Debunking the Biggest Myth of Dating Over 40

Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? I know. I did it for about 30 years and I experienced all the hurt, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, boredom, and exhaustion that comes with it.

So what’s the thing about dating that bothers you most? As a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I conducted a survey and asked women to tell me their biggest dating challenge as a woman in her 40s, 50s and beyond.

The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men.

Yah, I know. Not having quality men to date really sucks. It WOULD suck, that is…IF it were true. The idea that there aren’t any quality men is a myth.

There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States, about 7 million in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And these are just the ones using online dating!

And before you say…but, Bobbi, these aren’t quality men. All the good ones are taken…check this out:

If you live anywhere near a major metro area, and are looking for a man over 40,  5’8” or taller,  college educated, non-smoking, making a higher than median income…statistics say that there are over 2000 of these guys within 20 miles of you looking for love online. 

No good men? Really? And, remember girlfriend, you only need ONE.

Why do you hold on to this as if it were truth; like it’s a reality of life that you must endure? If you’re like I used to be as a single gal, it’s because it gives you permission to stay the same and stay single.

As long as you let yourself believe that your lack of connection with a good man is about T-H-E-M…then you don’t have to take responsibility. You are merely a victim of nasty and sad circumstance, rather than a strong, smart woman in charge of her life.

Take some advice from a gal who has been there, finally figured “the man-thing out,” got married at 47 and now enjoys a stellar relationship with the perfect man…for me. There are two things you can do that will immediately improve your experience with men:

1. Be a good picker.

Know what you want and must have, and make sure it’s the “Grownup You” doing the picking; not the 18-year-old who still expects all kinds of wacky things that no longer matter and wouldn’t make you happy anyway.

Be willing to forgo the idea of perfection and find a REAL man. He doesn’t have to be flawless to rock your world. (And btw how flawless are you? Aren’t your “quirks” what you want men to love about you?)

Here are some action steps to get you started:

•  Get honest with yourself by getting to the core of your belief that there are no quality men. When did you start believing this and why? Are these beliefs still true?

•  How does this belief impact your actions (or inaction), and how is that affecting your outcomes? If you believed otherwise, how would it change your dating experiences?

•  Make a choice. If this belief is working for you, great. If not, choose to let it go.

2. Give him a chance.

DO NOT tell me that in the first 10 minutes of meeting a man you can know that he is a potential suitor or life partner. If I hear this one more time….I’m going to burst.

Unless he spits when he talks, smells, or is drunk; give him a chance. Quick judgments are often more about you than the man sitting in front of you. 

Quickly dismissing men is most often about self-protection and reliving past experiences in the present. I mean, after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.

(Listen, I was the master of this, but finally learned how I consistently self sabotaged. And when I saw it, and dealt with it, my life changed. Yours will too.)

Here are your action steps:

•  Write your list of qualities, values, and behaviors that attract you and that you expect in a man with whom you spend time.

•  Review your list and decide: does this man exist? Are these qualities I’m looking for directly related to a man’s ability to make me happy? Are these truly requirements and worthy of dismissing a man who does not possess the quality? Out of this you will begin to refine your list of must-have’s, nice to have’s and who cares/what was I thinking.

If you are serious about finding a life partner, or at least a man to have some fun with, letting go of the idea that there are no good single men for you is a first critical step.

When your belief shifts, the good men will be there waiting for you. Ask any one of my coaching clients. After working on this for just a week or two, they  “miraculously” see nice guys everywhere.

What you believe is your truth. And what you put out and expect is what you get. I’d love to hear how this (pretty simple) shift works for you. Happy dating! 

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/debunking-the-biggest-myth-of-dating-over-40/#.U1kTrfldXnc

The Single Mum’s Dating Guide!

Whether your children have flown the coop, or they’re still in nappies, it can be a little tricky navigating the dating scene when you’ve got kids in tow. So here’s a few tips we’ve picked up from eHarmony’s single mothers to help you find the perfect man for you (and your family!).

You first

Putting yourself second and your kids first seems to be an inherent part of being a mother. Which is fine when it comes to letting them have the last slice of cake, or sitting through hours of Disney films (which, if you admit it, probably isn’t such a bad thing). But there’s no space for the children-first approach when it comes to online dating – this, at the very least, is all about you. So embrace a little me-time and enjoy talking about yourself for once – you’ve earned it!

