5 Lies You Hear About Finding Love After Divorce

When you start all over after a divorce you get a lot of misinformation about what's out there -- and what you deserve. After I split with my husband of 16 years I was almost certain I'd just spend the rest of my life single. I was ready for that. And it's because of everything I was hearing about dating and relationships after divorce. I have to say, the landscape looked treacherous from where I stood. But maybe I was listening to the wrong voices? It turns out, when it comes to finding love again after divorce, it's not as complicated or difficult as you'd think. Forget the unhelpful noise you hear -- like these 5 bits of popular wisdom.

1. You're damaged goods. Something about surviving a bad relationship makes people feel less lovable, for some reason. The stigma of divorce is fading (finally, thank goodness!) but it's still hard to shake that feeling that you deserve less. But that's bunk. You are a survivor, and you deserve good love. Period.

Instead, consider your experience and what you have to offer your "social price," as Dr. David Anderson puts it. "The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price."

2. It's slim pickings out there. That's what I hear all the time, especially from my single friends. And to a certain extent, they're right. Dysfunctional man-baby knuckleheads abound. But there are also men who are kind and mature; They've had the same kinds of ups and downs in love that all of us have, and that's why they're still single.

3. Time is running out. Just after I split with my husband I felt this pressure, like I had just a couple years left of being attractive before I hit my old hag years. That's bananas. I mean, I should have more faith in my ability to age well. But that aside, this isn't a race. The men my age are getting older, too. We're aging together. And you need to let thing unfold in their own time or risk making a hasty mistake: The rebound relationship.

4. You're going to ruin your new relationship with your old baggage. You're not -- if you've done the work and are paying attention. Be present in the moment so you can be aware of old patterns of thinking or feeling creeping in. Remember you're dealing with a new person, not your ex. Also, everyone has baggage, not just divorced people.

5. A new relationship will make you whole again. It won't. You need to find out how to be a whole person on your own, first, before you find a new person to love. You can't use a new relationship to heal from the last one.

What's the most surprising thing you learned about finding love after divorce?

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/171526/5_lies_you_hear_about

Ring, Buzz, Ring: 7 Ways Your Phone Is Destroying Your Love Life

You won't believe what your phone is doing to your breasts ...

Since cell phones came into existence there have been a lot of rumors, facts, and gossip about the negative, and sometimes, positive effects of them. We all remember the days when the media told us brain cancer from cell phone use was evitable, right? But because cell phones haven’t been around long enough to really give us a good idea of what a lifetime of using them could mean for our bodies, what we do know for sure is that cell phones, and technology as a whole, are changing the way we communicate. We seem to be drifting further and further apart.

As technology continues to build a wall in between and all around us, it would make sense that our relationships might suffer. You might think it's not a big deal to have your phone attached to you 24/7, but you are very, very wrong.

1. It puts a damper on true connection.
Studies have shown that nothing says, "I'm not totally interested in this moment," quite like putting your cell phone on the table during dinner. It not only makes the person across the table feel less important than your phone, but it also leads to you "to judge the quality of your relationship more poorly." It's hard to focus when you’re waiting for a call or a text, so put the phone away. If someone really needs to talk to you, they'll call back.

2. It can make you impotent.
In news that will make anyone shrivel, shrink, and sob uncontrollably in the corner,studies have found that men who carry their cell phones in their pocket for a significant amount of time everyday are more prone to erectile dysfunction, as opposed to those who keep their phone elsewhere (attaché, maybe?). Doctors attribute this to either the electromagnetic radiation or the heat that the phone emits. On top of that, researchers have also found a "worrying link" between "poor sperm" and the amount of time men use their phones a day. Luckily, these studies are still in their infancy, so maybe in a couple years, we can laugh these results off as a load of bunk.

3. It's a total boner-killer.
Picture it: all is quiet, there's maybe some bad elevator music on in the background, and you lean in for a kiss, but, "RING! BUZZ! RING!" And scene. While you might be able to pick up where you left off, you have to admit that the phone really changed the mood. It may pain you to do so, but powering it down or at least putting it on silence will help keep things moving in the right direction.

