Are You (Really) Ready for a Relationship? Here’s How to Tell…

Calling all singles: Think you’re ready for a relationship? Now is the time to check in with yourself and determine whether you really and truly are ready for a relationship. Though you may tell yourself you’re sure you’re ready and really want to settle down with someone, you first have to look at your behavior. Ultimately, your behavior – not what you say – is the truth-teller.

A recent session with a client of mine in his late 20s perfectly reflects the push-pull between what we think we want versus what we actually want. Jake sat on the green corduroy couch in my office and played with the zipper on his hoodie. He talked about his erratic love life and had just finished recounting yet another experience he’d had, this time with a woman he met the previous Saturday night. “I just really want a girlfriend,” he proclaimed, looking out the window and letting out a big sigh. In one quick sentence, he summed up what he thought he wanted.

Simply put, I saw things differently. Jake didn’t really want a girlfriend, as much as he tried to tell himself otherwise. How did I know? Because his behavior told me what he actually wanted. Note that Jake spent most weekends hitting the bars with his buddies and having hookups that never went anywhere. Did Jake’s behavior show that all he wanted was to hookup? That he was in total denial when he said that he wanted a girlfriend? With Jake, as with most people, the reality is not so black and white. The truth is that Jake was conflicted: A part of him wanted real intimacy with a girlfriend, while the other part enjoyed the highs that came with hookups.

In short, Jake’s behavior showed that he was not truly ready for a healthy romantic relationship. In order to get there, he would need to become more discerning in terms of who he was intimate with; self-medicate less with the highs of alcohol and other exploits; and mix up his weekend routine with more diverse activities than going to the same ol’ bars and clubs. What’s more, Jake is not alone. I know and work with many men and women who say they want a real relationship while their behavior clearly indicates otherwise.

When it comes to you and your love life, your behavior is the first place to start when asking yourself if you’re really ready for a relationship. The only way you’re going to find and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is if you start it on a reasonably solid foundation, which means that you need to have your (bleep) together.

When you’re truly ready for a good adult relationship, your behaviors will reflect how balanced you are. Take a look at some of the requirements for being ready for a relationship below.

1. Your church is not a bar or nightclub. Going out to bars or nightclubs isn’t necessarily a bad thing or a deterrent to finding a good relationship. The issue is more about how you feel and act when you’re there which indicates whether you’re really ready for a relationship. If you’re drinking a lot when you go out, you’re not in a position to start a good relationship. Sure, you can meet someone, but it’s not your best self you’re putting forward, so you’re going to end up with someone who’s not good for you. If you love to go out but want a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it: Introduce yourself to people and, when you meet someone you like, make plans to see them in a different environment.

2. You’ve reflected on why your past relationships didn’t work. There’s no riper time to play The Blame Game than when you end a relationship. Everyone loves to point the finger at the other person, but it takes two people to mess up a relationship. When you’re really ready for another relationship, you can look back on past relationships and see which behaviors you engaged in that were unhealthy and counterproductive. What’s more, when you look back at those relationships, you don’t feel — wait for it – bitter. You might feel angry at your ex for good reasons, but you don’t feel bitter (a feeling that’s a mix of anger and hopelessness).

3. You have retired from the drama. Not only can you understand why past relationships didn’t work, you can now safely say – and feel it with emotion – that you have retired from the drama that comes with bad relationships and are ready to calm down and have a real adult relationship. When you hear friends talk about their exploits with so-and-so who stood them up or their fights followed by crazy make-up sex, you sigh and remind yourself that you have no place for that drama any longer in your life. You feel wiser, more mature, and know more than ever before what you want and need from your next partner.

The goal for everyone is to match what they say they want with the behavior they engage in, and that is a lot more difficult than it sounds. However, if you look more closely at your feelings and your behavior, you will be one step closer to a relationship that’s good for you. Just imagine!

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/03/04/how-to-know-if-youre-really-ready-for-a-relationship/#.Uihavja1Hnc

The Zen of Love: How to Attract “The One”

How many times have you heard a single woman say, “There just aren’t any good men, are there?” or “Why is it impossible to meet a great guy?” or “Where can I find an eligible man I want to date?”