In your own time 

There’s barely enough hours in the day as it is when you have children. Let alone, time to search for, date and fall in love with the perfect partner. That’s why single mums are turning to internet dating to find someone special – it’s a little easier to fit your dating activity around nap times, school picks-up or after your kids have gone to bed when the action is happening online. And if you’re with eHarmony there’s even a handy app you can download, so you can reply to messages or check out your matches without even turning on your computer. How’s that for efficiency?

You’re in good company

Another great thing about dating online is that there are plenty of men in the same shoes as you. Divorced or separated – many of them are just as keen to take things slowly and have the same worries about introducing new people to their families as you do. Besides respecting your time-frame, there’s other advantages to dating someone who’s a parent too – for one, there’s a good chance they already like kids.

You deserve fireworks

It can be tempting to settle for something safe, when it comes to dating as a single mum. But don’t forget that you deserve something special, something fun, and something that ticks all the boxes too. In fact, you deserve fireworks. So although you may feel like you’ve got a long list of things your new partner needs to have, don’t let chemistry be the thing you compromise on!

Be prepared for questions about your ex

Anyone you date will wonder what’s happening with your ex partner or husband – it’s only natural. The best thing you can do is be prepared, and be honest. Let them know where the relationship stands, and give them the opportunity to figure out if they can fit in with your arrangement – chances are they will, but everything will be easier if you’re up-front from the get go.

Trust that it will work out

First-time dating with children can be a steep learning curve, and we can’t guarantee it’ll always be a comfy ride. But, if you’re taking positive steps toward finding new love, you’re doing all the right things.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2014/03/the-single-mums-dating-guide#.U0FJRfldXIM

7 Pieces of Love Advice We Think We’ll Ignore....

Heard of the Happy Wives Club? Started by ‘happy wife’ Fawn Weaver, it’s a website, general club (and now book) designed for wives to discuss just what exactly makes their marriages so blimmin’ great (yeah we know, pass the sick bucket). Designed as a community to swap tips and advice on keeping their husbands happy, the site has attracted a fair bit of negative attention already – and it’s not hard to see why. Although we’re always up for spreading a bit of cheer and swapping relationship tips, we think you’ll agree these views are a tad (A LOT) outdated.

So here’s our verdict on the very worst pieces of ‘advice’ the Happy Wives are dishing out – we think we’ll definitely be ignoring them. You?

1. “Defer decisions until you can talk about them privately. This means, you make an agreement with your spouse not to accept invitations, decline opportunities or give an answer to anyone about almost anything, until you have talked about it and made a decision together.”

Ok, in theory we’re all for considering your partner or boyfriend’s opinion when it comes to say, accepting that party invite or agreeing to go on a hike up the mountains with Great-Uncle Rory. BUT, surely it’s not realistic to check every little thing with our other half before expressing an opinion or agreeing to ‘almost anything’...is it? Isn’t that a bit like waiting for permission? What if your boss offered you a pay-rise – should you stay mute and wait to talk it over with your partner, rather than using your own common-sense and intelligence? Surely this kind of advice is just perpetuating the myth that women are less capable than men and need to seek their approval before deciding anything. Being considerate is one thing, but we think this is just next level nonsense.
  

2. “Give some Vitamin F2 every day. What is Vitamin F2, you ask? Flirt and Fun. And yes, I just made it up.  We usually get instructions to *take* vitamins. How about giving some every day to the love of your life?”

Arghhh. Apart from being massively cringe-worthy, surely it’s not possible to give (we can hardly bring ourselves to say it) ‘Vitamin F2’ every single day? Surely some days you can’t take your (gag) ‘vitamins’, because you’ve got other crap going on? Like family meltdowns, work woes or friendship dramas? Surely being part of a happy relationship is supporting each other through the rough and smooth – and being there for each other during the crappy bits too (when realistically, there isn’t a lot of time for ‘flirting and fun’). While keeping a sense of fun alive in a relationship is important, we’re pretty sure the last thing on our mind when we’ve got actual serious stuff to deal with is scheduling in a flirt-sesh or ‘play-time’ with our other half. Meh. Time to get real ladies?

3.  “A happy wife treats her marriage like a ministry. Regardless of your religious affiliation, marriage is a ministry. It’s designed for you to serve your spouse. When you focus on making your husband happy, he will naturally do the same for you.”

Wow. We stopped reading at ‘serving your spouse’. Goodbye.