4. It will make you sick.
It's hard to have a smooth-sailing relationship if you're sick all the time. Researchers found that 94.5 percent of cell phones are basically germ factors. Not only are cell phones home to at least one bacteria or another, but a lot of those germs found are known as "superbugs," which is a bacteria that can’t be cured by common antibiotics.

5. It will make your offspring a devil child.
Even if you're able to get over the obstacles that cell phones put in the way of successful and happy relationships, that doesn't mean you're out of the woods just yet. Studies have found that women who use their phones a lot during pregnancy are more likely to have devil children with behavioral problems. For your love life this means two things: If you're with the father of your child, behavior issues can add extra stress to your life and take a major toll on your relationship. If you're not with the father of your child and are a single parent out on the prowl, a difficult kid can make meeting someone new a tricky task. If everyone in town knows your child is the kid from The Exorcist, you can kiss your love life goodbye. 

6. It's a drunk texting machine.
Whether you're drunk and texting an ex-boyfriend (even though you’re in a relationship), or texting your current partner because you're either A. Mad, B. A mean drunk, or C. In the mood to be a little too honest, drunk texting can really mess up a good thing. If that isn't a major factor in how cell phones can ruin your love life, then I don't know what is.

7. It can make your breasts lumpy.
If you're one of those women who keeps their phone in their bra, and apparently some do, stop now. Research has found a direct correlation between breast nodules ("solid, raised areas in or under the skin that are larger than 0.5 centimeters") and phones being tucked closely to the bosom. According to Dr. Stephen Sinatra, "doctors are now finding a rectangular pattern of nodules — many of them malignant — between the breasts of all to many unsuspecting women that have afterward admitted to stashing their cell phones" in their bras. Ladies, you have that Balenciaga bag for a reason, so put your cell phone in there instead.

http://www.yourtango.com/2014214109/love-dating-technology-ways-your-cell-phone-ruining-your-love-life

Debunking the Biggest Myth of Dating Over 40

Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? I know. I did it for about 30 years and I experienced all the hurt, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, boredom, and exhaustion that comes with it.

So what’s the thing about dating that bothers you most? As a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I conducted a survey and asked women to tell me their biggest dating challenge as a woman in her 40s, 50s and beyond.

The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men.

Yah, I know. Not having quality men to date really sucks. It WOULD suck, that is…IF it were true. The idea that there aren’t any quality men is a myth.

There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States, about 7 million in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And these are just the ones using online dating!

And before you say…but, Bobbi, these aren’t quality men. All the good ones are taken…check this out:

If you live anywhere near a major metro area, and are looking for a man over 40,  5’8” or taller,  college educated, non-smoking, making a higher than median income…statistics say that there are over 2000 of these guys within 20 miles of you looking for love online. 

No good men? Really? And, remember girlfriend, you only need ONE.

Why do you hold on to this as if it were truth; like it’s a reality of life that you must endure? If you’re like I used to be as a single gal, it’s because it gives you permission to stay the same and stay single.

As long as you let yourself believe that your lack of connection with a good man is about T-H-E-M…then you don’t have to take responsibility. You are merely a victim of nasty and sad circumstance, rather than a strong, smart woman in charge of her life.

Take some advice from a gal who has been there, finally figured “the man-thing out,” got married at 47 and now enjoys a stellar relationship with the perfect man…for me. There are two things you can do that will immediately improve your experience with men:

1. Be a good picker.

Know what you want and must have, and make sure it’s the “Grownup You” doing the picking; not the 18-year-old who still expects all kinds of wacky things that no longer matter and wouldn’t make you happy anyway.

Be willing to forgo the idea of perfection and find a REAL man. He doesn’t have to be flawless to rock your world. (And btw how flawless are you? Aren’t your “quirks” what you want men to love about you?)

Here are some action steps to get you started:

•  Get honest with yourself by getting to the core of your belief that there are no quality men. When did you start believing this and why? Are these beliefs still true?

•  How does this belief impact your actions (or inaction), and how is that affecting your outcomes? If you believed otherwise, how would it change your dating experiences?

•  Make a choice. If this belief is working for you, great. If not, choose to let it go.

