5 Lies You Hear About Finding Love After Divorce

When you start all over after a divorce you get a lot of misinformation about what's out there -- and what you deserve. After I split with my husband of 16 years I was almost certain I'd just spend the rest of my life single. I was ready for that. And it's because of everything I was hearing about dating and relationships after divorce. I have to say, the landscape looked treacherous from where I stood. But maybe I was listening to the wrong voices? It turns out, when it comes to finding love again after divorce, it's not as complicated or difficult as you'd think. Forget the unhelpful noise you hear -- like these 5 bits of popular wisdom.

1. You're damaged goods. Something about surviving a bad relationship makes people feel less lovable, for some reason. The stigma of divorce is fading (finally, thank goodness!) but it's still hard to shake that feeling that you deserve less. But that's bunk. You are a survivor, and you deserve good love. Period.

Instead, consider your experience and what you have to offer your "social price," as Dr. David Anderson puts it. "The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price."

2. It's slim pickings out there. That's what I hear all the time, especially from my single friends. And to a certain extent, they're right. Dysfunctional man-baby knuckleheads abound. But there are also men who are kind and mature; They've had the same kinds of ups and downs in love that all of us have, and that's why they're still single.

3. Time is running out. Just after I split with my husband I felt this pressure, like I had just a couple years left of being attractive before I hit my old hag years. That's bananas. I mean, I should have more faith in my ability to age well. But that aside, this isn't a race. The men my age are getting older, too. We're aging together. And you need to let thing unfold in their own time or risk making a hasty mistake: The rebound relationship.

4. You're going to ruin your new relationship with your old baggage. You're not -- if you've done the work and are paying attention. Be present in the moment so you can be aware of old patterns of thinking or feeling creeping in. Remember you're dealing with a new person, not your ex. Also, everyone has baggage, not just divorced people.

5. A new relationship will make you whole again. It won't. You need to find out how to be a whole person on your own, first, before you find a new person to love. You can't use a new relationship to heal from the last one.

What's the most surprising thing you learned about finding love after divorce?

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/171526/5_lies_you_hear_about

Ten Great Things about Dating in Your 40s and 50s

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For those of you in your 40s or 50s who are recently divorced, widowed, or just eager to re-partner, dating again can be daunting. Perhaps it’s been a while since you’ve been “on the market”. You may want to think and act like a 25-year-old, but your seasoning tells another tale and may actually improve the chances for success.

The truth is that dating does change when you get older…and, in many ways, for the better. The paradox is that your maturity offers you many advantages over the youthful daters. Here’s why.

1. There is no ticking of the biological clock. Without the pressures of getting married and having children, you can enter into relationships for the “right” reasons, not because you are running out of fertile years.

2. Men and women in their 40s and 50s are generally more self-assured. They know what they want out of a relationship, what they are looking for in a mate and are not afraid to ask for it.

3. Your identity is more clearly defined. You are, therefore, more likely to depend on yourself, not your partner, to solve your own dilemmas.

4. You have learned from your previous relationship experiences. You can take inventory of what time has taught you so that you do not fall into old traps. Knowing yourself better and being able to size up others more skillfully gives you a big advantage.

5. You likely have greater financial freedom to enjoy fancy dinners and getaways. The days of scraping together enough money for a movie are over!

6. Romance is more enjoyable. You are more sexually confident and liberated than you were in your youth.

7. You have figured out what is important. You can put away the “list” of perfect characteristics that you are seeking in your date. Physical appearance, the type of car one drives and other status symbols take a back seat to more important personal attributes.

8. You have gained perspective. Not every aspect of your romantic life feels critical.

9. Your personal power is solid and secure. You have won and you have lost. You have made friends and let them go when they were not supportive. You can handle life’s ups and downs with grace.

10. As two independent people with separate lives, you are probably more capable than your younger counterparts to nurture the three entities needed for a healthy partnership; “I,” “You,” and “We.”

With enhanced self-awareness and father/mother-time on your side, there is a greater likelihood that you will make better choices, avoid previous destructive patterns, and build more lasting relationships. However, in some respects dating in your 40s and 50s is quite similar to dating in your 20s and 30s. The following are some common sense dating principles that apply across the generations.

1. Profit from your past mistakes. Know what baggage to check at the door. History has a way of repeating itself unless you mindfully replace your old dependencies and fears with new patterns of behavior.