4.  “A happy wife expresses love to her spouse. She shows her spouse love by having an attitude of gratitude. She tells him how much she appreciates even the smallest of contributions and support.”

Saying please and thank you is polite, granted. But having ‘an attitude of gratitude’ 24/7? Er, no thanks. Surely he’s just as lucky to have an amazing woman as we are having him around – shouldn’t our actions reflect that instead of pandering to his every need in a pathetically submissive and grateful manner? *tears hair out*

5. “A happy wife surrounds herself with other happy wives. And she’s not ashamed of distancing herself from unhappy or bitter wives. She knows she can lean on other happy wives for prayer and support.”

Surely this is just mean! What if your best pal – coincidentally another wife – has just lost a family member, or has just been made redundant. Should we reject her phone calls and politely decline that coffee date because, well, she’s not particularly happy right now and it might not be good for our relationship? Please. Make. It. Stop.
 

6.  “Change The World Together. Decide to be ‘that couple’, you know the one that gets all of your couple friends to volunteer for a day or do an epic bike ride or walk for a cause. When you both work together on something neutral like this, it brings you together in a unique sort of way that celebrates the “philanthropist” in both of you. Lead together. Don’t just do it together. Together, get others to join you.”

Fun activities together = totally cool and cute. Charity work? We’re on board with that too. But being ‘that couple’ who gets everybody else involved and on your bandwagon? Shoot us now. Besides not having the time to be ‘that couple’ (imagine all the organisation involved!) we’re pretty sure most of our pals would prefer being invited over for a delicious dinner where they can chill out after a long day over a 15-mile-walk for charity en masse. Don’t get us wrong, we’re not knocking charity work – but sometimes isn’t it better to go about your business (and any charity work that might involve) in a private, non-preachy way without guilt-tripping all your mates into doing it too? Or maybe that’s just us...

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/happy-wives-club-bad-advice

7 Things Never to Say to a Single Woman

What's caring? And what's just offensive? The author of the smart and savvy novel Seating Arrangements weighs in.

Photo: Yale Center for British Art, Paul Mellon Collection

1.

1."Don't worry. He's out there."

Here's the thing about being a single woman. Pretty much nobody will ever believe that you're okay with being female and unattached, let alone believe that you might be happy about it. I have lots of conversations in which I'm asked if I'm dating anyone, and I say, "No, not for a while." Then I add that it's cool, because I've been working a lot and I like not being beholden to anyone else's schedule. I also like having experiences, especially when I travel, that aren’t filtered through anyone else's moods or needs. In response, I am assured that I shouldn’t worry because he’s out there.

Well, of course he is. There are more than six billion people on this planet. Even adjusting for age, and the ability to speak English and whatever other criteria strike your fancy, there are probably, I don't know, a hundred thousand men I could spend my life with in reasonable contentment. It's not that I don't want the comfort and solidarity (not to mention joy) of having a partner. But, if it's not in the cards for a theoretical He to emerge from Out There at a realistically workable moment for both of us, do I want to set myself up to think that my life—my one, precious chance at existence—is somehow incomplete? A failure? Unless I’m talking to some bona fide clairvoyants, when people jump to tell me not to worry about being alone forever, what they're really saying is that they expect me to be worried. And that makes me feel kind of bad. And kind of worried.

2. "Have you ever thought about dating online?"

I promise, all single women in America have thought about dating online. Most of us (along with single men) have friends who met their boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses online and so we know the whole enterprise can work out really well. But you have to be ready for the dating equivalent of a rummage sale. You have to be feeling brave and game and energetic enough that a series of disappointing encounters won't sap you of your optimism.

I tried online dating for about two weeks when I was 23 and living in Iowa and had just gone through a bad breakup. I met a divorced geologist who had a 6-year-old son named Thor or Odin or something, and for our second date, I agreed to go on a night hike. I repeat: a night hike. I might as well have said that my hobbies included being murdered. We drove for half an hour out of Iowa City, and then marched off into the wilderness along with a flashlight, my dog and a few cans of PBR. Pretty soon a man wearing a headlamp and carrying a rifle came walking out of the night. "What're you out for?" the geologist asked. "Coon," replied the man before disappearing again.

