5 Reasons Why Falling In Love Is So Hard

Hitch (Widescreen Edition)

1. Labels terrify some people and uncertainty terrifies  

others.

For whatever reason, modern dating has become a foggy, confusing, vague limbo in which people are together when they’re physically together, but unclear what they are if they have so much as a wall between them. See, commitment issues or some ulterior motives keep many beating around the bush of “official.” They’ll avoid discussing or accepting any type of label by any means necessary. As a result, the other person involved is a confused, uncertain guy or gal, often left feeling fearful and uncomfortable, not knowing if that’s the person they’re WITH, or the person they’re with right now. Two scared people doesn’t result in one, successful love.

2. We see people getting screwed over so often.

It’s hard to trust anyone these days, and that stuff is kind of important in the preservation of a relationship. You’ve got to fully believe in the person you’re with, because you certainly can’t rely on home wrecking or unknowing folks to preserve your relationship, and refrain from attempting to get involved with your significant other. Friends, acquaintances, enemies, even family members have been a part of cheating scandals – we truly see it all these days. You simply have to have faith in the person you’re with to be loyal to you. I see some people who don’t trust their boyfriend or girlfriend in a room alone with their puppy, much less fighting off the temptation of another human being. Trust issues turn some people off, and so many people have them as a result of past experiences.

3. Some people are so, unbelievably shallow.

You can’t jump into the deep end with someone who’s swimming in the shallow. I mean, you can, but I wouldn’t recommend it. If someone is all about looks, they may lust for you, but if you have serious feelings on your side, that’s a recipe for disaster. Anyone who can be turned off enough to terminate a connection because of body hair, weight, or aesthetics in general isn’t worthy of you to begin with. Unfortunately, being well aware that so many people care so much about appearances can make a person extra cautious. There are just so many ridiculous body expectations enforced by shallow people that make others hate themselves and have no confidence, which can become an impediment in the process of love.

4. Quitting is easier than fixing.

Relationships can take a lot of work and unfortunately people aren’t always willing to put in effort, resulting in breakups over the tiniest qualms and minutiae. Maybe people have watched so many movies that they’ve come to believe love should start out amazing, then in act two there’s a little bit of drama, but after that’s hashed out, everything is just peachy. Couples disagree. They argue, they get annoyed and exhausted of one another’s BS, and they have struggles, but life isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel. If two people want to be with each other, shouldn’t the concept of splitting up be eliminated all together? It should never even be an option. Breaking up shouldn’t be done every other week. Relationships, like many other things, require maintenance and an effort.

5. Because falling in love isn’t hard at all. It’s the getting 

back up after your heart has been smashed into a 

million tiny pieces that’s so brutal.

In reality, falling in love with someone can happen naturally and effortlessly. It typically doesn’t go down like Family Matters, with Steve Urkel aggressively pursuing Laura for years before finally forcing an unlikely love to exist. In real life it often happens before we even have a chance to realize we’re vulnerable. If you’re a guarded person, surely you’re well aware when there’s been a security breach in the heavily protected area known as your feelings. Alarms are ringing and you’re proceeding with all of the caution, because all you can remember is how helpless you felt after the previous heartbreak. Once you know what a broken heart feels like, it’s never easy to give another person the power to put you through that same, excruciating experience. 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2013/04/5-reasons-why-falling-in-love-is-so-hard/

Six Lies People Tell You About Being Single

When searching for love, it feels like you can't win. You're told that to find a good relationship, you should first be happy alone. But if you are content solo, then you're "too independent." So you admit that being single can be lonely…and are informed that you reek of desperation!

Before I met my husband, Mark, my single friends and I would talk about the many theories our loved ones offered up about why we hadn't found someone. They meant well, but now I know they were just plain wrong (I wasn't afraid of commitment; I just hadn't found the right guy!). I talked to so many women about the clueless feedback they hear that I was inspired to write a book—It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single. Here, why the top "reasons" for why you're single are a bunch of bunk.