All of these questions are founded on the myth that wonderful, loving, attractive, SINGLE men are in short supply, as if they       were an endangered species.

The truth is this: there ARE good men out there, you CAN meet a great guy and the men are EVERYWHERE. Really, I am not just making this up. Good men can be found on the major online dating sites, in bookstores, on tennis courts, at Starbucks, in line at the grocery store, and yes, even in churches.

So, at the risk of getting all “woo-woo” and cosmic, maybe you are asking the wrong question. Instead of lamenting the lack of great men, maybe the question you should be asking is, “How can I attract my soulmate into my life?”

Back in my Middle-Aged Babe Magnet days, the best dating advice I ever received came from a happily married friend who had met his wife after a messy divorce and several years of unfulfilled dating. He told me that he got tired of dating women who weren’t quite right for him for one reason or another. “I kept attracting the wrong kind of women,” he said. “After a while, I realized that the one thing in common with all of these not-so-great relationships was ME.”

That’s when he decided to step back from the dating world and do a little work on himself. He joined a health club and he lost weight. He joined a book club at a local community center and he started to feed his mind. He dusted off his old guitar and started to take lessons again.

In the terminology that my mother used to use, he became a better “catch.” He became more three dimensional and more interesting and more self-fulfilled. He became more comfortable in his own skin. He became the best version of himself that he could.

Keep in mind that he didn’t do all of this to make himself more attractive to the opposite sex. He did it so that he would have a better life. But, of course, the result of his “life makeover” was that he became VERY attractive to women. And he attracted exactly the woman that he of dreamed of, because now he was READY for her.

A similar thing happened to me. After dating for a couple of years and not finding “The One,” I decided to let my online dating membership expire and let fate take its course. I decided to turn over the matchmaking process to the Universe and learn to enjoy my life—with or without a mate. I realized I had been trying too hard, and it was time for me to let go.

I’ll bet you can guess the end of this story. As soon as I decided to relax and enjoy the flow of my life, I met the wonderful woman who has recently become my wife.

There really is a Zen to finding love. So if all of your efforts to find “The One” aren’t working for you, take a break from the search. Do a little self-work, and become the person to whom your soulmate will be attracted.

When the time is right and when you are ready, he will find you.

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/the-zen-of-love-how-to-attract-%E2%80%9Cthe-one%E2%80%9D/

His Checklist for Ms. Right (Even if He Doesn't Know It)

As you’re probably painfully aware of, a man can like you, get very close to you, and still not want a lasting, meaningful relationship with you. So I want to take you inside the male mind and let you know what makes a man go from just feeling casual about dating you to wanting and needing you on a deeper level. And I’m talking about a quality man – one who’s mature and grounded on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level. The kind of man you’re hoping to find in the first place. So let me shine a light on what he’s looking for in YOU.

1. HE WANTS A WOMAN HE’S INTENSELY ATTRACTED TO.

I’m not just talking about physical attraction here. That’s easy. And, as you well know, a man can feel this for you and NOT want a serious relationship. I’m referring to a deeper feeling of connection that gets him EMOTIONALLY. Men aren’t as scared of commitment and relationships as they are of being in a relationship where there’s no passion. And a common way women accidentally kill the attraction men might be feeling is by either trying too hard or by acting like the relationship is too serious too soon. There’s nothing more appealing (and attractive) to a man than a great woman who knows how to relax and have fun. Keep things light and playful from the beginning. For instance, instead of talking about what he does for a living when you meet him, ask him about what sports he plays and what drives him. Be open to going on different types of dates with him. Unpredictability keeps attraction going – for both of you.

2. HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO IS PLAYFUL.

There’s something that drives men wild and invites them into a deeper level of connection – play. Notice how men bond with each other while being active and at play. They were raised to express themselves and connect with those around them through action. Unfortunately, women can often forget this and want to talk their way into a man’s heart. But the fact is that men don’t “feel it” for you because of what you say. It’s not your words that make a man attracted to you, it’s the experiences you create with him. Watch or play sports together, be competitive in casual games like ping pong – even add a little teasing and sarcasm here and there – and you’ll really ramp up the attraction and interest.

3. HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO’S INDEPENDENT.

While an immature man may feel better about himself by being with a woman who depends on him, a quality man is just the opposite. He’s attracted to a woman because she ALREADY creates her own happiness, independent of him. She has a great life and a sense of purpose whether or not she’s in a relationship. A great guy isn’t intimidated by independence and success. What matters to a man is that a woman still has space in her life for a great relationship and is grounded and present when she’s with him. So, it bears repeating: never give up your interests or take time away from the important things in your life for a man. Now, when you ARE with him, really BE with him. Have fun, be present, and let him know how much you enjoy him.

4. HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO IS EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

No matter how great things are going with a guy, inevitably a situation will come up where you and a man will see something differently and misunderstand each other. How will you respond to this and share your feelings? How a woman handles her emotions is one of the most important things men look for when deciding whether or not to get serious with a woman. If she lets her emotions get out of control, this is a big red flag to him. So, a woman who shares her feelings in an honest and authentic way – rather than judging or blaming him – is incredibly attractive to a man. And it signals to him that she’ll be a great partner to him…for the long term.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/his-checklist-for-ms-right-even-if-he-doesnt-know-it/#.Ue5k6I1wqO0

Low Self Esteem and How It Affects Dating Relationships

Low self esteem doesn't see race, sex, age, religion, martial status, height, weight, or any other label or category you could possibly attach yourself to. Unfortunately, low self esteem isn't something you can plan for, either. But low self esteem is something you can change - with a bit of hard work and patience. First however, let's discuss how low self esteem affects dating relationships.

Characteristics of Someone With Low Self Esteem

In general terms, people who suffer from low self esteem may feel or behave in some of the following ways:

• Practice a larger-than-normal amount of negative self talk, such as, "Why would anyone ever want to date me?" or, "I don't deserve a loving partner";


• Act destructively towards oneself and/or others, such as self-sabotaging behaviors or being overly critical;


• Apologize frequently and/or exhibit self-doubting behaviors;


• Need constant feedback from outside sources;


• Unable to receive or accept compliments;


• Focus on one's perceived flaws; and


• Become so much of a perfectionist that basic tasks don't get finished for fear of failure.

Did you recognize yourself in any of those points? Its nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, many people suffer from periodic bouts of low self esteem. Recognizing that you may be on a bit of a downswing is ok, because at least you can see there is an issue and work towards doing something about it.

How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships

In a nutshell, when you think poorly of yourself, it shows. Like a bad stain smack in the middle of a white t-shirt, low self esteem is hard to miss, offputting, and ultimately detrimental to any and all relationships, dating or otherwise. So trying to attract a loving, beneficial partner when suffering from low self esteem is an uphill battle, at best.

As well, a nasty side effect of having low self esteem is the uncanny ability to find love in all the wrong ways and places. Think about it: how many times have you given parts of yourself to another in the hopes that they'd love you in return? Unfortunately, many people with low self esteem admit that they have.

In a way, low self esteem in a dating relationship becomes a sort of a push-pull: the person suffering from low self esteem has convinced themselves that they aren't lovable, yet attempts are made to get the person they are dating to try and prove otherwise. This is a potentially self-defeating, demoralizing and damaging state of affairs, and one that may repeat until the person afflicted chooses to do something about it.

http://dating.about.com/od/confidenceselfesteem/qt/lowselfesteem.htm

Finding Love Again After a Break-Up

How and When to Date After Breaking Up

We have all been through it, and sometimes after biting the bullet, we just gnaw on it for a while, not knowing what to do to get on with our love life after the break up of a relationship. But if relationships are important to you, psychologists suggest that the way you deal with the aftermath is equally significant and can be a predictor of things to come and of how well those future relationships will go for you.

The break up of a relationship is not an acute event in the timeline of your dating history; all relationships go through phases, and the ending of a relationship is another phase in the continuum of the connection between you and your significant other. The catalyst is often a particular episode, but the process is ongoing.