I wasn't murdered, and I didn't fall for the geologist. When he dropped me off after our hike, I was worried he would try to kiss me, and so I hugged him goodbye with an empty can of PBR in one hand and a full bag of dog poop in the other. Not long afterward, I decided I was too raw from my breakup to be online, and right as I went to deactivate my account, I got a message from a cop in Cedar Rapids. He was, to be blunt, crazy hot, but he mixed up "your" and "you're." I debated for a few minutes while studying a hunky photo of him wakeboarding, and then wrote back, telling him I'd decided it wasn't a good time for me to be dating.

I still regret that one. Apostrophes are overrated.

3. "Just play the field! It's so exciting!"

The problem with playing the field is that, in practice, it usually means spending time with people you don't like very much and probably having some not-great sex with them. Then, if you meet someone you like and with whom you have good sex and he likes you too, you usually lose interest in the rest. There's this idea floating around that playing the field means twirling like Marilyn Monroe from the arms of one handsome tuxedoed man to the next, winking and vamping. But, in practice, you end up in bars very late at night, your standards dropping by the minute, looking around and wondering if you should just bite the bullet and go home with that creepy guy who's licking the rim of his martini glass at you because, after all, you're supposed to be playing the field and it's supposed to be exciting.

4. "If I were in a different place in my life, I would want to be with you."

This has been said to me by two different guys. On both occasions, I was hurt but also kind of awestruck by the mighty ego that could generate such an obnoxious sentence. The first time, a boyfriend was breaking up with me, and I think he was trying to soften the blow and also suggest a narrative in which we would go our separate ways, sample life's many delights and then eventually reunite. The second time, someone I wasn't actually romantically interested in offered me that lovely sentence as, I think, a compliment. All it really means is, "You're not right for me, but I'm such a catch I don't want to devastate you all at once, and I would also like it if you continued to lavish me with attention, please." 

I'm not underestimating the importance of timing, however. People do separate and come back together, and that seems natural and actually pretty romantic. But nobody wants to feel like they're being put in storage while their future partner sows his wild oats. Men of Earth: If you think you need more time, you’re just going to have to zip your lip, cross your fingers and let her go. 

5. "Is this your boyfriend?"

When you're single and you show up somewhere with a dude, even a dude who is, say, your uncle and, you'd like to think, obviously not your boyfriend, some people demand an immediate verbal explanation of your relationship. The boyfriend question is especially awkward when the dude in question is someone you wouldn't mind having as a boyfriend or at least as a make-out partner, and you don't want to ruin things by saying either, "Fingers crossed!" or, out of nervousness, "Him? No. Just friends." We are not walking, talking Facebook profiles. We are, sometimes, just a couple of people hanging out, seeing what happens. 

6. "Maybe you should freeze your eggs."

Maybe. And maybe you should get a nose job. Or maybe you should have some other invasive, expensive, elective medical procedure that I will suggest in a cavalier manner. 

6b. "Tick-tock!"

Fertility is a big deal. It is the source of anxiety, frustration and heartbreak for lots of women. And, day to day, there’s not all that much a girl can do about it except hope that if she wants kids, when she wants kids, she'll be able to have them. So, doing your best clock impression is not helpful. This isn't an episode of 24. This is my uterus.

7. "Maybe you're trying too hard/not trying hard enough."

As long as you're out there living your life in a way that, when you look back in 20 years, it won't seem like wasted time (for example: "that time I dated a sociopath for four years because I was afraid no one else would not-love me the same way") or pointless wallowing (for example: Cheetos, Real Housewives), I think you're doing great. People will say things about your singleness that will rub you the wrong way, even when they mean well, and people will also say the right thing at the right time. I'm not saying we single ones aren't allowed to feel sad about being alone sometimes or to long for a partner. I'm just saying it's a huge bummer that our culture operates on the assumption that singleness equals unhappiness, especially for women. Being simultaneously single and female is not a situation that automatically calls for consolation, strategizing, faux-commiseration, tiptoeing, reassurance, cheerleading, tarot-card reading, life-coaching or detective work. I think it's worth trying to make the best of the single times because—believe me—when you realize you’re alone and content, it's a moment of real liberation. 

But, also, don't worry. He's totally out there. 

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Single-Women

Online Dating Profile Clichés to Avoid – and How to Write an Original Profile

Ever skimmed a dating profile and seen one or more of these lines?

• “I love to travel.”
• “I’m laid back, easy-going, and love to have a good time.”
• “I’m looking for someone honest, caring and kind.”
• “I don’t really know what to write on one of these things.”
• “My family is really important to me.”