1. "You're Too Intimidating/Independent"

For years, people told Suzanne that her confidence and professional success made her intimidating. No, she wasn't the CEO of a multinational company—she was a communications consultant who owned a house and a couple of cars. She happened to enjoy the occasional dinner alone at a sushi restaurant.

"My male friends told me my life could scare men away, because where is there room for them? They said I needed to look more vulnerable. I didn't know what that looked like. How do you show someone there is room for them without also coming off as weak and needy?" she says. That's the problem, isn't it? Just when you start getting your act together—hitting your stride in your career, creating a nice home for yourself and a strong network of friends and family—someone invariably comes along to tell you that everything you've built will actually harm your chance of finding love.

Suzanne knew her friends had her best interests in mind, so when a new boyfriend acted wistful about his more passive ex-girlfriends, she decided to do an experiment. On a bowling night with friends, she decided to be his kind of girl—asking for lots of advice, including whether she should get a hot dog or a burger. "I kept getting gutter balls. He responded really well to that," she says. One female friend commented that she thought Suzanne's boyfriend was good for her because she was more vulnerable with him. "I remember thinking, 'So this is what I have to do? I don't know if I can sustain this,'" Suzanne says.

That's the first problem with advice that tells you to be someone you're not—even if it temporarily appeases the other person, it's not going to make you happy. But the bigger problem is that this idea that having a spine and a brain will hurt your chance of finding love is baloney. The truth is, women with college degrees and higher incomes are actually just as likely to marry as their less accomplished peers. They're also less likely to divorce.

Sure, there are wimps who can't deal with a woman who can fix a leaky faucet or buy her own house, but that's not all men. Instead of trying to squash your spirit to please some insecure dude, why not wait for a guy who has the cojones to cheer when you get a promotion or bowl a strike? That's what Suzanne did, and she's now happily married to a man with the confidence to let her pick her own damn sandwich.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I didn't realize so many guys were such delicate flowers! I think I'll hold out for one who's man enough to date me."

2. "You're Too Picky"

When I asked women what their friends and family said about why they were alone, this was the overwhelming favorite. It's a nice fail-safe, since it's pretty hard to prove wrong. If he was rude to the waitress last night, maybe he was having a bad day. "Give him another chance!" is the cry of the reasonable.

My single friends and I would puzzle over this: Were our standards too exacting? None of us had salary requirements. We weren't looking for men to support us, although they did need to be able to support themselves. In fact, the only standard that truly mattered to any woman I knew was the one articulated by my friend Caitlin. "I want to find a guy who is as sweet and surprising as my friends are but who I also want to make out with," she said. I have yet to meet a happily coupled person whose significant other fails to clear this bar.

Caitlin did indeed find a guy like this, and they've been happily married for years. But when we were single, this attitude made us nuts— "Are you sure? Why not just go on one more date?"

Here's what we failed to see: Our friends weren't trying to make us feel bad. After all, accusing a single person of being too selective is a compliment in a way. It assumes that scads of people want to be with you.

Plus, there is a reason we got so much feedback. We asked for it…or complained enough that our friends felt compelled to cough up some sort of wisdom. The solution: Stop talking about it. Relying on your own judgment rather than a survey of your 12 closest friends is liberating. You don't have to justify not going on that third OkCupid date if no one knows about the first one.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I'm choosing a life partner, not a couch."

3. "You Don't Know How to Play the Game"

The media treats dating like a cosmic tennis match—one in which women are always cast as the losers. Single men, meanwhile, are the great victors, feasting on their many dating options, reveling in their bachelor freedom, getting all that milk for free.

Because of this, there's a tendency for a girl to be on defense. He postponed a dinner date? Failed to call at the appointed time? Then, sister, you are outta there! To win at love, women must put themselves on a pedestal—demanding free dinners and accepting only dates booked far in advance.

