Questions to Ask Yourself Before Committing

You’ve been on many dates. You laugh at each other’s jokes. You find their quirks endearing. And you’re excited to see where the relationship might lead. Before you take that leap into a serious committed relationship, here are some questions to ask yourself.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Do we share the same views on monogamy, marriage and children?

The big-ticket items, like family, marriage, and views on monogamy are conversation-topic musts before leaping into serious commitment. Differing values on these areas are often non-negotiables. It’s better to know he doesn’t want kids or that she’s not interested in ever getting married now than get further invested in a relationship that, ultimately, can’t have a future.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Are we spiritually compatible?

Maybe you’ve already talked about your faith backgrounds some, but articulating what your spiritual life looks like on a day-to-day basis — and what you aspire it to become — is an important step in determining when to get serious with one another. If one of you eschews organized religion and the other wishes they could attend orthodox services more often, you’re likely going to hit major roadblocks later on. Talk about these differences and determine if your differing faith systems are compatible with one another.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Are family and friends supportive of the relationship?

Does your mom like him? Does your roommate think she’s awesome? Positive feedback on the relationship from family and friends can help give you the green light in moving forward. If loved ones agree that the person you’re seeing is a good match for you, you’re committing to a relationship with a built-in support system.

If you sense hesitancy or wariness from loved ones, try to determine why they’re not as gung-ho about the relationship as you are. Maybe they’re just looking out for you following previous heartache. Maybe they have some serious reservations. Consider their yellow and red flags seriously before committing.

Question to ask yourself before committing: How do we deal with conflict?

Have you fought yet? Have you seen him upset? Establishing healthy conflict-resolution patterns is essential in cultivating a solid relationship.

Talk about conflict when you’re not in the middle of it. What often triggers defensiveness in you? What angers you? When do you feel most misunderstood? Do you tend to fight about the same things over and over? Establish rules for “fighting fair.”

Before committing, ensure that you’re both determined to always do right by the other person — and can compromise, apologize, and reassure when times get tough.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Can we communicate honestly about uncomfortable topics like money and sex?

The two biggest conflict topics in committed romantic relationships are money and sex. You’ll be setting your new relationship up for success if you start talking about these things early on. If you handle money differently, feel uncomfortable revealing spending philosophies, have different expectations when it comes to splitting the check or sharing a bed, now is the time to talk.

Practicing openness and honesty about private matters can build trust and prevent conflicts that arise from misunderstandings and assumptions. If you find you’re not compatible in these areas, be cautious about moving forward. Many find these differences to be irreconcilable.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Have we both dealt with our “baggage”?

Make sure you’re entering into this relationship for the right reasons — and without the past tagging along. Don’t commit as a knee-jerk reaction to your ex finding love elsewhere, or just because you hate being alone.

Have you both dealt enough with your relationship “baggage” that neither is comparing the other to a past relationship? If there’s still a “one that got away” in your life, you won’t be giving your all to the new relationship.

For a relationship to thrive, you need to be fully present. Before you commit, make sure this specific person is the one you want, and that your past, while important in terms of life lessons and character building, isn’t interfering with you giving your best to someone new.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Can I see myself with this person in the future?

If you can’t see yourself with this person in a few months, let alone a few years, you’re not ready to commit. And if you can already identify things that might derail the relationship, you need to talk. You don’t have to know, without a doubt, that this person is “the one,” but if you already know they’re not, why are you investing your time, energy and heart on someone you don’t want to be with in the future? It’s not fair to either of you.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Have we established mutual trust and respect?

Do you treat each other well? Do you feel like the person you’re with wants the best for you? Are you excited for each other’s dreams?  Would you describe the person you’re with as trustworthy, respectful and considerate?

A relationship missing these ingredients is already filled with red flags. You want to be with someone who treats you well, and with someone whom you deeply respect.

Question to ask yourself before committing: Do I really like this person?

It sounds trite, but it’s so important that you actually enjoy spending significant amounts of time with the person you’re about to commit to. Do you really, really like him? Do you care about the details of his life? Does she preoccupy your thoughts? Are you just interested in being in a relationship, or are you craving a relationship with this particular individual? If you like the person you’re dating, in a Bridget Jones “just as you are” kind of way, keep moving forward.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/questions-to-ask-yourself-before-committing/#.UjrMXMZ6bnc

Dating Deal Breakers: 8 Signs We All Overlook

Your friends say, "No one's perfect." Your mother says, "Keep an open mind." But we've learned the hard way that seemingly small, easily ignorable offenses are beacons of trouble to come.