2. Give him a chance.

DO NOT tell me that in the first 10 minutes of meeting a man you can know that he is a potential suitor or life partner. If I hear this one more time….I’m going to burst.

Unless he spits when he talks, smells, or is drunk; give him a chance. Quick judgments are often more about you than the man sitting in front of you. 

Quickly dismissing men is most often about self-protection and reliving past experiences in the present. I mean, after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.

(Listen, I was the master of this, but finally learned how I consistently self sabotaged. And when I saw it, and dealt with it, my life changed. Yours will too.)

Here are your action steps:

•  Write your list of qualities, values, and behaviors that attract you and that you expect in a man with whom you spend time.

•  Review your list and decide: does this man exist? Are these qualities I’m looking for directly related to a man’s ability to make me happy? Are these truly requirements and worthy of dismissing a man who does not possess the quality? Out of this you will begin to refine your list of must-have’s, nice to have’s and who cares/what was I thinking.

If you are serious about finding a life partner, or at least a man to have some fun with, letting go of the idea that there are no good single men for you is a first critical step.

When your belief shifts, the good men will be there waiting for you. Ask any one of my coaching clients. After working on this for just a week or two, they  “miraculously” see nice guys everywhere.

What you believe is your truth. And what you put out and expect is what you get. I’d love to hear how this (pretty simple) shift works for you. Happy dating! 

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/debunking-the-biggest-myth-of-dating-over-40/#.U1kTrfldXnc

10 Things You Might Do That Will Make A Bad First Impression On Someone

Whether you’re going on a first date, heading to a job interview, meeting your partner’s parents or even just meeting your BFF’s friends, one things for sure: you probably want to make a good first impression. 

First impressions are obviously important because most people will judge you based on how you were when they first met you. They’re especially important when you’re doing something like an interview, where you really only have one chance to win someone over. But the pressure of making a good first impression can be a lot to handle, and so a lot of us end up making mistakes.

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m pretty bad a first impressions. It’s probably because I’m quiet and generally awkward, and I never really know how to act around new people I don’t quite feel comfortable with yet. I’m sure a lot of you are in the same boat. If you’re like me, here are 10 things you’re probably doing that are making a bad first impression – you might not even realize it’s happening!

Crossing Your Arms Over Your Chest

A very smart guy I dated a while ago once gave me a piece of advice I will never forget. I'm a shy girl, and I have a bad habit of standing in a public place with my arms crossed over my chest - it makes me feel safe. But one day we were out, and he pulled me aside, and said, "Why are your arms like that?" I had no idea what he meant, and he said, "Never stand with your arms crossed. It makes you look unapproachable, and you're not unapproachable! It makes people feel weird about getting to know you because it seems like you don't want to get to know anyone." I was a little taken aback, but I knew he was right. Body language is really important. Standing with your arms tightly crossed over your chest makes you look closed off - and when making a first impression, you want to look open and friendly.

Staring At Your Phone The Whole Time

It's rude to sit there and stare at your phone in any kind of social situation, but it's especially rude when you're in a situation where you're first meeting someone and trying to make a good first impression. If you're giggling at text messages or scrolling through Instagram, you look like you have zero interest in that person and what you're supposed to be doing. You look like you would rather be anywhere else. Even if you are listening, it seems like you're not. Put the phone down and focus your attention on the person, or people, in front of you. They'll be flattered that you seem interested, and that makes them like you.

Acting Fake and Trying Too Hard

Don't act like someone you're not to try to impress anyone. People can sense when you're trying too hard (even if you think you're being slick), and no one likes it or appreciates it. Be yourself! It's more genuine, and people can also sense when you're being genuine - and everyone likes that. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, then whatever, who cares.

Looking Like You Just Rolled Out Of Bed

As much as I'd like to say appearance doesn't matter, the fact is is that it does. People will judge you based on what you look like, and if this is someone you're really trying to impress, you should try to look presentable for them. It shows that you respect them and their time, and it also shows that you respect yourself enough to put a little time into your appearance. This doesn't mean you should dress up like someone you're not. Stay true to your personal style, but wear something a little special. Basically, stay away from sweatpants. Spritz yourself with a little perfume. Brush your teeth. Fix your hair. Easy stuff like that.