Lost in all this defensive dating is the fact that men and women are both looking for the same thing: a partner in this confusing life. So how do you know if you're making excuses for a douche bag or being overly harsh about a guy who's just a little forgetful?

For me, the best guide was How does he make you feel? Was that thoughtless remark a fluke from a guy who's genuinely into you or does it set off alarm bells? Anyway, maybe you will misjudge a guy who turns out to be a rat. But instead of arming yourself with commandments about what you won't accept, isn't it braver to date knowing you could get hurt but you will survive?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"That's because it's not a sport to me—I'm looking for a boyfriend, not a trophy."

4. "You Should Have Married That Guy"

When Julia broke up with Joe, her mom and sister told her she expected too much from relationships. Julia agreed with them that Joe was a great guy. That's why she had spent two years with him—she wanted it to work. But she also didn't feel a spark, and she refused to settle.

Isn't it funny? At the same time women are expected to be superhuman—nailing the perfect balance of sexy yet modest, independent yet vulnerable—we're also supposed to be grateful for any scrap of male attention that comes our way. So what if he's dull in bed? You can't have it all!

Julia worried her standards were too high…until she met Matt, who confirmed that "I wasn't crazy. I knew what this would feel like and was holding out for it!" she says.

Laurie, a TV exec, admits she was pretty exacting: Her future boyfriend would have to love the arts, not be religious, and live in Manhattan. Then she met a hilarious man named Dave—a Christian who lived in the suburbs and couldn't care less about museums. They've been married for 10 years. Did she settle? "Absolutely not! I feel lucky," she says. Laurie's list was off, but her instincts weren't. She finds Dave smart and attractive, and he treats her like the most desirable woman in the world. Who cares if he doesn't dig the symphony? So how do you know if you're settling? Easy. You're settling if you thinkyou're settling.

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I decided that years of quiet desperation followed by divorce just wasn't for me."

5. "You're Too Available"

Rose's relationships typically didn't last long. Apart from one three-year romance, most lasted only three to six months. She often asked her married friends for advice.

The diagnosis? "That I was caring too much, trying too hard, and not playing hard to get," says Rose. This is classic dating-guide advice: If you love someone, don't you dare let him know. Keep him guessing, because men love the hunt.

This idea is presented as empowering—appear so confident that you're invulnerable to his opinion. There is a kernel of wisdom in there: Don't let another person determine your worth. But in telling women to act like unavailable ice queens, the message is: Hide your true feelings, because if he sees how you really feel, he will leave. How is that supposed to make you feel confident?

Bitchiness is false confidence. Making someone feel insecure, withholding kindness—this is not how truly confident people behave. Think about the most self-assured people you know. Are they inconsiderate? Do they try to make you feel small? And think about yourself when you've gotten a promotion or a great compliment. Does this wellspring of self-worth make you aloof or are you more likely to say, "You look fantastic!"?

For all of Rose's self-doubt, she also had a small but fierce instinct that one day she'd meet someone who wouldn't need to be manipulated into liking her. She was right. She's now married to a man who adores her…and the fact that she's not afraid to express her feelings. Can you prolong a relationship with an ambivalent dipshit by withholding your affection? Possibly. But why would you want to?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"I'm a person, not reservations at a hot restaurant. I'm pretty sure there's a guy out there who's smart enough to know the difference."

6. "You Have Issues"

Are you commitmentphobic? Afraid of intimacy? Too close to your father? Not close enough? If you're a single woman who would rather not be single, the pathologies you're accused of are endless.

There's nothing wrong with working through your issues. If you want to conquer your fear of heights, go for it! The problem arises when you try to eradicate your hang-ups as a prerequisite to finding a relationship. Let's face it: If everyone had to shed their psychological baggage before finding a partner, there would be a lot more unattached people in the world. As I'm sure many of your partnered friends demonstrate, it's very possible to be in a happy relationship even if you get anxious at parties or hate your thighs.

