Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? I know. I did it for about 30 years and I experienced all the hurt, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, boredom, and exhaustion that comes with it.
So what’s the thing about dating that bothers you most? As a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I conducted a survey and asked women to tell me their biggest dating challenge as a woman in her 40s, 50s and beyond.
The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men.
Yah, I know. Not having quality men to date really sucks. It WOULD suck, that is…IF it were true. The idea that there aren’t any quality men is a myth.
There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States, about 7 million in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And these are just the ones using online dating!
And before you say…but, Bobbi, these aren’t quality men. All the good ones are taken…check this out:
If you live anywhere near a major metro area, and are looking for a man over 40, 5’8” or taller, college educated, non-smoking, making a higher than median income…statistics say that there are over 2000 of these guys within 20 miles of you looking for love online.
No good men? Really? And, remember girlfriend, you only need ONE.
Why do you hold on to this as if it were truth; like it’s a reality of life that you must endure? If you’re like I used to be as a single gal, it’s because it gives you permission to stay the same and stay single.
As long as you let yourself believe that your lack of connection with a good man is about T-H-E-M…then you don’t have to take responsibility. You are merely a victim of nasty and sad circumstance, rather than a strong, smart woman in charge of her life.
Take some advice from a gal who has been there, finally figured “the man-thing out,” got married at 47 and now enjoys a stellar relationship with the perfect man…for me. There are two things you can do that will immediately improve your experience with men:
1. Be a good picker.
Know what you want and must have, and make sure it’s the “Grownup You” doing the picking; not the 18-year-old who still expects all kinds of wacky things that no longer matter and wouldn’t make you happy anyway.
Be willing to forgo the idea of perfection and find a REAL man. He doesn’t have to be flawless to rock your world. (And btw how flawless are you? Aren’t your “quirks” what you want men to love about you?)
Here are some action steps to get you started:
• Get honest with yourself by getting to the core of your belief that there are no quality men. When did you start believing this and why? Are these beliefs still true?
• How does this belief impact your actions (or inaction), and how is that affecting your outcomes? If you believed otherwise, how would it change your dating experiences?
• Get honest with yourself by getting to the core of your belief that there are no quality men. When did you start believing this and why? Are these beliefs still true?
• How does this belief impact your actions (or inaction), and how is that affecting your outcomes? If you believed otherwise, how would it change your dating experiences?
• Make a choice. If this belief is working for you, great. If not, choose to let it go.
2. Give him a chance.
DO NOT tell me that in the first 10 minutes of meeting a man you can know that he is a potential suitor or life partner. If I hear this one more time….I’m going to burst.
Unless he spits when he talks, smells, or is drunk; give him a chance. Quick judgments are often more about you than the man sitting in front of you.
Quickly dismissing men is most often about self-protection and reliving past experiences in the present. I mean, after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.
(Listen, I was the master of this, but finally learned how I consistently self sabotaged. And when I saw it, and dealt with it, my life changed. Yours will too.)
Here are your action steps:
• Write your list of qualities, values, and behaviors that attract you and that you expect in a man with whom you spend time.
• Review your list and decide: does this man exist? Are these qualities I’m looking for directly related to a man’s ability to make me happy? Are these truly requirements and worthy of dismissing a man who does not possess the quality? Out of this you will begin to refine your list of must-have’s, nice to have’s and who cares/what was I thinking.
If you are serious about finding a life partner, or at least a man to have some fun with, letting go of the idea that there are no good single men for you is a first critical step.
When your belief shifts, the good men will be there waiting for you. Ask any one of my coaching clients. After working on this for just a week or two, they “miraculously” see nice guys everywhere.
What you believe is your truth. And what you put out and expect is what you get. I’d love to hear how this (pretty simple) shift works for you. Happy dating!
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