with crazy ideas, asking me, as other men  had, to take off for Argentina, ride the roller coaster in Santa Cruz, or swallow vision-inducing drugs with a shaman in the Amazon. He was predictable—showing up when he said he would, bringing flowers, picking me up at the airport. Peter looked crushed. "Are you breaking up with me?" he asked, near tears. I hadn't planned on it—inexperienced as I was with intimacy, I thought I was just airing my feelings. Breaking up was the last thing I wanted. I didn't know what I would do without his hugs and gap-toothed smile.

"No," I mumbled, embarrassed and worried that he was going to flee. But Peter pushed back. "Just because I’m not an asshole doesn’t mean I’m boring," he said

"You need to figure out the difference."

Now that was interesting. He left, pissed off, and I ruminated all the next day. Peter was right. When I considered it, most of the charismatic men I'd dated were actually jerks or bad boys, hardly relationship material. They’d subtly reject me but keep me around for fun, playing games where I always ended up the loser. I suppose I’d always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable. It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn’t fall in love with me. There was nothing to risk. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love.

The problem wasn’t that Peter was boring. It was that I was scared to be in a real relationship. Who cared if he didn’t speak three languages? Peter made me deeply happy, not constantly anxious that I wasn’t good enough. His solidity was exactly why, I realized, I loved him so much.

The next day, too scared to call, I texted Peter that I loved him, too. He came over and crowed about it, then insisted I tell him out loud. Now I say it all the time. And the more he feels secure, the more he’s game for new adventures: going to Patagonia and Mexico, hosting parties, learning to ski. These days, I feel silly for not realizing a long time ago what I needed: someone I could trust with my heart. 

And that beats a sexy Brazilian any day.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/the-day-i-stopped-falling-for-jerks

Six Lies People Tell You About Being Single

When searching for love, it feels like you can't win. You're told that to find a good relationship, you should first be happy alone. But if you are content solo, then you're "too independent." So you admit that being single can be lonely…and are informed that you reek of desperation!

Before I met my husband, Mark, my single friends and I would talk about the many theories our loved ones offered up about why we hadn't found someone. They meant well, but now I know they were just plain wrong (I wasn't afraid of commitment; I just hadn't found the right guy!). I talked to so many women about the clueless feedback they hear that I was inspired to write a book—It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single. Here, why the top "reasons" for why you're single are a bunch of bunk.

1. "You're Too Intimidating/Independent"

For years, people told Suzanne that her confidence and professional success made her intimidating. No, she wasn't the CEO of a multinational company—she was a communications consultant who owned a house and a couple of cars. She happened to enjoy the occasional dinner alone at a sushi restaurant.

"My male friends told me my life could scare men away, because where is there room for them? They said I needed to look more vulnerable. I didn't know what that looked like. How do you show someone there is room for them without also coming off as weak and needy?" she says. That's the problem, isn't it? Just when you start getting your act together—hitting your stride in your career, creating a nice home for yourself and a strong network of friends and family—someone invariably comes along to tell you that everything you've built will actually harm your chance of finding love.

Suzanne knew her friends had her best interests in mind, so when a new boyfriend acted wistful about his more passive ex-girlfriends, she decided to do an experiment. On a bowling night with friends, she decided to be his kind of girl—asking for lots of advice, including whether she should get a hot dog or a burger. "I kept getting gutter balls. He responded really well to that," she says. One female friend commented that she thought Suzanne's boyfriend was good for her because she was more vulnerable with him. "I remember thinking, 'So this is what I have to do? I don't know if I can sustain this,'" Suzanne says.

That's the first problem with advice that tells you to be someone you're not—even if it temporarily appeases the other person, it's not going to make you happy. But the bigger problem is that this idea that having a spine and a brain will hurt your chance of finding love is baloney. The truth is, women with college degrees and higher incomes are actually just as likely to marry as their less accomplished peers. They're also less likely to divorce.