Sure, there are those whose emotional issues—from garden-variety intimacy fears to full-blown personality disorders—prevent them from being in committed relationships. The problem is, this pat conclusion has been lobbed at all singles seeking love.

Think about it this way: What if your only issue is the belief that you have issues and that they're keeping you from a relationship? What if you stopped defining yourself as someone with a bad-boy addiction or low self-esteem? What if you instead saw yourself as a flawed but lovable human being? What if the only reason you're alone is because you just haven't met the right partner yet?

WHAT TO SAY BACK

"And you don't?"

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/six-common-reasons-why-youre-single

10 Signs a Guy Is Too CockyFor His/Your Own Good

Spot the most conceited men on the market with this handy guide.

If a male in your dating orbital displays one or more of the characteristics below, run.

1. He talks about himself more than your most narcissistic friends talk about themselves.
Only men tend not to have interpersonal dramas that are sometimes entertaining to hear about. To avoid being bored to death listening to tales of his office job, eject yourself from the situation.

2. He’s incapable of making plans.
The Incapable Planner never makes or sticks to plans with you because he always has something "fabulous" (that's really not fabulous) to do or he's expecting something better to come up. Because he delusionally thinks other things > your company. Which they don't. Next.

3. He has no interest in trying to get your friends to like him.
He'll show up to the bar and expect you to blow him afterward, make no mistake. But he'll play buck hunter over chatting with your girlfriends.

4. He seizes every opportunity to imply his life is like Jay-Z's.
He's constantly talking about this "hot club" he went to or the time he air-cheersed Jay-Z from across a room. If he EVER, I repeat EVER, brags about buying bottles at a club, say goodbye.

5. He does not give a damn about you getting off.
And he implies there is something "wrong with you" for not climaxing in the eight seconds it takes him.

6. He won't go down on you.
But expects you to go down on him. That these men even exist is a horrific evolutionary abomination.

7. He assumes you're sitting around waiting for a ring.
And will snidely remind you of it everytime "the future" arises in conversation.

8. He keeps an up-to-date gallery of shirtless photos of himself on Facebook.
Even if he looks like Channing Tatum without a shirt on, his physique is not the front page of the New York Times — no one needs that many news flashes on his pectorals.

9. He brags about how many Twitter followers he has.
And when you mention the concept of "fake followers" he says, "Your FACE is fake." Because he would.

10. He only eats at $$$$ restaurants or McDonald's. 
I'm pretty sure Paris Hilton has a rule about this in a book she "wrote" like ten years ago. In fact, if he does ANYTHING like Paris, turn and run.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/signs-guy-is-cocky

10 Dating Truths No One Will Tell You

I've read three dating advice books in my entire life:

He's Just Not That Into You -- which after I read it, made me think no guy I dated was actually, 100 percent, into me.

Why Men Love Bitches -- which also, made me feel as though any guy I dated after was not really into me.

And, Patti Stanger's book, which the only advice I actually remember from it had to do with her saying that guys don't want to date girls who air their relationship stories out to the world. So, as a dating blogger and author of the e-Book, All My Friends Are Engaged, it looks like I'm doomed. Thanks, Patti.

So, do me a favor. Will you? Take your stack of worn-out, tear-stained, dating advice books and throw them out. Toss them in the recycling bin, use them as coasters on your living room table, glue them on top of each other and make them into a sturdy step stool. Just don't read them anymore, okay?

All they'll do is twist your thoughts, your judgments and your actions around like a tangled computer chord, leaving you acting like some kind of robotic monster who says and does things completely out of character.

Remember, only, these tips:

1. If you want to meet new people (potential dates) you need to actually try. Stop letting your couch cushions and your Netflix account and your Saturday girl's nights (where you ONLY dance and talk to each other) keep on inhibiting you from meeting people. Go to a meet-up event. Start shaking hands with strangers. Set up an online account on a website you're open to giving a try. Just start by stopping to look down at your phone all the time while you're out in public and say hello more.