The 14.5 Percent Tip

Dinner was lovely, and he made you laugh and, as promised, the chicken mole was nothing short of revelatory. But then, as you noticed and tried not to notice you were noticing, he was snippy to the waitstaff and left an underwhelming tip. Yes, you can spin this into a playful little debate about whether tips ought to be performance-based, and maybe it will be amusing in aSeinfeld-y way. Still. Think it through. He might have made charming conversation and looked meaningfully into your eyes, but if this relationship progresses, sister, someday you're going to be the one bringing him a plate of spaghetti and getting the stink eye.

Bertha. His Pet Boa Constrictor

If life were a movie, a pet boa constrictor would read as "quirky." But this is no Wes Anderson film; this is a life you have to live. And boa constrictors live up to 30 years and keep growing that entire time. That's three decades of feeding a snake live rodents. In your home. This is someone who did not think things through, who was not able to reconcile in his imagination, when he bought old Bertha after sophomore-year finals, the possibility of his future children and how they might not enjoy watching the daily devouring of rodents. You're a grownup. You need someone who can think like a grownup, which sometimes involves looking 30 years into the future.

He Can't Hook Up the DVR

We all like to believe that we have no gender-based expectations. We are modern people, of course we are, and we don't need any man to build us a fire or change the flat tire anymore than we need someone else to bring home the bacon! But you do have to be honest with yourself. What do you really, really expect of your life partner? Like, I think of myself as someone who is independent in most factions of life, but let's be real, I need someone else to be the one who knows how to tame the technology-cord-snake-Medusa. If it weren't for my husband, I would live in a house without Internet, cable, music or, probably, working electric lamps.

Sulking at Cousin Sandy's 60th Birthday Party

We've all heard that you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother. But what about your mother? Or, for that matter, your great-aunt? When he sulks with a teenager's intensity every time you want to hang out with your family, he's revealing a great deal about his relative philosophy. If you wear your great-grandmother's cameo brooch and named your cat after your uncle, you probably need someone who gets it. This is assuming you actually do enjoy hanging out with your family; if they are total loons and you know it, consider cutting him a break.

He Thought Your Dental Floss Was Fishing Line

Eyes may be the windows to a person's soul, but teeth are a pretty good indicator of where his head is. If he doesn't take good care of his teeth, he's probably pretty cavalier about his health in general. I think this should be part of any responsible first-date diagnostic: close you eyes for a moment and imagine convincing this person to get a colonoscopy. Romantic? No. Important, if you want to connect with someone who is going to live a long, healthy life and encourage you to do the same? Yes.

He Thinks You're a Masseuse

So you're at a party, and you go to get another mini-quiche, and you overhear him talking about you in glowing terms. You flush a bit and, of course, stop to listen. "She's so great," he's saying. "And how cool is it that she's a professional masseuse?" But you're not. You're a licensed physical therapist—a job you described in extensive detail on dates Nos. 2 and 3. That explains why he's always demanding backrubs. But also, it indicates some deeper trouble: If he can't even be bothered to find out what it is you actually do, is he really interested in you? Even if he's memorized your job title, though—does he care? Did he listen at all? Or was he too excited about the idea of free massages to hear what you were trying to tell him?

He Won't Put His Face in the Water

If he can't wholeheartedly commit to swimming a lap, one is forced to wonder if he can ever commit to anything at all.

You Don't Huff His Sweaty Shirts

A recent study published in Lake Forest College's publication Eukaryon found that "a person chooses a mate with advantageous genes through odor." If his taste in music makes you swoon and you share a favorite restaurant but you don't thrill to the smell of his neck, perhaps you've found a mate with DISadvantageous genes.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Dating-Dealbreakers-Bad-Relationships-Signs/8

Five Big Online Dating Profile Mistakes Made by Women over 40

Is your profile withering away online? Is it attracting the interest of couch potatoes, the chronically ill or the guys just looking for a little action? If so, you are likely making at least one of the mistakes commonly made by women over 40 who are using online dating as their new discos. (Really…where do you meet men these days?)

Unfortunately, all it takes is one major profile mistake to potentially sabotage any chance of finding love — or even a few good dates. Because, let’s face it, the odds are not in our favor, ladies. As we get older the man-to-woman ratio moves more and more lopsided. Some statistics show that for every man over 50, there are up to 5 women; over 60, ten women, and so on. Ugh! The days of sitting back and waiting for anything incoming are over. If you want to be noticed and rise to the top, it pays to create the best possible profile and keep it polished and shiny. Because if it doesn’t catch his interest right away, it only takes a single click for him to find one that does.

The good news is that unlike a lot of things in life, your profile is easy to change and update. And once you know how it is inadvertently turning off the men who are looking for a positive, fun connection, it’s really not that difficult. Here are the top five profile mistakes common to women over 40, along with specific tips to make your profile more appealing and reflective of the best you.