2. Be proactive in creating opportunities. Whether you are engaging in online dating or joining a group where you will meet people with similar interests, don’t wait for something to happen.  Seek out as many opportunities as possible.

3. Recognize the power you have to be successful in your dating pursuits and use it. Seek out people who interest you, with eye contact, a smile or a simple “hello” rather than waiting for them to choose you.

4. Don’t waste time with people who don’t treat you well.

5. Even if you are not interested, be kind and respectful to people who show an interest in you.

6. Try not to focus heavily on the negatives. Not everything your date says or does will sit well with you. Try to see your potential partner as a whole person, recognizing the things you find endearing as well as the ones you see as negative.

7. Communicate. Silence is not always safe.  Don’t assume you and your partner see things in the same way or that your partner can read your mind. Take ownership of what is yours and communicate it honestly and directly.

8. Don’t assume the worst. Moments will arise when your judgment about your partner will be put to the test. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions. Like you, your partner is imperfect and deserves the benefit of the doubt.

9. Don’t rain on your partner’s parade. It is not possible that your “I” and your partner’s “I” will be perfectly compatible. Keep in mind that a good relationship is based on each person’s ability to be supportive of those differences.

Those of you in your 40s and 50s are in a wonderful period of your lives. You are beyond the confusion of your 20s and 30s and have clarified many of your major life values. Your priorities are in order and you know the benefits of being real. Go for it! You are in the driver’s seat!

What do you like about dating as you get older?

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/ten-great-advantages-to-dating-in-your-40s-and-50s/#.UuWRBBDFKM8

10 Unexpected Places to Meet Men.

SKIP THE CLUB AND TRY THESE PLACES INSTEAD

Tired of bars and online dating sites? It can be tough to meet men, especially if you limit yourself to looking for them in the tired old standbys. Hit up these 10 unexpected places -- with a smile and an open mind, you never know who you might meet.

Hospital cafeteria

You have to eat. Cute, single doctors have to eat. Why not do it in the same place?

Grocery store

Everyone has to go to the grocery store, even single guys. To make this spot work, shop during guy-friendly hours (skip first thing Saturday morning), and cruise the man-magnet aisles (think: chips).

Bookstore café

Take your laptop to your nearest bookstore to browse for men. Sidling up to share an outlet is a great conversation starter. Hint: Go during normal business hours if you're looking for a self-employed or flex-schedule man.

Dog park

Hit up your local dog park with your pup before work. Popular parks are filled with guys and their dogs burning off some energy before a long day. A mutual love for all things dog will help the conversation flow.

Movie rental store

If your city is lucky enough to still have a rental store -- or even a Redbox -- flip off your movie channels and give your rental card a workout! You're far less likely to meet a guy while watching cable at home than hitting up a rental store.

Airport

I worked with a girl who met her now-husband when an airline lost their bags. They hit it off while filling out lost-luggage forms, and the rest is history! The airport is filled with people milling around, bored and grouchy. Make the airport work for you by putting a smile on your face and striking up a conversation with the nearest ring-free man.

The gym

Skip fancy spa/gym combos. Join a bare-bones gym, and you'll encounter more guys than you would at a posh workout center. Bonus: The monthly membership fees at these man-friendly gyms are usually much lower than at full-service gyms.

Volunteering

Sign up to do something you love: a Habitat for Humanity build, dog walking at an animal shelter, collecting signatures for a petition. Not only will you get out and among a new crowd, you'll be mingling with like-minded men.

Networking events

Yes, most people who attend these things are focused on work. But these events draw a crowd, a crowd that usually includes a handful of unattached men. Go ahead -- mix business with pleasure!

Standing in line. Anywhere.

The post office, the auto shop -- even the dentist. Wherever people have to wait in line, you're bound to encounter men. And because you're both getting stamps/oil changes/teeth cleaned, you have something in common already.





http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/850715/10-unexpected-places-to-meet-men

Finding Love Again After a Break-Up

How and When to Date After Breaking Up

We have all been through it, and sometimes after biting the bullet, we just gnaw on it for a while, not knowing what to do to get on with our love life after the break up of a relationship. But if relationships are important to you, psychologists suggest that the way you deal with the aftermath is equally significant and can be a predictor of things to come and of how well those future relationships will go for you.