2. If it's not passionate, I-can't-stop-thinking-about-you kind of love, what's the point? Too many things in life are just mundane and blasé, love shouldn't be. The person who latches onto your heart should make you feel extraordinary. There's absolutely no point in settling down just to settle.

3. Write down a list of things you love in this world and a list of things that bother you. Start to understand who you are a bit more and then, after it's spelled out on paper, begin to love yourself in such an unconditional way. Own up to the quirks and habits and hobbies that make you, you. That way, when someone enters your life, you'll be able to dazzle them with confidence.

4. Find an example. Your parents. Friends of yours. The 96-year-old couple in matching burgundy sweaters splitting French toast at the diner across the street, looking at each other like they just met for the first time. Find comfort in knowing that that crazy little thing called love does, in fact, exist.

5. If it doesn't feel right, it's not. Don't ignore the red flags that wave frantically at you, like a teenager trying to catch the attention of a member of One Direction, on dates 1-3.

6. Never say you're too busy for love. Because you're not. It's an excuse. It's one of those things we tell ourselves because we desperately want to believe it. If you want something bad enough, you'll somehow find the time to do it, to have it, to hold onto it.

7. Treat love like you do books. When it gets boring, or too complicated, put it down. Skip to the end.

8. If by date #4, you're questioning your interest in a person, call it quits. Don't waste time letting something drag on that's not meant to be -- likewise, don't force something that's not meant to be.

9. Don't hold back. Talk about whatever you want. Order your favorite dish of chicken parm and eat it on a first date. If you put on a costume and adopt someone else's personality, you're just delaying the inevitable: the person getting to know the real you. If you're not sure who the real you is, that's okay, please refer back to #3.

10. Do only what feels right. If you want to text the person after the date to say thank you for the nice night out, or after the third date give them a smooch goodbye, do it. The worst part of doing a case study on shredded love is having your memories corrupted by all the things you wish you did.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jen-glantz/10-dating-truths-no-one-will-tell-you_b_4170059.html

5 Men You Need to Meet (But Not Marry)

Some guys may teach you something, says the author of the riveting novel The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. That doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your life with them.

1. The One Who Never Wanted to Commit—Until He Met You

This sounds like the dream, right? The guy who proclaimed to all that he'd never settle down with anyone ever, and then ate his words when you came along? But the problem is that no matter how wowed by you he is now, the moment things become less exciting, less overwhelmingly amazing between the two of you (and the moment will come), he is likely to have second thoughts. And that will make you feel awful. Maybe you'll sense it happening, in which case you'll probably try harder, to do whatever you can to make sure things don't get less exciting. But that's a basis for a performance, not a marriage. 

You need to meet this guy, however, so that when you meet the guy you should marry you can tell the difference. The one you ought to marry will be a person who wants to be in a committed relationship and who will work with you to make your marriage strong. He won't feel he has made a mistake, or been duped, every time something between the two of you isn't perfect, because he will already know that relationships, like other true and meaningful things, operate on an axis that has nothing to do with perfect—they are messy, real, evolving things. That's what's so great about them. 

2. The Guy Who Knows Everyone, I Mean, Everyone, In Town

This is a guy who'll save you when you need to get a table at the hot, new restaurant or a contact at a company to which you're thinking of sending your resume. But be wary. This guy is always chatting on the phone—or sending emails or responding to texts—during dinners, holidays, all the times when you long for attention. Makes sense: He's responding to all those other people who need an in at that trendy restaurant or a professional contact, after all, and he's got to keep his Rolodex up-to-date; it requires constant effort. His desire to help, his sociability, these are some of his best qualities—as a friend. 