Sure, there are wimps who can't deal with a woman who can fix a leaky faucet or buy her own house, but that's not all men. Instead of trying to squash your spirit to please some insecure dude, why not wait for a guy who has the cojones to cheer when you get a promotion or bowl a strike? That's what Suzanne did, and she's now happily married to a man with the confidence to let her pick her own damn sandwich.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I didn't realize so many guys were such delicate flowers! I think I'll hold out for one who's man enough to date me."

2. "You're Too Picky"

When I asked women what their friends and family said about why they were alone, this was the overwhelming favorite. It's a nice fail-safe, since it's pretty hard to prove wrong. If he was rude to the waitress last night, maybe he was having a bad day. "Give him another chance!" is the cry of the reasonable.

My single friends and I would puzzle over this: Were our standards too exacting? None of us had salary requirements. We weren't looking for men to support us, although they did need to be able to support themselves. In fact, the only standard that truly mattered to any woman I knew was the one articulated by my friend Caitlin. "I want to find a guy who is as sweet and surprising as my friends are but who I also want to make out with," she said. I have yet to meet a happily coupled person whose significant other fails to clear this bar.

Caitlin did indeed find a guy like this, and they've been happily married for years. But when we were single, this attitude made us nuts— "Are you sure? Why not just go on one more date?"

Here's what we failed to see: Our friends weren't trying to make us feel bad. After all, accusing a single person of being too selective is a compliment in a way. It assumes that scads of people want to be with you.

Plus, there is a reason we got so much feedback. We asked for it…or complained enough that our friends felt compelled to cough up some sort of wisdom. The solution: Stop talking about it. Relying on your own judgment rather than a survey of your 12 closest friends is liberating. You don't have to justify not going on that third OkCupid date if no one knows about the first one.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I'm choosing a life partner, not a couch."

3. "You Don't Know How to Play the Game"

The media treats dating like a cosmic tennis match—one in which women are always cast as the losers. Single men, meanwhile, are the great victors, feasting on their many dating options, reveling in their bachelor freedom, getting all that milk for free.

Because of this, there's a tendency for a girl to be on defense. He postponed a dinner date? Failed to call at the appointed time? Then, sister, you are outta there! To win at love, women must put themselves on a pedestal—demanding free dinners and accepting only dates booked far in advance.

Lost in all this defensive dating is the fact that men and women are both looking for the same thing: a partner in this confusing life. So how do you know if you're making excuses for a douche bag or being overly harsh about a guy who's just a little forgetful?

For me, the best guide was How does he make you feel? Was that thoughtless remark a fluke from a guy who's genuinely into you or does it set off alarm bells? Anyway, maybe you will misjudge a guy who turns out to be a rat. But instead of arming yourself with commandments about what you won't accept, isn't it braver to date knowing you could get hurt but you will survive?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"That's because it's not a sport to me—I'm looking for a boyfriend, not a trophy."

4. "You Should Have Married That Guy"

When Julia broke up with Joe, her mom and sister told her she expected too much from relationships. Julia agreed with them that Joe was a great guy. That's why she had spent two years with him—she wanted it to work. But she also didn't feel a spark, and she refused to settle.

Isn't it funny? At the same time women are expected to be superhuman—nailing the perfect balance of sexy yet modest, independent yet vulnerable—we're also supposed to be grateful for any scrap of male attention that comes our way. So what if he's dull in bed? You can't have it all!

Julia worried her standards were too high…until she met Matt, who confirmed that "I wasn't crazy. I knew what this would feel like and was holding out for it!" she says.

Laurie, a TV exec, admits she was pretty exacting: Her future boyfriend would have to love the arts, not be religious, and live in Manhattan. Then she met a hilarious man named Dave—a Christian who lived in the suburbs and couldn't care less about museums. They've been married for 10 years. Did she settle? "Absolutely not! I feel lucky," she says. Laurie's list was off, but her instincts weren't. She finds Dave smart and attractive, and he treats her like the most desirable woman in the world. Who cares if he doesn't dig the symphony? So how do you know if you're settling? Easy. You're settling if you thinkyou're settling.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I decided that years of quiet desperation followed by divorce just wasn't for me."

5. "You're Too Available"

Rose's relationships typically didn't last long. Apart from one three-year romance, most lasted only three to six months. She often asked her married friends for advice.

