When searching for love, it feels like you can't win. You're told that to find a good relationship, you should first be happy alone. But if you are content solo, then you're "too independent." So you admit that being single can be lonely…and are informed that you reek of desperation!
Before I met my husband, Mark, my single friends and I would talk about the many theories our loved ones offered up about why we hadn't found someone. They meant well, but now I know they were just plain wrong (I wasn't afraid of commitment; I just hadn't found the right guy!). I talked to so many women about the clueless feedback they hear that I was inspired to write a book—It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single. Here, why the top "reasons" for why you're single are a bunch of bunk.
1. "You're Too Intimidating/Independent"
For years, people told Suzanne that her confidence and professional success made her intimidating. No, she wasn't the CEO of a multinational company—she was a communications consultant who owned a house and a couple of cars. She happened to enjoy the occasional dinner alone at a sushi restaurant.
"My male friends told me my life could scare men away, because where is there room for them? They said I needed to look more vulnerable. I didn't know what that looked like. How do you show someone there is room for them without also coming off as weak and needy?" she says. That's the problem, isn't it? Just when you start getting your act together—hitting your stride in your career, creating a nice home for yourself and a strong network of friends and family—someone invariably comes along to tell you that everything you've built will actually harm your chance of finding love.
Suzanne knew her friends had her best interests in mind, so when a new boyfriend acted wistful about his more passive ex-girlfriends, she decided to do an experiment. On a bowling night with friends, she decided to be his kind of girl—asking for lots of advice, including whether she should get a hot dog or a burger. "I kept getting gutter balls. He responded really well to that," she says. One female friend commented that she thought Suzanne's boyfriend was good for her because she was more vulnerable with him. "I remember thinking, 'So this is what I have to do? I don't know if I can sustain this,'" Suzanne says.
That's the first problem with advice that tells you to be someone you're not—even if it temporarily appeases the other person, it's not going to make you happy. But the bigger problem is that this idea that having a spine and a brain will hurt your chance of finding love is baloney. The truth is, women with college degrees and higher incomes are actually just as likely to marry as their less accomplished peers. They're also less likely to divorce.
Sure, there are wimps who can't deal with a woman who can fix a leaky faucet or buy her own house, but that's not all men. Instead of trying to squash your spirit to please some insecure dude, why not wait for a guy who has the cojones to cheer when you get a promotion or bowl a strike? That's what Suzanne did, and she's now happily married to a man with the confidence to let her pick her own damn sandwich.
WHAT TO SAY BACK
"I didn't realize so many guys were such delicate flowers! I think I'll hold out for one who's man enough to date me."
2. "You're Too Picky"
When I asked women what their friends and family said about why they were alone, this was the overwhelming favorite. It's a nice fail-safe, since it's pretty hard to prove wrong. If he was rude to the waitress last night, maybe he was having a bad day. "Give him another chance!" is the cry of the reasonable.
My single friends and I would puzzle over this: Were our standards too exacting? None of us had salary requirements. We weren't looking for men to support us, although they did need to be able to support themselves. In fact, the only standard that truly mattered to any woman I knew was the one articulated by my friend Caitlin. "I want to find a guy who is as sweet and surprising as my friends are but who I also want to make out with," she said. I have yet to meet a happily coupled person whose significant other fails to clear this bar.
Caitlin did indeed find a guy like this, and they've been happily married for years. But when we were single, this attitude made us nuts— "Are you sure? Why not just go on one more date?"
Here's what we failed to see: Our friends weren't trying to make us feel bad. After all, accusing a single person of being too selective is a compliment in a way. It assumes that scads of people want to be with you.
Plus, there is a reason we got so much feedback. We asked for it…or complained enough that our friends felt compelled to cough up some sort of wisdom. The solution: Stop talking about it. Relying on your own judgment rather than a survey of your 12 closest friends is liberating. You don't have to justify not going on that third OkCupid date if no one knows about the first one.
WHAT TO SAY BACK
"I'm choosing a life partner, not a couch."
3. "You Don't Know How to Play the Game"
The media treats dating like a cosmic tennis match—one in which women are always cast as the losers. Single men, meanwhile, are the great victors, feasting on their many dating options, reveling in their bachelor freedom, getting all that milk for free.
Because of this, there's a tendency for a girl to be on defense. He postponed a dinner date? Failed to call at the appointed time? Then, sister, you are outta there! To win at love, women must put themselves on a pedestal—demanding free dinners and accepting only dates booked far in advance.