3. The Funny, Charming, Sensitive Guy Who Pouts and Says "Nothing" When You Ask Him If Something's Wrong

He's got so many wonderful qualities. So please, date him—if only because you'll learn a lot about the importance of another quality: open communication. The thing about marriage is that it's really long. You might be the greatest, most thoughtful and kind-hearted person in the world; I guarantee you are still going to occasionally piss him off. 

It's easier, for all of us, to sit in silence and seethe and think self-righteously that if our partners were better people, they would know why we are mad and wouldn't have to ask. It's a lot harder to say, "I know you didn't mean it, but that joke you made in front of our friends about my slow work habits made me feel lame." Yet, so much of marriage comes down to just those moments—spitting it out, explaining what's wrong and giving your partner a chance to apologize and do better the next time. The brooding guy who punishes you with silence? After a while, you're likely to become so afraid of making him angry—and so unsure of what exactly bothers him since he never tells you—that you'll have to tiptoe around him. 

4. The Guy Who Is So Good-Looking—or Wealthy or Successful—That All Your Friends Are in Awe

Here's my advice: See what it feels like to walk into a room with him. Watch your friends' and acquaintances' eyes widen ever so slightly. Just remember, it can be hard to separate the feeling of pride and exhilaration that comes from having won the affection of someone deemed desirable from the more tender feelings that are the basis of love. Marriage is made up of so many amazing moments other than walking into rooms. Make sure the guy you marry is the guy you most want to stay up late with when it's just the two of you, the one you love being alone with at home. 

5. The Earnest, Bright-Eyed Younger Man Who Adores You

This guy not only wants to commit your every utterance to memory but also heartens you with his sweetness and solemn desire to find love. This will help you more than you know, especially on those days when the men you've dated have caused you to question whether guys even have feelings. (We all have those days.) This man will help you to feel optimistic about humanity and about yourself. But you can't get romantic with him over the long term. Not because of his age—there's nothing wrong with walking down the aisle with someone younger—but because one-sided adoration inevitably curdles into resentment that the feeling isn't mutual. You might not even want to get romantic with him in the short term because he might feel some real feelings and what you might really like is the flattering reflection of yourself you see in his admiring gaze. By choosing to let him go, you'll have done the right thing—acting in the best interests of two connected people—which is exactly what's required when you meet the man you so, so, so need to marry. 

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Not-Marry-the-Wrong-Person/3

10 Signs He's Not The One

What if he's not Mr. Right?

Some people say they "just knew" that they were dating their future spouse. But what about the rest of us? What happens when you're not sure if he's The One? If you're considering long-term commitment or marriage, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions. Below, ten signs that may indicate he's not for you. 

1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace—or at least accept.

2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and popping Xanax when he hits up happy hour without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you.

3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way. 

4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears, and be a calming, not stressful, presence.

5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.

6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.

7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other.

8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.

9. You're not attracted to him. Sex is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match. 

10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.

http://www.yourtango.com/201053712/10-signs-hes-not-one/page/2

How to Tell If You're Dating Prince Charming or Prince Harming

According to ancient philosopher Aristotle, there are three kinds of relationships, only one of which will bring you true happiness. Find out how your relationship measures up!

1. Relationships of Pleasure
Partners who are about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. You share soulless, passionate sex and playful banter—but they're about the body or ego. They never soul-nurture you with insight and growth, so they never bring real-deal happiness.

2. Relationships of Utility
Partners you spend time with in hopes of garnering status, power, money and beauty like the rich guy with a trophy girl. Again, this is about body or ego and doesn't bring true joy.

3. Relationships of Shared Virtue
Partners who challenge and inspire you to grow into your highest potential and nurture your soul. A good example is when Jack Nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets says, "You make me want to be a better man." When you prioritize seeking a partner who supports you becoming your best self—instead of crushing on "superficial lures"(hotness, funniness, smartness, success, etc.)—you wind up with a soul mate/a Prince Charming/a definite keeper!