The break up of a relationship is not an acute event in the timeline of your dating history; all relationships go through phases, and the ending of a relationship is another phase in the continuum of the connection between you and your significant other. The catalyst is often a particular episode, but the process is ongoing.

Sometimes the break starts as soon as you begin to get to know each other, and as soon as your partner’s annoying little idiosyncrasies and habits start to get under your skin. But the little things that tend to grow into significant differences and push you apart from one another are often eclipsed in the beginning, by the blinding rays of love and the intoxicating enjoyment of romance.

Eventually, the little dust bunnies under the sofa you sit upon to kiss can proliferate into a major need for clearing out the mess, and they may grow until the whole relationship starts to feel like housework and drudgery. If it has gone on so long that it seems like cleaning up the mess would be harder than just canceling your lease and moving to a fresh new apartment, you have serious trouble on your hands. You may need to break up and make a fresh start, for the sake of both of you, because sometimes people just don’t have the right combination of chemistry to endure a long relationship.

After all, there are other things tickling you under the skin too, and those can feel so delightful that they often keep us from examining the underlying problems we have with our partner.

While you are swept away by the giddiness of it all and are busy sweeping your small issues of discontent under the rug, they sometimes take on a life of their own, as they start to grow in rather invisible or camouflaged ways, into monolithic problems.

Don't Sweep Things Under the Carpet

Don’t break up in a way that might create more distance and less closure between you and a partner. For example, if you are going to break off a relationship, do it in person, face to face, if at all possible. This gives both of you an opportunity to clearly understand what is being said, and why. Otherwise, misunderstanding can haunt you for years. Emails are sometimes misinterpreted, phone calls don’t allow us to see each other’s body language, and no communication at all leaves us hanging, trying to figure out if we could have said or done something differently.

The exception to this rule is, of course, if your partner has been abusive in a way that is not healthy. In that case, the less contact the better.

But if you learn from your lessons of the past, you can both avoid this kind of unforeseen tragedy in future relationships. So keep an eye out for the small things, because sometimes the big picture is nothing more than a composite of all the tiny and seemingly insignificant details.

Breaking up can be looked upon as a chance to purge yourself of all the problems of the past, and although this phase of a relationship is difficult and often sad, it also holds the promise for the future. As they say “we love and learn” but we also can learn to love, by going through this kind of experience.

Some of the strongest friendships, in fact, are forged out of the remnants of old relationships that didn't quite work out – but served as a powerful and intimate foundation for a lifelong friendship.

If you are able to communicate your feelings to your partner during a break up phase, this may not only be the basis for a lasting friendship, it may also teach both of you valuable lessons about talking about your feelings. These lessons can be the answer to solving potential problems in your future relationships.

Take time to get over a break up, and if you feel that it would help, consult a professional counselor to help you deal with the aftermath of a love lost. The worst thing you can do for your relationship future is to jump out of one difficult relationship and into another one, without first taking the time in between to consider what it is you want and need from a future partner. The more time you invest in letting go, healing, and reflecting, the better your chances for a successful future relationship.

Your Wish List

Make a wish list. On one side of a piece of paper, list all the attributes you don’t want in a future relationship partner. Then burn the list and forget all the negativity it conveys. Bury the ashes if you have to, but do whatever it takes to get all of those unwanted characteristics out of your life, once and for all.

Now get out a nice fresh piece of paper. If you are feeling especially positive about yourself, you can even invest of some of that wacky new stationary that is scented to smell like bananas, strawberries, or peaches. After all, your future is going to be peachy, once you stop going bananas over the past and look to the strawberry fields of the future.

Now make a list, and make it as long as like. Write down exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, and leave no stone unturned as you turn over a new leaf. Meditate on the things you want to attract into your life, and the kind of person you want to share those with, and picture the kind of relationship partner you deserve.

You can always revise your list later, and this is a good idea, because our wants and needs change over time. The main thing is to get a really good idea of what you are looking for in another person, so that you will naturally attract them to you, and recognize a good thing when it comes along. You deserve the best, and someone out there is making a similar list, with your personal characteristics outlined to a “T”. The love of your life is out there, and it is just a matter of time.

http://www.moredating.com/magazine/23-finding-love-again-after-a-break-up