They sound pretty familiar, right? That’s because you’ve seen them, or their variations, on numerous dating profiles.

You expect to see one or more every time you visit a new page – the same old lines about looking for someone with a sense of humour, or how people notice their eyes, or about how they’re not too sure how to describe themselves.

It can get pretty boring reading the same clichés over and over, and after a while it becomes hard to distinguish one profile from another. “Which guy was this one again? The one who loves hanging out with his friends on a Friday night?”

By the same token, it’s extremely refreshing when you come across a profile that doesn’t feature these tried and tired phrases. When someone’s taken the time out to make their page even just a little bit original, it’s like water in the desert – a reminder that not everyone out there’s saying the same four things about themselves and what they’re looking for.

But why are these clichés such a turn-off, and how can you avoid using them in your own dating profile? After all – if your goal is to attract people, you want to create a profile that really stands out. And that’s going to take a little bit more thought than just posting a few pictures and talking about how you love to have fun.

What’s an online dating cliché?

When we talk about clichés, we’re referring to the same overused few lines people tend to use when talking about themselves on their dating profiles. They’re generic, obvious statements that appear time and time again in the profiles of men and women the world over.

Clichés are overused for good reason. More often than not, they’re true. Lots of people do love to travel, go out on a Friday night, enjoy a beer after work or work out at the gym. And it’s important to be honest about the things you enjoy doing and what you’re looking for in a date.

We’re not advocating that you start talking about your love of Russian opera or your time spent in a yurt in Tibet just so you can appear “original”. We’re just here to suggest other ways to say something that people will find familiar. Because, if you hear a cliché too many times, you start to doubt it’s true.

The classic online dating clichés

• “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… “
• “I’m equally as comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt as I am in a cocktail dress and heels.”
• “The most important things in my life are my iPhone and my family… not in that order.”
• “I love going out, but I’m just as happy staying in.”
• “People tend to notice my eyes and my smile.”
• “There’s no such thing as a typical Friday night for me.”
• “I work hard and play hard.”
• “I’m shy at first, until you get to know me.”
• “I’m terrible at talking about myself.”
• “I’m looking for someone who knows what he/she wants.”
• “I’m looking for a partner in crime.”
• “I’m looking for someone with a great sense of humour.”
• “I like to have fun and enjoy life.”
• “I hate playing games and I don’t want any drama.”

It’s hard to tell what this girl’s really like because there’s nothing about the above to distinguish her from other users.

So what’s so bad about clichés, anyway?

Now you may be reading the above and thinking, “Well, what’s so bad about saying that? It’s true, isn’t it?” You may even be wondering whether you, too, might have used some of the above phrases when talking about yourself online. But they can often be a turn-off for other users.

Here’s why:

• They make you sound boring: Talking about how much you love the beach or how you’re looking for someone who can make you laugh gives others the impression that there’s nothing particularly special about you, and that you like the same generic things everybody else likes.
• They make you sound predictable: Dating is all about the excitement of discovering new things about a new person. All humans are complex, multi-layered beings with so many different characteristics. Don’t give someone the impression they can figure you out just by reading your “about me” section.
• They make you sound like you haven’t put in any effort: If nothing else, clichés are lazy. A profile littered with the same old tired lines about your pets or your iPhone just makes the writer sound uninterested in taking the process seriously.
• They don’t get you attention: Users whose profiles are heavy on the clichés tend to get fewer messages and responses than those whose profiles show thought, originality and a genuine sense of humour.

How to say it better

While there’s nothing wrong with using a couple of these lines when you genuinely know them to be true, there’s almost always a better way to say the same thing. Here are a few ways to avoid writing the same thing as everybody else and make your profile to stand out:

• Be specific: Talk about your interests in detail, rather than generally. For example, talk about eating fish and chips by the ocean at sunset instead of just saying you love the beach. If you love working out, talk about training for a marathon or hiking in the mountains rather than just going to the gym. Don’t just say you love to read. Tell us about the last great book you read and why it made you think.
• Be cheeky: Make light-hearted references to those clichés you’ve been learning to hate. You could write something like, “I’m not into games. Unless of course you mean Scrabble… in which case you better bet I’ll beat you.” Readers will be relieved to know you’re not completely oblivious and they’ll feel like you’re in on the joke.
• Be honest and sincere: If you really take the time to sincerely write about yourself, you may be surprised to learn you can come up with original, honest and meaningful things to say about yourself and what you’re looking for in a partner. Part of the frustration with clichés is they seem insincere or disingenuous.
• Tell a story: Give your readers a chance to get to know you on a deeper level by sharing witty anecdotes from your life. It doesn’t have to be anything too personal – just a few lines about a moment in your life that was important to you.