With this in mind, if you want to be happy in love, you must take time to see past a guy's "superficial lures" and look inside his "superinsidehimself." Unfortunately, those fumes of chemistry can often dizzy a gal into making stupid love choices. That's why it's important to remember: Hot, steamy chemistry eventually fades—and what's always left beneath is a person's true soul.

Yes, if you want to be happy, you must seek a good-hearted, ethical soul who brings you great growth—not simply a hottie who brings great grope!

Confession time: Another superficially alluring quality I've been suckered in by is humor. I am Silly Putty in a friggin' funny man's hands. I once had a boyfriend who teased me that the secret to getting me into bed was to crack five good jokes in a night. He'd count down his jokes as the night progressed. Unfortunately, funniness is a mere decorative quality —sometimes developed to avoid talking about real-life issues. Which is why in the past, after a few months of dating a friggin' funny guy, I've witnessed all that fabulous ha-ha-ha laughter often gives way to tears when the guy's true character—true soul—shows up as one that avoids honest communication, warm empathy and the desire for growth. Then, when I try to connect soul to soul—heart to heart—I am greeted by a gigantic, unmovable whoopee cushion wall.

Basically, friggin' funny is only the tiniest tip of a person. Meanwhile, a person's soul is a person's foundation!

For the record: Aristotle wasn't against finding someone friggin' funny or friggin' sexy or friggin' rich. He believed these pleasure-bringing qualities were good for stirring up passion, which humans need to be our fullest selves! But Aristotle recognized "superficial lures" and material goods were simply what he called "means to the ends" of happiness, not "the final ends," which is always to grow into your most esteemed self.

As Aristotle said: "Men imagine the causes of happiness lie in external goods. That is as if they were to ascribe fine and beautiful lyre playing to the quality of the instrument rather than the skill of the player."

Or as I like to say, "It's just as easy to complain about a rich man as it is to complain about a poor man."

Basically, it doesn't matter how rich a guy is if his behavior makes you twitchy and miserable.

While on the subject of money, Aristotle was no fan of slackers either. He recognized that being or dating poor brought its share of problems. He even admitted the lack of a certain amount of wealth was as much an obstacle to happiness as deprivation of freedom. He gladly accepted that some wealth was needed to be happy—just as exciting bodily pleasures were needed. But again, wealth and bodily pleasures were mere means to the ends of happiness—these ultimate ends being to nourish your soul, so you can reach your most esteemed level of self.

A big secret to happiness? Stop focusing on finding a Mr. Right! Start focusing on finding Life Plan Right. When a Mr. Potential Right comes along, you must ask yourself if this guy will lead you to Life Plan Right or Life Plan Wrong.

As you get to know the guy, look to see if he:
1. Offers you exciting growth as well as exciting grope
2. Has developed good character—so he'll be a positive influence on your character development.

If the guy scores two for two, you're likely in Prince Charming territory.




http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Are-You-Dating-Prince-Charming-or-Prince-Harming/4

The Relationship Repeater: How to Stop Seeking Out the Wrong Partners

Everyone has had a relationship that doesn’t work out, but not everyone repeatedly starts and ends relationships that so closely resemble the last one that failed.

What separates people who have good relationships from people who have bad ones? The degree of repetition and frustration. If you’re someone who keeps feeling frustrated that you’re not meeting The One, you might be what I call a “Relationship Repeater.” Simply put, a Relationship Repeater is someone who is stuck in a rut, making the same type of bad relationship decisions over and over.

Men and women who get stuck in this way aren’t crazy – just rigid and too set in their ways for their own good. They keep repeating the same mistakes because they have been unable to glean emotional lessons from their past relationships and learn from them. Healthy lovers, on the other hand, try to avoid what didn’t work the last time.

So, are you a Relationship Repeater? Ask yourself if you meet any of the following criteria:

•  You find yourself attracted to partners who don’t meet your emotional needs.

•  You find yourself attracted to the same characteristics that ultimately made you unhappy in the last relationship.