1) It’s a shopping list. Your profile is your calling card, not a wish list. Once you’ve hit your 40s and beyond, you kind of know what works for you and what doesn’t. Many women use their profile as a list of their likes and dislikes. That can be a turn-off. The purpose of your profile is to market you. If you do a good job describing yourself and painting a picture of what it feels like to be in a relationship with you, it will attract the right men and repel the wrong ones. So focus more on what you have to offer, and less on what they can do for you. I guarantee you’ll see the immediate payoff in the quality of men you attract.

2) It’s too needy. Here are some statements I see every day in women’s profiles: “I’ve waited so long for the right relationship and I hope it’s finally my time.” “I’m ready to be his everything.” “I’m looking for a relationship where we are totally devoted to each other.” While some of this may be true for you, it’s not something to put in a profile. The man reads this as you having incredibly high expectations and reliance on your relationship for your happiness. Remember, he doesn’t even know you. If you wouldn’t say it on your first date, don’t write it in your profile.

3) It’s not needy enough. Women in their 40s, 50s and beyond are particularly guilty of this. After all, you’ve probably accomplished a lot in your life without a man and are prepared to continue doing so. Be careful not to sound like there is no room in your life for a relationship. It often goes something like this: “I spend my days as a busy lawyer and my evenings teaching courses at the local college. Many weekends are spent training for my next marathon and singing in my church choir.” Whew!  You can go on to say that you look forward to a relationship, but really…where can a man possibly see time for himself in that picture? Also, avoid these statements: “I don’t need a man, but it would be nice to have one in my life.” Or, “I’ve been fine all these years without a man but I’ll make room for the right one .” Men, just like women, don’t want to feel like an accessory in someone else’s life. They especially need to feel needed and like an important contributor to your life. If you make it sound like you can take it or leave it, they are likely to help you leave it.

4) It’s too boring. “I love spending time with my friends, volunteering and reading novels.” When a man reads this his eyes glaze over and he moves on to the next profile. It’s too generic, common and, frankly says nothing about you that’s interesting. Instead, be more specific and paint a picture for him. Such as, “A great evening for me is trying out the newest ethnic food restaurant with a few good friends and disagreeing about the controversial exhibit at the art museum.” Or, “Sunday mornings you’ll find me at the SPCA walking dogs and then off to my favorite breakfast joint for their fresh brewed coffee and chile relleno. I like mine extra spicy.” (Okay, doesn’t hurt to flirt a little.)

5) You sound like a Debbie Downer. Does your profile sound like someone who likes to have a good time? Don’t be negative or too serious. “I’ve tried online dating before and it didn’t work, but I’m trying it again.” Or “I’ve had a lot of challenges and hardships over the last 20 years and now I’m ready for a change.” Or “I’ve devoted my life to my children and caring for my elderly parents…now it’s my turn.” Again, this all may be true, but it’s important to let your prospective match know that spending time with you will be enjoyable…otherwise why would they want to contact you? When was the last time you read a man’s profile and thought “Wow, he sounds like he really needs me to cheer him up…I definitely want to meet him!” Spend your initial time letting him know how you relax and enjoy yourself and how being with you will add positively to both of your lives. You can roll out the “heavy” information as you get to know each other.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/five-big-online-dating-profile-mistakes-made-by-women-over-40/#.UjhtJsZ6bnc

10 Signs He's Cheating On You

IS HE
A CHEATER?

Studies reveal that 50 to 60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at one time or another during their marriage. Often the women in their lives have no clue what they did. You need to have some basic knowledge to protect yourself. So how does one spot a cheater? Here are 10 warning signs that your man may stray... or that he is already cheating on you.

HE HAS CHEATED BEFORE

Undoubtedly, past cheating behavior is the most reliable predictor for future cheating behavior.

HE IS A NARCISSIST

People with narcissistic personality traits feel that they're entitled to more things than other people. They're more likely to cheat because they feel they don't have to play by the rules.

HE HAS NO SENSE OF GUILT

Men who don't feel remorse or guilt when they do something wrong are prime candidates for cheating. They won't have those emotions holding them back.

HE'S AN EXCELLENT LIAR

If he is good at lying about other things in his life, then he is likely good at lying to you about cheating.

HE LEARNED IT AT HOME

If one or both of his parents were routinely unfaithful, then he is more likely to be inclined to cheat.

HE RECENTLY LOST HIS JOB

Unemployment puts strain on a marriage and can make a man feel vulnerable, especially if the job was important to him and defined his identity. When a man doesn't feel so good about himself, he may boost his self-esteem through an affair.

HE IS SPENDING LESS TIME WITH YOU

You're watching TV; he's on the computer. You go to bed; he stays up late. You're in the same house but not really together. If a man is organizing his life to spend less time with you, it doesn't really matter whether he has met someone. Behavior like this signals a distance that becomes a breeding ground for infidelity.