Here are a few examples of clichéd responses on dating profiles and ways in which to edit them to make them sound a little more original:

Example #1:

This user has listed a few interests that sound very generic – everybody loves doing at least one of these activities when they have time off.

Try…

Example #2:

Not only is this answer completely uninteresting, it’s also too short to get a sense of what they’re really looking for. Again – this user hasn’t spent much time thinking of a creative or unique answer, which is a turn-off.

Try…

Example #3:

This answer REALLY doesn’t give the reader much to work with, and makes the user look like they’re too lazy to come up with anything original or interesting. They also sound disinterested in online dating in general, which sort of defeats the purpose.

Try…

When in doubt, try thinking about the ways in which your friends would describe you – or better yet, just ask them! This response isn’t cliché because it comes across as genuine and sincere. So even though the words themselves are not drastically original, the user has clearly put thought and effort into crafting their response, which piques the reader’s interest and makes them want to learn more.

Last but not least

The most appealing thing you can do when creating your dating profile is just to be yourself. Let your guard down and let yourself push past beyond the words that come most easily. While online dating isn’t therapy, it is a great way to learn more about yourself and what you want in a partner. You’ll avoid being a cliché by being sincere, honest and open, and other users will notice and appreciate it.

If you found this advice useful or have any additional thoughts, why not share it on Facebook or email it to a friend?

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2013/12/online-dating-profile-cliches-to-avoid-and-how-to-write-an-original-profile#.UshVS_RdXnc

How To Stop Thinking You’ll Be Alone Forever

 Forever is an incredibly long time. I think, apart from our own company – nothing in our lives really lasts forever. But when we’re looking for a partner and not succeeding, and we feel we’ve been single for way too long (Months? Years? – definition of “a long time” can be very subjective), that horrible thought almost inevitably creeps in: ‘Will I ever find someone? What if I stay alone forever?’

I could bet you right here right now for any amount – you won’t stay single forever, unless you really want to. And if you could step away from the fear, you would know, deep down – it’s very unlikely you’ll stay alone for the next 10 or 60 years of your life. Maybe a few max. Two or three. If you are actively looking, it will very rarely be much longer.

I know it’s hard to listen to the voice of reason when emotions are shouting louder. And that’s fine. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there – there were periods of my singleness which – of course – never lasted longer than those few years, but there and then they sure seemed like they will go just go on and on… forever. Desperation takes over easily when you feel you’re trying so hard and nothing is happening.

I can’t tell you when you’ll meet your next long-term partner – but I can give you a few tips to manage that fear better. I do believe it’s the anxiety of not knowing “how long” that creates most of the singleness-misery, not the actual wait itself. If you knew the exact date in the future when you’ll meet your match, you’d probably feel pretty OK about your life right now. Am I right?

But since neither of us knows that, let’s see what else we can do… while we’re waiting.

Step one – change your thoughts: do a reality check. What grounds you have to believe you will stay single? Think about your life 5 or 10 years back. All the big things that happened in that period. Were you single all the time? Most likely no. Most likely A LOT happened in your life in 2 years, let alone 10. Jobs, schools, places, friends, partners – all change. Even faster than we sometimes want them to. So if all those things happened then, why wouldn’t they happen in the next 10 years of your life? Where’s the proof that everything will stay as is? I dare you find one.

Another reality check: if you see a lot of people around you settling down, that doesn’t mean everyone but you is hooking up, you are just noticing those people more. Try looking for single people instead – in real life, in media, anywhere you can spot them. Count them against the ones who are not. Do that for at least few weeks, or until you have enough evidence that the world is not comprised only of couples. Especially not happy couples. Yes, people in couples are not necessarily happier than you either. (But that’s a whole other topic… for another post.)

Step two – change your life: put the rest of your life under control, as much as you can. That will make you feel less hopeless and helpless. If you get what you want in other areas of life, you will feel more confident you can do it in your love life as well.