•  Your friends and family tell you that you prioritize the wrong characteristics in potential partners.

•  You struggle to find a partner who truly understands or ‘gets’ you.

•   You feel like you lack the ability to detect warning signs early, or you notice them but try to deny them or make excuses for them.

How to Get Un-Stuck:

If you’ve been unlucky in love so far, don’t worry: The truth is that you have complete control over your romantic future. Aren’t you tired of saying goodbye? Don’t you get sick of starting over with someone new? Follow the tips below and your future will thank you for it!

1. When dating someone new, keep the frequency of dates to a minimum, at least for a while.

There are so many rules about dating. There are rules about the rules, and rules about what happens if you don’t follow the rules. Well, here’s one rule I insist on: When you find someone you like, don’t see him or her too much in the beginning. If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships and you start seeing someone new too frequently and too intensely, I’m sorry to tell you that you are probably going to mess things up. It’s not your fault, but odds are that you will revert to your old, familiar behavior. The key is to slow things down so that you don’t blindly – or impulsively – make the same mistakes over and over again.

2. Gain insight into your problem and practice the art of detaching.

It’s normal to attach to someone you know and trust; it’s also normal to detach when someone hurts you and has shown a pattern of hurting you. The problem with men and women who are stuck seeking out the wrong partners is that once they attach to someone, they have a hard time detaching later when the relationship has stopped working. In other words, once they get attached to someone, they get stuck and cannot disengage or pull themselves apart – even if they’re unhappy.

You might wonder why people wouldn’t want to detach if they’re unhappy, but the sad truth is that having bad relationships is par for the course for Relationship Repeaters. In fact, most Relationship Repeaters came from families where there was significant chaos, addiction, or a painful separation (e.g., having an absent parent).

Relationship Repeaters don’t want to end their romantic relationships – even if they’re bad – because they’re sick of separations and they crave consistency, which they often haven’t had in their lives previously. If you have a problem detaching once you have already attached, you need to start engaging in behaviors that give you a greater sense of independence and inner peacefulness. Start on this course by going to the movies on your own or staying at home on an evening night when you would normally go out and socialize with others.

3. Talk to your primary care physician about obsessive-compulsive symptoms.

Men and women who have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder have a much more difficult time than others in having romantic relationships, as they tend to get stuck obsessing about things both big and small. Abbey and colleagues (2007), for example, found that the more severe one’s obsessions were, the more dissatisfied and less intimate the individuals’ romantic relationships were. It makes sense, too, if you think about it!

The vast majority of readers don’t have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but if you keep getting stuck repeating bad relationship patterns, you may have one or more obsessive-compulsive traits. Talk to your physician about whether you might have some of these symptoms, and whether these symptoms may negatively impact your approach to romantic relationships. If you do happen to have some obsessive-compulsive symptoms, there are lots of ways to reduce the severity so that you can function well in all parts of your life: medication therapy, talk therapy, or even spiritual or religious guidance from a professional who can help you meet your life goals.

4. Read a good book about how to stop repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

I’m a psychologist so I make referrals for psychotherapy in my sleep. I love therapy and think it is one of the most helpful things a person can do in his or her life, but I don’t underestimate the power of a good book in helping people change. I wrote an entire book on how to stop repeating toxic relationship patterns, which is called Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. You might find another book helpful, as well, which is called Obsessive Love, by my friend and colleague, Susan Forward.

You know what the worst consequence is when you keep seeking out the wrong partners again and again? You stop trusting yourself and your instincts, and you become haunted by a tiny voice in the back of your head that tells you that you’re programmed to fail in love. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, lock the doors and block out that voice. No one was put here on Earth to suffer repeatedly in relationships. We must learn from our mistakes and do better the next time. The final takeaway? Stop chasing, surrender, and let yourself have a consistently good relationship for a change.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/the-relationship-repeater-how-to-stop-seeking-out-the-wrong-partners/#.UgzbkZK1Hnc