The diagnosis? "That I was caring too much, trying too hard, and not playing hard to get," says Rose. This is classic dating-guide advice: If you love someone, don't you dare let him know. Keep him guessing, because men love the hunt.

This idea is presented as empowering—appear so confident that you're invulnerable to his opinion. There is a kernel of wisdom in there: Don't let another person determine your worth. But in telling women to act like unavailable ice queens, the message is: Hide your true feelings, because if he sees how you really feel, he will leave. How is that supposed to make you feel confident?

Bitchiness is false confidence. Making someone feel insecure, withholding kindness—this is not how truly confident people behave. Think about the most self-assured people you know. Are they inconsiderate? Do they try to make you feel small? And think about yourself when you've gotten a promotion or a great compliment. Does this wellspring of self-worth make you aloof or are you more likely to say, "You look fantastic!"?

For all of Rose's self-doubt, she also had a small but fierce instinct that one day she'd meet someone who wouldn't need to be manipulated into liking her. She was right. She's now married to a man who adores her…and the fact that she's not afraid to express her feelings. Can you prolong a relationship with an ambivalent dipshit by withholding your affection? Possibly. But why would you want to?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I'm a person, not reservations at a hot restaurant. I'm pretty sure there's a guy out there who's smart enough to know the difference."

6. "You Have Issues"

Are you commitmentphobic? Afraid of intimacy? Too close to your father? Not close enough? If you're a single woman who would rather not be single, the pathologies you're accused of are endless.

There's nothing wrong with working through your issues. If you want to conquer your fear of heights, go for it! The problem arises when you try to eradicate your hang-ups as a prerequisite to finding a relationship. Let's face it: If everyone had to shed their psychological baggage before finding a partner, there would be a lot more unattached people in the world. As I'm sure many of your partnered friends demonstrate, it's very possible to be in a happy relationship even if you get anxious at parties or hate your thighs.

Sure, there are those whose emotional issues—from garden-variety intimacy fears to full-blown personality disorders—prevent them from being in committed relationships. The problem is, this pat conclusion has been lobbed at all singles seeking love.

Think about it this way: What if your only issue is the belief that you have issues and that they're keeping you from a relationship? What if you stopped defining yourself as someone with a bad-boy addiction or low self-esteem? What if you instead saw yourself as a flawed but lovable human being? What if the only reason you're alone is because you just haven't met the right partner yet?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"And you don't?"

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/six-common-reasons-why-youre-single

The Zen of Love: How to Attract “The One”

How many times have you heard a single woman say, “There just aren’t any good men, are there?” or “Why is it impossible to meet a great guy?” or “Where can I find an eligible man I want to date?”

All of these questions are founded on the myth that wonderful, loving, attractive, SINGLE men are in short supply, as if they       were an endangered species.

The truth is this: there ARE good men out there, you CAN meet a great guy and the men are EVERYWHERE. Really, I am not just making this up. Good men can be found on the major online dating sites, in bookstores, on tennis courts, at Starbucks, in line at the grocery store, and yes, even in churches.

So, at the risk of getting all “woo-woo” and cosmic, maybe you are asking the wrong question. Instead of lamenting the lack of great men, maybe the question you should be asking is, “How can I attract my soulmate into my life?”

Back in my Middle-Aged Babe Magnet days, the best dating advice I ever received came from a happily married friend who had met his wife after a messy divorce and several years of unfulfilled dating. He told me that he got tired of dating women who weren’t quite right for him for one reason or another. “I kept attracting the wrong kind of women,” he said. “After a while, I realized that the one thing in common with all of these not-so-great relationships was ME.”

That’s when he decided to step back from the dating world and do a little work on himself. He joined a health club and he lost weight. He joined a book club at a local community center and he started to feed his mind. He dusted off his old guitar and started to take lessons again.

In the terminology that my mother used to use, he became a better “catch.” He became more three dimensional and more interesting and more self-fulfilled. He became more comfortable in his own skin. He became the best version of himself that he could.