HE IS BEING LESS AFFECTIONATE

Perhaps he doesn't cuddle with you in bed anymore. Or he comes to bed fully dressed when he once slept nude. These are all ways of disconnecting and may indicate he is getting his intimacy somewhere else.

HIS COMPUTER HABITS HAVE CHANGED

Check his computer's browser history once in a while to see where he's been. A new and secretive email account would be a red flag. A new email account doesn't necessarily mean your significant other is having an affair; but it becomes more likely if he is not willing to share the content of the account with you.

HIS CELL PHONE HABITS HAVE CHANGED

Lastly, beware of new cell phone habits. For example, he suddenly gets a new phone with a password lock. Or perhaps now he keeps his cell phone in his pocket when in the past he would leave it on the counter. Or maybe he used to make calls and send texts while you were around, but now excuses himself each time the phone rings.

DEALING WITH INFIDELITY

If your suspicions have been confirmed - and it turns out he is (or has been) cheating, we turned to some experts for advice on how to deal.

65 percent of unfaithful couples end up remaining together.

The first step in dealing with infidelity is to recognize whether your relationship should be salvaged, explains relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle.  "65 percent of unfaithful couples end up remaining together," she says, adding that with the right help, their relationships can become stronger than they ever were.  But getting there requires commitment and help from a therapist. Though devastating, Carle explains that cheating can actually be a blessing in disguise. "I contend that cheating is the best thing to happen to a shaky relationship because finally, a couple will be shaken enough to decide either to mend their love or end their love," she says.
Dr. Sharon Rivkin, MA, MFT and author of Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy, also advocates getting professional help (if you've decided to remain in the relationship), but also suggests looking at the patterns of behavior and argument frequency that set the relationship up for an affair in the first place. "When you start getting to the root of the affair, clarity sets in, and you can decide if you want to stay or leave.  But until you really address these questions, it could happen again," she says.
Ultimately, how you deal with a cheating partner is up to you, but do something - don't just let the situation hang in the air without resolution of some kind.




http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813302/10-signs-he-s-cheating-on-you/page:2

10 Ways To Flirt With Your Face

Face first - Never mind body language, your face alone is all he needs to see to get the green-light signals on that first date... Allow your gaze to drink in what you see. According to experts when we look at the faces of friends our eyes move in a triangle - from eye to eye and down at the nose and mouth. If we're attracted to the person, the triangle gets wider at the bottom as we look further down and incorporate their body into our gaze.

Lingering looks - Holding his gaze is the most self-assured way to give him the green light. But you wouldn't want to have sex without foreplay, would you? Therefore build things up gradually. Catch his eye briefly at first then lower your gaze. Look up again holding for longer this time and teaming with a hint of a smile.

Bat your lashes - It's widely known that our pupils dilate when we're looking at someone we find attractive. But did you know we apparently blink more, too? Up your blink rate and see if he does the same. If he does, you're onto a winner. But don't go overboard or he may just think you have something stuck in your eye.

Lingering lips - Once you get the hang of the ‘love triangle', allow your gaze to linger on his lips for a little longer from time to time. This is a super-sensual move and indicates that you are wondering what it would be like to kiss him.

Pouting can be sexy when it's done right (see next tip) but first things first - you want him to know that you actually like being with him. And nothing shouts that more clearly than natural, happy smiles and laughter. A real smile as opposed to a fake one will cause wrinkles at the corner of your eyes but don't worry, he'll see this as your eyes lighting up - not a sign that you have crow's feet.

Forget the Victoria Beckham impressions. Research suggests men find moody looking women a turn-off. Pouting is not about puckering your lips like you're sucking a lemon. The sexiest pout is when you relax your mouth and allow your bottom lip to drop slightly open so he can see a little bit of white teeth showing through.

Touching your face, mouth or hair is a subconscious sign of sensuality. It will tell him that you're a tactile person and give the signal that you want to touch him and be touched. He'll be hot under the collar in no time.

It's a female instinct to bring out your feminine wiles when on a full-on charm offensive. Slightly tilting your head so you're looking up at him coyly , twiddling your hair and biting your lower lip are all instinctive girlie tactics that will bring out his masculine side. 

Now that you've learned a bit more about the secret signs that will tell him you're keen hopefully the information will have been absorbed by your subconscious. Don't spend too much time thinking about your body language and facial expressions. Simply relax and enjoy the company of your date and your face will naturally do the talking.

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/dating-guide/10-ways-to-flirt-your-face-104758#

Relationship Expert Advice For Happily Ever Afters

You may have found your prince, but what happens when he begins looking more like a toad?

Where is my happily ever after? We have all been exposed over and over to romantic stories from movies and television, and the story always ends when the romantic partners finally get together and live happily ever after. In actuality, this is when the realrelationship story begins. There are several stages that relationships go through over time, but most of us want the happily ever after — and believe our relationship should be easy. This is a myth. Satisfying, mature, relationships happen when both people work hard to maintain a sense of safety with each other.

