How Can I Find Love?: The Creepy Future of Dating

PREDICTIONS ABOUT SEX, LOVE AND TECH

Robot sex! DNA dating! Dinosaur porn! New York City's Museum of Sex (our favorite museum, for obvious reasons) and data analysis firm sparks & honey have compiled a list of 19 predictions for the future of dating, according to current trends. And we're a little scared.

Microbial match

The prediction: "As we continue to map and explore our DNA and individual microbiomes, anticipate services that match people based on both."

Because nothing says "sexy" like swabbing your cheek and putting a saliva-soaked Q-tip in a Petri dish!

Formula one flirting

The prediction: "The rise of instant gratification social media platforms like Snapchat, Vine, Tinder and Grindr have turned courtship into a fast and furious process. Seasoned speed daters find spontaneous snackable video snippets more authentic."

Mmmmm, snackable video snippets. Did we learn nothing from the Charm, MeetMe and At First Sight apps? Videos of a bro showing off his skillz by dribbling a miniature basketball, a wannabe comedian doing his best Aziz Ansari impression, or some dude trying (and failing) to twerk against a wall aren't exactly what we'd call appealing. Actually, it's what we call "watching a stream of the most awkward homemade YouTube videos ever recorded and then giving up on dating completely." Future, we're kind of disappointed in you.

Selfie scrubbing

The prediction: "We’ve seen a number of auto-correcting retouching services launch, such as Facetune, to fine-tune photos effortlessly. From profile writing to history cleansing, expect perfecting practices to become standard operating procedure for daters of the future."

Oh, come on, like you've never Photoshopped the dark circles under your eyes or chosen the perfect Instagram filter that makes you really, really, really ridiculously good-looking (hmmmm, Kelvin or Nashville?). Besides, no one looks like their online dating profile anyway. Especially not in an age when you can take 1,382 selfies in front of your bathroom mirror and pick the one that accents your eyes but hides your chin. It's an art form, really.

Quantified relationships

The prediction: "Big [bedroom] data from sensors and apps, such as Spreadsheets, provide insights into your 'performance' and why relationships (and sex) work or fail."

Although we love a dude who loves spreadsheets (like this guy, who tracked his online dates in Excel — that's just practical), show us a guy who wants to measure how long he lasts in bed, and we will show you a guy who doesn't exist. Unless he's Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. As fun as sexy sensors sound ("do they vibrate" is what we want to know), sex spreadsheets just aren't going to happen, especially when one person is pissed that the sex is over and one person is fast asleep.

Long-distance foreplay

The prediction: "Recent inventions such as sophisticated sex bots and Fundawear have compressed space and time, making virtual (or long-distance) sex a physical experience. Virtual sex is no longer vicarious, but visceral. This stands to keep relationships intact as society becomes more mobile."

The idea of widely available vibrating underwear is awesome. As are the startups that are trying to makeother interactive vibrators happen. But... if you're interested in something a little more real-feeling than vibes, kissing machines still look like this or this. Hot?

Love metrics

The prediction: "Metrics can now be applied to ephemeral concepts such as love. For the quantified self-inclined, stats help to optimize current relationships, extract learning from mistakes and guide planning the next encounter. Imagine one’s 'love footprint' is not only measured but broadcast."

Um, we'd rather our mistakes not be broadcast. Especially our recurring mistake of falling for the frontmen of various local bands. Also, if everyone were judged on the quality of their exes, we'd all be single forever. Future fail.

Professional cuddlers

The prediction: "A modern (cleaner) spin on the oldest profession is a 'Professional Cuddler,' who simply comforts with hugs a society of singletons. This must be loosely connected to the motivation behind the Free Hugs campaign. Hugging has also become a common greeting practice, sometimes replacing handshakes in U.S. business settings."

Does this read like an Orwell novel to anyone else? If the future is paying someone to hug you — or being forced to hug your creepy boss — we'll be opting out of society, thanks.

Photo credit: Photawa via iStockphoto

Biometric bonking

The prediction: "Whether connecting with a distant loved one, living through another’s experience or having a fresh perspective on an encounter, wearables and virtual reality/augmentation innovations enable unparalleled sexual experiences. With so many different ways to track and manipulate biometrics (heartbeat, breath, sweat, electromagnetism, etc.), we expect 'hooking up' to take on a whole new meaning."

We're not entirely sure what this one means, but if Google Glass can make our boyfriend look and feel like Channing Tatum, we're in!

Cosplay courtship

The prediction: "As cosplay goes from fringe to mainstream, we are seeing the emergence of in-character courtship, such as this Comic-Con speed-dating event. It seems like Second Life has evolved into 'second skin' with costumes becoming important expressions of self. We foresee people discussing the pros and cons of inter-character relationships as they once did about inter-racial relationships."

Does this mean we'll get to have sex with Batman? OMG. In that case, we want to be Poison Ivy. Wait, Harley Quinn. No, Catwoman. No, Wonder Woman. Wait, no! We want to be Daenerys Targaryen fromGame of Thrones and date a real-life version of her super-hot right-hand man, Jorah Mormont. There are so many possibilities here, and most of them involve dudes with sick pecs and abs.