Focus on doing more things you love and enjoy. If you are unhappy in your job – look for one that will make you feel better. If you want to lose some extra weight – go ahead, make a plan and lose it. If you are passionate about any sports/art/craft/music/hobby – do it. Take classes. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your life. Make your single days count.

The more you feel you are in control of your life – the happier you feel, the better you look, the more you smile, the more fun you have. More moments of genuine bliss. Less time to pity yourself for being single. And you’re not putting your life on hold while he or she arrives.

As you do that, you’ll start attracting a much more interesting bunch of people in your life. And yes, that includes potential partners too. People get drawn to your energy, liveliness, your confidence, your spark. When you feel you are in the right place, and you believe love can happen for you: the right partner will come, without a doubt.

LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS

Are you afraid you’ll stay single? Please share why you think this way. Thank you!

http://petralovecoach.com/2013/05/28/how-to-stop-thinking-youll-be-alone-forever/

Are You (Really) Ready for a Relationship? Here’s How to Tell…

Calling all singles: Think you’re ready for a relationship? Now is the time to check in with yourself and determine whether you really and truly are ready for a relationship. Though you may tell yourself you’re sure you’re ready and really want to settle down with someone, you first have to look at your behavior. Ultimately, your behavior – not what you say – is the truth-teller.

A recent session with a client of mine in his late 20s perfectly reflects the push-pull between what we think we want versus what we actually want. Jake sat on the green corduroy couch in my office and played with the zipper on his hoodie. He talked about his erratic love life and had just finished recounting yet another experience he’d had, this time with a woman he met the previous Saturday night. “I just really want a girlfriend,” he proclaimed, looking out the window and letting out a big sigh. In one quick sentence, he summed up what he thought he wanted.

Simply put, I saw things differently. Jake didn’t really want a girlfriend, as much as he tried to tell himself otherwise. How did I know? Because his behavior told me what he actually wanted. Note that Jake spent most weekends hitting the bars with his buddies and having hookups that never went anywhere. Did Jake’s behavior show that all he wanted was to hookup? That he was in total denial when he said that he wanted a girlfriend? With Jake, as with most people, the reality is not so black and white. The truth is that Jake was conflicted: A part of him wanted real intimacy with a girlfriend, while the other part enjoyed the highs that came with hookups.

In short, Jake’s behavior showed that he was not truly ready for a healthy romantic relationship. In order to get there, he would need to become more discerning in terms of who he was intimate with; self-medicate less with the highs of alcohol and other exploits; and mix up his weekend routine with more diverse activities than going to the same ol’ bars and clubs. What’s more, Jake is not alone. I know and work with many men and women who say they want a real relationship while their behavior clearly indicates otherwise.

When it comes to you and your love life, your behavior is the first place to start when asking yourself if you’re really ready for a relationship. The only way you’re going to find and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is if you start it on a reasonably solid foundation, which means that you need to have your (bleep) together.

When you’re truly ready for a good adult relationship, your behaviors will reflect how balanced you are. Take a look at some of the requirements for being ready for a relationship below.

1. Your church is not a bar or nightclub. Going out to bars or nightclubs isn’t necessarily a bad thing or a deterrent to finding a good relationship. The issue is more about how you feel and act when you’re there which indicates whether you’re really ready for a relationship. If you’re drinking a lot when you go out, you’re not in a position to start a good relationship. Sure, you can meet someone, but it’s not your best self you’re putting forward, so you’re going to end up with someone who’s not good for you. If you love to go out but want a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it: Introduce yourself to people and, when you meet someone you like, make plans to see them in a different environment.

2. You’ve reflected on why your past relationships didn’t work. There’s no riper time to play The Blame Game than when you end a relationship. Everyone loves to point the finger at the other person, but it takes two people to mess up a relationship. When you’re really ready for another relationship, you can look back on past relationships and see which behaviors you engaged in that were unhealthy and counterproductive. What’s more, when you look back at those relationships, you don’t feel — wait for it – bitter. You might feel angry at your ex for good reasons, but you don’t feel bitter (a feeling that’s a mix of anger and hopelessness).

3. You have retired from the drama. Not only can you understand why past relationships didn’t work, you can now safely say – and feel it with emotion – that you have retired from the drama that comes with bad relationships and are ready to calm down and have a real adult relationship. When you hear friends talk about their exploits with so-and-so who stood them up or their fights followed by crazy make-up sex, you sigh and remind yourself that you have no place for that drama any longer in your life. You feel wiser, more mature, and know more than ever before what you want and need from your next partner.