According to Stan Tatkin PhD, there are a few stages in love relationships. These stages will help you identify where you are in the development of your own relationship. All three involve very different emotional states, so they require an adjustment with each transition.

The 3 Love Relationship Stages

1. Romantic Love
You are driven in this stage to idealize your potential partner. You experience the emotions of joy, and excitement. The novelty of a new love leads you to think about your partner day and night, imagining all the possibilities of how this person can fulfill your deepest desires. You want to spend every moment of every day with your new partner in the bliss of newly discovered love.

Here, you should remember the saying, "If it's too good to be true it usually is." There's a reason for this adage. In this stage of romance, your brain is not able to access and incorporate red flags, or flaws in your potential partner. You only see their potential and how you feel when you are with them. Your brain is literally addicted to the feeling of being in love. In this stage, you biologically lose your brain's prefrontal lobes' (the thinking and logical part of the brain) ability to reason.

Romantic love is the fodder of Hollywood movies and stories. Romantic love sells, and we can't get enough of it. But media representations of these stories give a false sense of what a relationship should look like, and set us up for disappointment in real relationships.

2. Realistic Love 
As a counselor, I hear the same story over and over, "Our relationship is not easy or fun anymore." This is the beginning of the second stage of love relationships, which is realistic love. It is most often in this stage that people get stuck. Idealization of your partner diminishes and you begin to see who your partner really is — and they begin to see you. All your flaws are exposed to each other and it is here when couples start really being challenged in the relationship.

It is in this stage where couples either make it or break it. The time frame for this stage varies wildly. Some relationships are ditched immediately, others endure bickering and unmet needs for many years. If you only believe in romantic love, your bubble will undoubtedly be burst in this stage. You will begin to feel cheated, or that you "settled" for a partner who is not the person you fell in love with. You will begin to feel resentful, and resort to blaming your partner for your unmet needs. Thus starts a cycle of blaming, hurt and despair. If you feel this is you, contact a marriage counselor sooner rather than later.

In my experience, couples wait too long to seek counseling. They live for years with blame, resentment and hurt before they seek help. Sometimes one partner is doing all the work to keep the relationship together and ultimately this strategy results in feeling depleted and frustrated. Eventually the depleted partner will decide they are totally done, and their partner will be surprised when the relationship ends. Some partners will step up to the plate and begin giving to the relationship when they realize they can no longer just take from it.

There is a healthy way to transition through this stage of realistic love relationship and move to a more mutually safe and secure functioning. I encourage any couple that recognizes they are living with negative patterns of behavior to get help with their relationship. This help will involve learning about yourself and your partner at a fundamentally deeper level. Find out what your unmet needs are, and work to feed your partner's unmet needs too.

Moving through this stage and staying together is a choice. According to MailOnline Blog, the UK's Leading sexpert Tracey Cox states long-term relationships need commitment. It is commitment to stay together no matter what obstacles are thrown your way that makes a difference. You both choose to work on the relationship. Over time, you can enjoy the benefits of this work by moving into mature love.

3. Mature Love
This stage is marked by safety and security in the relationship. Both people feel fulfilled and cared for by the other person. Isn't that what you want and desire? The only way to get obtain mature love is to work through the previous stages: there are no shortcuts. In this stage you and your partner know each other at a deep and intrinsic level. You know your own desires and wounds, and you choose to accept your partner's desires and wounds in turn. In other words, you have each other's backs — for better or worse.

Every one is human and makes mistakes. Each stage of love is wrought with mistakes; the important thing is that the two of you commit to working through the mistakes and building safety together. In this stage, love is an action and a feeling word. No longer worried about losing the relationship, you can experience this type of love as safe, satisfying and passionate.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/teresa-maples/where-my-happily-ever-after

What to Do When You're Devastated After a Breakup

Most of us have experienced the devastation of a heart-wrenching breakup. Moving on from a hurtful split can be difficult work, but there are steps you can take to make the healing begin. According to Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity, these steps can help the process of healing begin.

Ask For Help
Now's the time to reach out to your friends and family. Don't be afraid to depend on others when you need it. Invite your sister over or take a walk with a friend—just be sure to get out of the house, eat well, and move. Doing so will get you to the next stage.

Use Your Time
In bad relationships, we often tend to fall into patterns of trying to fit into the relationship instead of considering what our own purpose might be. Now that you're out of the relationship, use the time to re-identify and reshape who you are. Use your emotional energy to ask some of the big questions: What do you want to be? What do you want to do? If you don't have an answer, think about your dreams and talents from childhood. Those early desires might reawaken something within!