Siri the sex surrogate

The prediction: "As augmented intelligence and video games become increasingly sophisticated, expect humans to get attached to and develop real relationships with their hardware and software. The movieHer deals with love in the age of seductive operating systems."

That's all fine and good, but there need to be many, many advances in technology before this happens. Right now, Siri can't even find the closest Dunkin' Donuts, let alone our G spot.

Photo credit: Warner Bros.

Celibacy syndrome

The prediction: "Finding modern relationships too emotionally complicated, many men and women are choosing not to become romantically involved in any serious way. In Japan, a 2011 survey found that 61 percent of unmarried men and 49 percent of women aged 18 to 34 were not in any kind of romantic relationship."

Who needs a human when you have vibrating underwear, we guess.

New erogenous zones

The prediction: "In an overstimulated world, we seek new forms of heightened stimulation in the hope of discovering new erogenous zones. A bogus story about eyeball licking, also called 'worming,' in Japan went viral and subsequently created interest in erogenous experimentation in the U.S."

Thank God that eyeball-licking story turned out to be bogus, because it made us want to squeeze our eyes shut forever. If new erogenous zones mean sex lasts longer or gets more interesting when you've been with your partner forever, we are all about it. As long as eyeball-licking isn't involved. Shudder.

Porn-programmed minds

The prediction: "Large numbers of men are no longer stimulated by real women due to overstimulation by too much pornography. The growth of erectile dysfunction drugs mirrors the growth of porn media, while the U.S. birthrate has dropped. Today, men and women can choose to subsist solely on porn. Cindy Gallop's 'Make Love Not Porn' organization aims to promote 'real sex' and bring back a sense of humanity and connection for sexual partners."

Well, this one is a bummer. But we're huge advocates of porn that men and women can watch together, especially if guys learn moves other than jackhammer thrusting.

ASMR: Mental massages and braingasms

The prediction: "A growing number of people are discovering the benefits of Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. ASMR is a tingling sensation some people feel when exposed to soothing environmental sounds and soft talking. Proponents of the practice use videos and audio recordings to induce these brain tingles and promote relaxation. Prominent ASMR practitioners such as Lilium make their living making ASMR videos — a kind of therapist/digital friend."

Hello, waste of money! We'll bet asking your boyfriend to softly coo in your ear is cheaper than hiring an online therapist to whisper sweet nothings to you. Also: nature sounds via CD. That works too. In fact, there are free apps for that! Here's one.

Dinosaur erotica and beyond

The prediction: "How strange can it get? While some of the 'sex with mythical creatures' genre was likely inspired by a joke, “Rule 34” is hyperbolically infecting every possible niche of culture. The more absurd and shocking it is, the more viral it goes. Some argue this is having an impact on real life expectations."

Dinosaur sex?! Why, that's just offensive. It's like falling in love with a cold-blooded vampire. Or a shirt-shedding werewolf. Or a fictional businessman who flies helicopters, likes spanking and has an unlimited bank account. Oh, wait.

Revenge analytics

The prediction: "We are a culture obsessed with forensic science; introducing 'relationship forensics.' This is not the future, but reality: Daters are using sophisticated systems to discover dirt (or rave reviews) about their potential mates. From confessional websites to revenge porn posts to Dirty Phonebook, the internet can be both fierce and forever. Never mind your Digital Death, you need to worry about your Dating Death."

Actually, in our version of the future, the law cracks down on revenge porn sites, because they ruin women's lives. Less explicitly offensive online tools, like guy-rating app Lulu, are growing in popularity, but the two don't exactly cancel each other out. Which is to say, it seems like doing anything dating related in the future has grave online consequences, so you might as well join the Celibacy Syndrome movement and watch some dinosaur porn, because the jerks are out to git ya.

Six-second breakups

The prediction: "It's a story as old as time: boy meets girl; girl becomes Facebook friends with boy; boy and girl hook up after finding each other through Bang With Friends; boy likes some other girl's Instagram photo; girl unfriends boy; boy Vines his breakup with girl and uploads it to Reddit. Relationships implode as fast as they begin."

If you're using something called "Bang With Friends," perhaps you shouldn't expect much common courtesy? Although... we wish some of our breakups lasted only six seconds. There are only so many nonstop rude voicemails, bitter text messages, obvious subtweets and maudlin Facebook statuses a girl can take.

Artisanal sex toys

The prediction: "With the advent of easy scanning and mobile phones with object recognition software, virtually anything smaller than a breadbox can be scanned. Combined with 3-D printing and new fabrication technologies driven by material innovation, custom and artisanal sex toys take on a whole new dimension."

Well, who wouldn't want a vintage-inspired sex toy hewn from locally sourced materials and handcrafted in Brooklyn by a guy with a beard wearing an apron? Do we get an organic kale salad and house-roasted coffee beans with that vibrator? Is it a dildo or a decorative glass-blown sculpture? You decide!

Memory sifters

The prediction: "Through life-logging devices such as the Narrative Clip, all aspects of a relationship can be coded and cataloged for review. Imagine reliving your entire relationship, or savoring key moments, with one push of a button."

We thought that's what Facebook was for.

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