The goal for everyone is to match what they say they want with the behavior they engage in, and that is a lot more difficult than it sounds. However, if you look more closely at your feelings and your behavior, you will be one step closer to a relationship that’s good for you. Just imagine!

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/03/04/how-to-know-if-youre-really-ready-for-a-relationship/#.Uihavja1Hnc

9 Subtle Ways To Flirt With Men

Ways to Flirt with Men range from openly asking them out to shyly staring at him from the corner. But, as with anything else in life, there is a happy medium and plenty of subtle ways to flirt with men! The key isn't as tricky as many people might would think! There are a few subtle yet attention-grabbing things you can do to make sure his eyes are on you all evening long! It doesn't matter if you are married, in a relationship or single-these tips will give you some great ways to flirt with men! Whether it's the one you have or the one you plan to get, you'll be so glad you read this article that is bursting with super fabulous tips on ways to flirt with men!

1. BE PLAYFUL-A GREAT WAY TO FLIRT WITH MEN

Men love a woman who can laugh and smile along with the rest of them so remember not to be too uptight and stiff! Go with the flow and make little jokes and tease him. Just don't be TOO much of a tease and stay away from any sort of teasing that could be taken in the wrong way! If a guy thinks you are making fun of him, you can bet he won't be asking for your number at the end of the night!

2. WEAR A DRESS

One of the best ways to flirt with men without needing to say a single word is by putting on a girly, floaty, feminine dress! Guys love it when a girl wears a dress or a skirt. Remember, part of flirting is all in the attitude, so if you want to come across as flirty, you need to feel flirty. Wearing a dress is a great way to achieve that!

3. SMILE AT HIM

Think about it: How many guys would you be interested in if all they did was frown at you? No one likes a sour face! Suck on a mint, slap on some gloss, use whitening strips-whatever you need to do in order to flash those pearly whites! And catch and hold his gaze from across a room if you want him to know you are interested in talking to him a bit more later on!

4. TOUCH HIM LIGHTLY

It doesn't take much to get a guy's pulse pounding a little harder and one of my favorite ways to do that and one of the best ways to flirt with men is by lightly touching him while you are having a conversation. How's that for killing two birds with one stone! Tap his forearm while you converse together, brush shoulders when you walk past him or graze his leg as you sit beside him. He will notice, believe me!

5.COMPLIMENT HIM-A SUREFIRE WAY TO FLIRT WITH MEN

Men love to be admired and have their ego stroked, especially by women. And complimenting a guy is one of the best ways to flirt with him! So find something to mention to him that will stand out. Be sincere about it, but let him know that you noticed! 

6. BE INTERESTED

If you want to know one of the most effective ways to flirt with men, it's by showing interest. If a guy doesn't think you care, he may not give you a second glance no matter how pretty you are! Ask him about his work, his hobbies and what he likes to do. Look at him when he talks to you and make eye contact. Just be careful not to pry into personal areas of his life right away!

7. PAY ATTENTION TO HIM

When there is a roomful of cute, available guys, it can be easy to move on to the next one if the one you're talking to doesn't seem very interesting at first. But in order to get HIS attention, you need to make him feel like you aren't scoping out all the other guys in the room! Talk and look at HIM, even if his buddies are standing nearby. This shows him you are interested in HIM even though there are other fish in the sea!

8. BITE YOUR LOWER LIP

I've heard many guys say that it's sexy when a girl bites her lower lip softly. It's one of the many ways to flirt with a guy, so give it a shot! Just don't overdo it. You don't want to come across as nervous or chew off all your lipstick. Every now and then for emphasis is just fine!

9. BE RELAXED

Guys can sense when a girl is nervous or scared. So try not to be too uptight! Relax, be yourself and let the mood flow. That's the best piece of advice I can give you on ways to flirt with men. He will know if you are being sincere with him and it will all be downhill from there!

I hope you enjoyed my article with ways to flirt with men. As women, flirting is one of our natural rights, isn't it? Of course! And it pays to know the best ways to flirt with men! So use them as often as you can! Just use discretion and most importantly-have fun! Do you have any great tips or ways to flirt with men? Please comment below and thanks for reading!

http://love.allwomenstalk.com/subtle-ways-to-flirt-with-men