Give To Others
Do something kind for other people. You might visit sick children in a hospital or help the homeless. Remember, as difficult as this time might be, your life is still valuable. There's a lot of important work to do, and a lot of people who you can help.

Create New Traditions
Use this time to get closer to the people you love, especially your children. Even if you need to be sad with them, you can come together to support each other. Try to create new traditions (like a regular movie night or volunteer time) with your family. Say to yourself, "In a year, I want to look back on this time and realize that I was changing my life for the better."

Educate Yourself Financially
A bad breakup affects emotions, but it also affects your finances. Go to the library and read books on managing your money. Feel secure so that you can create a financial future.

A Final Word
After a bad breakup, it's normal to experience feelings of sadness, loss, and anger. But if you feel yourself falling into despair, or you can't function, it may be time to speak with a counselor, minister, rabbi, or other trusted person.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Get-Over-a-Breakup

Divorce Survival Tips

Experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you're getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets - you're not as powerless as you may feel.

1. Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
2. Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
3. Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse's social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
4. Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
5. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
6. Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
7. Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don't co-sign for your spouse.
8. Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
9. Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
10. Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won't beat you to it.
11. Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it's discretionary, and it won't last forever.
12. Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It's better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
13. Don't put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don't involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It's bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
14. Don't alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it's bad for the children.
15. Child support is mandated by law " don't worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
16. Document any type of abuse.
17. Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won't talk to your spouse.
18. Don't fall for the hype. Don't let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn't make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/619

Think He’ll Propose? 17 Things You Need to Know Before You Get Married

Getting engaged is one of the happiest times of your life, for sure, but before you decide to spend the rest of your days with someone, it’s important to know that you’re really, really ready to commit. Here’s what you need to know about yourself, your guy and your relationship before you say “yes.”

1. Whether You Really Love Him — Or the Idea of Getting Married

You don’t want to marry Mr. I-Suppose-He’s-Right just because you’re caught up in bridal excitement, or because it seems like the logical next step or because everyone you know is tying the knot. To be sure it’s the guy you want, and not just the Mrs. title, psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness, suggests asking yourself these questions: Can you imagine any other man in your wedding/honeymoon/married life plans? Would you still want to marry your guy if it was just the two of you at the courthouse? Think carefully about your answers before taking the next step.

2. That You Love Him Just As He Is (Because He’s Not Going to Change)

What irritates you about your guy now will really grate on you after you’re married. He’s a total slob? A night owl when you’re an early bird? Don’t kid yourself into thinking he’ll change once you’re hitched — that’s a blueprint for disappointment, says sex therapist Lisa Paz. “Assume that any negative qualities you’re seeing will remain negative, and be realistic about what you’re willing to live with,” she says. So decide what’s a dealbreaker and what’s not before your boyfriend becomes your husband.

3. What His Financial Situation Is

Beyond what he pulls down in salary, you should know how much he has in savings, how much debt he’s carrying and — this is important — how he accrued it. “You don’t want any surprises after marriage,” says Lisa Decker, founder of Divorce Money Matters. Ask these questions before you’re married so you have an understanding of what caused any problems and how to prevent them from happening again. Sure, the conversation takes some finesse, but you can ease into it by discussing your hopes and dreams together, Decker says. “That opens the door to sharing what your money history has been.”

4.  Whether You Both Want Children

Some couples want six kids — others can’t even imagine having one. What ultimately matters though, is that you both know in your gut how you feel about the “having kids” question. Sit down with your fiancé and have a true heart-to-heart: Discuss where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years and if kids are part of that vision. If you’re not on the same page, one of you will have to compromise in a big way, says Dr. Paz, which may be very stressful (or even a dealbreaker).

5. How to Eat at a Restaurant Alone

When your guy’s not around, there’s no need to be stuck at home with a Lean Cuisine — do something fun by yourself. “Many people aren’t comfortable doing this because they imagine others are judging them for being alone,” says Lombardo. But the reality is, most folks are probably too wrapped up in their own thoughts to ponder why you’re solo. So enjoy your meal and your alone time. It sends the healthy message to your guy that you don’t need him to entertain you every night. That kind of independence is sexy!

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/think-hell-propose-17-things-you-need-to-know-before-you-get-married/#.Uim3Lca1Hnc

15 Signs It's Just Sex, Not a Relationship..

I hear so many of my friends talking about how they met a guy and had wonderful sex and then the guy only calls or comes by when he wants sex. Ok honey what you need to know is that what you had with him was a physical attraction that magnified feelings of a deeper nature. Now let me make myself clear he is not a bad guy, for the most part, he was simply thinking “it’s just sex.. what’s the harm in that?”. So here are some super signs to look for to see if it is just sex:

1.

Every time you see each other it’s only to have sex. So many women and men are having this type of relationship thinking that it’s more and it’s not. It’s just sex.

2.