Keep in mind that he didn’t do all of this to make himself more attractive to the opposite sex. He did it so that he would have a better life. But, of course, the result of his “life makeover” was that he became VERY attractive to women. And he attracted exactly the woman that he of dreamed of, because now he was READY for her.

A similar thing happened to me. After dating for a couple of years and not finding “The One,” I decided to let my online dating membership expire and let fate take its course. I decided to turn over the matchmaking process to the Universe and learn to enjoy my life—with or without a mate. I realized I had been trying too hard, and it was time for me to let go.

I’ll bet you can guess the end of this story. As soon as I decided to relax and enjoy the flow of my life, I met the wonderful woman who has recently become my wife.

There really is a Zen to finding love. So if all of your efforts to find “The One” aren’t working for you, take a break from the search. Do a little self-work, and become the person to whom your soulmate will be attracted.

When the time is right and when you are ready, he will find you.

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/the-zen-of-love-how-to-attract-%E2%80%9Cthe-one%E2%80%9D/

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Committing

You’ve been on many dates. You laugh at each other’s jokes. You find their quirks endearing. And you’re excited to see where the relationship might lead. Before you take that leap into a serious committed relationship, here are some questions to ask yourself.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Do we share the same views on monogamy, marriage and children?

The big-ticket items, like family, marriage, and views on monogamy are conversation-topic musts before leaping into serious commitment. Differing values on these areas are often non-negotiables. It’s better to know he doesn’t want kids or that she’s not interested in ever getting married now than get further invested in a relationship that, ultimately, can’t have a future.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Are we spiritually compatible?

Maybe you’ve already talked about your faith backgrounds some, but articulating what your spiritual life looks like on a day-to-day basis — and what you aspire it to become — is an important step in determining when to get serious with one another. If one of you eschews organized religion and the other wishes they could attend orthodox services more often, you’re likely going to hit major roadblocks later on. Talk about these differences and determine if your differing faith systems are compatible with one another.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Are family and friends supportive of the relationship?

Does your mom like him? Does your roommate think she’s awesome? Positive feedback on the relationship from family and friends can help give you the green light in moving forward. If loved ones agree that the person you’re seeing is a good match for you, you’re committing to a relationship with a built-in support system.

If you sense hesitancy or wariness from loved ones, try to determine why they’re not as gung-ho about the relationship as you are. Maybe they’re just looking out for you following previous heartache. Maybe they have some serious reservations. Consider their yellow and red flags seriously before committing.

Question to ask yourself before committing: How do we deal with conflict?

Have you fought yet? Have you seen him upset? Establishing healthy conflict-resolution patterns is essential in cultivating a solid relationship.

Talk about conflict when you’re not in the middle of it. What often triggers defensiveness in you? What angers you? When do you feel most misunderstood? Do you tend to fight about the same things over and over? Establish rules for “fighting fair.”

Before committing, ensure that you’re both determined to always do right by the other person — and can compromise, apologize, and reassure when times get tough.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Can we communicate honestly about uncomfortable topics like money and sex?

The two biggest conflict topics in committed romantic relationships are money and sex. You’ll be setting your new relationship up for success if you start talking about these things early on. If you handle money differently, feel uncomfortable revealing spending philosophies, have different expectations when it comes to splitting the check or sharing a bed, now is the time to talk.

Practicing openness and honesty about private matters can build trust and prevent conflicts that arise from misunderstandings and assumptions. If you find you’re not compatible in these areas, be cautious about moving forward. Many find these differences to be irreconcilable.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Have we both dealt with our “baggage”?

Make sure you’re entering into this relationship for the right reasons — and without the past tagging along. Don’t commit as a knee-jerk reaction to your ex finding love elsewhere, or just because you hate being alone.

Have you both dealt enough with your relationship “baggage” that neither is comparing the other to a past relationship? If there’s still a “one that got away” in your life, you won’t be giving your all to the new relationship.

For a relationship to thrive, you need to be fully present. Before you commit, make sure this specific person is the one you want, and that your past, while important in terms of life lessons and character building, isn’t interfering with you giving your best to someone new.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Can I see myself with this person in the future?