Making Inappropriate or Rude Jokes

When you meet someone for the first time, you have no idea what's going on in their life. You don't know what makes them angry, you don't know what is a trigger for them, and you don't know what kind of tough stuff they have to deal with. So it's best to steer clear of anything that could come off as offensive or inappropriate. Be polite. Don't make rude jokes that might portray you in the wrong way. Try not to be ignorant.

Not Making Eye Contact

Numerous studies have shown that making eye contact is super important when trying to make a good first impression. So, obviously, if you don't make eye contact, you're not going to make a good first impression. This one is really hard for me because I think eye contact is so awkward with anyone other than my boyfriend. But I just force myself to do it. It gives off an air of confidence and makes it seem like you're interested in getting to know this person. You shouldn't sit there staring into their eyes throughout the entire meeting - that's weird. I try to hold eye contact for about 30 seconds, let my eyes flit around the room, then go back to eye contact.

Not Smiling

Studies also always show that smiling makes for a good first impression. I mean, who thinks great things about someone they barely know who just stood there looking miserable? Not many people. You don't have to stand there with a huge grin on your face the entire time, but smile when you make introductions, and when it's appropriate throughout the conversation. Also, keep your face generally pleasant even when you're not grinning. Try to avoid bitchy resting face, something I struggle with.

Invading Someone's Personal Space

Personal space is important to some people, not so important to others. But you don't know what this person's deal is, so until you do, respect their personal space. I'm kind of okay with a stranger hugging me hello or goodbye, but a lot of people aren't. Just be polite without being too handsy.








http://www.gurl.com/2014/04/22/things-you-might-do-that-will-make-a-bad-first-impression/#8

Tips on Dating a Younger Man

Pros and cons of dating a younger man!

Let's be honest, the main reason a woman will date a younger man is because physically it's very appealing. But there could be more than meets the eye. Here are four good reasons to allow yourself to jump into the kiddie pool.

The Pros:

1. Younger men are more energetic. They still have a thirst for life that hasn't been jaded yet. They are still climbing in an upward motion and aren't settling into the stereotypes of the men before them.

2. Appearance is very important to them. These men are not afraid to tap into their feminine side when it comes to grooming. And exercise is incorporated into their daily routines -- unlike an older man who is more set in his ways and more content to grow old just like his father did. Their style is set by what is seen in the media and they are much more fashion savvy.

3. Many younger men seem to be enraptured by older women. They have a certain amount of respect that differs from an older man. They see these women as experienced and knowledgeable in the bedroom -- as if they have mysterious tricks up their sleeves. Don't forget, as teen boys, usually their fantasies were that of models, movies stars and centerfolds -- many of which were older women.

4. Dating a younger man also makes the woman feel that she has more control of the relationship. In truth, with age does come experience and a certain sense of power. She can feel comfortable in setting the rules and doesn't need to feel like she is not in control of the situation.

The Cons:

1. A younger man still may be afraid of commitment. They are still enjoying the variations of different women. If commitment is something you may be looking for, you might want to opt for an older man.

2. Communication is still not at its optimum peak in a younger man. Either they aren't yet comfortable with it or they haven't been able to tap into their resources yet. As we all know, bad communication in any relationship is a recipe for disaster.

3. The mother figure often comes into play in this kind of relationship. Some younger guys are very needy and are looking to be "mothered" by an older woman. Many times the man will have jealousy issues and are not trusting of the woman. This kind of attachment is not healthy and can lead to a lot of pain on both sides.

4. Younger men are not looking into the future yet. They are still often living in the moment. They aren't too concerned with financial stability and future security. Older women know how fast time goes by and how important having this security is -- especially as we age. This difference can be a major cause of friction.

When the spark of romance blossoms between two people sometimes age does not matter. But it's good to have these guidelines to make you aware of the possibilities that could arise in these relationships.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meryl-hartstein/dating-a-younger-man_b_3751493.html

10 Reasons why he's just not that into you

TIME TO
MOVE ON?