Only comes over at night. They call you around 10 pm or later asking if you can come over or if they can come over around midnight. A lot of people think “oh they are just really busy” no they are calling for a booty call. It’s just sex.

3.

Doesn’t want to go out anywhere. Yes staying at home is nice sometimes but there is a whole world outside of the bedroom. It’s just sex

4.

Never talks about family and friends. Think, do you even know if their parents are alive, do they have siblings. If you don’t know it might just be sex.

5.

Doesn’t want to hear about your family and friends. Are you bummed out about your family and want to talk about it and they don’t want to hear about it. It could be just sex

6.

Phone conversations or text messages are only in a sexual nature. Some relationships are like this but others are just sex.

7.

You only meet at places where sex can occur. Only going to their house/apartment or vice verse might just be sex.

8.

No sleepovers. They come over at midnight have sex and then around 2 am they want to go home or send you home. Oh yeah it’s just sex.

9.

You don’t eat together. Ever hear that old saying “a couple that eats together stays together”.

10.

They take a shower right after sex and send you on your way. Normally you want to rest a bit and maybe talk. When they all of a sudden they want you to leave it’s probably just sex.

11.

Never talk about life outside the bedroom. There are so many other things going on that you could talk about.

12.

You only have a cell phone or beeper number. It could be just sex

13.

When you talk it’s only to setup a sex time. You call them and setup a time to meet and you end up having sex. It’s just sex.

14.

They avoid you in public. You see them and you know they saw you and they turn away. It’s just sex.

15.

Only spends a couple of hours with you. Only spend enough time with you to have sex. Then it’s just sex.

Is He 'The One' or Just Another Someone?

5 Men You Need to Meet (But Not Marry)

Some guys may teach you something, says the author of the riveting novel The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. That doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your life with them.

1. The One Who Never Wanted to Commit—Until He Met You

This sounds like the dream, right? The guy who proclaimed to all that he'd never settle down with anyone ever, and then ate his words when you came along? But the problem is that no matter how wowed by you he is now, the moment things become less exciting, less overwhelmingly amazing between the two of you (and the moment will come), he is likely to have second thoughts. And that will make you feel awful. Maybe you'll sense it happening, in which case you'll probably try harder, to do whatever you can to make sure things don't get less exciting. But that's a basis for a performance, not a marriage. 

You need to meet this guy, however, so that when you meet the guy you should marry you can tell the difference. The one you ought to marry will be a person who wants to be in a committed relationship and who will work with you to make your marriage strong. He won't feel he has made a mistake, or been duped, every time something between the two of you isn't perfect, because he will already know that relationships, like other true and meaningful things, operate on an axis that has nothing to do with perfect—they are messy, real, evolving things. That's what's so great about them. 

2. The Guy Who Knows Everyone, I Mean, Everyone, In Town

This is a guy who'll save you when you need to get a table at the hot, new restaurant or a contact at a company to which you're thinking of sending your resume. But be wary. This guy is always chatting on the phone—or sending emails or responding to texts—during dinners, holidays, all the times when you long for attention. Makes sense: He's responding to all those other people who need an in at that trendy restaurant or a professional contact, after all, and he's got to keep his Rolodex up-to-date; it requires constant effort. His desire to help, his sociability, these are some of his best qualities—as a friend. 

3. The Funny, Charming, Sensitive Guy Who Pouts and Says "Nothing" When You Ask Him If Something's Wrong

He's got so many wonderful qualities. So please, date him—if only because you'll learn a lot about the importance of another quality: open communication. The thing about marriage is that it's really long. You might be the greatest, most thoughtful and kind-hearted person in the world; I guarantee you are still going to occasionally piss him off. 

It's easier, for all of us, to sit in silence and seethe and think self-righteously that if our partners were better people, they would know why we are mad and wouldn't have to ask. It's a lot harder to say, "I know you didn't mean it, but that joke you made in front of our friends about my slow work habits made me feel lame." Yet, so much of marriage comes down to just those moments—spitting it out, explaining what's wrong and giving your partner a chance to apologize and do better the next time. The brooding guy who punishes you with silence? After a while, you're likely to become so afraid of making him angry—and so unsure of what exactly bothers him since he never tells you—that you'll have to tiptoe around him. 

4. The Guy Who Is So Good-Looking—or Wealthy or Successful—That All Your Friends Are in Awe

Here's my advice: See what it feels like to walk into a room with him. Watch your friends' and acquaintances' eyes widen ever so slightly. Just remember, it can be hard to separate the feeling of pride and exhilaration that comes from having won the affection of someone deemed desirable from the more tender feelings that are the basis of love. Marriage is made up of so many amazing moments other than walking into rooms. Make sure the guy you marry is the guy you most want to stay up late with when it's just the two of you, the one you love being alone with at home. 