Sometimes the break starts as soon as you begin to get to know each other, and as soon as your partner’s annoying little idiosyncrasies and habits start to get under your skin. But the little things that tend to grow into significant differences and push you apart from one another are often eclipsed in the beginning, by the blinding rays of love and the intoxicating enjoyment of romance.

Eventually, the little dust bunnies under the sofa you sit upon to kiss can proliferate into a major need for clearing out the mess, and they may grow until the whole relationship starts to feel like housework and drudgery. If it has gone on so long that it seems like cleaning up the mess would be harder than just canceling your lease and moving to a fresh new apartment, you have serious trouble on your hands. You may need to break up and make a fresh start, for the sake of both of you, because sometimes people just don’t have the right combination of chemistry to endure a long relationship.

After all, there are other things tickling you under the skin too, and those can feel so delightful that they often keep us from examining the underlying problems we have with our partner.

While you are swept away by the giddiness of it all and are busy sweeping your small issues of discontent under the rug, they sometimes take on a life of their own, as they start to grow in rather invisible or camouflaged ways, into monolithic problems.

Don't Sweep Things Under the Carpet

Don’t break up in a way that might create more distance and less closure between you and a partner. For example, if you are going to break off a relationship, do it in person, face to face, if at all possible. This gives both of you an opportunity to clearly understand what is being said, and why. Otherwise, misunderstanding can haunt you for years. Emails are sometimes misinterpreted, phone calls don’t allow us to see each other’s body language, and no communication at all leaves us hanging, trying to figure out if we could have said or done something differently.

The exception to this rule is, of course, if your partner has been abusive in a way that is not healthy. In that case, the less contact the better.

But if you learn from your lessons of the past, you can both avoid this kind of unforeseen tragedy in future relationships. So keep an eye out for the small things, because sometimes the big picture is nothing more than a composite of all the tiny and seemingly insignificant details.

Breaking up can be looked upon as a chance to purge yourself of all the problems of the past, and although this phase of a relationship is difficult and often sad, it also holds the promise for the future. As they say “we love and learn” but we also can learn to love, by going through this kind of experience.

Some of the strongest friendships, in fact, are forged out of the remnants of old relationships that didn't quite work out – but served as a powerful and intimate foundation for a lifelong friendship.

If you are able to communicate your feelings to your partner during a break up phase, this may not only be the basis for a lasting friendship, it may also teach both of you valuable lessons about talking about your feelings. These lessons can be the answer to solving potential problems in your future relationships.

Take time to get over a break up, and if you feel that it would help, consult a professional counselor to help you deal with the aftermath of a love lost. The worst thing you can do for your relationship future is to jump out of one difficult relationship and into another one, without first taking the time in between to consider what it is you want and need from a future partner. The more time you invest in letting go, healing, and reflecting, the better your chances for a successful future relationship.

Your Wish List

Make a wish list. On one side of a piece of paper, list all the attributes you don’t want in a future relationship partner. Then burn the list and forget all the negativity it conveys. Bury the ashes if you have to, but do whatever it takes to get all of those unwanted characteristics out of your life, once and for all.

Now get out a nice fresh piece of paper. If you are feeling especially positive about yourself, you can even invest of some of that wacky new stationary that is scented to smell like bananas, strawberries, or peaches. After all, your future is going to be peachy, once you stop going bananas over the past and look to the strawberry fields of the future.

Now make a list, and make it as long as like. Write down exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, and leave no stone unturned as you turn over a new leaf. Meditate on the things you want to attract into your life, and the kind of person you want to share those with, and picture the kind of relationship partner you deserve.

You can always revise your list later, and this is a good idea, because our wants and needs change over time. The main thing is to get a really good idea of what you are looking for in another person, so that you will naturally attract them to you, and recognize a good thing when it comes along. You deserve the best, and someone out there is making a similar list, with your personal characteristics outlined to a “T”. The love of your life is out there, and it is just a matter of time.

http://www.moredating.com/magazine/23-finding-love-again-after-a-break-up