The powerful maxim, 'He's just not that into you,' has exploded over the past 10 years from a cute line on Sex and the City to a book... to a movie. Why is there so much hype around this simple, seemingly obvious statement? Because so many women still don't get it!  Ladies, before you start pining over phantom phone calls and missed dates, consider these hilarious tips from author Phil Torcivia. The divorced bachelor, who penned the wildly funny Such a Nice Guy, has a thing or two to say about why he might not be returning your affections. Don't be sad. It's his problem, not yours. I'm sure there are numerous men out there who are attracted to you and don't mind at all that you hog the remote, get text messages at 2 a.m. and pass gas in your sleep. We all have our little quirks. The key is avoiding the little jerks and finding someone who loves your idiosyncrasies. If that has become too difficult, find a good therapist, mix yourself a strong martini or see if one of the 10 reasons below applies.

HE NEVER REALLY WAS INTO YOU

He just wanted to hook up. (Oh, stop sobbing. You've done it, too.)

HE FOUND SOMEONE HE'S MORE INTO

It happens. Perhaps that lovely coworker he has been pining for suddenly left her boyfriend, whom she was just not that into.

HE IS TIRED OF BEING DRAGGED TO CHURCH...

...and malls and family reunions and baby showers.

YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS FRIGHTENED HIM

Maybe he sees too much of your mother in you already.

HIS FRIENDS FINALLY TALKED HIM INTO LEAVING YOU

They whined, complained, and poked fun at him because, since you came around, he can't come out and play after dinner as often.

YOU NAG... A LOT

Anytime you ask him to do something more than twice, it's no longer a reminder, it's nagging. Nothing makes a man want to run out of the home screaming more than nagging (excluding the obvious: A bad call during a playoff game or accidentally catching his Willy in his zipper).

HE'S A SLOB AND YOU'RE NEAT, OR VICE-VERSA

You don't realize this until you share a hotel room for a week. Then, the unmade bed, clothing pile and missing toothpaste cap are sufficient reasons to check out of both the hotel and the relationship.

YOU COST TOO MUCH

Hey, times are tough. He has to cut corners. His hand does not require expensive foreplay such as roses, sushi and La Crema chardonnay. His accountant advised him to rebuild his credit by sticking to solo nights in a dive bar with his nutritious dinner of happy hour draft beer and popcorn.

YOU ARE NOT THE SAME WOMAN YOU WERE WHEN HE MET YOU

Remember that sexy number you were wearing? Those high boots with your designer jeans tucked inside them. That pink lace thong. The plunging neckline. Where did they go? Yes, you look cute in sweatpants, flip-flops and a trucker cap, but then again so does his uncle.

YOU STARTED RATIONING THE COOKIE

You used to get busy all the time:In the car, on the kitchen counter and in the hotel Jacuzzi. You used to initiate. In fact, according to the police log, you had orgasms loud enough to register on the Richter scale. Now, instead of changing positions, you change the channels. He misses those days when you used to fetch the sex towel. It's not so bad. Don't be embarrassed. You, too, can learn from this or at least become more skilled at faking it. But just accept it -- he's just not that into you. http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813319/10-reasons-why-he-s-just-not-that-into-you/page:2

Best way to get over your ex? Get a new boyfriend, says study

Apparently rebound relationships aren't so bad after all.

Feeling utterly heartbroken is RUBBISH, but at least it gives you an excuse to hide in a duvet for several weeks consuming only Ben & Jerry's, Doritos and tea watered down with your own tears.

Or so we thought.

Apparently, wallowing in snotty tissues just ain't the way to get over your ex. In fact, a new study has shown that getting yourself right back onto the dating train (destination: new boyf) is the route to happiness.

Rebound relationships have often been dismissed as the crazed activity of the newly-single, who are so blinded by their grief that they fall immediately into the arms of the most unsuitable passerby who shows even the faintest whiff of interest.

However, researchers at Queens College and the University of Illinois studied 313 adults, and found that those who found a new partner swiftly after the end of a relationship had a greater sense of closure, felt more confident and reported better overall psychological health than those who hadn't.

It seems, then, that the old adage "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" might actually be true, although we advise you wait until you can get through a whole date without crying before hitting up Tinder again.

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/get-over-ex-new-boyfriend-study