5. The Earnest, Bright-Eyed Younger Man Who Adores You

This guy not only wants to commit your every utterance to memory but also heartens you with his sweetness and solemn desire to find love. This will help you more than you know, especially on those days when the men you've dated have caused you to question whether guys even have feelings. (We all have those days.) This man will help you to feel optimistic about humanity and about yourself. But you can't get romantic with him over the long term. Not because of his age—there's nothing wrong with walking down the aisle with someone younger—but because one-sided adoration inevitably curdles into resentment that the feeling isn't mutual. You might not even want to get romantic with him in the short term because he might feel some real feelings and what you might really like is the flattering reflection of yourself you see in his admiring gaze. By choosing to let him go, you'll have done the right thing—acting in the best interests of two connected people—which is exactly what's required when you meet the man you so, so, so need to marry. 

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Not-Marry-the-Wrong-Person/3

Are You (Really) Ready for a Relationship? Here’s How to Tell…

Calling all singles: Think you’re ready for a relationship? Now is the time to check in with yourself and determine whether you really and truly are ready for a relationship. Though you may tell yourself you’re sure you’re ready and really want to settle down with someone, you first have to look at your behavior. Ultimately, your behavior – not what you say – is the truth-teller.

A recent session with a client of mine in his late 20s perfectly reflects the push-pull between what we think we want versus what we actually want. Jake sat on the green corduroy couch in my office and played with the zipper on his hoodie. He talked about his erratic love life and had just finished recounting yet another experience he’d had, this time with a woman he met the previous Saturday night. “I just really want a girlfriend,” he proclaimed, looking out the window and letting out a big sigh. In one quick sentence, he summed up what he thought he wanted.

Simply put, I saw things differently. Jake didn’t really want a girlfriend, as much as he tried to tell himself otherwise. How did I know? Because his behavior told me what he actually wanted. Note that Jake spent most weekends hitting the bars with his buddies and having hookups that never went anywhere. Did Jake’s behavior show that all he wanted was to hookup? That he was in total denial when he said that he wanted a girlfriend? With Jake, as with most people, the reality is not so black and white. The truth is that Jake was conflicted: A part of him wanted real intimacy with a girlfriend, while the other part enjoyed the highs that came with hookups.

In short, Jake’s behavior showed that he was not truly ready for a healthy romantic relationship. In order to get there, he would need to become more discerning in terms of who he was intimate with; self-medicate less with the highs of alcohol and other exploits; and mix up his weekend routine with more diverse activities than going to the same ol’ bars and clubs. What’s more, Jake is not alone. I know and work with many men and women who say they want a real relationship while their behavior clearly indicates otherwise.

When it comes to you and your love life, your behavior is the first place to start when asking yourself if you’re really ready for a relationship. The only way you’re going to find and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is if you start it on a reasonably solid foundation, which means that you need to have your (bleep) together.

When you’re truly ready for a good adult relationship, your behaviors will reflect how balanced you are. Take a look at some of the requirements for being ready for a relationship below.

1. Your church is not a bar or nightclub. Going out to bars or nightclubs isn’t necessarily a bad thing or a deterrent to finding a good relationship. The issue is more about how you feel and act when you’re there which indicates whether you’re really ready for a relationship. If you’re drinking a lot when you go out, you’re not in a position to start a good relationship. Sure, you can meet someone, but it’s not your best self you’re putting forward, so you’re going to end up with someone who’s not good for you. If you love to go out but want a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it: Introduce yourself to people and, when you meet someone you like, make plans to see them in a different environment.

2. You’ve reflected on why your past relationships didn’t work. There’s no riper time to play The Blame Game than when you end a relationship. Everyone loves to point the finger at the other person, but it takes two people to mess up a relationship. When you’re really ready for another relationship, you can look back on past relationships and see which behaviors you engaged in that were unhealthy and counterproductive. What’s more, when you look back at those relationships, you don’t feel — wait for it – bitter. You might feel angry at your ex for good reasons, but you don’t feel bitter (a feeling that’s a mix of anger and hopelessness).

3. You have retired from the drama. Not only can you understand why past relationships didn’t work, you can now safely say – and feel it with emotion – that you have retired from the drama that comes with bad relationships and are ready to calm down and have a real adult relationship. When you hear friends talk about their exploits with so-and-so who stood them up or their fights followed by crazy make-up sex, you sigh and remind yourself that you have no place for that drama any longer in your life. You feel wiser, more mature, and know more than ever before what you want and need from your next partner.

The goal for everyone is to match what they say they want with the behavior they engage in, and that is a lot more difficult than it sounds. However, if you look more closely at your feelings and your behavior, you will be one step closer to a relationship that’s good for you. Just imagine!

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/03/04/how-to-know-if-youre-really-ready-for-a-relationship/#.Uihavja1Hnc