If you can’t see yourself with this person in a few months, let alone a few years, you’re not ready to commit. And if you can already identify things that might derail the relationship, you need to talk. You don’t have to know, without a doubt, that this person is “the one,” but if you already know they’re not, why are you investing your time, energy and heart on someone you don’t want to be with in the future? It’s not fair to either of you.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Have we established mutual trust and respect?

Do you treat each other well? Do you feel like the person you’re with wants the best for you? Are you excited for each other’s dreams?  Would you describe the person you’re with as trustworthy, respectful and considerate?

A relationship missing these ingredients is already filled with red flags. You want to be with someone who treats you well, and with someone whom you deeply respect.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Do I really like this person?

It sounds trite, but it’s so important that you actually enjoy spending significant amounts of time with the person you’re about to commit to. Do you really, really like him? Do you care about the details of his life? Does she preoccupy your thoughts? Are you just interested in being in a relationship, or are you craving a relationship with this particular individual? If you like the person you’re dating, in a Bridget Jones “just as you are” kind of way, keep moving forward.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/questions-to-ask-yourself-before-committing/#.UfErkY1wqO0

His Checklist for Ms. Right (Even if He Doesn't Know It)

As you’re probably painfully aware of, a man can like you, get very close to you, and still not want a lasting, meaningful relationship with you. So I want to take you inside the male mind and let you know what makes a man go from just feeling casual about dating you to wanting and needing you on a deeper level. And I’m talking about a quality man – one who’s mature and grounded on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level. The kind of man you’re hoping to find in the first place. So let me shine a light on what he’s looking for in YOU.

1. HE WANTS A WOMAN HE’S INTENSELY ATTRACTED TO.

I’m not just talking about physical attraction here. That’s easy. And, as you well know, a man can feel this for you and NOT want a serious relationship. I’m referring to a deeper feeling of connection that gets him EMOTIONALLY. Men aren’t as scared of commitment and relationships as they are of being in a relationship where there’s no passion. And a common way women accidentally kill the attraction men might be feeling is by either trying too hard or by acting like the relationship is too serious too soon. There’s nothing more appealing (and attractive) to a man than a great woman who knows how to relax and have fun. Keep things light and playful from the beginning. For instance, instead of talking about what he does for a living when you meet him, ask him about what sports he plays and what drives him. Be open to going on different types of dates with him. Unpredictability keeps attraction going – for both of you.

2. HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO IS PLAYFUL.

There’s something that drives men wild and invites them into a deeper level of connection – play. Notice how men bond with each other while being active and at play. They were raised to express themselves and connect with those around them through action. Unfortunately, women can often forget this and want to talk their way into a man’s heart. But the fact is that men don’t “feel it” for you because of what you say. It’s not your words that make a man attracted to you, it’s the experiences you create with him. Watch or play sports together, be competitive in casual games like ping pong – even add a little teasing and sarcasm here and there – and you’ll really ramp up the attraction and interest.

3. HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO’S INDEPENDENT.

While an immature man may feel better about himself by being with a woman who depends on him, a quality man is just the opposite. He’s attracted to a woman because she ALREADY creates her own happiness, independent of him. She has a great life and a sense of purpose whether or not she’s in a relationship. A great guy isn’t intimidated by independence and success. What matters to a man is that a woman still has space in her life for a great relationship and is grounded and present when she’s with him. So, it bears repeating: never give up your interests or take time away from the important things in your life for a man. Now, when you ARE with him, really BE with him. Have fun, be present, and let him know how much you enjoy him.

4. HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO IS EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

No matter how great things are going with a guy, inevitably a situation will come up where you and a man will see something differently and misunderstand each other. How will you respond to this and share your feelings? How a woman handles her emotions is one of the most important things men look for when deciding whether or not to get serious with a woman. If she lets her emotions get out of control, this is a big red flag to him. So, a woman who shares her feelings in an honest and authentic way – rather than judging or blaming him – is incredibly attractive to a man. And it signals to him that she’ll be a great partner to him…for the long term.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/his-checklist-for-ms-right-even-if-he-doesnt-know-it/#.Ue5k6I1wqO0