Lost in all this defensive dating is the fact that men and women are both looking for the same thing: a partner in this confusing life. So how do you know if you're making excuses for a douche bag or being overly harsh about a guy who's just a little forgetful?
For me, the best guide was How does he make you feel? Was that thoughtless remark a fluke from a guy who's genuinely into you or does it set off alarm bells? Anyway, maybe you will misjudge a guy who turns out to be a rat. But instead of arming yourself with commandments about what you won't accept, isn't it braver to date knowing you could get hurt but you will survive?
WHAT TO SAY BACK
"That's because it's not a sport to me—I'm looking for a boyfriend, not a trophy."
4. "You Should Have Married That Guy"
When Julia broke up with Joe, her mom and sister told her she expected too much from relationships. Julia agreed with them that Joe was a great guy. That's why she had spent two years with him—she wanted it to work. But she also didn't feel a spark, and she refused to settle.
Isn't it funny? At the same time women are expected to be superhuman—nailing the perfect balance of sexy yet modest, independent yet vulnerable—we're also supposed to be grateful for any scrap of male attention that comes our way. So what if he's dull in bed? You can't have it all!
Julia worried her standards were too high…until she met Matt, who confirmed that "I wasn't crazy. I knew what this would feel like and was holding out for it!" she says.
Laurie, a TV exec, admits she was pretty exacting: Her future boyfriend would have to love the arts, not be religious, and live in Manhattan. Then she met a hilarious man named Dave—a Christian who lived in the suburbs and couldn't care less about museums. They've been married for 10 years. Did she settle? "Absolutely not! I feel lucky," she says. Laurie's list was off, but her instincts weren't. She finds Dave smart and attractive, and he treats her like the most desirable woman in the world. Who cares if he doesn't dig the symphony? So how do you know if you're settling? Easy. You're settling if you thinkyou're settling.
WHAT TO SAY BACK
"I decided that years of quiet desperation followed by divorce just wasn't for me."
5. "You're Too Available"
Rose's relationships typically didn't last long. Apart from one three-year romance, most lasted only three to six months. She often asked her married friends for advice.
The diagnosis? "That I was caring too much, trying too hard, and not playing hard to get," says Rose. This is classic dating-guide advice: If you love someone, don't you dare let him know. Keep him guessing, because men love the hunt.
This idea is presented as empowering—appear so confident that you're invulnerable to his opinion. There is a kernel of wisdom in there: Don't let another person determine your worth. But in telling women to act like unavailable ice queens, the message is: Hide your true feelings, because if he sees how you really feel, he will leave. How is that supposed to make you feel confident?
Bitchiness is false confidence. Making someone feel insecure, withholding kindness—this is not how truly confident people behave. Think about the most self-assured people you know. Are they inconsiderate? Do they try to make you feel small? And think about yourself when you've gotten a promotion or a great compliment. Does this wellspring of self-worth make you aloof or are you more likely to say, "You look fantastic!"?
For all of Rose's self-doubt, she also had a small but fierce instinct that one day she'd meet someone who wouldn't need to be manipulated into liking her. She was right. She's now married to a man who adores her…and the fact that she's not afraid to express her feelings. Can you prolong a relationship with an ambivalent dipshit by withholding your affection? Possibly. But why would you want to?
WHAT TO SAY BACK
"I'm a person, not reservations at a hot restaurant. I'm pretty sure there's a guy out there who's smart enough to know the difference."
6. "You Have Issues"
Are you commitmentphobic? Afraid of intimacy? Too close to your father? Not close enough? If you're a single woman who would rather not be single, the pathologies you're accused of are endless.
There's nothing wrong with working through your issues. If you want to conquer your fear of heights, go for it! The problem arises when you try to eradicate your hang-ups as a prerequisite to finding a relationship. Let's face it: If everyone had to shed their psychological baggage before finding a partner, there would be a lot more unattached people in the world. As I'm sure many of your partnered friends demonstrate, it's very possible to be in a happy relationship even if you get anxious at parties or hate your thighs.
Sure, there are those whose emotional issues—from garden-variety intimacy fears to full-blown personality disorders—prevent them from being in committed relationships. The problem is, this pat conclusion has been lobbed at all singles seeking love.
Think about it this way: What if your only issue is the belief that you have issues and that they're keeping you from a relationship? What if you stopped defining yourself as someone with a bad-boy addiction or low self-esteem? What if you instead saw yourself as a flawed but lovable human being? What if the only reason you're alone is because you just haven't met the right partner yet?
WHAT TO SAY BACK
"And you don't?"
