4 Ways to Have Amazing Make-Up
Sex Without the Fight
Arguing can be an aphrodisiac, but it's also a bummer. Here's how to get the passion minus the screaming (the bad kind, anyway).
Walking home after dinner one night, my fiancé, Christopher, and I started debating the location for our wedding ceremony. After going several blocks without an agreement, he proclaimed, "Look, I'd be happy marrying you on a pile of dirt." That stopped me right in my tracks. I should have focused on the sweetness of his sentiment — that all he cared about was our commitment to each other, so it didn't matter where we said our "I-dos" — but that was lost on me. Instead, all I heard was "Our wedding means so little to me that it would be fine to have it in a mud puddle." All I could say was "Are you [bleeping] serious?!" We walked the rest of the way home in silence.
But a funny thing happened when we got there. Perched in our bed, my arms wrapped tightly around my knees while he paced the room, I broke the chilly standoff. I started to cry. "I just want to feel like we're on the same team again," I said. He softened. "Me too, babe." We started touching tenderly, like we hadn't seen each other in months. Clothes hit the floor, and you can guess what followed. It was one of the most passionate and frenzied encounters we've ever had. We weren't just having sex, we were making up … and it was hot.
Make-up sex is legendary for being spicy. Psychologist Seth Meyers (not to be confused with the SNL cutie), PsyD, says it's because couples "hunger to switch gears from the negative emotions that come with fighting to the opposite end of the spectrum." Basically, they want to feel the warm high that comes with making up. That high can be so good, people will seek out arguments to get to the make-up sex — we've all met (or heard) those couples, at least the ones who duke it out in public. But there must be a way to experience the ecstasy of make-up sex without the shake-up beforehand, right? Here, tips from experts and real women on how to fan the flames of passion without lighting any dangerous fires first.
1. Get Your Blood Pumping
First, you have to find a way to spike your adrenaline without spiking your dishes on the kitchen floor. Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and coauthor of The Getaway Guide to the Great Sex Weekend, says to "do something exciting together, and the sex you have afterward will be life affirming." Yes, she means daredevil activities like skydiving or bungee jumping, but a roller-coaster ride together will also do the trick. You'll still get to yell at the top of your lungs, just not at your boo. Not an adrenaline junkie? Simply going for a run together works too. You'll get all red in the face but only in the best way.
2. Ditch Each Other
A postfight romp is a reunion of sorts — you're coming together after being emotionally distant, right? So instead of arguing, try planning physical time apart. Hollie S., 25, has mastered this trick. "I look forward to solo trips because I get to do something I really enjoy, plus my husband and I really get to miss each other, which leads to hotter sex when we get our hands on each other again," she says. Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, PhD, author of In the Name of Love, agrees. "In a flourishing relationship, the importance of personal space cannot be exaggerated." So plan a weekend getaway with friends, pronto.
3. Inspire Some Harmless Competition
You know how hot you feel when you're dressed up and turning a few strangers' heads in a bar? Ari B., 34, suggests tapping into that emotion and "going out and getting attention from someone else. Showing him you're in demand with others is a foolproof way to instigate some jealousy and motivate him to win you over again," she says. Plus, flirtation with a stranger can cause your man to see you with new eyes. Recently, Ari's husband got turned on when a woman flirted with her at a party. "She was actually straight. She just wanted to have fun and complimented my curves," Ari says. "He thought it was hot that a woman was attracted to me, and it reminded him that he faces competition from all genders, which made the sex that night super hot."
4. Ready Your Imaginary Boxing Gloves
When all else fails, play-fight! Myriad M., 30, suggests staging a make-believe tiff about something trivial that doesn't really matter to either of you, like who's the better twerker. "Pick sides, and fight to win!" she says. It doesn't hurt to get physical either. Playfully lob a pillow his way, or tackle him onto the bed. There's nothing like a wrestling match to arouse some playful feelings of competition … and, ahem, some other types of feelings too.
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